


Find Me Through the Radio

by Latchingontoyou



Series: Everlong [2]
Category: Carmilla (Web Series), Carmilla - J. Sheridan Le Fanu
Genre: F/F, F/M, Other, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-28
Updated: 2015-11-11
Packaged: 2018-04-01 15:47:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 27
Words: 131,819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4025662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Latchingontoyou/pseuds/Latchingontoyou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If you thought high school was a mess than college is a hurricane. Sequel to Music to my Ears.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Lock it Away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise my lovely readers!!!! An early gift for you because I like to spoil all of you so much. This is coming out ahead of time, but at least you'll be able to see what this sequel is going to be like.

**_Carmilla_ **

I groaned as I blindly reached out for my phone on my night stand. I knocked over my alarm clock before grabbing my phone into my hand. “Hello?” I answered without bothering to check the caller ID.

_“Good morning grumpy cat!”_

“Ugh.” I buried my face in my pillow then rolled over onto my back. “This better be important science ginger.”

_“Is that anyway to talk to your friend?”_

“Spill it LaFontaine.”

I heard them sigh. _“Laura is coming in tonight and we’re doing a welcome party at Danny’s apartment, so you better be there.”_

I rubbed the sleep from my eyes then ran my hand through my hair. “I don’t think that’s such a good idea.”

_“Well either you can see her tonight and get it over with or see her on campus and make it a hundred times worse than it already is.”_

I scratched my head and stared up at the ceiling. “We all know that this isn’t a good idea.”

_“I know. I had to talk the others into it.”_

“They weren’t thrilled by your master plan?”

_“Not exactly.”_

“I wonder why,” I said sarcastically.

_“Yeah well I told them that if anything at least this way Laura will be with friends and can rely on us to be her human shield against you which she won’t have if she sees you on campus first.”_

“You make me sound like the villain.”

_“You technically are if you think about it. Although you do a good job at beating yourself up than if there was a superhero to take you down.”_

“Thank you for the reminder.” I rolled over to the side of my bed and sat up. “I still don’t think I should go.”

_“You at least need to show her you’re alright. You owe her that.”_

I closed my eyes and ran my hand through my hair again. “What time?”

_“Six and don’t be late.”_

“Wouldn’t dream of it.” I hung up the phone and tossed it back onto my nightstand.

I reached my arms up above my head in order to stretch then picked my alarm clock off the floor. It was ten in the morning. My class doesn’t start for another three hours. I looked over my shoulder and smiled. The blanket was pooled around her waist leaving her smooth golden brown back exposed. Her auburn brown hair was splayed across the pillow as her gentle sleeping face was turned to me. It wasn’t often that I got to see how beautiful the morning light seeping through my glass balcony doors made her look. It was a rarity.

I crawled back onto the bed over to her and pressed kisses down the length of her back and back up to the nape of her neck. “Catherine,” I whispered into her ear. I kissed her shoulder blades as my fingers traced down her spine.

“Go back to sleep,” she grumbled.

I smiled. “I was thinking we could have breakfast together.” I ran my fingers through her long hair.

She cracked open one of her deep blue eyes and stared at me. “What has you awake before me?”

I caressed her cheek. “I had a phone call. I’ll be going out with some friends tonight.”

She turned over onto her side and stared up at me. “The ones that slightly hate you?”

“Hate is a strong word, but they do slightly dislike me,” I corrected.

“Same thing,” she said while rolling her eyes. “Well if you end up getting bored or they get rid of you, I get out of work at ten tonight so you can come over to my place and I can make you feel better.” Her hand slowly traveled up my bare stomach causing a shiver to run through my body.

“Let’s start by having you make me feel better now.” I bit my lip and trailed my fingers across her naked waist.

“You are greedy,” she said as she smiled.

“Tell me something new.” I bent down and captured her lips.

Her arms wrapped around my neck as I pulled the blanket off of her to expose the rest of her naked body. I like these types of mornings.

* * *

**_Laura_ **

I watched the scenery go by in a blur as I leaned my head against the warm window. It was a nice sunny day and the landscape was beautiful. I’m glad I decided to take the train to Austria even though I’m completely exhausted from all of my travels. It has been a great year of traveling and getting to see all of Europe, but I miss my friends and can’t wait to start at the university. I’m just lucky that my scholarship was able to be put on hold until I could come in this year. I really needed the time off.

I looked away from the window as my phone started to ring. I reached into my bag and looked for my phone. I smiled and answered it. “Hey LaF.”

_“Hey shrimp. How’s the train ride coming?”_

“It’s going great and I’m only an inch shorter than you,” I chuckled.

_“An inch is an inch.”_

“Whatever.” I turned to look out the window again. “To what do I owe the pleasure of this call?”

_“I invited Carmilla to your welcome party tonight.”_

I closed my eyes and thumped my forehead against the window. “Seriously LaFontaine?”

_“You’ll run into her eventually. Better now than later.”_

I sighed and ran my hand through my hair. “I can’t believe you.”

_“Look I know you’re not a big fan of hers, but I think you two should still talk to each other and figure everything out.”_

“She had plenty of time to talk to me and figure things out. Instead she ignored me and cut me out of her life.”

_“And it’s not like she doesn’t beat herself up about it every day.”_

“That’s not an excuse,” I said frustrated.

_“But it warrants giving her a chance to explain.”_

I rubbed my temple as I felt a headache begin to form. “LaFontaine…”

_“Just let her explain. She won’t tell any of us why she did what she did, but we can all see how much she regretted her decision. You can’t go back and change it, but maybe you two can at least repair your friendship.”_

I sighed. “I don’t even want to be her friend.”

_“Then at least let her show you she’s ok. I know how much you worried about whether or not she was alright and that Will telling you she was didn’t help you.”_

I scratched the back of my neck. “Fine, but if I say I want her gone you better kick her out.”

_“I will. I’ll see you later.”_

“Yeah see you.” I hung up the phone.

I threw my phone back in my bag and leaned forward putting my elbows on my knees and burying my face in my hands. Three years. Three years and I’m finally going to see her again. I’m finally going to talk to her again. I’m still so pissed off, but I’m also over it. I stopped loving her a long time ago. Well to be honest, I forced myself to stop loving her. It hurt too much and I was tired of hurting. I’m just thankful that Will was nice enough to let me know she was still alive and doing alright even after I told him to stop mentioning her in his letters.

I rubbed my face and sat back against my chair. I can see her. Seeing her won’t change the fact that I can’t, don’t, love her anymore. Seeing her won’t bring up the hope that I have locked away. Seeing her won’t mean anything. Seeing her won’t hurt.

* * *

 

**_Danny_ **

“Kirsch!” I yelled out as I set the groceries down on my table.

“Sup Summer Psycho?”

I turned to see him bringing in a keg of beer. “Seriously?” I pointed at the beer.

He shrugged. “There’s going to be a lot of people, so at least one should do if people actually bring their own.”

I shook my head. “This is not one of your stupid little frat parties!”

“I know, but dude its Laura. Little nerd needs to let loose before the school year starts plus they’re going to be people here she doesn’t know.”

I started putting some of the groceries in my fridge. “That reminds me. Did you invite people from the band and journalism department?”

“Yup.” He reached into one of the bags and pulled out a bag of chips.

“If you open that bag I will chop your hand off,” I warned while glaring at him.

He set the bag back down. “Did you get people from volleyball and the art department?”

I took out some plastic bowls. “I did indeed.” I placed the bowls on the table. “Is your girlfriend going to be coming tonight?”

“Yup. She finally has a night off, so I can’t wait to introduce her to all of you.” He opened up the bag of chips and poured them into one of the bowls. “What about your boyfriend?”

“He asked for the night off so he could meet Laura.”

“You think Laura will like them?”

“I’m sure she will.” I opened up the dips and started eating the chips he opened.

He started to do the same. “I hope she’ll be ok with Carmilla here.”

I nodded my head. “Will is coming right?”

“Yeah. He actually got through pledge week, so he’s a Zeta now.”

I rolled my eyes. “What you’ve always wanted.”

He smirked. “Like you didn’t want to join the Summer Society here.”

I shrugged. “It’s definitely a lot more fun now that we’re in college.”

“Yeah the high school level ones are nothing compared to the real college experience.”

I looked at my clock and grabbed my keys. “I’m going to go grab Laura from the station. You think you can handle finishing up everything here?”

He saluted me. “I got you covered.”

“LaF and Perry should be by in ten and JP said he’ll be here in twenty.”

“Roger that.”

“Oh and Kirsch?” He looked up at me. “I’m sure she doesn’t hate you for the way you acted.”

He nodded his head as he got that signature distant look in his eyes that developed over the past year. “I just never got to apologize before she left.”

“Now is as any good a time as ever.”

He nodded his head. “Thanks.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

I stood on the platform with my hands in my pockets. It was a nice sunny day even though it felt like a storm was going to pass through once Laura stepped off that train. With Carmilla coming over tonight, the unresolved issues we all have, and the fact she took off without saying goodbye, it was going to be awkward to say the least. I just hope she found what she was looking for when she left. Plus she got lucky that her scholarship was put on hold for her. Although even if it wasn’t, this is a matriculation college that takes in its high school students from all around the globe and gives them the country tuition and not the foreign country tuition.

The sound of a train coming made me look down the track. Her train was slowing down as it came up to the station. I slipped my hands out of my pockets and pulled the sweater off my shoulder. I got her a red Silas U sweater that I hope fits her. Even if it doesn’t I’m sure she’ll still use it. I watched as the doors opened and people began to climb down onto the platform. My eyes roamed from door to door looking for her, but she is very short so I might just miss her.

My eyes caught on to the sight of honey blonde hair down to my left. I moved over to that part of the platform and saw her there grabbing her bag from one of the coach attendants. I moved over closer to her and couldn’t help smiling. She looked so much better than the last time I saw her. She seemed happier. She turned around and saw me. A big smile crossed her face as she rushed over to me. I opened my arms and let her jump into them. I wrapped my arms around her and held her tight. After a moment I let her go.

“Heya.”

“Hi.” She smiled and hugged me again. “It’s good to see you.” She pulled away and grabbed her bag.

I reached over and took her bag from her. “I got this. You must be tired.”

She didn’t fight me on it and just shrugged. “Exhausted, but I really can’t wait to see everyone.”

“Yeah. Everyone is waiting for you back at my apartment. We also invited some of our friends from the university. Hope that’s alright.”

“It’s fine with me. The more the merrier.”

“Oh and here.” I handed her the sweater. “You’re welcome present from me.”

She took the sweater and held it out in front of her. “You didn’t have to get me anything.”

“I know. I wanted to. Plus it’s a college sweater. Everyone buys a college sweater.”

She laughed and tied it around her waist. “Thank you. I appreciate it.”

“You’re welcome.” I lead her over to my car.

“How’s Kirsch?”

I flinched. “He’s alright. He has a girlfriend now.”

“Really? That’s good. I’m glad.”

I nodded my head. “Yeah. He’s happy.”

She hummed in agreement. “And you?”

I shrugged. “I have a boyfriend. You’ll meet him tonight.” I clicked the alarm off on my car and unlocked the doors. I went over to the back to put her bag in my trunk.

“What’s his name?”

“Michael.” I closed my trunk. “We’ve been together for two months now.” I climbed into the driver’s seat as she got in at the passenger’s side.

“That’s good. Glad you’re happy.” I nodded and started the car. I drove out of the parking lot toward my apartment. We rode in silence until she finally spoke. “I’m sorry for just leaving without saying goodbye.” I glanced over at her and saw that she kept her focus on looking out the window. “I needed to get out of there and have time for myself after everything. I needed to stop feeling like I was drowning.” She looked away from the window and caught my gaze. “I’m sorry.”

I reached out and grabbed her hand giving it a reassuring squeeze. “I’m sorry as well. I shouldn’t have treated you that way after the accident.” I looked back to the road. “I just felt like it was my fault and took it out on everyone.”

She squeezed my hand. “Are we going to be ok?”

I nodded my head. “Yeah. We’re ok.” I turned and gave her a small smile before focusing on the road again.

I rubbed the back of her hand with my thumb as I drove. We’re ok.

* * *

 

**_Carmilla_ **

I leaned back against the wall of the elevator as it went up to the fourth floor of the apartment complex. Danny ended up needing to get an apartment because her Summer Society sisters got tired of all of us coming and going from their house as we pleased. Of course it didn’t help that none of us actually cared to listen to Danny whenever she asked us to stop doing it. When they did actually kick her out, we all chipped in to pay for her apartment and covered her rent for the next six months since it was our fault in the first place. Danny didn’t want us to pay for her rent, but we were responsible even though she said she was glad to be out of that house so she could finally stop hearing them complain all the time. She said they just didn’t understand that we were family. She also reassured me that I was included in the category of family even though she still despised me for the decisions I made because of how Laura ended up after.

I sighed and ran my hand through my hair. I pulled on the ends of my leather jacket. Laura. The others may have been able to sweep everything under the rug and let me be a part of their group, their family, again, but I doubt Laura will feel the same. I looked up to see the elevator get closer to the fourth floor. I do owe her to show her that I’m alright, but maybe it would be better if I just forget about it and avoid her until she graduates. I shook my head and laughed. That’s impossible with the dimwit squad intervening all the time. They’d push us together and force us to resolve our issues. I sighed and leaned my head back. Better sooner than later.

The elevator doors opened and I stepped out into the hallway. I slipped my hands into the pockets of my leather jacket and walked down the hallway toward Danny’s apartment. The music was loud enough to be heard just beyond her door. I stood in front of the door and took a deep breath. She’s in your past. She doesn’t mean anything to you anymore. You buried those feelings when you made your choice. You have no right to feel anything for her. You have no right to be with Laura in that way anymore. You don’t love her.

I grabbed the door knob and turned it. It was locked. Of course. I was going for a smooth and nonchalant entrance only for the door to be locked. I shook my head and laughed. I took out my keys and signaled out the spare key Danny gave me. I unlocked the door and took a deep breath. You can do this Karnstein. I pushed the door open and walked in as smooth as possible. The music was blasting as people were dancing in the living room. I closed the door and locked it behind me. I guess they were trying to keep out the strays.

I looked around the room spotting the ginger twins dancing while Kirsch and his girlfriend hungout in the corner. I found Danny’s long red hair and tall stature leaning into her boyfriend. They were talking and laughing with someone. It wasn’t until some nobody moved that I saw who they were talking to. My breath caught in my throat as my heart stopped. She was breath takingly beautiful.

Her honey blonde hair had grown to reach just below her waist. Her skin had taken on a bit of a brown tint to it from her travels. From what I can tell from her exposed arms, her muscles had gotten more toned even though she still had somewhat of a lean look to her. She turned and our eyes met. Her eyes. My heart melted from the chocolate brown eyes staring at me. I felt like I was going to pass out. I felt a part of my heart unlocking. I gulped and blinked. I looked away from her. I buried that part of my heart deeper where she can’t reach it.

I shrugged my leather jacket off and hung it on the coat rack by the door. I ran my hand through my hair and took in a calming breath. I looked back to see her talking with Danny again. I better head over there since she just saw me right now. I walked over there taking care to look as disaffected as possible. She turned to look at me again as I got closer. Her eyes traveled down my body slowly and then back up. I felt a chill go through my body as I saw a flicker of desire in her eyes. I’m so glad I chose to wear my leather pants with my grey crop top tonight. No. You are not glad. You will not let her in. You don’t deserve her.

“Hey,” I said huskily once I got in hearing range. So much for not letting her get to me.

“Hey,” she said. Her voice was soft and gentle with just a hint of huskiness to it. It shot right through my heart.

“How are you?”

“I’m doing good and yourself?”

“I’m doing alright.”

She hummed giving me a once over again. I looked down to her lips and did my own intake of her. Her red tank top was loose leaving her black bra visible along with her cleavage. Her black skinny jeans hugged her body perfectly making her curves all the more appetizing. I let my eyes go back up to her lips. They looked soft and were slightly chapped, but that wouldn’t stop me from pressing my lips against hers. I glanced up to meet her eyes again. I thought I could stop myself from falling, but staring into those eyes that know me more than anyone ever could had me slipping over the edge into feelings that I had locked away a long time ago. I wanted her. I needed her. I still loved her.

I couldn’t love her. I shouldn’t love her.

“It’s good to see that you’re alright.”

I blinked in order to break the spell she had me under. “Same to you.” I smiled. “I’m going to grab a drink. You want anything cupcake?” Shit. Her old nickname slipped out of my mouth. Why? Dammit.

Her eyes flickered and for a moment I could see a hint of hurt in them before it disappeared behind a mask of nonchalance. “I’m good. Thanks for asking.”

I nodded my head afraid of what other nickname would come spilling out. I moved passed her to the kitchen and grabbed a beer. This was going to be harder than I thought.

* * *

**_Laura_ **

Why did she have to be so sexy? I glanced over my shoulder into the kitchen to see her leaning back against the counter with a beer in her hand. Her skin was still a lovely fair color that contrasted with her wavy raven black hair. Her leather pants clung tightly to her petite frame even though her arms show that she had toned muscles. Her crop top allowed for part of her toned stomach to show and revealed that her pants hug low on her hips making me want to plant kisses across her waist to see what reaction she would have. Then her eyes. They were the same smoky black eyes that I could see myself drowning in.

I looked away back to Danny. I can’t let her in. It took me long enough to lock away everything I felt for her and still feel for her just to have it all ripped open to take over me now. I am stronger than that. I will not let my emotions get the better of me no matter how much I really just want to feel her lips against mine. No matter how much I want to push my body against hers and have her hands roam around my body. I took a big swig of my beer. Clear your head Laura. She means nothing to you now. She can’t mean anything to you ever again. At least not like before.

I glanced over my shoulder to see her talking to some girl from the art department or was she from journalism? I don’t know. I don’t care. None of my business. I slipped away from Danny and went down the hall to the guest room I will be staying in until the dorms open up. I closed the door behind me and made my way to the double glass doors that opened up to the balcony. I pushed the doors open and stepped out into the cool night air. The sun was disappearing behind the buildings. I folded my arms on top of the railing and leaned against it. Despite being so tired and waiting to go to sleep, the view was just wonderful.

The door opened and closed. I didn’t bother to look back. A gentle hand pressed against my back before a head rested on my shoulder. “You ok?” LaF asked.

I looked down at the street filled with people. “I’m alright. Just tired.”

“Everyone is glad you’re here.”

“You sure about that?”

They moved from behind me to stand next to me. “Perry will be alright. She’ll come around after she sees that all you eat is junk food.”

I laughed. “Yeah being my floor don is going to be fun for her.”

LaF laughed and nudged my shoulder. “Did you talk to Kirsch?”

I nodded my head. “Yeah. We both apologized and agreed to let it go and move on.”

“Did you meet his girlfriend Kim?”

“Yes. She seems nice. A good fit for him.”

They nodded their head. “And Carmilla?”

“She’s alive obviously,” I said sarcastically.

“Did you talk to her?”

I rested my chin in the palm of my hand. “There’s nothing to talk about with her.”

“Other than the fact you both had instant heart eyes for each other?”

I smacked their arm playfully. “We did not!”

“Right because it was more of undress you eyes.” I smacked them again. They smirked and drank their beer. “Obviously there are still some feelings there.”

I shrugged. “It doesn’t matter. I’ve buried them and they’re going to stay buried.”

“How long do you think that’ll last?”

I looked to the street to see lights begin to come to life. “For as long as possible.”

“Good luck with that.”

“Thanks for the boost in confidence.”

They smiled. “You’re welcome. Now come back to your party.” They grabbed my hand and started to tug me back to the party.

I picked up my beer on the way out. I can keep a handle on my emotions…so long as I’m not near her.

* * *

 

**_Carmilla_ **

I leaned against the wall separating the living room from the kitchen and watched Laura dance. She danced with LaF like a total dork doing the sprinkler and waving her arms around above her head. She also started to fist pump when Kirsch came over to bust out his own ridiculous dance moves. She was smiling and laughing and it was making my heart burst with happiness. That was until some blonde girl came up behind Laura. She put her hands on Laura’s hips and left some space between them. Laura looked over her shoulder at the girl and swept her hair over her shoulder before moving back to press her back against the girl’s front.

The girl’s hands stayed on Laura’s hips for a moment before sliding along her waist and ending on the middle of her lower stomach. Laura bit her lip and tilted her head back against the girl’s shoulder. Laura ground into the girl and ran her hand through her hair. The girl’s hands slid under Laura’s tank top and rested on the bare skin of her stomach. Laura bit down on her lip again and ground even slower into the girl making the girl bite her own lip before pressing a kiss to Laura’s neck. Laura closed her eyes then opened them slowly. She must not have been paying too much attention of where she was facing because her eyes opened and met mine.

I was frozen. The lust present in Laura’s eyes sent chills down my spine and I had to fight the urge to arch my back from the sudden sensation. She looked away from me as the girl behind her started to kiss a trail up her neck. I gripped my beer bottle tightly and tried not to watch Laura, but it was too damn hard. She was sexy beyond belief and so captivating like this. I licked my lips and pushed off the wall. I’m going to regret this decision later.

“Not so fast kitty.” Will’s arm grabbed me by the waist and pulled me back.

“Will,” I growled.

He shook his head. “You have a girlfriend remember?”

“I’m well aware of that.”

“You sure because you’re staring at Laura as if you want to eat her.” He kept a hand pressed against my stomach.

“It’s none of your business,” I snapped. I turned away from him and went into the kitchen for another beer.

“Maybe you should stop drinking. At this rate you’ll do something you regret and hurt two people in the process.”

I glared at him and drank my beer. “I have a handle on it.”

“Right.” He shook his head and crossed his arms over his chest. “Be careful.”

I shooed him away. “I will, now go.”

He shook his head and walked away. I drank half my beer in one go and walked out of the kitchen. Laura was dancing with Danny now. I sighed and rubbed my forehead. What are you doing? Bury your damn feelings and get over her for good. Just be her friend. I took another drink and walked calmly over to her and Danny. Danny caught sight of me first and gave me a questioning look. I shrugged and walked up to Laura. I tapped her shoulder. She turned around and still had that slight tinge of desire in her eyes. Danny gave me one more look before walking away.

“Can I have a dance now cutie?” Shit. Another nickname.

She raised an eyebrow at me, but put her arms on my shoulders. “You may.”

I put my hands on her waist and moved a bit closer to her. She didn’t pull away from me which was a good thing. We moved to the music that was playing and seemed to gravitate closer to one another until our bodies were touching. The feeling of her body against mine was intoxicating. She still fit well against me and my hand unconsciously slipped under the back of her shirt and pressed against her warm back. Her body arched into mine as she let out a hot breath against my ear. I closed my eyes and let myself be captured in this moment. Her warm body pressed against mine and her hot breath against my ear and neck. Her arms wrapped around my neck as I buried my face into the crook of hers. She smelled like beer and daises. I didn’t want this moment to ever end. I missed her.

* * *

 

 

**_Laura_ **

I nuzzled against the warm lump I was holding onto. Wait. A warm lump. Oh dear god. I opened my eyes in hopes of being in bed with a girl or Perry and LaF. It was much worse. I was in bed with Carmilla. I tried to contain my groan. Shit. This was not what I wanted to happen. I blinked a few times to rid the sleep from my eyes and slowly processed the situation I was currently in. I was lying on her with my head on her shoulder and a leg draped across her waist. She still had her clothes on which was a plus. I could feel that I still had my clothes on which was even more of a plus. I gently and slowly slid away from her and got off the bed.

I stared down at her and couldn’t stop myself from smiling. She looked peaceful and gentle. I reached out and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. Her lips were slightly parted. How I wanted to kiss her so bad last night. I bit down on my lip and shook my head. Don’t let her in. I moved away from the bed and walked over to the balcony. I must have left the doors open last night after LaF dragged me back to the party. I leaned against the railing and looked out into the morning light of the day. It was a good moment to sketch.

I walked back into the room doing my best to move around as quietly as possible. I noticed that I still had my shoes on. I stepped out of them and pulled my socks off as well. I moved to my bag and ruffled through it until I found my sketch pad and pencils. I moved back to the balcony and sat down cross legged in one of the chairs that were there. I looked behind me and smiled at how magnificently beautiful the morning light made Carmilla. I looked down at my sketch pad and started to draw her sleeping face.

* * *

 

**_Carmilla_ **

I woke up and groaned. My head hurt and I could tell I was not in my own bed. Shit. I’m not in my own bed. I bolted upright and looked around me. I took in the room I was in and could tell I was still in Danny’s apartment. My eyes wandered to the balcony and my heart stopped for the second time in two days.

She was sitting cross legged with a sketch pad settled on her legs. The sound of a scratching pencil filled the room as her hand traveled around the paper. Her eyes were focused and the necklace she wore hung down low enough to rest on top of her paper. She had tied her hair up into a messy bun exposing her slender neck. Stray hairs still poked out and clung to her neck and face. I looked away from her and shook my head. I slid off the bed.

“Morning,” she called out.

I turned to her and saw her close the cover on her sketch pad. “Good morning.” I stood up and made my way over to her. I sat down on the other chair that was there and looked out at the view. “We didn’t?”

“No. We just got very drunk and Danny didn’t want you driving home, so you ended up passing out on my bed with me.”

I nodded my head. “Sorry.”

“It’s fine. You shouldn’t drive home drunk.”

I looked at her. “Thanks.”

She nodded her head and set her sketch pad down on the floor. “I think we need to establish some things.”

I smirked. “Straight to the point as usual.”

She frowned. “I don’t want to know why you decided to stop sending me letters after four months. I don’t care about why you decided to then completely cut me out of your life.” I looked down at my hands. “But you’re a part of life now and all I care about is what happens now.”

I looked back up at her. “What would you like?”

Her gaze softened. “Just friends.”

I nodded. “Anything else?”

She shook her head. “No.”

I rubbed the palm of my hands against my pants then stood up. “Alright then. Just friends.” I backed away. “Now I better go. My girlfriend is probably wondering where I’m at.”

I saw her flinch. “Maybe I can meet her sometime.”

I looked away from the hurt that seemed to find its way into her eyes. “Maybe.” Wait. She’s taking this better than I thought. “How are you not shocked that I have a girlfriend?”

She shrugged. “Will told me last night when he finally showed up.”

“Right.” I opened her room door. “Thanks again for letting me stay.”

She waved me away. “Sure thing.” I watched her wrap her arms around her stomach before heading out of her room.

I sighed and leaned back against her door. Just friends. I can do that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can follow musictomyearshsau.tumblr.com for updates and other stuff.


	2. Numb the Pain

**_Laura_ **

I set my hot cocoa down on the table and watched as LaF made their way over to me. They sat down across from me and gave me a once over. “Yes?” I asked

“You don’t look like someone with a hangover.”

I smirked. “I’ve had a lot of time to work on never having one.”

They smiled. “I bet with all the traveling you have done.”

I shrugged. “I certainly had fun.”

“I hope that fun included women.” A pair of arms wrapped around me from behind and gave me a tight hug. “Hello my little one.” JP moved over and sat down in the other empty chair.

“Hi JP.”

“Sorry I ended up missing your party last night.”

“It’s alright. I’m glad you can join me for brunch.”

“Eww...don’t call it that.”

“Why not?”

“Because brunch is for couples and old ladies not my strikingly handsome and single self.”

I quirked an eyebrow up at him. “Oh really? Still can’t find someone to tie you down?”

“I am a stallion running through the wild.”

I shook my head. “One day JP.”

“I hope not any day soon.”

“So did your trip involve women?” LaF asked.

I drank my hot cocoa slowly as they both looked at me eagerly. “Not at first,” I admitted.

They both smiled. “So how many are we talking?” JP asked.

I set my cup back down and leaned back against my chair hooking my arm over the back of it. “That my dear friend is none of your business.”

JP smirked. “Interesting.” He leaned back in his own seat. “So how did seeing Carmilla last night go?”

“They kept looking at each other like they wanted to rip each other’s clothes off,” LaF said with a shit eating grin on their face.

“Ooo...tell me more,” JP said.

I shook my head. “Alright I’ll admit that she looks absolutely sexy and that it brought up a lot of old feelings, but we have agreed to just be friends.”

“Does that mean that you two actually talked?” LaF asked.

I looked down at the table. “No.”

“Why not?” JP asked.

I sighed and scratched the surface of the table. “I stopped caring about why she made the decision she did. I can’t change what happened and I know she’s going to be a part of my life now, so I only care about what happens now.”

JP nodded his head. “I have to say you sound like you did a lot of growing up this past year.”

I shrugged. “I had a lot of time to think and a lot of time to rebuild myself.”

He smiled. “I’m glad.”

I looked up at him. “I am sorry though for just leaving without saying a word.”

He reached over and put his head on top of mine and gave it a gentle squeeze. “I understand. Out of everyone in our little family, I understood the most as to why you had to leave.”

I turned my hand over and squeezed his hand back. “Thank you. I’m still sorry though.”

“I know. I forgave you a long time ago.” I smiled at him and he let go of my hand.

“Are you ready to start school?” LaF asked.

“For the most part. I got my classes set up and the remaining stuff for my scholarship done. I just have to move into my dorm in two days.”

“Did your dad send your stuff over?”

“Yes. It’s in a storage container.”

“Do you know who your roommate is going to be?”

“Yes. Although she’s not answering my messages.”

“That happens sometimes when they haven’t gotten new phones or changed their numbers,” LaF said while shrugging.

I sat up straight. “I guess, but I just hope she won’t mind me being up late at night or coming back late at night.”

The waiter finally came over and took our orders. Once he was gone JP looked at me with a smug smirk on his face. “Does the late night thing mean I’ll be seeing you at parties?”

I smiled. “Well I was hoping you’d invite me to parties.”

JP smirked. “Yeah you have changed.”

“I just want to have as much fun as possible.”

“I bet you do.” He winked and smiled.

“God you two being single is going to drive the rest of us insane,” LaF said.

“Well not all of us are practically married,” JP teased.

LaF glared at him. “I hope you settle down soon.”

JP pressed a hand to his heart. “You wound me!” He exaggerated.

“Alright settle down you two,” I said while trying not to laugh. JP shrugged.

I smiled and shook my head. I really missed my friends. Being back together with them and then starting school soon was going to be an adventure. I’m going to have as much fun as possible. I deserve it. Whatever Carmilla made me feel last night and early this morning I’ll have to keep buried down. Even more so now that she has a girlfriend, but mostly because I can’t trust her. I ran my finger around the rim of my cup. I can’t let her or anyone near my heart ever again.

* * *

 

**_Carmilla_ **

I leaned against the railing of my balcony and played with my zippo lighter. Friends. Just friends. That’s better than what I thought she was going to give me. I thought she would never want to see me again unless she had to because of our friends. I’m glad she’s allowing me to be in her life. After seeing her last night, I don’t think I would be able to not have her in my life. I missed having her close. I missed the calm that settles over me when I see her even though I was so not calm last night because wow. She was so heart stopping. I bit my bottom lip. No. You can’t think of her that way. You have no right to, plus you have a girlfriend.

“I hate when you play with that thing.” Catherine’s arms wrapped around my waist as I snapped my lighter shut.

“It’s just a habit I developed a while ago.”

“I know, but it’s an annoying one because of the constant clicking.”

I stood up straight and tucked the lighter into the pocket of my sweat pants. “Are you going to need my help Friday?”

She kissed my shoulder. “No. My dad and brother are going to be helping me out.”

I nodded my head. “Let me know if you change your mind.”

“I will.” She let go of me. “You want something to eat?”

I turned around. “Are you offering to cook?”

“I can cook every once in a while.” She backed up into my room.

I followed her. “That would be good.”

She walked into the kitchen and I followed right behind her. I sat down on the bar stool and leaned against the kitchen island. I watched as she moved around my kitchen. I have a girlfriend. A wonderful girlfriend. I looked down at the island top and traced circles on it. I have a girlfriend who doesn’t know anything about my past. She doesn’t know the story behind my scars or why I do some of the things I do. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to tell her. I don’t even know if she’ll stay with me even though I hide a big part of my past. A big part of myself. I don’t even like when she tries to touch the scars on my back. It makes me uneasy.

I looked back up at her. She’s lasted longer than others. She must not care too much that I keep a lot to myself. I like that about her. I just hope it stays that way.

* * *

**_Laura_ **

I dropped my bag down onto my bed and looked around the small dorm room. One wardrobe to share, a small fridge and kitchen sink, a headboard with built in shelves for a twin sized bed, and a nice window in the corner. It’s not a bad space. I moved over to the other door in the room and opened it to look into the bathroom. Shower and bath. Perfect. I walked back into my room and went over to the window to open it. A small breeze caressed my skin before it slipped into the room. I hope my roommate won’t mind me having the window open often.

“Hey Hollis where should I put these bags?”

I turned to see Danny standing by the bed I claimed with my bags. “Just drop them on my bed for now. I’ll sort through it in a bit.”

“Cool.” She dropped the bags on the bed then looked around the room. “You know you could have just moved in with me in my apartment.”

I leaned against the wardrobe. “I know. I just still need my own space for a bit.”

She nodded her head. “Well you’re always welcomed to stop by my apartment for anything alright.” She walked over and held a key out for me. I looked at her curiously. She shrugged. “I gave everyone a copy, so really drop by anytime.”

I smiled and took her key. I clipped it to my keychain next to my dorm room key. “Thanks.”

She smiled. “No problem.” She ruffled my hair and I groaned.

“Really?” I ran my fingers through my hair to fix the mess.

She laughed. “I’ll see you tonight at the Zeta party. All of the girls from volleyball will be there, so you’ll get to meet the rest of the team.”

I shrugged off the wardrobe. “You think they’ll like me?”

“They’re not exactly nice to scholarship players, but I made them eat their words last year when I became the top scorer on the team.” She nudged my shoulder. “So don’t mess it up for us.”

I rolled my eyes. “I got a volleyball scholarship for a reason and that’s because I hardly ever mess up.”

Danny raised her eyebrow at me. “Someone’s cocky. You do know you haven’t played for an entire year right?”

I moved over to my bed and unzipped one of my bags. “Who says I haven’t been practicing this entire year?”

“Alright Hollis. We’ll see what you got when you come to practice.”

“Oh you will.” I smirked and started to unpack my things.

“Alright. I’ll see you tonight then.”

“I’ll see you.” I moved over to give her a big hug. “Thank you for helping.”

“No problem.” She gave me a tight squeeze then let me go. “Have fun getting to know the new roommate.”

“I will.” She waved and left the room.

I unzipped my backpack and pulled out my laptop and its charger. I set it down on the desk that rested along the back wall next to the bathroom. It was a decently sized desk for two people to use, but still a bit of tight fit. Hopefully she’s one of those people who can do their homework while lying in bed because I definitely can’t do that. Lie on the floor and do my homework, yes, lie on my bed and do my homework, no. I always fall asleep whenever I try. I opened up my laptop and started it up. I pulled up my music library and clicked on my dance playlist. I turned the volume up as the first song started playing.

“Hey Laura.”

I turned around to see Perry standing at the entrance with a box in her hands. “Hey Perry. What can I do for you?”

“Oh nothing. I just wanted to make sure you moved in alright, oh and your father sent me something for you.” She walked into the room and handed me the box she was holding.

“Thanks.” I took it and set it on my bed. I riffled through my backpack until I found my scissors. I cut along the seams of the tape and then opened up the flips. I smiled and shook my head. “Day of the week bear spray. I get into a bit of trouble with a bear one time and he thinks I’m going to have a bear army come after me.”

“Yes well, it’s good that he’s thinking about you,” she said with a hint of a stress on the words “thinking about you.”

I put the scissors down on the desk next to my laptop and stared at her. “Perry. I’m sorry. I really was thinking about you.”

She picked at the tips of her fingers. “Yes, well I’m just going to remind you to not make too much noise with your music.”

“Perry,” I pleaded.

She shook her head and twirled her hand. “No. I am not discussing this with you. It’s behind us now, so let me just do my job as your floor don and be here for you as a friend when you need it.”

“Perry it obviously still bothers you.”

“It does, but I am not going to focus on that. I have many other things to focus on, so have fun unpacking and let me know if you need help. I have to go check on the other residents now.” She nodded her head then turned and left the room leaving the door wide open.

I threw my head back and deeply sighed. I shook my head and made my way to the door. I closed it leaving it unlocked for when my roommate finally decides to grace me with her presence and talk to me since she has been ignoring my messages. I slipped out of my shoes and turned the volume up on my laptop. It was still midday, so the loud music shouldn’t bother anyone, but if it does they can just come and talk to me about it. I began to unpack my bags as I danced around the room.

* * *

 

**_Carmilla_ **

I shifted my grip on the box so as to not drop it. The elevator moved slowly along to the second floor. I leaned back against the elevator and sighed as she stood there texting on her phone. “Why do I get the feeling that your dad, brother, and I are going to be doing all of the moving?” I asked teasingly.

She smiled and slipped her phone into her front pocket. “Not all of the moving; just most of it. Besides I need to make a good first impression.”

I quirked my eyebrow up. “Right and carrying in a box is going to ruin that first impression.”

She shrugged and smirked before taking the box out of my hands. “I’m only kidding silly.” She pressed a kiss to my cheek. “I’m just nervous. She’s a freshman and apparently has a scholarship to play volleyball here, so I’m a bit worried of what she’ll be like.”

“Well you could have always messaged her back.” The elevator doors opened and I let her go in front of me.

She tilted her head from left to right and bit her bottom lip. “True, but I kept forgetting.”

I shook my head as the elevator doors closed behind me. “Well this should be fun.”

She nudged me with her shoulder. “Don’t be mean. The last thing I want is for you to be banned from our room because she doesn’t like you.”

“Right because that’s the only reason I could be banned from your room,” I said sarcastically.

She rolled her eyes. We stopped in front of her door and heard music playing from inside. I took the box out of her hands. “After you m’lady.”

She shook her hands out and then opened the door. I followed her inside and saw that the room was empty. The music was pretty loud, but it wasn’t unbearable. The other door in the room opened and my breath got caught in my throat. Catherine stepped in front of me and blocked my view.

“Hi I’m Catherine!” She said cheerily.

“I’m Laura. Nice to meet you,” Laura said happily.

“Oh and this is my girlfriend Carmilla,” Catherine said as she moved so I could see Laura.

I set the box down on Catherine’s bed and wiped my hands against the side of my thighs. “Hey,” I said awkwardly.

“Hey,” she answered awkwardly.

Catherine looked between the both of us. “Am I missing something here?”

I opened my mouth, but Laura beat me to it. “We actually know each other already. We used to be friends in high school.”

“Oh really?” Catherine looked at me and I nodded my head. She looked from me to Laura then back to me. “Is she the one you went to the welcome party for?”

I tried to swallow passed the lump in my throat. “Yes.”

“Wow. What a small world.”

“Small indeed,” Laura said with a hint of snark to it that went unnoticed by Catherine.

“Right, well I’m just going to go check if my dad and brother have come up yet.” Catherine gave me another kiss on the cheek and disappeared.

I stood there and looked around the room. Laura had put up some small pictures and a big blackboard which she wrote her class schedule on. I looked over to her laptop and tried to focus on the song that had just come on. _I gotta stay high all the time to keep you off my mind. High all the time to keep you off my mind. Spend my days locked in a haze trying to forget you babe. I fall back down. Gotta stay high all my life to forget I’m missing you._ I looked at her. “Interesting taste in music.”

She sat down on her bed and leaned back against the palm of her hands. “I’m not the only one in this room with interesting tastes,” she said as she flicked her gaze toward the door at the sound of Catherine’s voice before moving it back to me and shrugging.

“Laura we-

“Carmilla could you move aside real quick so my dad can put my stuff down?” Catherine interrupted.

“Sure.” I moved out of the corner where the small kitchen sink and fridge was and to the center of the room. I was now closer to Laura.

“Thank you babe.” She blew me a kiss and smiled.

Her dad came in with her bags and her brother followed after setting everything down on her bed or in the corner. “Carmilla,” her dad said sternly.

“Sir.”

He nodded then left the room closely followed by her brother. “I’ll be back. I’m just going to say bye to them.”

“I’ll go with you,” I said trying to hide the sudden panic in my voice.

“It’s ok. I’m sure Laura won’t mind, plus you two can catch up some more while I’m gone.” With that she was out the door.

I sat cross legged on her bed across from Laura and looked down at the floor as an uncomfortable silence filled the room. “How long have you two been dating?”

I looked up from the floor to meet Laura’s penetrating gaze. “Four months now.”

She tilted her head to the right. “Does she know?”

I sat up straight. “Know what?”

She raised her eyebrow at me. “Do I really need to say it?”

I shook my head. “No she doesn’t.”

“Why not?”

“That’s none of your business.” I moved to stand up and walked over to the small window.

“Right,” she said snidely.

I ignored her in favor of looking out the window. It was a moment before I finally gave in. I really can’t keep anything from her. “I don’t want her to know.”

“Why not?”

I looked away from the window. She was staring at me curiously. “Because I’m not at the point where I feel comfortable enough to tell her.”

She stood up and went over to her laptop. “Don’t wait too long. You might lose her otherwise,” she said with a tinge of sadness.

“Hey Laura are you up for going to a party tonight?” Catherine walked in holding a flyer.

“Is it the Zeta party?” Laura asked.

“Yup.”

“Then I was already planning to go. My friend Kirsch and Carmilla’s brother are Zetas plus I’m meeting up with some other friends there.”

“Oh yeah that’s right. I forgot your brother starts this year as well,” Catherine said as she walked over to me. “You’re going to come with me right?” She wrapped her arms around my neck.

I snuck a glance over at Laura and saw her leaning against the desk with her head tilted back to look at the ceiling. “Yes. My brother is a Zeta after all.”

“Great.” She pecked my lips then let me go. “Want to help me unpack?”

I moved away from the window. “No. I have some errands to run, but I’ll be back later to head to the party.”

“Alright then.” She wrapped her arms around my neck again and pulled me into a lingering kiss.

My hands went to her waist. I pulled away. “I’ll see you later.”

“See you.”

I looked at Laura. “See you later.”

She met my gaze with a distant stare. “See you.”

 

 

 

 

 

I opened the door and was met by her wearing only a bra. I was frozen to my spot in the doorway. She had on a simple black bra and blue jeans with brown boots. Her abs were flat and well defined along the sides. I couldn’t take my eyes off her. Then she was pulling her shirt down to cover her upper body. I snapped out of my haze and met her gaze. I let go of the door knob finally and stepped into the room.

“You should really lock the door you know.”

She sat down and began to tighten the laces of her boots. “Perry has a no locked doors policy because she thinks it’ll promote a stronger sense of community between us.”

I watched her struggle with her laces. She pulled on them, but could not get them long enough to tie. I knelt down in front of her. “Let me.” I reached out for her shoe laces.

She gave me a questioning look then handed her laces over to me. I pulled her foot onto my knee and started to adjust the laces before pulling on them to tighten up the boot. I tied the laces on the first one then moved to the next boot. I got that one tied and set her foot down on the floor. I stayed kneeling down as I looked up at her. Her gaze was warm and inviting. I placed my hands on her knees and realized that her legs were open and that I was kneeling in between. She bit down on her bottom lip and I wanted so much to be the one biting it and sucking it into my mouth. She released her bottom lip. She blinked and looked away from me to the door. The spell she had me under broke. I moved my hands off her knees and stood up. I took a step back just as the door opened.

“Hey babe,” Catherine came over to me and hugged me while planting a kiss on my shoulder. “You ready Laura?”

“Yes. Let’s go have some fun.” Laura stood up and started to head out the door.

Catherine threaded her fingers between mine and tugged me out the door. I closed the door behind me and followed both girls to the elevator. I mentally rolled my eyes. Could this day get any worse?

 

 

 

 

 

My grip tightened around my beer bottle as I watched Laura dancing with some other girl in the Zetas living room. She was letting this girl put her hands all over her. I clenched my jaw as I watched the girl kiss Laura on the lips. Laura wrapped her arms around the girl’s neck and deepened the kiss. The girl slid her hands onto Laura’s ass and gripped it while pulling Laura closer to her. Laura bit down on the girl’s bottom lip then started to kiss down the girl’s neck. The girl tilted her head to the side to give Laura better access. I drank my beer and looked away as I felt my anger beginning to build up.

“Carmilla dance with me.” Catherine threw her arms around my waist and leaned heavily against my side.

“I don’t dance.”

She pouted. “Please.”

I shook my head. “Sorry.”

She sighed. “Fine. I’ll go dance with Alyssa then.” She let go of me and twirled before heading over to where her friend Alyssa was.

I looked toward the make-shift dancefloor and saw Laura pulling the girl away from it. I followed them with my eyes as they walked off the dancefloor to the hallway leading to the bathroom and the bedrooms on the first floor. I took a big swig of my beer then set it down. I picked up one of the cliché red solo cups from one of the side tables in the living room and made my way down the same hall. Laura was pressed against the hallway wall with her leg between the other girl’s and her hands on the girl’s ass pulling her close against her. The girl hand her hands pressed against the wall on either side of Laura’s head and began to grind against Laura’s leg. I snapped. I walked by them and pretended to be pushed by someone and spilt the drink in my cup on the girl. She jumped away from Laura instantly.

“I’m sorry,” I faked as I reached out to the girl. “You alright?”

She frowned and looked away from me to Laura. “I’ll be back.”

“Sure thing,” Laura responded. I shook some of the beer off my hand before wiping it against my jeans to get the rest of it off. “I hope you don’t make it a habit.”

“What?” I asked feigning innocence as I looked at her.

She crossed her arms over her chest and glared at me. “Just be careful where you walk.” She pushed off the wall and got closer to me. My heart speed up as she leaned in close to my ear. “I’m going to go find your girlfriend to tell her that I’m going to be using the room tonight,” she whispered. She moved pass me and back toward the living room.

Fuck. She saw right through me. I handed the cup of beer over to some poor sap and turned back to the living room. Laura was talking to Catherine and Catherine was nodding her head and smiling. I leaned against the entry way of the living room. I stared at both girls and sighed. Get it together Karnstein. The door with Laura has closed and you need to focus on the one that is open. I ran my hand through my hair. It’s over between Laura and I. I made sure of that. I need to get my emotions in check before I ruin everything.

* * *

**_Laura_ **

I held onto the girl’s hand as I lead her to my room. I forgot what her name was. Was it Klaudia? Or maybe it’s Melanie? I don’t know. I’ll figure it out later…I hope. I opened my door and pulled her inside. I closed the door and pushed her against it. I crashed my lips against hers as I fumbled with the lock. I don’t need Perry barging in. I slid my hands under the girl’s shirt and ran them up along the side of her stomach. She arched up into the touch. I lifted her shirt up and over her head. I pressed kisses down along the center of her stomach to her waist.

I can’t believe Carmilla acted like a jealous ex-girlfriend earlier. Well technically she is an ex-girlfriend, but still. She has no right to act that way when she has a girlfriend. She made her choice and she needs to not interfere with my choices. I don’t need her to make me feel like she still has feelings for me while she has Catherine all over her. I don’t need to start feeling anything for her. I don’t need to let her close to me again. I need to forget about her. I need to bury my feelings down once and for all.

I unclasped the girl’s bra and tugged her by her belt loops over to my bed. I need to not think of Carmilla right now. I need to forget her. I pulled the girl on top of me. I just need to feel something that has nothing to do with Carmilla. I really just need this girl to fuck me until I no longer think of Carmilla. I’ll deal with everything later. I pulled my shirt off and tossed it to the side. I just need to numb the pain. I need this girl to numb the pain.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can follow musictomyearshsau.tumblr.com for updates and other stuff.


	3. I'm Here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would not recommend you to listen to Sara Bareilles-Gravity while reading Laura's part in this chapter, but if you do have some tissues on hand.

**_Carmilla_ **

“I really think you should knock first. She may still be sleeping,” I said as we got to her dorm room.

“It’s almost twelve in the afternoon. She should be up by now besides even if she isn’t we’ll just wake her up. I mean you two are old friends, so I’m sure you’ve seen her somewhat naked at some point,” she said while twisting the door knob and walking into her dorm room.

I did my best to hold in my groan because that was not the point. Yes I have seen Laura change before when we were younger, but we were younger. Plus it was when we were dating so I did more than just get a look; I got to somewhat touch too. I stepped inside the room and kept my gaze to Catherine’s side of the room.

“Is she still asleep?” I asked while pretending to examine the books on her headboard.

“Yeah. Do you mind waking her up? I need to take a shower real quick.”

I looked at her wanting to say no, but she already walked into the bathroom. I stood rooted to my spot. If I wake Laura up, I will see more of her than I ever got to see before. If I don’t wake her up, Catherine will get suspicious. I chewed on my bottom lip. Damn it. I quietly walked over to Laura and saw her lying down on her stomach. Her hair was splayed across her left shoulder and the pillow behind her. The blanket was pooled around the middle of her back, so her shoulder blades were visible and bare. I reached out and hovered my fingers over her shoulder blades. I kept them hovered over her as my fingers moved from one side to the other and then back. I wanted to touch her. I wanted to feel her skin against my fingertips.

I looked at her face. She seemed to be sleeping peacefully. I brushed my fingers against her cheek as I tucked a stray strand of her hair behind her ear. She stirred at my touch. I stayed still waiting to see what she would do. She nuzzled her pillow more and lifted her face up higher against it as if trying to follow my fingers. It was adorable. I smiled and caressed her cheek. She stirred some more trying to catch the feel of my hand and I pulled my hand back. She was being very cute right now.

“Cupcake it’s time to wake up,” I said lowly. She didn’t respond. I took a deep breath and put my hand on her bare shoulder. Feeling her skin against my hand sent chills throughout my body. It felt like coming home. “Cupcake. Come on time to get up.” I shook her shoulder a bit and she finally started to open her eyes.

She blinked a few times then turned away from me. “Go back to sleep Carm.”

My heart stopped at the same time that I was trying not to laugh. “Creampuff you need to wake up.” I shook her shoulder again.

She groaned and turned to face me again. She blinked a few more times. Her memory finally caught up with her because her eyes went wide as she quickly pulled on the blanket to cover her body. “Please turn around so I can sit up.”

“Alright.” I got up and turned my back to her.

I listened as the bed creaked from her sitting up. “Do you mind grabbing me a tank top and pajama pants from the wardrobe?”

“Sure thing.” I walked over to the wardrobe and opened both the doors. I instantly knew which side was Laura’s and riffled through the bottom of the wardrobe for a tank top and pajama pants. I pulled out a grey tank top and red plaid pajama pants. I turned back to her. She was sitting up with her back against the wall and the blanket pulled up to cover her front. “Here you go.”

She took the clothes from me. “Mind turning around again?”

“Sure.” I turned around again. I listened as she put her clothes on. She tapped my shoulder as she walked pass me to the mini fridge in the room. She stood there for a moment and struggled to get her hair up into a bun. I smiled as I watched her struggle. She was clearly still partially asleep or possibly too hungover to function properly. I walked over to her and tapped her shoulder. “Let me try.” I held out my hand for the rubber band.

She huffed and passed it over to me. I gathered up her hair and twisted it around into a bun. I twisted the rubber band into place. Her neck was completely visible and I could see a hicky placed at the base of her neck on the left side. I frowned and took a step back. I looked away from her and went to sit on Catherine’s bed. I heard the fridge door open and then the pop of a can being opened. I glanced over at her and watched as she took a drink of her grape soda. She lowered the can and moved to sit back down on her bed. She crossed her legs then put her chin in the palm of her hand.

“Can we pretend that this never happened?”

“What part?”

“The part where I called you Carm.”

I looked down at my nails. “Yeah I can do that.”

“Thank you.” I glanced at her and saw her lean back on her hand and take another drink from her soda. “Also why the nicknames?”

I bit my bottom lip and shrugged. “It just came out. Old habit I guess you can say since I hardly ever used your name in the first place.”

“Right.” She played with the bottle cap on her soda. “Where’s Catherine?”

“Showering. She asked me to wake you up.” She nodded. We stayed silent for a moment until I heard the water from the shower stop in the bathroom. I took a deep breath. Might as well get it over with. “Catherine was going to ask if you wanted to hang out with us today since it’s the last weekend before classes start.”

She raised her eyebrow at me. “Where exactly are you two planning to go?”

I shrugged. “No idea. I just woke up and she had my bag packed and told me it was a surprise and that we should invite you.”

She sat up straight. “As fun as that sounds, no thank you.”

I shrugged. “Thought I’d ask.”

The bathroom door opened and Catherine stepped out wearing a towel wrapped around her body. “Morning Laura.”

“Good morning Catherine.” Laura stood up and began to make her way to the bathroom.

“Oh Laura?” Laura turned around to look at Catherine. “Did you want to hang out with us today?”

“Carmilla already asked and I told her I had plans for today. Sorry. Maybe next time though.”

“Alright.” Catherine turned to the wardrobe.

“Did you need anything else from the bathroom because I’m going to take a shower?”

“No I’m good.”

“Great.” Laura turned and went into the bathroom.

“Looks like it’s just me and you.” Catherine gave me one of her bright smiles as she riffled through the wardrobe until finding an outfit.

“Well that’s never really a bad thing right?”

She dropped her towel and I couldn’t help letting my eyes travel along her naked body as she began to get dressed. “Not at all.”

“Where are we going by the way?” I watched as she slipped on a yellow sundress.

“It’s a surprise for a reason.” She bent down in her wardrobe and did her best to block my view of what she was packing in her travel bag.

“I hate surprises.”

“Yes well you’ll love this one since it’s a great view.” She stood up and held her hand out to me. “Come on. Let’s go enjoy our last weekend of freedom.”

I took her hand. I looked over at the bathroom door then at the ground. I wonder how it would feel to spend the day with Laura. “Let’s go then.”

* * *

**_Laura_ **

“Wait so you called her by her old nickname?” LaF asked.

“To be fair I was half asleep when I did it.” I set my cup of water down on the table.

I was still feeling my hangover. Last night was not one of my good ones. I let my desires and love for Carmilla worm their way to the forefront of my heart and drank more than I should have and for the wrong reason. I drank to forget her which along with the sex did not completely work like it usually did. It’s probably because Carmilla can just pop up whenever and I’d have to see her. I’d have to see her even when I don’t want to. I have to see her because she is a part of my life again. Whether I agreed to be her friend or not, she was going to be a part of my life because of our friends and now her girlfriend who is now my roommate. I’ll really have to get control over my drinking and sex life in terms of trying to drown Carmilla out of my system. Don’t want that happening too often.

“Ok, so here’s a question then. Do you still love her or are you just sexually attracted to her because she’s sexy as hell?”

I picked up my cup of water and took a drink in order to delay answering that question. Do I still love Carmilla? I’m not even going to broach that subject. Do I find her sexually attractive? Obviously. “I do find her sexually attractive which is somewhat part of the problem,” I replied clearly avoiding the other part of the question.

LaF nodded their head and leaned back in their seat. They looked at me knowingly. I can’t avoid answering their questions, but if I do I’m glad they won’t bother me until I answer. “I can’t blame you really. All of us pretty much dropped our jaws when we first saw Carmilla again, but it’ll go away once you’re around her more.”

“That’s what I’m hoping for.” I set my cup back down and crossed my legs.

“What are you going to do about her using her old nicknames for you?”

I stretched my arms up above my head before resting them on the table. “I’m not sure. She never really ever used my name unless it was for something serious.”

“Right, but…?”

“But it feels sort of weird yet not.” I rested my chin in the palm of my hand. “It’s our form of normal from before and after we had dated. It’s just weird because I haven’t been called those names in three years.”

“True. Are you going to be alright with it?”

I shrugged. “I will be. It’s just getting used to her calling me those names again.”

LaF nodded and leaned their elbows on the table top. “So, how was your first one-night stand as a college student?”

I smirked and leaned back against my chair. “That is none of your business.” They waggled their eyebrows and I rolled my eyes. If it wasn’t because I was trying to forget Carmilla, I would have enjoyed last night a lot more. The girl was pretty good. I still didn’t get her name though.

“Well with being on the volleyball team you might get some more nights like last night.”

“Maybe. I mean I am also in the marching band along with being a Journalism major with a minor in Art.”

“Yeah, but you’re still hot as hell mixed with being super cute, so the rest of that stuff won’t matter unless you’re trying to get a girlfriend.”

I shook my head. “Yeah definitely not trying to do that.”

LaF’s eyes took on a hint of sadness. “You do know you can’t always protect yourself from being hurt right?”

I stared down at the table. “I can if I don’t let people too close to me.”

“That’s not a way to live.”

I looked up at them trying my hardest to keep the storm of hurt out of my eyes. “It’s the only way I can live now.” I sat up straight and let out a deep breath. “I don’t really want to talk about this.”

They looked at me sadly and nodded. “Alright then.”

My Harry Potter ringtone started to play. I looked down at my phone and bunched my eyebrows together. I don’t know this number. I picked up the phone. “This is odd.”

“What is?”

“I don’t know this number.”

“Let me see.” I turned my phone around so LaF could see the number. They stared at the phone confused. “That’s Carmilla’s number, but I’m sure no one gave her your number.”

I looked at my phone as the ringtone kept playing. “Odd.” I clicked the accept button and pressed the phone to my ear. “Hello?”

_“Laura.”_

My heart dropped at the sound of my name coming from her voice. She sounded panicked and scared which also did not help the sudden feeling of unease that came over me. “What’s wrong?” LaF looked at me curiously as I sat up straight and began tapping my fingers against the table.

_“She, uh, s-she took me to a lake.”_

I almost dropped my phone, but got a grip on it at the last second. “Did you not tell her?”

_“I told her I couldn’t swim, but that obviously wasn’t enough.”_

I grabbed my keys off the table and stuffed them in my pockets. “Where are you now?”

_“N-no you don’t have to come over. I, uh, I just needed to, uh, hear your voice is all.”_

“Carm where are you?”

There was a long pause as I listened to the sound of her shallow breathing. _“At my apartment.”_

“I’ll be there soon.”

 _“Please don’t hang up,”_ she pleaded.

“I won’t.” I looked at LaF and pulled a pen out of my pocket. I grabbed the napkin that was on the table and wrote “Take me to Carmilla’s stat” on it and showed it to them. They nodded and got up quickly. “I’m on my way Carm. Why don’t you tell me what you’re studying.”

There was another long pause. _“Philosophy and Women’s Studies with a minor in Poetry.”_

“Why Poetry?”

_“It was a good outlet for things.”_

“Are you any good?” I climbed into LaF’s car and buckled up.

 _“I like to think so.”_ Her breathing seemed to be evening out to a normal pace.

“You should show me something sometime then.”

LaF put the car in drive and started to head to Carmilla’s apartment. I kept talking to her on the phone and noticed that she was calming down. The sinking feeling in my chest was beginning to lessen the more I could hear her breathing go back to normal. I just need to get to her to make sure she’s fully alright.

 

 

 

 

 

I walked up to the door and turned the door knob. Thankfully she didn’t lock it in her haste to get to her bedroom. I really don’t want her moving from where she was feeling safe and comfortable. I walked into her apartment and made as much noise with the door as I could without slamming it so she knew I just came in, but also so she wouldn’t get scared. I walked across her hardwood floors to the hallway and straight back to the bedroom. I froze at the entrance to her room. She was curled up into a very small ball and was staring at her balcony. The doors to her balcony were open and a light breeze flowed into the room as the white curtains moved along with the breeze. I looked back at her to notice that she was shaking. I bit down on my lip. I shouldn’t be here. I never should have come. Yet I’m here. I bit down on my lip and closed my eyes. Let’s just be honest, I’ll always be here. I’ll always be here for her.

I took a step into the room and walked over to her bed. I stopped at the edge of it and slipped my ballet flats off. I climbed into the bed and lay down behind her. I pressed my hand against her back and felt her go still at my touch. “Come here,” I whispered softly. Her body slowly uncurled and she turned around to face me. Her eyes were red from crying and they looked like they were drowning in the lake from her past. She wasn’t here. She was in the past. I scooted closer to her then caressed her cheek. “Carm. I’m here. I’m right here.” She blinked, but the faraway look didn’t leave her eyes. I wrapped an arm around her waist then ran my fingers through her hair with my other hand. She completely stopped shaking and closed her eyes. I slipped my hand under the back of her shirt and rubbed circles against her lower back. “Come back to me,” I whispered. “Come back to me.” After a long while she opened her eyes and she was no longer in the past, but her eyes were weighed down by vulnerability.

“Laura,” she choked out. Tears began to fall from her eyes.

I wiped them away and pressed a kiss to her forehead. “I’ve got you.” I caressed her cheek and pressed my forehead against hers. “I’ve got you.”

She moved her head to press against my chest and wrapped her arms tightly around me. I wrapped my arms around her and held her close to me. She gripped the back of my shirt in her fists and began to sob uncontrollably against me. I held her tight and kissed the top of her head. She moved closer to me until her body was completely pressed against mine. She intertwined our legs as she clung to me desperately. She held me as if I was the only person in the world that existed. At this moment, I probably am and I don’t mind at all. As much as I want to keep her at a distance, I know I will always be here to catch her when she falls…if she lets me.

After a long while of her crying, she finally calmed down and seemed to have fallen asleep. Her deep breaths against my chest were a clear indication of that coupled with the slack in her hold of my shirt. I adjusted my position a bit so I was more comfortable and closed my eyes. I won’t let go unless she asks me to. Until then, I might as well sleep too. I slipped my hand under the back of her shirt and began to trace circles against her lower back until I finally fell asleep.

* * *

 

 

**_Carmilla_ **

I woke up to the feeling of fingers running through my hair. It felt comforting and for once I have felt at peace. My demons feel as if they have been pushed back. It has been a long time since I have felt this way. So calm and free. At home and safe. I sighed as all of today’s memories flooded through my mind. The lake, Catherine being pissed off, and Laura. Laura. She stayed. She didn’t leave me. I tightened my hold on her and nuzzled her neck. I inhaled her scent of daises which was now paired with the familiar scent of vanilla. All that was missing was the smell of chocolate chip cookies.

I felt her press a kiss to the crown of my head. “You alright?” She asked worriedly.

I unwillingly pulled back and met her caring gaze. “I’m better now. Thank you.”

“Good.” Her fingers traced a path down my jawline and then back up tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. I closed my eyes at the feeling. It was gentle. I felt her lips press against my forehead and I opened my eyes. “I’m glad you’re alright now.” She blinked and looked away from me. She rolled onto her back then sat up. “I should get going though.”

I sat up and ran my hand through my hair. Right, she’s not mine anymore. I’m lucky she even decided to come. I watched her scoot to the edge of the bed then stand up. I pulled my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them. I stared at my bed sheet. “Thank you for staying with me.”

I looked up and met her gaze. There was a multitude of pain and sadness in her eyes that seemed to look like she had broken all over again. Her eyes began to gloss over and she blinked a few times. She was trying not to cry. I wanted to go to her and cup her face in my hands and wipe her tears away. To tell her everything was alright. I wanted to hold her until she felt better. I wanted to hold her and make her feel safe, but I can’t. I stayed sitting down as I watched as what seems like a million things go through her head all at once. She took in a deep breath and looked away from me.

“I promised I’d never leave you,” she said. I could hear how hard she was trying to not let her voice break. She looked back at me with sadness and anger. “And unlike some, I never will.” Her eyes hardened then she turned and walked out of my bedroom.

I listened to her footsteps against the floor then the sound of my front door opening. The door slammed shut and I buried my face in my hands. I should have never called her, but she was the first one I thought of. She’s always the first one I think of when I have a moment like that. I shook my head. What have I done?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter and you can follow musictomyearshsau.tumblr.com for updates and other stuff.


	4. Carnival

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: mild cussing

_**Laura** _

I sat down at the computer desk and started up my laptop. I opened up my Beowulf book and started my reading as my laptop booted up. Once it was on I started up my playlist for reading. I like English, but I really don’t like to read too much. I would rather write ten pages then read a book sometimes. Well unless it was Harry Potter or some other book I was seriously interested. I can’t really get into textbooks like I can books I buy to read in my spare time. I tapped my pen against the desk as I read through the chapters making sure to take notes at important parts and answering the questions the professor presented us with.

There was a small knock at the door. “Come in!”

The door opened and I glanced up to see who it was. Carmilla stood in the doorway with the door halfway open. “Has Catherine come back yet?”

“No, but she is on the other side of campus, so it’ll take her a while to get back.”

“Right.” She chewed on her bottom and looked down at the ground.

“You can come in and wait for her if you like. I’m just doing some English homework.”

She looked at me shyly. It was cute. “You sure?”

“Yes.”

She nodded her head and stepped into the room. She made her way over to Catherine’s bed setting her backpack down by the wardrobe along the way and flopped down onto it. She crossed her ankles and folded her hands on top of her stomach. I gave her a pointed look. Alright she was no longer cute. She was acting aloof and staring up at the ceiling like it was the most interesting thing in the world. I shook my head and went back to reading my book. None of my business.

I got through two pages and the sound of her sitting up in Catherine’s bed before she spoke. “Thank you for the other day. You didn’t have to and I’m sorry if I hurt you by calling you.”

I closed my book and set it on top of the desk. I rolled the chair over to her and sat in front of her. “It did hurt, but I’m glad you can still count on me to be there for you.” She glanced up at me through her bangs. “I meant it when I said I wanted us to be friends, so I’m going to be there for you if you need me.” Even if it breaks me apart to do so.

She gave me a small nod. “What you said before you left, I just-

“No,” I interrupted. I shook my head and sighed. “I shouldn’t have said that. I was hurt and I shouldn’t have said it.”

“But you were right.” She looked up to meet my eyes with a steady gaze of conviction. “You were right and you shouldn’t apologize for it.” She looked away towards the door. “I can’t take back the decision I made, but I am here now.” She looked back to me with pleading eyes. “I want to be here for you now and I will do everything I can to make sure you know I will be here for you no matter what. You have me and I’m not going anywhere unless you ask me to.” She reached out and pressed her fingertips against the back of my hand. I did my best to not pull away from the touch. Her fingers slid into the palm of my hand and she loosely held my hand in hers. I looked down to our joined hands. She left me space to pull away. “I’m not going anywhere.” I met her vulnerable eyes. Her thumb caressed the back of my hand.

I looked away from her. “It’ll be a while before I believe you.”

“I know,” she softly whispered.

I took her hand in a firmer grip enjoying the feel of it in my hand again. Her hand was soft and delicate, but yet still strong and dare I say dependable? I sighed and looked back at her. “Friends?”

The corner of her mouth turned up into a small smile. “I would like that very much.”

* * *

 

**_LaFontaine_ **

I held Perry’s hand as we waited for Carmilla, Catherine, and Laura to come down from their room so we could all go to the carnival. The door opened and Carmilla and Catherine walked out. Laura wasn’t with them. I frowned and watched as Catherine took Carmilla’s hand and intertwined their fingers together. Carmilla gave her a small smile. It wasn’t her usual full happy one. Carmilla looked down at the ground as Catherine moved closer to her so their shoulders were pressing together. I watched as Carmilla’s mouth turned down into a bit of a frown. It’s so obvious that Carmilla is being affected by Laura and vice versa. I mentally rolled my eyes. Carmilla and Laura are going to be the death of me if they can’t get it together.

“Where’s the frosh?” I asked.

“Laura said she didn’t want to come,” Catherine answered.

“Seriously?”

“Yup. Said she wanted to get ahead on her lit paper.”

Laura is really a pain in the ass. “I’ll be back Perr.” I kissed her cheek.

“LaFontaine what are you going to do?” Perry asked.

“Drag the frosh down here if I have to.” I stormed over to the dorm.

“LaFontaine let her be.”

“Not gonna happen!” I called back over my shoulder.

I walked into the dorm and went to the elevator. Laura is such a pain in the ass. She’s only been in school for a week and half the female population on campus was in the palm of her hands. I understand that she doesn’t want to be in a relationship and that she wants to have fun and I have no issues with that at all. The issue I have is that it seems like most of the time she’s doing it because she wants to forget Carmilla. She’s doing it because she saw Carmilla across the quad or Carmilla was hanging out in her room waiting for Catherine. It’s not fair to those girls to be used that way.

I walked over to her dorm room and opened the door. “Get out of bed frosh you’re coming to the school carnival.”

She sat up in bed and rolled her eyes. “I already told Catherine and Carmilla that I’m not going.”

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t feel like it.” She got up from her bed and moved over to her desk. She grabbed a book and sat back down on her bed.

“Bullshit.”

“What?”

“You heard me. Bullshit.” I moved over to her and stole the book out of her hands. “What’s really going on?”

“It’s none of your business LaFontaine,” she snapped.

“You’re right it’s none of my business, but whatever the hell it is, you can’t let it stop you from having fun. Now get up and let’s go to the carnival.” I set her book back down on her desk.

She ran her hand through her hair. “I’m still trying to figure out how to be Carmilla’s friend,” she finally said.

“Meaning?”

“Meaning that it still feels awkward to be around her.”

I sat down on her computer chair. “Why does it feel awkward?”

She shrugged. “We dated so it’s a bit odd to just go to being friends now.”

I nodded my head. “Well that’s where you two are at.” Even if it’s going to drive me insane to see you two like that. “You have to not think of Carmilla as your ex-girlfriend, but as someone new, as someone who could be your best friend.”

“Easier said than done.” She flopped back onto her bed and stared at the ceiling.

“If things were easy then how would we ever grow?”

She sighed. “It’s still hard.”

I shoved her knee reassuringly. “Come on frosh. You won’t be able to make it work if you just avoid her.”

She groaned. “I know.” She sat up and reached for her shoes. “I hate when you’re right.”

“So does everyone, but I didn’t get a biology scholarship for my good looks.”

She smiled. “LaFonbrain.”

“Shrimp.” I smiled and stood up. “Now come on. Let’s go have some fun after a good week of school.”

She stood up and stretched. “Right.” She grabbed her new black and red volleyball sports jacket. She pushed the sleeves up to her elbows and walked out of the room. I followed behind her closing the door. “Thanks LaF.”

“For what?”

“For not letting me mope around in my room.”

I slung my arm around her shoulders. “You’ll figure it all out frosh. Give it some time. For now just act like your usual self.”

“I’ll try.” She tucked her hands into her coat pockets.

“Alright. Let’s go have some fun!” I fist pumped the air as we got into the elevator.

Hopefully these two figure out their relationship sooner rather than later.

* * *

 

**_Carmilla_ **

I wrapped my arm around her shoulders and she reached up to hold my hand. It wasn’t too cold out, but it was nice having her against me. She was warm and was keeping me from shivering too much. She wrapped her arm around my waist. We stepped forward as the line moved up. I looked over to see the ginger twins holding hands and talking to one another. Danny was kicking her boyfriend’s butt at some games while Kirsch was trying to win a prize for his girlfriend. My eyes searched the gaming area until my eyes fell on her. She was standing and talking to some girl. JP was next to her talking to the girl’s friend or something. Laura reached up and tucked a strand of the girl’s hair behind her ear. The girl blushed and looked away shyly.

“Laura really knows how to flirt huh?” Catherine said as I looked down to see her watching Laura.

I looked away. “Yeah she does.” Laura started laughing and the other girl moved a bit closer to her.

“If I wasn’t with you I probably would be like that girl right now.” I tried not to laugh. “Was she like this in high school?”

I shook my head. “No. She was the complete opposite. She was very dorky and didn’t really talk to anyone unless they were her friends.”

“I wonder what changed then because she definitely looks like she knows what she’s doing now.”

I looked down at the ground. I don’t even know what happened to her after I left and stopped writing. “I don’t know. I left midway through high school.”

“Did you two keep in touch?”

I glanced up at her. “We tried to, but we were in two separate countries, so we just lost touch.”

She hummed and nodded her head. “That’s unfortunate.” We moved forward in the line.

“It is.” I looked back over to Laura and watched as she took the other girl’s hand in hers and then started to walk back over to us.

I wonder what happened after I stopped writing. How did Laura handle it? Why does it seem like everyone is stepping on eggshells around her and like she’s the outcast of the group? I looked away and mentally sighed. I have no right to know.

* * *

 

**_Danny_ **

“I swear those two are going to give me a major headache,” I said once I was standing next to LaFontaine and Perry as I watched Carmilla turn her sad eyes away from Laura as Laura walked over to her with some girl under her arm.

LaFontaine shrugged. “They’ll figure it out. I’m just glad Laura hasn’t tried to kill her yet.”

“That is no way to talk about our friends,” Perry said.

“Right Perr,” LaFontaine said with a hint of snark to it.

“What is that supposed to mean?”

LaFontaine gave her a weary look. “You were planning to yell at Laura until your voice went hoarse because of your built up emotions and I had to stop you from doing that.”

Perry shook her head. “Well she deserves to know what she put us through.”

“And I agree, but forcing Laura to talk is not the way to go. We tried that already and look where it landed us.”

I cleared my throat to get their attention. “Look we all are going to move forward, but honestly those two are going to be a pain in the ass to deal with if they don’t figure it out or work it out. I hate to say it, but we’re going to need to play referee if we have to between them.”

“I wish they would just get back together.” I turned to see Kirsch as he slipped his hands into his pockets. “It sucked what happened, but like they were good for each other.” He looked back to his girlfriend who was talking to one of her friends in order to avoid looking at me.

I glared at him. “Do you honestly think that would be a good idea now after everything we had to go through with Laura?”

He shrugged. “I’m just saying I’m not against it if that’s where they end up.”

I crossed my arms and stared him down. “You have been spending too much time with Will.”

He freed one of his hands and scratched the back of his neck. “He won’t say anything specific, but I know and can see that Carmilla has not stopped loving Laura. I mean we’ve seen some of the girls she’s dated. They all have something in common with Laura.”

“I hate to say it, but he’s right and it’s not like we all haven’t noticed it before,” LaFontaine said matter-of-factly.

Perry played with her fingertips before waving them and placing them on her waist. “It is true, but that’s the old Laura not this Laura.”

“Laura grew up Perry. We have to accept that,” LaFontaine said.

I sighed. “Let’s just forget about this and stay out of their way unless we have no other choice.” I looked behind me to see my boyfriend walking back with cotton candy. “Let’s just have fun tonight.”

I looked back to see Catherine happily talking to Laura while Carmilla looked awkward and uncomfortable. Laura looked uncomfortable as well, but not as much as Carmilla did. Laura seemed to have gotten better at hiding her emotions. I sighed. Unlike Kirsch, I hope Carmilla stays away from Laura. I don’t want to have a repeat of what happened to Laura after Carmilla stopped writing. I don’t want to ever see Laura that broken again. Once in my lifetime is enough. I don’t think I’d be able to handle it a second time.

* * *

 

**_Carmilla_ **

“Whoo! Ferris wheel time!” LaFontaine shouted as they tugged Perry over to the line for the Ferris wheel.

Catherine stopped and kissed my cheek. “I’ll be back. I’m going to go use the restroom real quick.”

“Alright.” I pulled my arm off her shoulders and watched as she made her way to the restroom. I stood close to Laura and JP while the rest of the group was waiting in line with the ginger twins.

“Alright I draw the line here Laura.” I looked to see JP standing with his hands on his hips as he stared at the Ferris wheel.

“Please you haven’t gotten on a ride with me at all this entire night.” Laura said staring him down with a glare.

He shrugged. “No, but I’ve been playing wingman so you could get someone to get on the rides with you.”

She quirked her eyebrow up at him. “You make it sound like it was so much trouble for you.” She crossed her arms over her chest. “You did get that guy’s number at the beginning and then that girl’s number just right now.”

He smirked. “Yes well I plan to go meet up with one of them, so have fun with the Ferris wheel.”

“You’re such a great friend,” Laura said sarcastically.

“You’ll thank me when I get that one blonde girl’s number for you that you seemed to really enjoy talking to.”

She bit her bottom lip. “Fine. We’ll call it even.”

He smiled. “Great. See ya.” He walked away.

Laura shook her head and tucked her hands into the pockets of her sport’s jacket. She shook her head then made her way to stand in line with everyone. I watched as she got in line then turned to the group of girls behind her. She started to talk to all of them until one of them showed more interest than the others. Laura moved closer to the brunette and focused her attention on her while keeping her friends involved in the conversation. I looked away.

Catherine slid her hand into mine. “You ready?” I asked.

She tilted her head back to look at the big Ferris wheel and shook her head. “Sorry, but I’m afraid of heights and I draw my line here.”

I looked at her curiously. “You never said you were afraid of heights. I wouldn’t have dragged you on the other rides if I knew.”

She smiled shyly. “It’s alright. The other rides were fast and I kept my eyes closed for the majority of them, so I was fine, but I can’t do the Ferris wheel.”

I nodded my head and wrapped my arm around her waist. “Alright then. We’ll go play some games or something until they’re done.”

She shook her head. “No. You go. I know you like the view from high places.”

“You sure? I don’t mind staying with you.”

“I’m sure. Now go. You can ride with Laura so she doesn’t break another girl’s heart tonight.”

I smiled. “How noble of you.”

She wrapped her arms around my neck and kissed me tenderly. “Someone has to look out for the broken hearted.”

I pressed my lips to hers trying hard not to smile. “Alright. I’ll see you when we’re done.”

I let her go and walked away. She slapped my ass. I turned and she winked at me. “Couldn’t help it,” she said. I shook my head and chuckled. I composed myself quickly though. A Ferris wheel ride with Laura. This should be interesting.

“Laura,” I said as I came up next to her.

“What can I do for you Carmilla?” She asked as she turned away from the girl she was flirting with.

“Mind riding the Ferris wheel with me?”

She gave me a questioning look and glanced over my shoulder. “Did you get ditched?”

“She’s afraid of heights.”

She bit her lip then shrugged. “Alright. That’s fine with me.” She turned back to the girl she was flirting with. “Sorry. Looks like my friend here needs a partner for the Ferris wheel.”

The girl looked at me then shrugged. “That’s fine. Maybe next time,” she said suggestively as she looked to Laura’s lips.

Laura pulled out her cellphone and unlocked it pulling up a new contact. “Yeah maybe.” She handed her phone to the girl. The girl took the phone and typed in her phone number. She saved it and handed it back to Laura. Laura winked at the girl and slipped her phone in her pocket. She turned to me and bumped my shoulder. “You having fun?”

I shrugged. “I’m not one for carnivals, but my girlfriend and the dimwit squad don’t let you get out of going.”

She nodded her head and smiled. “Our friends can be pushy sometimes.”

I smiled. “Yeah they really can be, but they wouldn’t be them if they weren’t.”

“Very true.” She tucked her hands into the pockets of her jacket.

We stood there quietly, but it wasn’t an awkward silence. It was like we were comfortable for once. Maybe being around her all night has helped. I mean at first it was awkward especially when seeing her flirt with girls, but now it seems like the wall that was between us has been knocked down a bit. I glanced at her and smiled. I guess avoiding her as much as possible won’t make it easier for us to get along as friends.

I nudged her shoulder. “How was your first week?”

“It was alright. I already have assignments due next week and then volleyball practices are going to start at the same time as band, so I’m going to have to pick which ones I’m going to go to. You?”

“Not too bad. Mostly have to go to orchestra practices.”

“You still play?”

“Yeah.”

She smiled. “I’m glad you kept playing. You were really good.”

“I’m still good you know.”

She smirked. “I guess we’ll have to see about that. When do you have your first concert?”

“Next month.”

“Alright. I’ll try to make it.”

“Alright.” I smiled.

* * *

 

**_Laura_ **

It was definitely easier to be around Carmilla now that I’ve spent the entire night with her. It seemed like we fell into our old rhythm, but then again not. It was different this time. Before we started dating we were friends, but we had feelings for each other. Now that those feelings were being repressed and we were trying to move on, it seemed like this was a real beginning to being friends. No overbearing need to touch each other or want to be close to one another at all times. No falling in love with one another or wanting to date the other person. It was just the two of us just enjoying each other’s company.

It was awkward at first, but after making sure to shut out my feelings, it was easier to just be around her. I glanced at her. She seemed very relaxed now as well. We can do this. We can put everything behind us and just be friends.

“Step on up ladies,” the ride conductor said.

We stepped up and sat down in the carriage. He came up and locked the safety bar into place and pulled on it to make sure it was on correctly. He moved back to the lever and pulled it back. We moved higher up into the air. I slid my sleeves down to cover my arms fully since it was a bit colder now that we were up in the air and not on the ground surrounded by so many people. I looked up and could make out LaFontaine and Perry’s red hair above us. LaFontaine was rocking their carriage back and forth. I laughed as I thought of the look of horror on Perry’s face.

“I’m sure Perry is going to kill them once they get off,” Carmilla commented as she tried not to laugh.

“As long as they don’t do anything else I think LaF will live to see tomorrow.” I leaned forward with my arms resting on the safety bar as we moved up higher. We were almost at the very peak of the Ferris wheel. I tilted my head back to look up at the sky. “The stars look nice tonight.”

Her arm moved to rest behind me on top of the back of the carriage. “They are, but wait until we get to the very top. The city looks even better.” She turned and smiled like a kid who was waiting to open Christmas presents.

“Whatever you say.” I looked down to the carnival and watched as people walked around smiling and talking as if there was nothing wrong with the world. Like they had nothing to worry about.

“The view from up here makes it seem like we have nothing to be concerned about. Like the worries of the world mean nothing the closer we get to the sky. I can almost forget that I am a being meant for the ground instead of the stars.” I looked over at her. She stared down at the ground with thoughtfulness. “I am someone else when I am up here while on the ground the weight of the life I have lived weighs me down and attempts to grind me to dust. It makes me question the reality of it all in comparison to the realities that others live. Yet, at the end of the day the stars are dead and one life will never be the same as another and we are beings who wear masks.”

“You really are a Philosophy major.”

She smirked and looked at me. “I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

I smiled and shook my head. “Alright stop being so broody.” I elbowed her side playfully.

She chuckled and the Ferris wheel took us to the very peak. She looked out straight ahead. I followed her gaze and felt my breath get caught in my throat. The lights of the town were bright against the darkness of the night. Pockets of light designated which parts were filled with people having fun and enjoying the night. Other parts were cast in shadow or darkness with just twinkles of lights that showed that there were some people still awake while the rest are in bed sleeping or out having fun. There was a difference of the dimness of the lights that made it seem like they were all different colors. It was a beautiful light show.

“I told you it was a good view.”

I looked over to see her smirking. “Alright I’ll admit that you were right.”

She smiled warmly and pulled her arm away from behind me and folded her hands together in front of her on top of the safety bar. “You’ll see that that happens more often.”

I rolled my eyes. “Don’t get a big head just yet.”

She nudged my shoulder. “Just wait and see.”

I shook my head and leaned forward against the safety bar. It was nice and I was getting the sudden itch to paint. I scanned the scene as best as possible so I could attempt to paint it later. Just something to do for fun before I start stressing out over what I actually have to paint for class. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly as the Ferris wheel started to move down. I could hear music playing from one of the rides below us and I couldn’t help bobbing my head to the beat. “Do you recall not long ago, we would walk on the sidewalk? Innocent, remember? All we did was care for each other, but the night was warm, we were bold and young. All around the wind blows we would only hold on to let go,” I sang softly.

“Blow a kiss, fire a gun. We need someone to lean on. Blow a kiss, fire a gun. All we need is somebody to lean on. Blow a kiss, fire a gun. We need someone to lean on. Blow a kiss, fire a gun. All we need is somebody to lean on,” she sang.

I started to tap against the safety bar and moving my body a bit more to the beat of the song as the Ferris wheel made its way around. She bobbed her head and started to tap against the safety bar as well. “What will we do when we get old? Will we walk down the same road? Will you be there by my side? Standing strong as the waves roll over,” I sang louder.

“When the nights are long, longing for you to come home. All around the wind blows we would only hold on to let go,” she finished.

We sang louder and raised our hands in the air to dance. We passed by the conductor on our way back up to the top. We bumped our shoulders together then moved them up and down as we punched the air in front of us. We laughed and swerved our heads to the right then to the left. We made the carriage swing as we danced with just our hands and arms.

“You two are dorks!” LaFontaine called out from below us now.

“Don’t be a LaFonhater!” I yelled back.

“Whatever frosh!”

I giggled and sat back against my chair. I looked at her and she raised her eyebrow at me then shrugged. She sat back as well as we got back to the ground. This was fun.

* * *

 

**_Catherine_ **

I watched as Carmilla sang and danced on the ferris wheel with Laura. She was smiling more than I have ever seen her smile before. It was like looking at a completely different person right now. The Carmilla I know and am dating is different from this one who was singing loudly and dancing. She was willingly having fun on her on accord and not because her friends and I had to force her to. It was a nice thing to see. Plus it was nice to finally see those two getting along like old friends. It was like a mountain was separating them and there was no way around or above it. I smiled. Maybe I can get Carmilla to sing for me sometime or maybe even dance.

“Those two are huge dorks.”

I turned to look at JP. “I think it’s cute.” I looked back up at them. “It’s nice to see that their friendship is still there.”

He hummed. “Let’s hope it stays there.”

I looked back at him curiously. “What do you mean?”

He licked his bottom lip then shrugged. “It’s been a while since they talked, so hopefully they don’t start arguing.”

I stared at him as an unsettling feeling lodged itself in my stomach. “Why would they argue?”

He glanced at me. “They just haven’t really talked about why they lost touch with one another, so it may happen at some point if they find that leaving things in the past isn’t going to work for them now in moving toward the future.”

I tried to see if he was hiding something, but he looked away and back to the Ferris wheel. The sinking feeling in my stomach didn’t leave. I looked back to the Ferris wheel to see them get off. Carmilla gave Laura a playful shove and Laura returned it. They were laughing together and seemed to be on good terms now. Seeing Carmilla laugh and smile that much when she never has with me made me start to feel sick. I shook away the thought that entered my mind. They’re just old friends trying to rebuild their relationship after their falling out. That’s all. They’re just friends. Right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you can follow musictomyearshsau.tumblr.com for updates and other stuff.


	5. Homework and Unease

**_Catherine_ **

I shifted the weight of my backpack as I walked over to the big oak tree on the quad. I tilted my head to the side to peer around it. She was sitting there reading a book as usual. I walked quietly over to her. I stopped just to the side of the tree and looked down at her. She had her legs stretched out and her ankles crossed as she flipped to the next page in her book. Her hair blew away from her face as the wind picked up. I smiled. She’s so beautiful. I can’t believe she’s mine.

“I thought you would be here.”

She looked over her shoulder and up at me. A small smile crossed her face as she closed her book. “Where else would I be?” She uncrossed her ankles and spread her legs open. She patted the space between her legs.

I slipped my backpack off and moved to sit down between her legs. I leaned my back against her front as her arms slid around my waist. I turned and kissed her lips happily. “How was your class?”

“It was alright. Nothing special.” She rested her chin on my shoulder and held me tight.

I reached up and threaded my fingers in her curly hair. “What are you doing tonight?”

“I have to work.”

“Do you have to?” I whined.

She pressed a gentle kiss to my shoulder. “Yes I do.”

I tilted my head back against her shoulder. “You do know that you don’t have to work right? Like you do have money.”

She hummed and loosened her grip around my waist a bit. “I know, but I don’t like not doing anything.”

I sighed. “I know. I just wanted to watch Netflix with you tonight.”

She kissed the side of my head. “Next time beautiful.” Her left arm slid off my waist as she went to pick her book back up. “Stay with me for a bit?”

“Of course.” I turned my body a bit so that my side was resting against her front. I tucked my head against the crook of her neck. I kissed her neck softly then closed my eyes and rested in her warm embrace.

There was so much I wanted to ask her about her and Laura, but being like this with her allowed for the thoughts to slip away. She’s mine and she wants to be with me. I have nothing to fear. They’re just friends regardless of what their history is. She’s with me. That’s all that matters. Everything else can just fade into the background. I sighed contently. I love being with her like this. It was like nothing else in the world mattered except for the two of us. It was the best feeling.

* * *

 

**_Laura_ **

I thumped my forehead against the table and groaned. I really don’t get this at all.

“I swear if I have to hear you say statistics suck one more time I’m going to throw your cookies in the trash,” LaF said warningly.

I rested my chin on top of the table and glared up at them. “You wouldn’t dare.”

“Oh I will do it. Now stop being a pain and just call Carmilla. She took this class last semester, so she should still have the notes if you’re lucky.”

I groaned and hit my forehead against the table again. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and sat up. I flipped through my contacts until I got to hers. I chewed on my bottom lip. I know we ended up at a good place in our friendship after the carnival, but was it enough to allow me to call her and ask for help with my homework? We are friends, so it shouldn’t matter if I ask for help every once in a while. That’s what friends do. I clicked the call button and pressed my phone to my ear while taking in a deep calming breath. I thought back to the Ferris wheel ride and smiled. Yeah asking her for help shouldn’t be a problem. There was no more tension between us after that embarrassing moment. I listened as the phone rang.

_“Hello?”_

I turned the volume up on my phone to better hear her because she had a lot of background noise. “Hey Carmilla.”

_“What can I do for you cupcake?”_

“I was just wondering if you still had your notes from statistics class last semester. I’m having a bit of trouble.”

_“Hold on.”_ I bit my lip as I listened to her yell at someone. _“Alright. Hey I’m actually at work right now. If you really need some help just stop by and say you’re my friend so you can get in with your bag.”_

“You sure I don’t want to be a bother?”

She yelled at someone again. _“Yeah. Just come over.”_

“Alright where do you work?”

_“The Black Cat.”_

I wrote it down. “Alright. I’ll see you in a bit. Thanks.”

_“No problem.”_

I hung up the phone and looked at LaF. “Alright since it was your idea I call, mind giving me a ride to her work place?”

They nodded their head. “Sure thing frosh. Get your stuff.”

 

 

 

 

 

I gripped my bag tighter as I squeezed through the crowd to get to the bar. The music was loud and blaring and I was beginning to get a headache since all I’ve eaten today was my cookies since I’ve been in class since this morning then trying to get my homework done. I just need to get this stupid statistics homework done and I can be done with my day. I pushed by someone else and finally got to the bar. I waited in the line before slipping into the small space left at the bar top at the very end by the beer taps. I put my hands on the edge of the bar top as I looked for Carmilla behind it.

I saw her lean over the bar a bit to hand someone their bottle of beer. She was smiling and laughing with this customer. Her body slightly turned toward me and I could see her wearing a Moon Phases T-shirt the she paired with some very short black shorts and black knee high socks. Other than the obvious that she is very sexy, this is the most that I have ever seen her smile since we’ve been around one another aside from the carnival this past weekend. I rest my elbow on the bar top and then leaned my cheek into the palm of my hand to watch her.

She seemed so much more full of life now than in those last couple of months we spent together. She was broken in more ways than one and it made me happy to see her like this. She was smiling and laughing and just seemed to brighten up the room. She’s a bright shining star now compared to the last time I saw her. I crossed my arms on top of the bar top and rested my chin on top of them to watch her. She moved around with more confidence and strength. She still had a delicate and sophisticated aura to her that made her movements seem like a piece of art. I’m glad she was able to piece herself together to be happy now. One of the many questions I used to have now answered.

She looked up from the ice box and met my gaze. Her face lit up and a warm smile crossed her lips as she looked at me. I smiled back and waved shyly. She gave me a small wave and held a finger up to me. She turned away and made a mixed drink for a customer. She stuck the money in the register then walked over to me.

“Hey buttercup. How are you?”

“Doing alright besides the whole dying from math thing.”

She chuckled and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “Well let me help you out then.” She turned her back to me then hopped up onto the bar top. She spun around and I put my hand on her knee then on her waist as she slid down in front of me. “Thanks for the help.”

“No problem.”

“Follow me.” She took my hand and led me through the crowd and through the “employees only” door. We navigated through the hall, through the kitchen, and then through another hall before she opened the door that opened up to a small locker room. She moved us over to the bench that sat in the middle of the room between two sets of lockers. “Alright let’s see what we’re doing.” She straddled the bench.

I put my bag down and mirrored her position. I took out my notebook and book and opened them up to the problem I was having trouble with. “Alright I can’t figure this out.”

She turned the book over to look at the chapter then grabbed my notebook and flipped through my notes. She hummed as she tapped her fingers against my book. “Alright this is where you went wrong.” She put my notebook down in front of me and pointed to the equation. “You’re supposed to do this first before you do this next step. Then you skipped a step here. “

I looked down at my notebook and frowned. “Mind showing me the correct way?”

She got up from her spot and kneeled down next to me. She grabbed my pencil out of my hand and started to rewrite the equation for me. She turned the notebook more to me and put her arm on my thigh to keep herself balanced as she leaned over my thigh to write on the notebook. “So you need to do this equation in this order.” I followed what she wrote on the paper. “Then once you have this answer here,” she circled the answer, “you go ahead and do this next step here.” She underlined the next step for me. “Once you finish this step, you’ll do this final step here and get your final answer.” She circled the final answer. “You understand?”

I furrowed my eyebrows as I stared at the equation and how she did it. I took the pencil from her and made notes along the margin of what she did. “I think so.”

She hummed and nodded her head. “Give the next equation a try and I’ll help you if you get stuck or do something wrong.”

“Alright.”

I set up the next problem and started to work it out following what Carmilla had done in the previous one. She tapped her finger on one part. “Fix this here.”

I erased the numbers and rewrote it correctly. “Thanks.”

She hummed again as she watched me go through this problem and then the others. She would tap her finger on the page whenever I wrote something wrong or skipped a step. After a while she shifted and sat down fully on the floor cross-legged and rested her chin on top of my thigh as she watched me work out the problems. She lifted her head from my thigh and reached into my backpack. She pulled out another pencil and rested her chin back onto my thigh. She began to doodle in the empty spaces of my paper while still making sure I did my problems right. It was definitely easier to understand when she explained it to me.

* * *

 

**_Catherine_ **

I waved my hand at Kirsch and he came right over. “Hey what can I do for you?” He asked as I drummed my fingers against the bar top.

“Is Carmilla here? She said she was working tonight.”

“Oh yeah. I came in early because she said she was going to help Laura with some homework, so they should be in the back.”

“Thanks Kirsch.”

“No problemo.”

I walked away from the bar and headed to the back where the locker rooms were. I got to the door and froze in the doorway. I looked through the little window to see Carmilla resting her head on Laura’s thigh while Laura ran her fingers through Carmilla’s hair. After a moment, Laura moved her fingers out from Carmilla’s hair and leaned forward a bit. I took a deep breath to calm my nerves. I opened the door slowly and tried not to wince when it creaked.

Carmilla’s head snapped up to look at me. A smile spread across her face and she quickly got to her feet. She walked over to me and put her hands on my waist. “Hey you,” she said and placed a small kiss to my lips.

“Hey.” I wrapped my arms around her shoulders. “Sorry if I interrupted.”

“No it’s okay. We’re almost done.” She pulled me closer to her. “I wasn’t expecting you tonight.”

I shrugged and smiled shyly. “I thought I’d bring you some food since you didn’t eat lunch today.” I tapped the bag of food against her back.

She smiled and gave me another kiss. “Thank you. I was starting to get very hungry.”

“I thought so.” I pulled away from her and held out the bag of food.

She took it from me and opened it up. She frowned. “I take it you’re not going to stay and eat with me?”

I shook my head. “No. I have a paper to finish up that’s due in the morning.”

“You sure? I can still hang out back here since I got Kirsch to come in early.”’

“No. I’m okay. I’ll see you tomorrow though for our lunch date.”

“Of course.” She leaned down and kissed me tenderly.

I hummed then pulled back. “Alright I’ll see you tomorrow lover.”

She smirked. “See you tomorrow.”

I leaned over to look around Carmilla to Laura. “See ya later Laura.”

She looked up from her notebook and blinked a couple times while furrowing her eyebrows. Realization came over her and she smiled happily. “Sorry. I didn’t notice you came in.”

I tried not to laugh. “Don’t get too lost in your homework now.”

She blushed and tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear. “I’ll try not to.”

“Alright then I’ll see you later.”

She waved. “I’ll see you later.”

I looked back to Carmilla and kissed her cheek before leaving. I walked out the door and hurried out of the bar. The uneasy feeling from the carnival came back. No, if I’m being honest this feeling has always been there ever since I first started dating Carmilla. It always seemed like she was somewhere else most of the time and even now there are moments when she seems to be in a world of her own. I didn’t think I would go back to having this feeling constantly hanging around me since we’ve been together for four months now, but it looks like it’s come back to take up permanent residence in my mind and heart. I sighed. She’s with me. She’s my girlfriend. She loves me…maybe.

* * *

 

**_Carmilla_ **

I watched her walk out the door curiously. Something seems off. I’ll ask her later. I walked over to Laura and straddled the bench. I opened up the bag and took out the food setting it down on the bench. I popped a fry into my mouth and looked over at Laura. She swooped her hair over her left shoulder as she bent over her notebook to finish up the last problem she was working on. I unwrapped the hamburger and took a bite out of it. My eyes traveled down her neck and landed on the bit of her collarbone that I could see. A hint of a scar was visible and looked like it extended to the part of her collarbone that was covered by her grey V-neck shirt. I wonder what the story is with that.

I took another bite of my hamburger. She put her pencil down and sat up. She stretched her arms up above her head and let out a satisfied moan. I saw little scars on her arms. Did she get those from traveling? I tilted my head and looked at her curiously. She put her hands on her thighs and stared at me. Her eyebrow quirked up and I shrugged. It’s none of business.

“You done buttercup?”

She closed her notebook and textbook. “Yes.” She packed her stuff into her backpack then turned her back to me before lying down on the bench.

Her head was close to where my fries were and I picked one up. “You want one?”

“If you don’t mind.”

“Nope.” I held it above her mouth. “Say ahhh.”

“Ahhh,” she said while opening her mouth.

I placed the fry in her mouth. She chewed on it then her stomach grumbled. “Sorry. I forgot I only had cookies today.”

I held another fry over her mouth. She opened her mouth and I dropped the fry into it. “It’s alright cutie. We all forget to eat sometimes although you only eating cookies is nothing new.” I smirked and took a bite out of my hamburger.

“You’re right, but if Perry found out I’d never hear the end of it.”

I hummed in agreement and fed her another fry. “Well this will be our secret from Ginger One.”

“Thank you.” She sat up and stretched again before turning to face me. “And thanks for helping me out with my homework. It was easier to understand when you explained it.”

I picked up a fry and hovered it close to her lips. She opened her mouth and I placed it in her mouth. “It’s no problem. I’ll give you my notes once I find them.”

“That would be great.”

I held my hamburger out to her. She leaned forward and took a bite from it. We sat there in silence as we ate my food. It was nice.

* * *

 

**_Laura_ **

I walked into my dorm and saw Catherine sitting on her bed typing away on her laptop. I set my backpack down by my bed and sat down. I took my shoes off and flopped down against my bed. I’m so tired and I’m so glad that I only have one class tomorrow in the afternoon. I can get extra sleep in the morning. I sat up and ran my hand through my hair. Thanks to Carmilla, I didn’t need to go grab food from the 24/7 diner across from the campus main gate. I sighed and got up from the bed. I might as well take a shower.

“Hey, one of the girls you hooked up with stopped by earlier.”

I turned to see Catherine staring at me. I sighed and leaned against the wardrobe. “What was her name?”

She shrugged. “She didn’t leave one. Just said you were supposed to stop by her place tonight.”

I racked my brain real quick then pulled out my phone. I went through my texts from today and found one from this afternoon. Crap. I did make plans to hang out with Alena tonight. I shot her a quick apology text then tossed my phone onto my bed. “Sorry about that. I completely forgot.”

“It’s alright. Just maybe you should give me a list of excuses to give them if they stop by,” she suggested.

I smirked. “Well that would be easy to do if I had a list of excuses to give.”

She shook her head and rolled her eyes. She looked back down at her laptop and started to type again. I turned back to the wardrobe to grab some pajamas to change into after my shower. “Do you think you will slow down with sleeping with so many girls?”

I held my pajamas close to my chest and turned to look at her. “Does it bother you?”

She tilted her head to the side. “No. I just meant that maybe you might want to slow down in case you meet a girl you actually like as more than just a one night stand.”

I leaned back against the wardrobe. “I’m not interested in relationships.”

She looked at me. “Why?”

Because your girlfriend was the one to ruin that notion for me. “It’s just not something I’m concerned about right now. I just want to have some fun and enjoy being in college before I have to deal with the real world.”

She nodded her head. “Well if you change your mind about the relationship thing let me know. I have some friends who might be interested.”

I smirked. “Then you might want to keep them away from me until then.”

She giggled. “Fair enough.”

I walked over to the bathroom to take my shower. I let the warm water wash over me. A relationship. Right. I’m so not ready to have one right now. I actually don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have one. I can’t handle the idea of giving someone my heart again only to have it crushed. I may have gotten stronger to where I won’t fall to pieces if it does happen, but I still don’t like the thought of being hurt in that way again. I don’t want to be that close to someone again if I can help it. I sighed. I can’t fall in love again. Not again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> follow me at musictomyearshsau.tumblr.com for updates and many other things. :)


	6. Throwback

**_Carmilla_ **

She rested her head on my shoulder and linked our hands together. I rested my cheek against the top of her head. I caressed the back of her hand with my thumb as I tried to get into the movie we were watching. She had me watching _I, Frankenstein_ which was a pointless movie. The plot was ridiculous and they could have done more to build the world and war up a bit more, but what could you do? At least this isn’t as bad as the movie _Turbo_ she had me watch last week. I am really not a big fan of the whole Disney, Pixar, and DreamWorks animation. I wish I could just curl up with a book instead and lie here next to her while she watches the movie, but that apparently is not fun and is rude. I think it’s a good compromise. Either way though, I’m going to do what she likes…even if it means I have to pretend I like the movies she picks.

The door opened and I turned to see Laura walking in looking extremely tired and worn out. She looked about ready to just pass out while standing.

“You alright?” I asked.

“Fine. Just tired.” She set her backpack down and kicked her shoes off.

“Did you want us to leave?” Catherine asked while lifting her head off my shoulder and letting go of my hand.

“No it’s fine. I’m just going to take a nap for a while before I go hang out with LaF and Perry.”

“Are you sure?” Catherine asked.

“Yup.” She climbed into her bed and turned her back to us while hugging her yellow pillow.

“If the movie gets too loud just let us know,” I said.

“Will do,” she answered.

Catherine rested her head back on my shoulder. I looked at Laura’s back. I hope she’s not working too hard. I mean it is still only the second week of classes. Then again she’s been running around from Journalism classes to Art classes then to volleyball and band meetings. I fear what she’s actually going to look like once volleyball and band season starts. She’s really going to be worn out plus she has a horrible diet. All she has in the fridge is peanut butter and grape soda not to mention the packet of cookies she keeps on her headboard. Maybe I should make her something to eat sometime or take her over to the café Will works at. I think the second option would be better. She’d be able to do her homework and eat a good meal especially if Will is there to make sure she does eat something other than their homemade cookies and drink something other than their hot chocolate. I’ll take her sometime.

“Carmilla?”

“Hmm…?” I looked down to the top of Catherine’s head.

“Would you like to go to the movies with me tomorrow night?”

“Of course. What are we going to watch?”

“I was thinking we’d watch _Pitch Perfect 2_.”

I didn’t know that dorky acapella movie had a sequel. “Alright that sounds good to me.”

“Great.” She nuzzled my neck and placed a soft kiss to it.

The things I do for her. She’s lucky I really like her. I kissed the top of her head and threaded our fingers together. I caressed the back of her hand with my thumb and settled back in to finish watching this ridiculous Frankenstein movie that she just rewinded because we got interrupted by Laura. I mentally sighed. This was only the beginning of our movie marathon date.

* * *

 

**_Laura_ **

I reached into my packet of cookies and came up empty. I looked at the packet and scowled at it. How dare I run out of cookies. I wish it was possible for the cookies to be refilled once they were all gone. I sighed and glared at my homework. There was no way I could get this discussion done if I didn’t even know where to start in the first place. I ran my fingers through my hair and sighed heavily. This sucks.

“I thought you might be here.”

I looked up to see her take the seat next to me while placing a packet of cookies next to me. “Hey Carmilla.”

She opened the packet of cookies and offered me one. “What are you working on?”

“The role of Frankenstein’s mother in the first few chapters.” She nodded her head and ate a cookie. “What are you doing here?”

She shrugged. “LaF texted me saying you were frying your brain again, so I stopped by your dorm and you weren’t there so I came here.” She waved her hand around. “My first time in the library actually.”

“You’ve been here a year and this is your first time in the library?”

“I get other people to get my books for me, or just order them off Amazon for cheap.”

“Of course you would.” I took another cookie and stared at my computer screen.

“You know I can show you another spot where you can do your homework that serves hot chocolate,” she said enticingly.

I stared at her. “Don’t you have to meet up with Catherine today?”

“She canceled on me because of an emergency with her theatre club.”

“So you came to me?”

She picked at her nail polish. “Well Danny is busy with her Summer Sisters, Kirsch is dragging Will around campus for a Zeta treasure hunt, the ginger twins are being an old married couple, and JP has class all day.”

“So I’m your last resort?”

“Well when you say it that way you make it sound bad.”

I scoffed. “Because it sort of is.”

She grabbed another cookie. “Well I did want to message you first, but remembered you like to leave your homework for the last minute.”

“I do not!”

She stared at me with a raised eyebrow. “Really creampuff?” She pointed at my blank computer screen.

I chewed my bottom lip and rolled my eyes. “Alright, but not all the time. We’re barely done with week two of school and I haven’t been that bad.” She hummed as an answer. I glared at her. “And what about you? Last I checked you hardly ever do your homework in the first place.”

“The best part of being a Philosophy major is that I don’t have homework, I have discussions.”

“And your Gender and Women’s Studies and Poetry classes?”

She smiled. “It doesn’t take me long to finish homework for those classes because it’s mostly based on your opinions backed with textual evidence and poetry is about thoughts and emotions.”

“Right.”

She picked up the packet of cookies. “Well I’m going to be heading out to this awesome place that serves really good hot chocolate.” She slung her backpack over one shoulder and began to walk away.   
“Could you at least leave the cookies?”

“Nope.” She turned to face me while taking a bite of the cookie in her hand with smug smirk on her face. “Cookies are only for those who listen to me.” I scowled at her. “That bunched up face you make when you’re angry is just hilarious buttercup.”

I sighed and began to pack my things. “Fine, but the hot chocolate better be the best damn thing.” I slung my backpack on and followed her.

“You won’t regret it.” I she handed me another cookie as soon as I caught up.

She’s so damn annoying.

* * *

 

**_Carmilla_ **

“The Anglerfish Café. Really didn’t have any other names to use huh?”

“Don’t knock it before you actually try it,” I countered.

I pulled into the parking lot and grabbed a spot close to the entrance. “Right. Sounds like a seafood place than a place that serves hot chocolate,” she said bitterly.

“Again, try it before you knock it.” I locked the doors to my car and held my hand out to her. “Come on you big baby.”

She slipped her hand into mine and pouted. “Don’t be a jerk.”

“Then don’t be a grouch.” I pulled her over to the entrance and held the door open for her.

“Thank you.” She walked into the little café and I followed behind her.

She stood at the entrance and looked around with wide eyes. “Wow.”

I smirked and leaned in to whisper in her ear. “I told you.”

She smiled and shrugged. “Fine, so it looks better than what the name suggests. I like the little stage setup they have going on in the back.”

“Yeah. People go up to sing songs they have written or feel like singing their own version of a song, other people recite poetry, a few do standup comedy, and others do a bunch of other things, but it’s open to anyone who is brave enough to go up there.”

She nodded. “Right. Have you ever gone up there?”

“No. I’m too good to go up there.”

“Someone is cocky,” she teased.

“And someone needs some food before they get grumpy again,” I said steering the conversation in another direction.

“I’m only here for the hot chocolate and the cookies you took away from me.”

“And you will get both after you’ve got some real food in your stomach.” I tugged on her hand and lead her to a table that was between the counter top of the café and the stage, but right next to the windows.

She grumbled incoherently and begrudgingly sat down. I took the seat across from her and handed her a menu. “I’m not really hungry you know.”

I shrugged. “I promised LaF I would make sure you eat.” Plus I have to make sure you eat for my own sanity.

She sighed. “Fine. What’s good?”

“Well shorty pretty much everything is good here.”

I looked to Will and frowned. “I thought you were busy with that treasure hunt thing?”

“I got called in to cover for a no-show.” He moved over to Laura and she stood up. “Good to see you again squirt.” He pulled her into a tight hug.

“It’s good to see you too. I haven’t seen you since the party.” She hugged him tight and kissed his cheek. “Now that I’m sober I have to say you look good.”

“Same to you.” He smiled and kissed her cheek. “You enjoying school so far?”

She sat down and he took the seat next to her. “Yes. Just getting tired from my classes as well as my extracurricular activities.”

“Are we talking about women or volleyball and band?” Will said giving her a knowing smirk.

She shrugged and smiled. “Is there a difference?”

He laughed. “Well not really since it all tires you out.”

I tapped my fingers against the table top as I watched them. “Well anyway. How are things with you?”

“Going great. Being a Zeta is fun and everything plus my classes are great.”

“What are you studying?”

“Engineering. It’s killer, but still great.”

“I bet.” She glanced over at me. “So what should I get here?”

He stood up and took his pen out of his apron pocket. “I would recommend the cheeseburger and fries if that’s still one of your favorites.”

“Alright I’ll take that then with a hot chocolate.”

“Alright. Kitty?”

I rolled my eyes at him. “How many times must I tell you not to call me that?” I grumbled.

“You’re the one that works at a bar called The Black Cat,” he retorted.

I sighed. “I’ll just get an order of fries.”

“Alright then. That’ll be out in a bit.” He walked away.

“It’s good to see him. He looks happier.” I hummed in response. “Are you happy?”

I looked up to meet her soft gaze. “I am.” More so now that you’re back in my life.

She nodded her head. “That’s good.”

I tapped my fingers against the table top. “Are you?”

“What?”

“Are you happy?”

She stared at me and bit her bottom lip before looking away toward the window. “I’m still getting there.” She glanced back at me then began to pull out her laptop and Frankenstein book.

I watched her boot up her laptop and take out her notebook. My heart hurt from her answer. I hope she can be happy soon.

* * *

 

**_Laura_ **

I sent in my discussion paper and leaned back in my chair. Finally I was done with this torture. I looked over to see Carmilla leaning her back against the window and her legs stretched out onto the seat next to hers. I watched as she mouthed the words she was reading and turned the page. I focused on how calm and at ease she was sitting there. I leaned my chin into the palm of my hand and kept watching her read. It was oddly calming. She smiled at her book then turned to the next page. I bit down on my bottom lip to keep from smiling. She was cute when she read.

“Sup losers!”

I looked up to see Kirsch walking in with Danny right behind him. “Hey Kirsch. How did the treasure hunt go?”

“It was awesome.” He sat down next to me.

“It would have ended earlier of these brainless knuckleheads knew how to read a map,” Danny complained as she shoved Carmilla’s legs off the chair and sat down across from Kirsch.

“Hey, that map was hard to read ok,” he defended.

“Really? We even had the art geeks make the map for us since you complained when my sisters and I made the map last year.”

“It was hard to read last year too.”

“Oh my god you Zeta morons are ridiculous!”

“Alright calm down you two!” I called out.

They settled into their seats and crossed their arms over their chests like a couple of toddlers. “Well that was entertaining,” Carmilla said sarcastically.

“Not helping,” I chided.

She shrugged and placed her book on the table. “Well looks like you were able to get them to stop fighting.” I looked up to see LaF pulling a chair over to the table. “We couldn’t get them to stop the entire drive over here to the point that I needed to calm Perry down before she went on a cleaning spree in here.”

“Well this place could use a good cleaning,” Carmilla said.

“Again not helping,” I said. She leaned her cheek into the palm of her hand.

LaF pulled a second chair over to the table. “Well anyway. Thanks for making sure Laura ate some actual food. Perry was beginning to stress bake.”

“Sure thing Ginger Two,” Carmilla answered.

I rolled my eyes. “I can take care of myself you know.” They all looked at me. I shrunk under their collective gaze. “Well I can.”

“I’ll believe it when I see it Hollis,” Danny said.

I huffed. “Whatever.” I grabbed my hot chocolate and took a sip from it.

“So the Zetas are going to throw a party this weekend. You all in?”

“Not another frat party,” Danny groaned.

“I’m in,” I said.

“Sorry have plans with Perry,” LaF said.

“Catherine has something planned as well,” Carmilla added.

“You party poopers,” Kirsch whined.

“Yeah yeah,” Danny mocked.

Will came over and spread out sodas to everyone. “What are we talking about?”

“Zeta party bro,” Kirsch answered while peeling the paper from his straw.

“Alright. Who’s going?”

“Just me,” I said as I peeled the paper from my straw and threw it at Carmilla’s forehead. She scrunched up her nose and glared at me. She threw the paper from her straw at me and it hit my nose. She smirked. I stuck my tongue out at her.

“Well if the rest of you change your mind you know where to find us,” Will said as he put his hands on his hips and shared a look with Kirsch.

“Right, so hey I have a bright idea,” Kirsch said.

“Oh no,” Danny groaned.

Kirsch flicked her off then looked to me and Carmilla. “For old time’s sake I think we should play a song on stage.”

I raised my eyebrow at him. “You do know I don’t play anymore right?” I asked.

He shrugged. “Come on. Just this once,” he begged.

I shook my head. “Kirsch I’m serious. No.”

He pouted. “Come on Laura. For me. I haven’t seen you in forever and would love to play with you again,” Will begged.

I stared at his puppy dog eyes coupled with Kirsch’s. I looked away and ran my fingers through my hair. “If Carmilla agrees then maybe.”

They turned their eyes to Carmilla. She glared at them. “No chance in hell twerps.”

“Please! Don’t make me get on my knees,” Will said. “Please. Please. Please.” He moved over to her and wrapped his arms around her. “Pllllleeeeaaasse.”

She huffed and rolled her eyes. “Alright. Now let me go.”

“Yes!” He shouted. He untied his apron and threw it onto our table. “To the stage!” He called. Kirsch jumped out of his chair and quickly followed.

“You couldn’t stick with no could you,” I said while trying to keep the unease out of my voice.

She shrugged. “It was either that or they get on their knees and follow me around until I say yes.”

I sighed and scratched my head. “After you then.”

She got up from her chair and went over to the stage. I followed behind her while trying my best to keep my hands from shaking so much. Get it together Laura. You played while you traveled. This should be easy. I got on the stage and grabbed the guitar as Kirsch and Will were huddled together whispering to one another. You can do this. It’s just your friends. You’ve played in front of your friends before…three or so years ago. I pulled the guitar strap over my shoulder and strummed the strings. Just pretend your friends are not here. Just pretend your friends are not here.

“Carmilla you’ll need a violin,” Will said as he sat down behind the drum set.

She stared at him. “Seriously?”

“Yeah.”

She rolled her eyes and finished lowering the mic before going over to the side of the stage to look through the other instruments placed there. I grabbed onto my mic and lowered it as well. Deep breaths. Deep breaths. You can do this. I stretched my fingers out wide and shook them. Got to get rid of these nerves. I looked over to see Carmilla hop back onto the small stage while plugging the electric violin in. She moved over to the mic and I looked away from her. I glanced at Will and Kirsch. Will smiled happily while Kirsch looked at me nervously. He nodded his head and I nodded back. I can do this.

“Alright you two why do I need a violin?” Carmilla asked.

“You’ll see,” Will said while winking.

She rolled her eyes and looked out to the rest of the café. I followed her gaze and took a deep calming breath. I found the table where our friends sat and had to look away. Danny, LaF, and Perry were looking at me worriedly. I shook my hands out again. I can do this. I searched the crowd of people sitting in tables near the little stage and found a girl staring directly at me. I smirked at her and nodded my head. She smiled and blushed. Alright. I’ll play directly to her. Kirsch began followed by Will and my heart sunk. Damn those two. I glanced over at Carmilla who looked like she saw a ghost. She shook her head and grabbed the mic. Will and Kirsch started from the top again and I joined in. Alright besides the horrible song choice, at least I’m not messing up.

“There’s a place off Ocean Avenue where I used to sit and talk with you. We were both sixteen and it felt so right, sleeping all day, staying up all night. Staying up all night,” Carmilla sang. She tapped her violin against her thigh as she sang into the mic. I wanted to play to the girl in the crowd, but watching Carmilla was more interesting.

“If I could find you now things would get better. We could leave this town and run forever. Let your waves crash down on me and take me away,” I joined in as she played her violin.

“There’s a piece of you that’s here with me. It’s everywhere I go, it’s everything I see,” she sang while keeping her eyes on me.

“When I sleep, I dream and it gets me by. I can make believe that you’re here tonight,” I sang to her.

* * *

 

**_Catherine_ **

I walked into the café and looked toward the stage to see Carmilla, Laura, Will, and Kirsch playing. Carmilla and Laura were staring at each other as they sang and played. I moved over to the side so I wouldn’t get hit by the door as another person just shoved past me to get in. Laura moved away from her mic to stand right in front of Carmilla. She started to do little hops as she played her solo and Carmilla began to mimic her. Carmilla smiled widely at Laura as she jumped around. Laura turned her back to Carmilla and leaned into her. Carmilla put her free hand on Laura’s waist as she leaned in to her mic.

“I remember the look in your eyes. When I told you that this was goodbye. You were begging me not tonight, not here, not now,” she sang as I watched her fingers tap against Laura’s waist.

“We’re looking up at the same night sky and keep pretending the sun will not rise. Be together for one more night somewhere, somehow,” Laura sang.

Carmilla let go of her waist as Laura quickly turned to face her. They both adjusted themselves to lean in to sing into the mic, but still sing to each other. I bit my lip and gripped the edge of the table I was standing by. I think I’m going to be sick. I looked away from the both of them and the ridiculously goofy smile Carmilla was giving Laura. This is ridiculous. Calm down. They’re just friends. Carmilla would have told me if there had been something more between them. She wouldn’t lie to me. She wouldn’t lie to me, but she would keep things from me. She’s been keeping her past hidden from me and won’t tell me anything. She won’t tell me about her scars or about her family besides Will and her grandparents. She’s a closed book that won’t open for me.

I looked up to see them making their way to their table. Will was hugging Laura tightly and Kirsch was looking like he avoided a disaster. I wonder why. I moved away from the table and walked over to where they were sitting. Carmilla took her seat and was laughing with everyone. I snuck up behind her and wrapped my arms around her. Her hand went up to grab my arm.

“Hey,” I said as I moved to kiss her cheek.

“Hey. Did you finish your stuff for theatre club?”

“I did.”

Her smile gradually slid off her face as she moved her chair closer to the window and away from the table a bit more. “Come here.” She opened her arms and I sat in her lap letting her wrap her arms around my waist. All I could think of was her touching Laura’s waist. I tapped my fingers against her arms as I itched to have her let go of me while at the same time wanting to fall into her embrace comfortably. Wanting her to make me feel safe. To make me feel like nothing could come between us right now. Like she loved me.

“Are you alright?”

I looked at her worried face and kissed her lips gently. If I just pretend I don’t see anything then nothing will be wrong. If I don’t read into it too much then nothing is there. I pulled away from the kiss. “I’m fine. Just tired.”

“You want to head out then and get some sleep?”

I nuzzled her neck. She was warm from having been jumping around on stage and playing her violin. “That’d be good.” I got up from her lap and took her hand.

She let go of my hand to grab her backpack and stuff her book in it. She took a packet of cookies out of her backpack and placed it on the table in front of Laura. “Don’t eat all of these at once,” she told her.

“I won’t,” Laura answered as she took a cookie.

Carmilla took my hand. My skin crawled from the contact. “I’ll see you all some other time,” Carmilla said as she waved to everyone.

“Bye everyone,” I said.

Carmilla threaded her fingers through mine. She caressed the back of my hand with her thumb as we walked out of the café. If she didn’t care about me she wouldn’t put in the effort to do these little things for me would she? I looked at her and she had that faraway look that she sometimes gets when she’s thinking about something she is never going to tell me about. I tugged on her hand a bit to bring her back down to earth. She blinked and glanced at me. A small smile crossed her face.

“I disappeared again didn’t I?”

“Yes.”

She shook her head and chuckled. “Thanks for bringing me back down.”

I leaned over and kissed her cheek. “Always.”

She pulled our joined hands up to her lips and turned them over in order to kiss the back of my hand. “Thanks.”

I smiled and bumped her shoulder. I’m reading too much into her and Laura’s relationship. There’s probably nothing there and even if there was more to it than just having been friends, I don’t want to care. I don’t want this uneasy feeling to get in the way of my relationship with Carmilla. At the end of the day all I need to know is that I’m the one who can bring her back down to earth and that’s what’s important. I’m her anchor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can follow musictomyearshsau.tumblr.com for updates, to ask questions, and other stuff.


	7. New Friend

**_Catherine_ **

I smoothed the cloth on the table out again for the hundredth time already. I looked down at my phone and pulled out a match to light the candles on top of the table and then moved to light the ones surrounding the table that were placed on the ground. Luckily the wind wasn’t so bad tonight. I snuffed out the match and looked down at my phone again. Alright she’ll be here any moment now. I folded my hands behind my back and stood by the table. I chewed on my bottom lip as I looked at the door. Any second now. I took a deep calming breath and tried to settle my nerves. This is the first time I do this for someone and while that makes me nervous, being up on the roof is what’s really torturous right now. I really dislike heights. I just have to not get close to the edge and look down. That’s all I have to do. Just avoid doing that and I’ll be perfectly fine.

The door opened slowly. I looked over to it to see Carmilla step out onto the roof slowly. Her eyes wandered around the area seeing the candles and the table. She was wearing her black leather pants with a black lacy top. Her hair was in perfect curls framing her face. She was remarkably beautiful under the moonlight. She walked toward me and stepped into the light of the candles. The shadows and light they cast on her skin gave it an eerie translucent feel to her. It made her seem like the best dream that anyone could ever have. My breath got caught in my throat.

“You did all of this?” Her fingers pressed against the table as she stood before me and looked around.

I cleared my throat. “Yes.”

She took a step closer to me and placed a hand on my waist. “You’re shaking.”

I squeezed my fingers together tightly behind my back. “We’re on a roof.”

She stepped even closer and placed her other hand on my waist. “Which makes me wonder why you would do this if you’re afraid of heights,” her voice deepened as she moved even closer until our bodies pressed against one another.

I moved my hands to grasp her shoulders. “I wanted to apologize for the lake trip. I should have asked you before surprising you like that. If I would have known how terrified you were of lakes in general I would have taken us somewhere else. I’m sorry.”

She pressed her forehead to mine. “I should have told you I hate water in general, so that event was partially my fault.”

I shook my head and pulled back. “You don’t get to apologize for my mistake.” I slipped my hand to the back of her neck and caressed it. “It was my fault and I’m sorry for it.” She frowned slightly and I pulled her close by her neck and kissed her lips tenderly. My nerves were slowly slipping away. “I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.”

She nodded her head. “I should let you know my fear of drowning extends to baths.”

I nuzzled her nose. “Is that why you never want to take a bath with me?”

She hummed and pressed a soft kiss to my lips. “Exactly.”

“Alright then. Showers only.” I pulled away and moved to one of the chairs. I pulled it out. “After you.”

She moved over and sat down in the seat. “So there is more to this than kissing and candles.”

I sat down across from her. “There is. It’s a full dinner.”

She smirked. “I can’t wait to see what you made.”

I smiled shyly. “I just hope you like what I made.”

“I always like what you make.”

I blushed and one of my friends from the theatre club came over with the food. He set the plates down on the table to reveal the chicken alfredo pasta I had made earlier. Another one of my friends came over with champagne glasses and filled our glasses setting them in front of us. Carmilla raised her eyebrow up at me and I smiled taking my glass of champagne. I took a sip from it as I watched her take a bite out of the food. The satisfactory moan she let out was answer enough to whether or not it was good. I set my champagne glass down and took a bite myself. This went better than expected.

* * *

 

**_Laura_ **

I quietly snuck out of the girl’s room while holding my shoes and shirt in my hand. I closed the door as quietly as possible holding my breath until I heard the soft click of the door. I sighed and moved away from the door. I walked down the hall barefoot and topless. I got to the elevator and pressed the down arrow. I slipped my shirt on as I waited for the elevator to come up and get me. The doors dinged open and I stepped into it. Thankfully no one was in the elevator. I have no problem with people knowing I had just walked away from a one night stand; it was another to have them see me without shoes on while I do it or a shirt for that matter. I slipped my shoes on and pulled my phone out. Catherine asked for the room tonight, so I had limited options for whom to stay with tonight. I scrolled through my phone to check to see if anyone answered my texts to sleep in their room tonight. I should have just slept over in this girl’s bed until later this morning, but I can’t stand staying longer than necessary with a girl I used to forget the things I was feeling.

The elevator got to the first floor and I walked out into the lobby of the dorm. I walked out the doors and tucked my hands into the pockets of my jeans. It wasn’t this cold earlier. Plus as my luck has proven to run out tonight, no one was able to put me up for the night. Not even Danny who gave me a key to show up whenever. She said her boyfriend’s sister was visiting for a bit and was using the spare room. LaF was staying in Perry’s room tonight and JP had his own hookup going on right now. I walked toward my dorm then stopped and made my way to the main gate. I could probably hangout at The Black Cat until it closes then move over to The Anglerfish Café that surprisingly is open 24/7. I don’t think they’ll mind if I take over a booth for a couple of hours until Catherine texts me to say the close was clear and I was able to go back to our room. I just wish I had a book or even my headphones right now to pass the time.

I shivered from the cold and ducked my head down against the wind. I should have brought a jacket if I had known this was going to happen. I looked around me to make sure I was still completely alone. Good. Last thing I need on top of this is to be robbed for the whole four dollars in my wallet.

“Laura?”

I snapped my head up and looked around. I squinted a bit into the night toward one of the trees on the quad. A form stepped out of the shadows and I sighed in relief. “Hey Klara. What are you doing out so late?”

“I could ask you the same thing.” She walked over to me with her heels in her hands. “Though if the rumors are true I know exactly what you were doing,” she said teasingly.

I shrugged then shifted from one foot to the other. “Well either you’re coming back from the same party or you’re also in the same position as me.”

She ran her fingers through her hair. “Same situation as you. I was just heading back to my dorm that you just left.”

“Right. Well I’ll see you in class on Tuesday.” I started walking toward the main gate again.

“You do know your dorm is that way right?” She pointed to the right of me.

“Yes, but my roommate called it for tonight.”

“Oh. Do you have anywhere to stay tonight?” She hugged herself as the wind picked up a bit.

“Nope. I was going to just swing by The Black Cat then The Anglerfish Café.”

She walked over to me and grabbed me by the crook of my elbow. “Come on. You can sleep in my room.” I quirked an eyebrow up at her. She rolled her eyes. “Not everyone is into you in that way Laura. Now come on.”

“Somehow I don’t believe you.” I let her drag me back to the dorm I just slipped out of.

“Yes well you’ll believe me when I have you sleep on the floor.”

“Wow. Do I at least get a blanket and pillow?” I asked sarcastically.

“If you behave,” she teased. She linked her arm through mine. “So why didn’t you just sleep over at your hookup’s place until morning?”

I leaned in closer to her to leech some body heat off her. “I didn’t feel comfortable doing so.”

“Why not?”

“I just didn’t want to.” I looked down at the ground and cleared my throat to try to keep my emotions at bay.

“Alright. Well we’ll have to sneak you out again in the morning. I don’t want people thinking we slept together.”

I smirked. “Well it wouldn’t be that bad really.”

“No offense Laura, but no.”

I laughed. “You’re the first woman to tell me no.”

She smiled. “Like I said; not everyone is into you.” I nodded. “Plus I think you could use a friend right now.”

“So we’re friends now?”

She looked at me and ran her thumb under my eye. I didn’t realize I was crying. “Only if you want to be, but let’s get you to my room. I don’t think you want anyone seeing you like this.”

I nodded my head. “Thanks.”

She led me to her dorm as I kept my gaze focused on the ground. I chewed on my bottom lip and tried to keep myself from letting anymore tears out, but they were falling against my will. We got into her dorm and stepped into the elevator. I slid my hands out of my pockets and wiped the tears from my eyes. I shouldn’t be crying. These emotions should have been handled when I poured them out into the girl from earlier. Why is this happening? Klara pulled me out of the elevator and quickly over to her room. It was beginning to get harder to breathe. She pushed her door open and dragged me inside. She pulled me over to her bed and sat me down. She sat down next to me and pulled me into a hug. Fuck. This was not supposed to happen. I wasn’t supposed to feel any of the jealousy and pain. I was not supposed to feel how much in love I am. I was not supposed to feel anything. Damn it. She’s with Catherine and I’m over here breaking all over again. Why can’t I forget it all? Everything would be better if I did.

* * *

 

**_Will_ **

I looked up to see Laura stumble in wearing the same clothes she had on from last night. I looked down at my watch and frowned. It was already one in the afternoon. I doubt she slept over at that girl’s room for that long. I moved out from behind the counter as she sat down at a table next to the windows. She put her face in her hands. She seemed to be worn out, but not in the good way. I silently walked over to her then dragged the chair opposite from her out and sat down. She kept her face in her hands as I sat there staring at her. Eventually she moved her hands and leaned her cheek into the palm of her hand. She stared at the table and traced circles on top of it with her free hand.

“What’s good for breakfast?”

“Pancakes with bacon.”

“I’ll have that then.”

I reached across the table and put my hand on top of hers. “What happened last night?”

She moved her hand out from under mine. She flipped my hand over and started tracing circles into the palm of my hand. “Nothing. Things just didn’t go as planned after I hooked up with that girl from the party.”

“What do you mean?”

She stared down at my hand as she kept tracing circles in it. “Nothing really.” She moved her hand away to rest on her lap. She looked up and out the window. “In other news I had to stay overnight at a classmate’s place since everyone else was busy.”

I kept my hand where it was and turned it over. “Well you could have stayed at my place. I have a separate apartment off campus.”

She looked at me and I felt my heart squeeze at the emptiness within her eyes. “I don’t have your number and I didn’t know you had an apartment. I thought you lived in the Zeta house.”

I shrugged. “I do. I just have my apartment for just in case. Besides, Carmilla gave it to me.”

“She bought you an apartment?”

“She inherited it along with some other property around here and France.”

She slid her hand to the back of her neck and rubbed it. “Right.”

I moved my hand and reached into my pocket. I pulled out my set of keys and unclipped the spare I had made. I slid it across the table at her. “I hardly use it, so if you ever need to get away or need a place to crash you can always use my apartment.”

She stared at the key for a long time before reaching out to grasp it in her hand. “Are you sure?”

“Yes.” I stood up and moved over to her. I wrapped my arms tightly around her and kissed the top of her head. “I’ll give you my number as well, so you can text me if you need something. I won’t promise I’ll always be there to help you out, but I promise I’ll be there whenever I can.”

She gripped my forearm. “That’s better than nothing.”

I kissed the top of her head again. “I’ll be back with your pancakes.”

She nodded. “Can I head over to your place once I’m done?” She asked as I let her go.

“Of course. Feel free to raid my closet for clothes as well.”

“Thanks.”

I wrote down her order on a ticket then walked back behind the counter to leave it for the kitchen. I turned and leaned against the counter as I watched her stare out the window. She went back to tracing circles on the table top as she stared out at the afternoon sun and the few people who were not suffering from hangovers at the moment. She looked weighed down and small as she sat there. She still had some air of strength to her, but the sadness was overbearing. It looked as if a part of her broke between the moments I saw her walk into the Zeta house for the party till now. I wished there was more I could do for her. I wished things were different all around to be honest. Things seemed to be simpler when we were teenagers. I guess that’s a part of growing up. Things aren’t easy and you realize they never were.

* * *

 

**_Laura_ **

I turned the music up a bit louder in the studio and danced around. _Yah, you never said a word. You didn’t send me no letter. Don’t think I could forgive you. See our world is slowly dying. I’m not wasting no more time. Don’t think I could believe you._ I moved over to the table where my paints sat and began to mix some of the colors. I sang along to the lyrics and moved over to my canvas with my palette and paintbrush in hand. I switched the paintbrush in my hand out for the one tucked behind my ear. I leaned in close to the canvas to get the smaller details of my painting. I pulled back and switched out my brushes again.

“You know you can’t keep hiding in here.”

“I’m not hiding.” I finished my brush stroke then turned to look at Klara.

“Really because from what I’m seeing it looks like you haven’t gone back to your dorm to get a change of clothes.”

I looked down at my clothes. I had on the blue jeans I wore to the party along with the red flannel and black spaghetti strap shirt. I put my paint stuff down and slipped my flannel off. “There. Better?”

She shook her head and crossed her arms over her chest. “What are you hiding from?”

“I’m not hiding from anything.”

“You missed class today and I’m sure that you skipped your classes yesterday as well.”

I shrugged. “I just need some time to myself which you are ruining by being here.”

“Right.” She walked over to me and put her hands on my shoulders. “There’s something eating you up and you need to deal with it before it becomes an issue.”

I rolled my eyes. “I have a perfect handle on it.”

She let go of my shoulders and looked me up and down. “Clearly.”

I sighed and turned away from her. “What did you want anyway? Last time I checked we aren’t friends.”

“Well if you stop being an ass maybe we could be.”

“I have friends,” I grumbled.

“Then why am I here and not them?”

I turned to look at her. She had her eyebrow quirked and a no nonsense look in her eyes. I looked away. “They don’t exactly know.”

“Is that because they know why you’re hiding out right now and you don’t want to talk about it with them?”

“Something like that.” I looked at my painting and picked up my palette and paintbrush. I went back to finishing it up.

“I had a pretty bad break-up a while ago. I had been with this girl for about two years. We even moved in together.” I gripped my paintbrush a bit tighter. “One day I come back home to our apartment and she was gone. Her stuff was gone and she wasn’t answering her phone.” I pulled away from my canvas before I messed something up. “The only thing I had was a note from her that said ‘I’m sorry’ that I found on our bed.” Her hand touched mine and took the paintbrush from it and her other hand took my palette. “I haven’t heard from her since and I still don’t know why she left me. All I know is that I have this hole in my heart where pain, sadness, and anger lives at the same time that love, devotion, and forgiveness do. I’m pissed off that she left me that way, but I would take her back if she asked me to because I love her that much more than I hate her.” She wrapped her arms around my waist and rested her chin on my shoulder. “So you see I may understand more of what you’re feeling right now than you want to believe because I’ve been where you’re at and am still there a bit.” She let go of me and moved to stand in front of me. Her thumbs wiped away the tears streaming down my face. “You don’t have to tell me the specifics, but I am here if you just need someone to cry in front of. I am here to be your friend if you want me to be.” She put her hands on my shoulders. “You don’t always have to hold everything in.”

I sniffled. I leaned into her and pressed my forehead against her shoulder. “Okay.”

She wrapped her arms around me again and ran her fingers through my hair. I cried into her shoulder and just let her hold me. Maybe I should start making new friends or well at least just be friends with Klara. Start out new. Be who I am without people reminding me of things I have done in the past. Be able to break down without people freaking out. I slid my arms up her back and gripped her shirt tightly. I just need someone to be there for me. Someone who won’t ask too many questions or look at me like they know exactly what I’m feeling when they don’t or who try to tell me how I feel. I need someone who is only my friend and knows nothing about my past.

* * *

 

**_Carmilla_ **

I followed Catherine to her room. I wonder if Laura finally showed up. She hasn’t been answering anyone’s texts these past three days and no one seems to know where she has gone. I even asked Will if she happened to stop by the café and he just shrugged and said he didn’t know and to just leave Laura alone. Catherine opened the door to her room and I peeked over her shoulder. Laura was sitting on her bed resting her head on some girl’s shoulder. Really? She disappears for three damn days and comes back to the room with one of her damn hookups. You have got to be fucking kidding me. I balled my hands into fists. This is fucking ridiculous. I was worried and this whole time she’s just been out fucking some random girl. I unclenched my fists and stretched my fingers out to loosen them. It’s none of my business.

“Sorry Laura. I didn’t see the rubber band on the door, so I didn’t think you would have company,” Catherine apologized.

“A rubber band? Really Laura?” The random girl said.

Laura sat up and shrugged. “It was the only thing our floor don Perry wouldn’t take off our door knob. Plus it’s so hard to communicate through texts.”

“Obviously. Though I am curious what other objects you tried.”

Catherine set her backpack down by the side of her bed. “We tried a red ribbon, a pillow that said occupied on it, a little laminated stop sign that we taped to the door, a do not disturb sign I took from a hotel once,” Catherine began to answer.

“Then there was the scarf, the headband, the sock,” Laura continued.

“And then the necklace I won from a gum machine,” Catherine said.

“So then we just found a rubber band on the floor and put it on the door knob and surprisingly enough Perry didn’t take it, so we just made that our system,” Laura finished.

“Wow your floor don sounds intense,” the girl said.

“She can be, but she means well,” Laura defended.

“In any case. I’m sorry to interrupt your quality time,” Catherine said while getting up. Finally. I need to get out of here.

“It’s cool. Klara here is just a friend of mine from art class. We were going to watch a movie if you want to stay,” Laura said.

“Oh. Then don’t mind if we do. We were going to watch a movie as well,” Catherine answered. She moved over to the shared desk and picked up her laptop. I would rather leave and go to my place than be here. “Carmilla do you have your headphones on you? I haven’t been able to find mine.”

I took in a calming breath and tried to sound normal. “Yes I do. Let me just get them out of my bag.” I sat down on her bed and riffled through my backpack for my headphones. I pulled them out from the bottom of my bag. “Here you go.” I handed them over to Catherine.

“Thank you.” She plugged them into her laptop and shuffled back until her back was pressed against the wall. I climbed in next to her and took the ear bud she handed me. She searched through Netflix real quick and pulled up _Lilo and Stitch_.

I glanced over to Laura and Klara and saw them sharing a pair of headphones as well. Laura rested her head back down onto Klara’s shoulder and stared at the computer screen watching whatever movie they had playing. I glanced down at Catherine’s computer and tried to get into the movie as my skin crawled with anger. After a while I glanced at them again. Klara had her hand on Laura’s thigh with her palm facing up as Laura traced circles into it with her fingers. That was too intimate for them to just “be friends.” There must be more there even though Laura has done everything to be clear that she doesn’t want to be with anyone. I looked up from their hands and met Klara’s gaze. She raised her eyebrow up at me questioning then flicked her gaze back down to the computer screen. I just got caught staring. Great.

I looked down at Catherine’s computer and did my best to focus on the movie. She slid her fingers down my arm until she got to my hand. She threaded our fingers together and rested her head on my shoulder. I caressed the back of her hand with my thumb. Hopefully that helps to calm me down a bit. I’m not exactly sure what is pissing me off more right now. The fact Laura ignored my messages and calls or the fact she comes back with this Klara and acts like everything is alright. I gripped the bed sheet with my free hand as subtly as possible. I shouldn’t let this bother me so much. I can’t let it bother me so much. I unclenched the bed sheet and relaxed against the wall. I rested my cheek against the top of Catherine’s head. I will not let it bother me.

 

 

 

 

 

“Alright Laura I need to get some food or I will not be able to get through this next movie.” I glanced up from the computer screen to see Klara stretching out her back.

“Same.” Laura slid off her bed and stood up. She stretched her arms above her head and her shirt lifted up a bit to reveal a sliver of her lower stomach. I glanced back down at the computer screen. “Where should we go?” Laura asked lowering her voice to a whisper. I looked up to see her eyeing Catherine who had fallen asleep not long ago.

“Let’s head to The Anglerfish. It’s the only thing opened at this time anyway.” Klara moved to the edge of Laura’s bed and began to slip her shoes on.

“Sounds good. Did you want anything Carmilla?” Laura asked.

I shook my head. “No. I think I’m just going to tuck Catherine in then head back to my place.”

“Alright then. If you change your mind you know where we’ll be.” She slipped her ballet flats on. Klara stood up and took her hand then led her out the door. “See you Carmilla,” she called back.

“See ya Laura.”

I waited for the door to close before closing Catherine’s laptop and setting it to the side. I slipped out from under her and cradled her head in my hand as I gently guided it down to the pillow. I moved the laptop over to the shared desk then went back over to her. I pulled the covers out from under her and pulled them up over her body. I tucked the ends into her body then bent down to press a soft kiss to her forehead. I slipped my boots back on and grabbed my backpack. I walked out of the room making sure to close the door as quietly as possible. I let out a deep sigh as I stood in the hallway then moved to make my way to the elevator.

“You know you need to be more careful.”

I glanced up from the floor to stare at Klara who was leaning against the wall by the door. “Shouldn’t you be with Laura right now?”

“Told her I forgot my wallet in her room.”

I gripped the strap of my backpack tighter. “Then you better not keep her waiting.” I moved pass her.

“I can only guess what happened between you and Laura, but I’m going to give you some advice.” She walked up behind me as I had stopped in the middle of the hallway. “You better figure out what you really want before more than one person gets hurt and stick to your decision,” she whispered into my ear. She stepped around me and made her way to the elevator. She gave me a warning glare before the elevator doors closed.

The stairs sound good to me. I moved over to the staircase and started to slowly climb down them. I’m not even going to think about what she said. I made my decision a long time ago and I am sticking to it, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it especially now that Laura is right here in front of me. I just have to deal with it and push everything down. I won’t let it get to me so much. Laura has every right to do what she likes with whoever she likes. I just have to deal with that fact, but this Klara girl is really going to get on my damn nerves.

* * *

 

**_Laura_ **

We sat at the table and I stared out the window. “So what’s the deal between you and Carmilla?”

I looked away from the window to stare at her as she drank her soda. “What do you mean?”

She shrugged. “It just seems like there’s something there.”

I drank my soda and began to trace circles onto the table top. “We were friends in high school and then she moved here to Austria after sophomore year was over.”

“That’s all?”

I looked down at the table. “That’s all I’m going to say on the matter.”

“Alright then.”

I looked at her and watched her slide her hand palm up across the table. She wiggled her fingers up at me beckoning for my hand. I placed my hand on top of hers then started to trace circles into the palm of her hand. She drank her soda and started to play on her phone. I kept tracing circles on her hand to calm down and work the stress and everything else out. It was a habit that seemed to work best for me whenever I was feeling too much at once. It was simple and mindless. Not much thinking going into it. I like not thinking especially since all I can keep thinking about right now was how Carmilla kept glaring at Klara this entire night whenever she thought I wasn’t paying attention. I definitely do not want to think about what was going through her head. I don’t want to go there. I sighed and laid my head down on the table. Klara looked over at me and I shrugged.

She sighed and rolled her eyes. “Get out of your head girl and don’t fall asleep. We have food to eat.”

I smiled for the first time in three days. “Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For putting up with me.”

“Say that again when we’ve been friends for a longer time.”

“I will. I promise.”

“I’ll hold you to that.” She smiled and wiggled her fingers against the palm of my hand. I rolled my eyes.

I smiled even wider and sat back up. Things may get easier…hopefully.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Follow musictomyearshsau.tumblr.com for stuff.


	8. Think About It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because sometimes I like to spoil (torture) you all.

**_Laura_ **

“Alright so who’s the uh…um…study buddy?” LaF asked.

I looked at them weirdly. “Study buddy? Really?”

They shrugged. “Not comfortable with saying fuck-buddies alright.”

I shook my head. “Fair enough. She’s not a ‘study buddy.’ She’s a friend.”

“Just a friend?” Danny asked as she sat down with our sodas followed by Kirsch and then Perry with a basket of fries.

“Yes. Just a friend.”

“Nothing else?” LaF asked.

“No. Nothing else.”

“You are in no way sexually attracted to her?”

“No.”

“Because she is attractive.”

I sighed and looked over to where Klara was playing pool with JP. She had straight mid-back length deep brown hair and was wearing a red beanie. She had a pair of dark blue skinny jeans on that hugged her curves nicely showing off her hour glass figure. She was wearing a dark grey tank top and a black flannel shirt. To top it off she had on her black-rimmed glasses because she didn’t feel like putting her contacts on today. She was sexy yet cute at the same time. If I was actually interested she would make for a good one-night stand, but she doesn’t appeal to me in that way.

“I agree she is attractive, but I don’t see her as someone I want to have sex with which is odd because she would be someone I would want to have sex with.” I grabbed a fry out of the basket and dipped it in ketchup before eating it.

“Wow, so you can make friends who are girls and not want to have sex with them,” LaF said.

I rolled my eyes. “You make it seem like it’s impossible.”

“I was starting to think so.”

I looked around the table and stared at everyone in disbelief. “Do you all feel the same?” They all looked away from me. “Wow. You all make me feel right at home,” I said sarcastically. I grabbed my soda and another fry and walked away from the table to go hang out with JP and Klara.

Klara looked up after missing her shot and looked at me confused. I shook my head and drank my soda. She wrapped her arm around my shoulders and pulled me into a side hug and gave me a gentle head butt to the side of my forehead. I smiled and head butted her back. She squeezed my shoulder then let me go so she could take her turn. I watched her lean over the table and stared at her ass. Yeah, she would totally be someone I would go for if I was actually interested.

“Stop staring at my ass Laura,” she said playfully as she stood up. “You’re not getting any from me unless you happen to be the last person on earth.”

I raised my hands up in surrender. “The feeling is mutual, but I have to say you have a nice looking ass.”

She quirked her eyebrow up and tapped my ass with the end of her pool stick. “You’re not so bad yourself there.” She winked and moved to make her next shot.

I shook my head and laughed. “And this is what’s going to make my friends think we’re having sex.”

“So?” She shrugged.

JP leaned on his pool stick. “They haven’t gotten used to you being an adult now and not the innocent teenager you used to be.”

“I know, but it doesn’t make things alright for them to just assume that I can’t make any other friends besides all of you or to judge me for what I do.”

“You’re right, but you’ve only been hanging out with us for a little over three weeks now. It’ll take some time.”

Klara came over to me and nudged my shoulder. “Let them think what they want. You know what you’re doing and who people are to you. Don’t let their opinion change who you are now.”

I bit my bottom lip then nodded my head. “You’re both right.”

“When aren’t I?” JP said playfully.

I rolled my eyes. “Hurry up and lose to Klara already so you can buy us food.”

Klara laughed as JP faked being hurt. “Why Laura you have little faith in my abilities?”

“I just have a bit more faith in Klara’s.”

He lent over the pool table and missed his shot. “And rightly so because I am shit at this game.”

I laughed. “Then why pick this one?”

“Because I underestimated my opponent.”

“It wouldn’t be the first time someone does,” Klara teased and winked at him. “Now move over loser I have a game to win.” She tapped his leg with the end of her pool stick and he rolled his eyes but moved out of the way.

I stayed with JP and Klara for the rest of the evening just playing pool. I ended up beating JP easily and then Klara who did not look too happy about that. They were not very happy to learn that I had learned to play pool while I was traveling and had become very good at it because that was how I made some extra cash whenever I would run low on money for food or a hostel. JP bought us food and we just ate while playing pool because I didn’t want to go back to sit with the others. I was actually having fun just hanging out for once this entire semester and I didn’t want to lose that feeling. This was honestly the most I had smiled and laughed since coming here and being around my friends and that was mostly because of Klara and JP. I can count on these two although counting on someone I’ve only known personally for about a week is pretty scary, but then again I have done crazier things.

* * *

 

**_Carmilla_ **

I stepped out of the bathroom in my black skinny jeans and black bra plus my combat boots. I walked over to her wardrobe and opened it. I looked through her shirts to find one that wasn’t too bad to wear. I bent down into the wardrobe to check the shirts she had folded up on the bottom. I heard the door open and I peeked up from the wardrobe to see who it was. Laura walked in and stopped where she stood. Her eyes quickly roamed over my body before she turned away and walked over to her bed.

“Sorry. I didn’t see a rubber band on the door, so I thought it was safe to come in.”

“Uh…no. Some imbecile just bumped into me at the cafeteria and spilt his soda all over me, so I needed a shower and a new shirt.” I ducked down into the wardrobe again to find a shirt and finally came up with a navy blue V-neck shirt. This will have to do.

“Well that sucks.”

“Tell me about it.” I stood up and slid my fore arms through the sleeves before cold fingers touched my back.

They knowingly and softly traced the scars on my back. “They don’t look so red and fresh anymore,” she whispered.

Her fingers moved down to my lower back as her touch began to feel like she was setting fires over my scars. “Well it helps that I don’t go tanning during the summer.” Her finger traced over the last scar at the very bottom right of my back then her touch was gone. I didn’t realize how much I actually craved her touching me.

A shiver ran down my spine as she placed her hands on my hips. “You shouldn’t cover them so much. You’re a stronger person now.”

I gulped and stared down at the floor. “Not all the time,” I whispered. The door opened and Laura quickly moved away from me leaving me feeling as cold as ice. I glanced at the door to see Catherine there. She had a questioning look in her eyes as I quickly pulled the shirt on to cover my scars.

“Are you ready?” Catherine asked me as Laura moved over to her bed.

“Yeah just let me get my backpack.” I moved over to her bed to grab my backpack then slung it over my shoulder. Catherine turned and walked out the door without another word. “Bye Laura,” I said.

“Bye Carmilla.”

I closed the door and looked down the hall to see Catherine waiting by the elevator. I fucked up. I walked over to her and climbed into the elevator after her. She kept a foot of distance between us as we rode down to the first floor. The silence was suffocating, but well deserved. The elevator doors opened and we stepped out into the lobby. She walked ahead of me as we made our way out of her dorm. She kept walking until finally moving off the path to stand far away from her dorm. She turned to stare at me and her eyes were filled with anger and sadness.

“You know it’s funny how you let her see your scars while you won’t even let me get a glimpse of them.”

“She was there when I got them.”

“Is that all?” She choked out.

“Yes.” I looked away from her eyes.

It was silent for a moment before she cleared her throat. “I thought that if I just pretended to not see anything then nothing would be there, but I can’t do that now after this.” I looked up to meet her gaze. “Did you two date before?”

“Does it really matter?”

“Answer the damn question Carmilla,” she said as her voice climbed to a higher octave.

I gulped and ran my fingers through my hair. “Yes.”

“Were you ever going to tell me?”

I looked down at the ground again. “No.” I looked back up at her. “I didn’t think it would matter.”

She shook her head and sucked her bottom lip into her mouth before looking at me again with glossy eyes. “Jesus Carmilla.” She ran her fingers through her hair and looked away from me. “Are you fucking kidding me?” She looked back to me. “You didn’t think it would matter?”

“I’m sorry.”

She put her hands on her hips. “I can’t do this with you right now.”

“What do you mean?” I took a step closer to her and she took a step back.

She ran her fingers through her hair. “I need you to decide whether or not you are going to tell me the truth about everything. About your scars, about your relationship with Laura, and about us.”

My eyes widened at the last one. “Are you serious?”

“Yes. You can’t keep me in the dark about everything anymore. I can’t avoid doing things that make you jump or scare you if I don’t even know what those things are to begin with and this entire month you have been checking out a lot more than ever before. I need to know whether or not you’re as invested in this relationship as me because I don’t want to keep feeling like you’re slipping away from me.”

I took a step back and looked at the floor. “I didn’t know that’s how you felt.”

“You haven’t been paying enough attention in order to ask.” I met her gaze and saw the hurt that filled them. She looked away. “I’m going to go. You let me know when you figure everything out.” She turned and walked away from me.

I bit my bottom lip and ran my fingers through my hair. Fuck!

* * *

 

**_Laura_ **

I knocked on her door and waited for her to answer. I had to get out of my room. I have no idea what happened earlier today, but Catherine was walking around as if her world has fallen apart and I can’t help feeling like it was my fault. Well, to be honest it probably was. I shouldn’t have touched Carmilla like that. I shouldn’t have been drawn over to her and ran my fingers over her scars and then hold her hips. It was hard not to though. It was like a magnet was pulling me closer to her. I had an undying urge to feel Carmilla’s skin beneath my fingertips and to feel those scars that I was most familiar with. I knew her scars like I knew the back of my hand. I wanted to kiss every scar lovingly so she could know that she didn’t need to hide them. That I would always love her despite them. But I won’t do that.

The door opened up and I took a deep breath in order to compose myself. “Sorry, was in the restroom.” She moved so I could walk inside then closed the door behind me. “So want to tell me why you look like someone ran over your puppy?”

I set my backpack down by her bed. “Not particularly.”

“Alright then.”

I climbed onto her bed and grabbed her purple pillow. She sat down next to me and started to boot up her laptop. I chewed on my bottom lip as we sat in silence. “I got caught doing something I should not have been doing.”

“You and that science friend of yours didn’t set anything on fire did you?”

“No, but if LaF and I do do that one day I’m sure you’ll hear about it in the school newspaper.”

“Gotcha. So what happened?”

I stared down at the bed. “Catherine sort of caught me alone with Carmilla.”

“Oh my god you two weren’t making out were you?” She set her laptop to the side.

“No way. I may sleep around, but cheating is a no-no,” I said highly offended.

She shrugged. “You never know until the next day sometimes.” I gave her a hard look and she simply just rolled her eyes. “What happened?”

I shook my head and smiled before hugging her pillow tightly to my chest. “So Carmilla was shirtless and I was standing behind her with my hands on her hips looking at some of her scars,” I said in a rush.

“Ok give me a second here.” I looked up to see her with her eyes closed. She opened them wide and stared at me. “Okay so intimate moment, Catherine walks in, sees, and then now…?”

“She’s walking around broken.”

“Ok.” She tilted her head to the side. “Interesting.” She sucked her bottom lip into her mouth then pressed her index finger to her chin. “So obviously they had an argument, but what I’m interested in here is why you would do that in the first place.”

I ran my fingers through my hair slowly. “I uh…we were not just friends.”

“So did you two date or did you just have this big lesbian crush on her?”

“We dated,” I admitted.

“Alright, so then how do you feel now since being around her for this past month?”

“I…well I still love her,” I confessed. My heart fluttered at having finally said those words out loud after two years. It was frightening, but a relief at the same time especially since I didn’t have anyone giving me pitying eyes.

“Do you want to be with her?”

I shrugged. “No not really. I mean, a part of me does, but another part doesn’t want to be shattered into pieces again.”

She nodded her head. “I think you need to figure out what you want because from the little I saw of you two, there is still something there that needs to be resolved whether that means you two get back together or move on.”

I sighed and rubbed my forehead. “And if she fixes things with Catherine what then?”

“Then you still have to address the elephant in the room or things are not going to go well for either of you.”

I scratched my head. “If only it were that easy.”

She put her hand on my back and rubbed it soothingly. “Why wouldn’t it be?”

“Because a part of me wants to throw stuff at her or punch her, but another part of me wants to just break down and cry and be held by her.”

“Then I guess you better not talk where there are a lot of sharp objects,” she joked.

I laughed and shoved her shoulder playfully. “Alright I’m not going to get to that level, but I just don’t want to have that conversation ever.”

“Well there is only so long you can avoid it for.”

“I know.”

“Look don’t worry about it now. Tonight let’s go out to a bar or something and have fun.”

“I don’t know.”

“Well we can stay here and watch Netflix like we planned.”

I chewed my bottom lip. Sit here and watch Netflix and continue to think about this or go out and have fun? “Let’s go out.”

“Alright then.” She hopped off her bed and grabbed my hands pulling me to my feet. “Let’s have some fun.”

We put our shoes on and headed out the door. She led me over to a party that the Alchemy Club was throwing which I was very worried about, but she assured me that all they did was change the color of the drinks. I let her take me to the party and we went directly to the dance floor. Usually I need a few drinks in order to start dancing, but being with her made me feel like I really didn’t need a drink. She was a big ball of energy and fun that had me falling into her rhythm and following her lead. She sang loudly as she put her hands on my hips and danced with me. I raised my hands above my head and closed my eyes allowing for the music to just take over my body.

I’ll worry about everything with Carmilla later. I just want to forget everything like usual and have fun.

* * *

 

**_Carmilla_ **

I stood on my balcony and played with my zippo lighter. It was a chilly night, but not enough for me to want to put on some sweatpants and a sweater. I stood there in my tank top and boy shorts and just focused on my lighter. I flicked the flame on and off repeatedly. I really have been too focused on Laura this past month and have not paid much attention to Catherine. I wonder what I looked like to other people whenever I was around Laura. Did I seem happier? Did it seem like she liked me? Did it seem like she forgave me? Did it look like I was in love with her? I closed my lighter and groaned while lowering my head onto the railing. I hit my forehead against the railing. Who cares what I looked like? I love Laura. I’ve always loved Laura and will always love Laura, but after what I did, did I deserve to be with her? Would she even want me? I lifted my head up and looked out into the night. Would she love me like she did before? Would it be the same as before? I sighed. There were so many unknowns. With Catherine I don’t have to worry so much about any of this.

With Catherine it was just me and her. There was her here in my apartment with me or me with her at her dorm. There were dates, kisses, intimacy and more. There was knowing what she liked and what she didn’t like. What her favorite food was and her favorite color. I didn’t have to worry so much with her and wonder whether or not she wanted to be with me, but do I want to be with her because it’s easier or because I like her? I began playing with my lighter again. It is easier, but I also do want to be with Catherine. She’s made me the happiest I have ever been since Laura and I can see myself falling in love with her eventually. I want to be with her. I’ll just have to really give up on Laura and put my feelings aside. I’ve spent too much time thinking about her.

Who knows, maybe her and her friend Klara will become a thing once they know each other more. It seems plausible and would be best for her despite how much it kills me to even think about it. It’s starting to destroy me to see them together. The way Klara just holds her hand without thinking or how Laura just hugs her whenever. When they both laugh together or make jokes. When they both sit there and watch a movie on one of their laptops. It pisses me off and makes me want to punch something, but I have no right. What Laura does with other girls is her business. Whether she actually dates Klara or keeps having one-night stands, I have no right to act like a jealous ex-girlfriend when I made sure to burn that bridge myself. I sighed.

I do want to be with Catherine despite how I feel about Laura. I just hope I haven’t messed up too badly this past month with Catherine. The only other problem would be whether or not I can open up to Catherine about my past. I knew there was going to be a point where her not knowing anything would be a problem and I guess now is that time. I tilted my head back to look up at the stars. Was I ready to make that sort of commitment with Catherine? To let her in even more and tell her about why I don’t like when people just open my door without knocking first, why I hate water, why I hate dark small spaces, why I sometimes freeze on a staircase, or why I hate doing anything that involves rope and many other things. Was I ready to let her into that part of my life?

I walked back into my room. No I’m not, but if that’s what it’s going to take to keep Catherine then I will tell her somethings, but not everything. She doesn’t need to know about my past drug addiction or my suicide attempt. She doesn’t need to know how the only reason I am even here today is mainly because of Laura. That I didn’t give in because I came back for Laura. I shook my head and sat in my bed. I came back for Laura only to leave her because of my own problems and because I thought she deserved better. Look how well that all turned out. Three years later and we’re both a mess because of something I did. I sure know how to fuck shit up. Maybe if I was a good girl things would be different. Maybe if I could just do what I’m told things would be better. Maybe if I wasn’t here there would be no problems.

I shook my head and fell back against my bed. I can’t think that way. I am not a bad person. I am just me. I do what I want because it makes me happy and that’s the most important thing. I propped myself up on my elbows. Catherine makes me happy. I want to be with her and I will be. I’ll be honest to a point, but there are some things I need to keep to myself for my own health. For my own sanity I can’t give every part of myself to her. I can love Catherine one day. It’s just going to take a bit more time. Until then, I need to learn to keep a better hold on my feelings for Laura and to not let my feelings show or come out like they did the other day. I don’t want to hurt Laura even more than I have already and unfortunately being with her was only going to break her more…I think.

I lay down and looked up at the ceiling. I hope I’m making the right decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Follow me at musictomyearshsau.tumblr.com for stuff and to ask questions.


	9. Stop Being Scared

**_Laura_ **

I walked into the room and looked over to see Catherine sitting on her bed with her laptop. She was focused on what was on her screen. I walked over to my bed placing my backpack on the floor by it and began to untie my boots.

“You’ve been gone a lot recently,” she said into the silence.

I stopped untying my shoes. “I’ve had a lot of stuff to work on.”

“And here I thought it was because you were avoiding talking to me about what I walked in on between you and Carmilla.”

“There’s not much to talk about.” I began to retie my boots. I knew it was too soon to come back to the room.

“Nothing to talk about,” she said beginning to get angry.

I sat up straight and gripped the edge of my bed. “What exactly do you want me to say?”

She set her laptop to the side and shrugged sarcastically. “Oh I don’t know, probably why you had your hands on her and were staring at her scars,” she said raising her voice.

I sighed. “Sorry about the hands and as for the scars, I was there when she got them so it was just nice to see that they had healed a lot better since the last time I saw them,” I said calmly not wanting to get into a shouting match.

“Right because you need to have your hands on her hips in order to do that!”

“Oh I’m sorry. I didn’t know that there were rules to how I can touch my friends. Maybe next time you should draw me a fucking map,” I said sarcastically.

“Maybe I will and oh yeah, what about the part where you didn’t tell me that you two had dated in the past?” She scooted to the edge of her bed.

“Well that’s not for me to tell you.”

She stood up. “Not for you to tell me? I’m your fucking roommate and it would have been nice to know that my roommate fucked my girlfriend in the past!” She yelled.

I stood up as well. “Well I’m not your damn girlfriend, so it’s not my fucking job to tell you anything!” I shouted back.

“Well it still would have been nice to know that my roommate fucked my girlfriend in high school!”

The door opened suddenly. “Ladies what is going on?” Perry asked.

I balled my hands into fists. “Yeah I fucked your girlfriend in high school,” I lied. I stepped closer to her. “So you can go ahead and think about how I went down on her, how I had my fingers inside her, and how I had her underneath me moaning my name every time you go to touch her.” I got up right in her face. “So have a good fucking day.” I turned and walked right past Perry into the hall.

I walked into the elevator and pulled out my phone. I scrolled through my contacts and looked for a hookup that didn’t have an afternoon class right now. I sent a message out to three girls I thought didn’t have class right now. I exited the elevator into the lobby of the dorm and quickly went outside. My body was buzzing with anger and I really need to get rid of it. Plus the image of Carmilla underneath me was not helping right now. I walked down the path past the quad. My phone vibrated and I quickly looked to see who messaged me back. I tucked my phone into my pocket and quickly walked over to Lena’s dorm.

 

 

 

 

 

I carefully slid out of Lena’s bed and began to search the floor for my clothes. I began to get dressed then grabbed my shoes and silently left her room. Luckily she tends to be a heavy sleeper. I slipped my shoes on then pulled my phone out of my pocket. I had twenty-five missed calls and thirty missed text messages. I walked down the hall and scrolled through the text messages. Nothing important besides texts of “where are you?”, “why won’t you answer?”, and “Dammit Laura!” plus other texts similar to those. I got in the elevator of the dorm as my phone began to ring. It was Klara.

“Hello?”

“Are you a zombie?”

“What?”

“That’s what a zombie would say.”

I rolled my eyes. “I am not a zombie.”

“If you’re not a zombie then why didn’t you answer any of my texts or calls? Your friend Perry hasn’t stopped freaking out and bugging me for the last two hours.”

I stepped out of the elevator. “I was busy.”

She stayed silent for a while. “You alright now or do you want to hang out and watch Netflix?”

I chewed on my bottom lip. “I’m heading to your dorm now.”

“I’ll get the popcorn ready.”

I ran my fingers through my hair. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

I ended the call and sent out a mass text to everyone saying I was alright. I do feel better for the most part, but there was still a part of me that hurt. This sucks.

* * *

 

**_Catherine_ **

I paced around the dorm room in order to work out my anger. Fucking Laura! I balled my hands into fists. I stopped and closed my eyes. I took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. No. It’s not Laura’s fault. She’s right. It wasn’t her responsibility to tell me anything about her and Carmilla. Carmilla is my girlfriend and she should have told me not Laura. Laura is the innocent party in all this and I just blew up on her. I do have a right to be angry that she was touching Carmilla though, but that’s it. I didn’t have a right to get angry that she didn’t tell me that they had dated. I’m going to apologize to her when I can.

I sat down on my bed and ran my fingers through my hair. This is so stressful. Here I thought everything was going great between me and Carmilla. Then Laura shows up and everything has been going downhill. I put my face in my hands. Carmilla is in love with Laura. I can’t deny that anymore. I’d be stupid to continue to think otherwise. Hell I’m stupid for thinking that if I ignored it then everything will be alright. I’m an idiot. Nothing has changed. I’m the fool who fell in love with a girl who loves someone else and that someone else is my roommate. Can it get any more ridiculous? Right it can. My girlfriend has yet to call me in four days. This is a clear indication that she doesn’t love me. I’m sure she likes me, but she doesn’t love me. I really am a fool.

I lay back on my bed and looked up at the ceiling. All this time I had been falling in love with the way she grumbles and whines when I try to wake her up early in the morning for breakfast and coffee. How she looks when she sits down on her balcony during the afternoon and reads her books. The way her bangs fall across her face and how she tucks them back behind her ear. The way she runs her fingers through her hair when she’s frustrated or tired. Her beautiful smile when she’s happy or her shy one when she’s embarrassed. The way she looks when she plays her violin or just closes her eyes to listen to music as if she’s absorbing it into her very soul. The way she kissed me and held my hand. There are so many other little things that I fell in love with and crave to see or feel when I’m with her. I wonder if she looked at me the way I looked at her.

I can be selfish or I can be selfless, but the end result is that we both end up hurt for our own reasons.

I picked up my phone as it rang to let me know I had a text message. I opened the message and sighed. It was from Carmilla. She finally decided to message me. I sat up and read the message. I slipped my phone into my pocket then got up to get ready to meet her. I didn’t want to push her to make a decision or to rush her into one. I didn’t think I would have to have her make a decision in the first place. I could have gone the rest of our relationship not knowing anything and simply loving her for the person I know she is now, but seeing her with Laura hurt. Laura knows Carmilla all the way around and not just parts here and there. Carmilla doesn’t lie or hide from Laura like she does with me. Carmilla loves Laura. I slipped my jacket on and grabbed my purse. I think one of the worst things about all of this, is that during my argument with Laura I could see the hint of hurt yet love that she had for Carmilla in her eyes before it was smothered by her anger. I walked out into the hall and made my way to the elevator. I want to be selfish, but can I really stand between them and never really be loved by the woman I love and want so dearly?

 

 

 

 

 

I walked into the coffee shop and made my way over to her favorite table in the very back corner by the window. She was sitting there tapping her foot and picking at her nail polish. I gulped. She only does both at the same time when she’s not sure of the decision she has made. I sat down across from her and waited for her to look at me. She lifted her gaze from her finger nails and stopped fidgeting. She took a deep breath then met my eyes. I wanted to disappear. She had a war waging in her eyes and it looked like she was still struggling even now. She was a sinking ship and I was the anchor pulling her underneath the water to drown.

“So,” she began. She cleared her throat. “I uh…did a lot of thinking.” She started to tap her foot again. “I want to be with you and I’ll tell you as much as I am comfortable with talking about in concerns to my past.” She started to pick at her nail polish again.

“And you and Laura?” I asked.

She reached behind her neck to rub it. “We’re only friends despite having dated in the past.” She let go of her neck and looked out the window. She was lying.

“Carmilla?” She turned to look at me. “Do you love me?” She stopped tapping her foot and stared at me. My heart clenched. “Do you think you can love me?” I asked while trying to keep control of the sadness welling up in my voice.

She stayed silent for a while. She began to tap her foot again and looked down at the table. She chewed on her lip and tears began to well up in my eyes. I’m an idiot. She looked up at me. “Yes,” she said softly.

I looked into her eyes and saw that she was trying to convince herself that she could love me. This would be easier if I didn’t already love her. I took in a calming breath to try to keep from crying. “You know sometimes the people we are most afraid to be with and love are the ones that will love us the most and always be there for us.” Her face fell. I felt a tear begin to fall down my cheek. “We may think we do not deserve the love they can give us because sometimes we feel we are not worth it, like we are not worth loving, and that’s why we get scared sometimes.” I took a calming breath in order to stop my voice from shaking. “But what is love if we are not just a little bit afraid of it?” I wiped my eyes and stood up pulling my purse over my head and onto my shoulder. “I’m not going to stand between you and the love you’re afraid of because you deserve to be loved by someone you don’t have to hide from or lie to.” I moved close to her and cupped her face in my hands to tilt her head up to look at me. “I fell in love with you, but I’m obviously not the one for you.” Her eyes darkened with sadness. I leaned down and pressed a heartbreaking and loving kiss to her forehead. “I hope you get your happiness because the woman I love deserves to be loved and happy with the one she wants.” I let go of her face and turned to walk away.

Breaking up is never easy even if you’re doing it for the right reasons.

* * *

 

**_Carmilla_ **

“Alright I brought the beer and some ice cream,” Will shouted from the living room. I shuffled out of my room and went into the living room. He had set the beer and ice cream on the coffee table in the living room and was in the kitchen. I picked up the carton of rocky road ice cream and plopped down on the couch. I took the lid off and dipped my finger into it. “I hate when you do that,” he complained as he sat down and handed me a spoon.

I shrugged. “Then don’t eat any.”

He popped open a couple of beers and handed one to me. “So what happened?”

I took a sip of my beer then sat back in my seat. “I got dumped obviously.”

“I know that, but why?”

I put another spoonful of ice cream in my mouth. I stayed silent as I ate the bite of ice cream. “She found out that Laura and I dated and said she wouldn’t stand between us.”

“Well you do love Laura.” I glared at him. He quirked his eyebrow up at me. “Tell me I’m wrong.”

I glared even harder then looked away. “It’s none of your business.”

“You love her and the only reason why you’re not with her is because your scared and don’t feel like you deserve her,” he stated.

“I don’t. She’s too good for me.”

“I remember you saying that before you two actually started dating and it seemed to go well until that whole thing with mother.”

I drank my beer. “It was good, but she deserves better than me now.”

He sighed. “You may be broken and think you are not worth loving or that you deserve her, but you love her and you’re always going to love her because you never stopped loving her. You broke things off with her because you thought it was best for her because you were a mess, I think it’s time you do what’s best for you and let yourself be loved because you’re always going to be a mess and she’s always going to love you. She understands you the most and will be there for you to hold you together when you can’t do it yourself.” He sat up and rubbed his forehead. “I love you kitty, but sometimes you’re an idiot.”

I looked down at my carton of ice cream. I sighed. “I love Laura,” I finally said out loud after so long. I didn’t want to ever say those words because it hurt more to say it than to think it. “Even if she does love me back, do you really think she will take me back?”

He put his cheek in the palm of his hand and stared at me tiredly. “If you don’t try how will you ever know?”

I set the carton of ice cream on the coffee table and leaned my head back against the couch. “I don’t know Will.”

“Stop being a scaredy cat Kitty.”

I turned my head to look at him. “Why does everyone think I’m scared?”

“Because you find ways to talk yourself out of being with Laura,” he said while grabbing the remote to my TV.

“I do not.”

“Then why did Catherine dump you if you didn’t talk yourself out of breaking up with her for Laura?”

I groaned and stared up at the ceiling. “I don’t want to hurt her again.”

“Then don’t.”

“Easier said than done.”

“You make things too complicated. Just be with her dammit.”

I sat up and ran my fingers through my hair. “How?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know. I’m not the one who hurt her.”

“Right.”

I grabbed the carton of ice cream and finished off my beer. I sighed. Catherine and Will are probably right. I am scared of being with Laura. I’m afraid of someone loving me as much as Laura does. I’m terrified of getting hurt. I’m scared of not deserving her and her realizing this and leaving me. I’m terrified of her leaving me. “I’m scared of her leaving me,” I whispered.

He wrapped an arm around me and pulled me into a hug. “She’s not Ell and she’s not Mother. She loved you for everything you were when you were in high school and I bet she will still love you for everything you are now. She has never turned her back on you no matter what you revealed about yourself and I doubt that part of her has changed.” He kissed the top of my head. “She never hurt you on purpose or told you only she could ever love you, but she has been the only one to ever love you so unconditionally.” He pulled back and placed his finger on my chin to turn my head to face him. “If you never felt how deeply she loved you, you would not still be in love with her now.”

I turned away from him and he pulled me back into a hug. I miss being with Laura. I miss the feeling of being home. I miss feeling safe and loved. I want Laura back. I love her.

* * *

 

**_Laura_ **

I changed into the sweats and T-shirt Klara gave me and looked at myself in the mirror. What the hell am I doing? I shouldn’t have yelled at Catherine like that. I shouldn’t have said any of the things I told her. It just pissed me off so much though. She can’t blame me for her girlfriend not telling her the truth. It’s not my responsibility to do that. I turned the faucet on and dipped my hands into the water cupping some water between them then leaning down to splash the water on my face. I reached over for the face towel and dried my face off. I stared in the mirror. What am I doing? Do I want to be with Carmilla? Do I want to go down that road again? I looked down at my arms to the scars there. I lifted my gaze to the mirror again. I pressed my fingers against the scar on my right collarbone. Everyone is going to think I’m crazy for wanting to be with Carmilla, but do I honestly care that much? Should I care what they think? I sighed and walked out of the bathroom. Is being with Carmilla worth the it?

“You alright?”

I glanced at Klara and smiled. She was making hot chocolate. My favorite. “I don’t know.”

She poured the hot chocolate into two mugs then came over to me. “What’s going through your head?”

I took the mug she offered me then sat down on her bed crossing my legs and resting my elbows on my knees. I took a sip of the hot chocolate and hummed happily. I licked my lips then stared into the mug. “I’m sure Perry told you I argued with Catherine today.”

“Right.”

I tapped my fingers against the mug. “Well I pretty much told her that I slept with Carmilla and that she should think of that every time she went to touch Carmilla.” I gnawed on my bottom lip.

“That’s harsh.”

I shrugged my left shoulder. “It happened.”

“So what exactly is bothering you then?”

“Well I never did have sex with Carmilla for starters, but also whether or not it’s even worth fighting with Catherine about her.”

“True, but you did argue with Catherine about Carmilla and you can’t take that back.”

“I know,” I grumbled.

“So what’s bothering you?”

“I don’t know. I think I should apologize to Catherine for what I said.”

“Alright.”

I gazed down at my hot chocolate. “Why does loving someone have to hurt so much?”

I glanced at her and she shrugged. “Love is the best and worst thing in the world, but without it we would feel empty.”

I let my fingers trace over the scars on my right arm. “Thank you for letting me stay here these last couple of days.”

“Of course.”

I drank my hot chocolate as we sat there in silence. I have been empty and in pain for so long. Only once did I ever feel like things were better and that was when I was in Greece. I don’t know what I’m going to do if Carmilla and Catherine do break up. I just know I can’t stand feeling empty all the time when I feel full and complete whenever I’m with Carmilla. I hate it. I hate the feeling of being myself whenever I’m with Carmilla when she’s the reason why I self-destructed in the first place. I don’t know if I’ll be able to survive a second time especially if my friends abandon me for my decision. Plus my dad isn’t here to keep a watch over me.

Is she really worth risking being destroyed again if she decides to walk away and cut me out of her life? I’m not sure.


	10. I'm a Mess

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright so when I use the word "football" in this chapter it means futbol/soccer and any other way you can say the word soccer. 
> 
> These "********" mean same character POV just different day or in this case, night.

**_Laura_ **

I let my feet swing over the rooftop edge of the Astronomy building. I looked down at all the people down below walking around. They all looked so normal. What does it feel like to be normal? What does it feel like to not have to take anti-depressants or to worry about what people would think of you if they knew you had depression? What is normal anyway? Why do certain people get to determine what is normal while others do not? My phone began to ring and I pulled it out of my pocket. I looked at the caller ID and sighed. Should I pick it up? I gnawed on my bottom lip then answered it before it could go to voicemail.

“Hey dad,” I said with a gruff voice. I cleared my throat a bit.

_“Hey sweetheart. You haven’t called me since you started school.”_

I picked at a loose string on my pants. “I’ve been pretty swamped with everything going on here. Just still trying to get used to everything you know.”

_“I’m sure it’s a whole new world.”_

“It is.” I gripped the edge of the rooftop and tilted my head back to look at the clouds.

 _“How are you doing?”_ He asked with a somber tone.

I knew what answer he was looking for. “I’m doing alright despite what month it is.”

_“You sure? I can always fly down there.”_

“I’m sure dad. I can handle it,” I said trying to convince myself more than him.

 _“Well if you need me just let me know. I took the month off, so I can get on the next flight out if you want me to,”_ he said anxiously, but I could tell he didn’t really want to come out here. We never were able to fix the fact that we can never be in the same place as one another during this month because of everything I went through and then me leaving to travel before coming to school.

“I’m fine dad. Don’t worry. I have my friends here remember?”

He stayed silent for a while before I heard him clearing his throat. _“Alright then. Just let me know if you need anything and call me more often alright. I still worry about you.”_

I scratched my forehead with my thumbnail. “I know dad. I’ll try.”

_“Alright. You have a good day sweetheart. I love you.”_

“I love you too.” I hung up the phone and tucked it back into my pocket.

I folded my hands on my lap and started to swing my feet back and forth. I guess the only good thing that’s come from this month so far is that Catherine transferred rooms two days ago. She apologized for yelling at me. I apologized for what I said and told her the truth about me and Carmilla. She was surprised when I admitted that Carmilla and I never had sex. Her eyes went from being shocked to being a storm of sorrow. She said they broke up. I wasn’t going to push her for more information because it’s none of my concern, but she said she couldn’t be my roommate anymore. Even if they had stayed together, I wouldn’t want to be my roommate either. I wouldn’t want to room with someone who was my girlfriend’s ex. I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from thinking about how many times they had sex together, or kissed, or went out on dates, or what stories they shared. Well if I’m being honest here, I do wonder what Catherine and Carmilla’s relationship was like. How did those two meet in the first place? I guess I can be glad that I won’t have to worry about going insane over what they were doing together especially if Catherine came back late at night or early the next morning.

I was just glad that I get the room to myself since one of the girls moved out last month. Usually Catherine would have had to find someone who wouldn’t mind swapping roommates, so it was lucky that we didn’t have to go through that because that would have been a pain in the ass to explain to everyone in our dorm as to why Catherine and I couldn’t be roommates anymore. Plus we were lucky that the girl agreed to let Catherine move in to the vacant spot in her room because Perry gave her the choice to say no since she didn’t want to force the girl to let Catherine move in. Either way, I get the room to myself which is going to come in handy this month since all I want to do is crawl into bed and never come out.

I pulled my legs up to sit cross-legged. My phone rang letting me know I had a text message. Everyone was beginning to get over protective and pitying me like they do every year during this month. I love them for it, but that’s not what I need. I just need someone to be there without any of those things. I just need someone to be there. I need someone.

* * *

 

**_Carmilla_ **

I sighed and looked down at my phone. To think a week of October had gone by. Catherine and I break up, she moves into a different room leaving a box of my stuff with Perry, and I wonder if Laura is alright. I wonder if she even noticed at all. I bet she did. She would never forget. She may get distracted, but she wouldn’t forget because I never forgot. I slid my phone into my pocket and stuffed my laptop into my backpack. I headed toward Laura’s dorm not caring about what will happen. I just felt like I needed to be there. It was an uneasy feeling pushing past my fear of being rejected by her that kept me walking. The need to be there for her right now was stronger than any of my current fears. Plus I promised I would be there for her now. I promised I would always be there for her until she tells me to go. I plan to keep this promise no matter what.

I ducked my head as I entered the dorm and made my way to the elevator. Last thing I need right now is for Catherine to see me and for us to have an awkward moment since she knows I’m not here for her. I think it will be a long while before the two of us can be near each other without feeling like we wanted to run in opposite directions. I took a deep breath to calm myself down before the elevator doors opened up to Laura’s floor. I looked down the hall grateful that it was empty and walked into it heading toward Laura’s room. I just hope she’s actually in there, but something inside me knows that she is. I can’t explain it, but I just know she’s there.

I tightened my grip on my backpack strap and stood in front of her door. I can do this. I can go in there. I can be there for her like I was there for her before. She probably doesn’t need me here though. She probably already called her damn friend Klara by now. What if I’m just in the way? What if I just make an ass out of myself by being here? No. Fuck it. I’m here for Laura and I plan to always be here whether one of the dimwit squad is there or her new friend Klara was. I turned the handle on the door knob and pushed the door open while knocking on it with my other hand. I peeked inside the room and got no response. I looked down the hall to make sure Laura wasn’t coming back from a class just then before walking into the room. I got closer to her bed and saw a lump underneath her blanket that seemed to be curled up into a ball. I slipped my backpack off and put it down by her bed before reaching down and shaking her shoulder.

“Laura,” I whispered. No movement. “Laura,” I said a bit louder. Still nothing. “Laura!”

She groaned. “Go away Carmilla.”

I shook her shoulder again. “Come on get up. I thought we could watch a movie or something.”

She groaned even louder and tucked herself into a smaller ball which seems impossible really. “Leave me alone.”

I sighed and sat down on her bed. “Fine. You can lay there and mope all day then. I’m just going to sit here and watch _Mulan_.” I pulled my laptop out of my backpack and booted it up.

I felt her shift. “You hate Disney movies.”

“It’s a good thing at least one person in this room likes them then.” I pulled up my Netflix account and searched for the _Mulan_ movie. “Although said person wants me to leave them alone, so I’ll just plug my headphones in while the movie plays.”

The bed creaked and I felt the weight of her head on my shoulder and the proximity of her face to mine all at once and it nearly made me drop my laptop. “Don’t be mean. You know it’s my favorite movie,” she whispered.

I turned the volume up on the movie. “I know. Now do you want to watch it or should I leave for real?”

She moved back and away from me. “Well you already started it, so might as well watch it right?” She said trying to hide her excitement at wanting to watch the movie. It was cute.

“Right of course.”

“Great!”

She pulled a packet of cookies off her headboard and laid down using her pillows as a back cushion. She pulled her yellow pillow onto her lap and patted the space next to her. I wonder if it’s the same yellow pillow from when we were younger. I moved into the spot she indicated and set the laptop down on my lap far enough so she could see it without squinting. We lay there shoulder to shoulder as the movie played out on the screen. I really don’t like Disney movies, but the way Laura gets into it makes it worth watching. Her lips moved as she silently recited the lines of the movie. Her forehead creased at moments she didn’t agree with and a smile played at the corner of her mouth when she was trying her hardest to try to not show that a particular scene made her joyous. It was a little past half-way through the movie that she rested her head on my shoulder. I pulled my laptop closer a bit since there wasn’t any more space between us now.

It wasn’t long after that I felt the change in her demeanor. It went from enjoying the movie to simply watching it because it was on. She had checked out. I nearly jumped when I felt her finger begin to trace circles on my bare thigh. I had worn my black shorts and black knee high socks, so I felt the goosebumps as her finger lightly traced against my skin. I bit down on my bottom lip to calm my racing heart. It was a shock, but soon my body relaxed and I began to enjoy the mindlessness of the task. It felt comforting. It also helped that I figured out from watching her with Klara that she does this when she needs to calm down. It was her way of directing her emotions in a way that wasn’t self-destructive. I know because I do the same with my zippo lighter. The constant clicking of the lid of the lighter was the same as her tracing circles with her fingers; it was a way to stop thinking or to not be consumed by thoughts or emotions.

I rested my cheek against the top of her head. Her finger stopped for a moment as I felt her body tense up. Damn. I shouldn’t have done that. I moved my head back to where it was before. It was a long moment before her fingers tapped against my thigh as she adjusted her head on my shoulder. I took it as her way of saying that what I did before was alright now. I lay my cheek against the top of her head again and her body relaxed against my side. A wall had been knocked down. She began to trace circles against my thigh again as the end of the movie began to play. I’ll put _Hercules_ on after this.

* * *

 

**_Klara_ **

I made my way up to the roof of the Astronomy building. Laura’s friend Perry wouldn’t stop messaging and calling me about Laura. She kept saying it was important that we knew where Laura was at all times this month. I rolled my eyes when I read the messages. Obviously this month is not a good one for Laura if her friends are freaking out every time she disappears, but really Laura is a grown woman. If she wants to disappear then she should be able to disappear without people worrying too much. A little worry is alright, but this whole keeping tabs on Laura’s every move was overbearing. I opened the door to the roof and walked over to the ledge. Laura said it was her place to go whenever she needed to clear her head. She was sitting on the ledge of the roof and staring down at the ground. I sent a quick text to Perry so she could stop worrying so much, but didn’t say where we were. I’m not going to ruin this space of solace for Laura because her friends can’t chill.

“Laura?”

She looked over her shoulder and gave me a small smile. “Hey Klara. What brings you up here?”

I moved over to her and sat down next to her. “Your friends were bugging me again.”

“Sorry.”

I shrugged my left shoulder. “It’s a bit overbearing, but they worry for you.” She hummed in agreement. I looked at her and saw that she was in a pair of black sweats and a Silas hoody. She didn’t look too good, but not so bad that I needed to excessively worry about her. “I take it this month is not a good one for you?”

“What gave it away?”

“Your friends freaking out and you not looking so hot, but I bet you can still get girls to come back to your room with you if you want.”

She smirked then shook her head. “There aren’t enough girls in the world that will be able to keep my mind occupied.” She wiped the palm of her hands on her sweatpants. “Although it does help temporarily.”

“Yeah. Sex is great for many things, but we still have to face shit after it’s all said and done.”

“Yeah.” She leaned back on the palm of her hands.

I bumped my shoulder against hers. “Want to come to a party with me tonight? I can be your wingwoman.”

She tilted her head back to look at the sky. “Not really. I just want to be alone.”

“Alright then. If you need me, message me. I’m here for you.” I wrapped my arm around her shoulders and pulled her into a side hug. I kissed the top of her head and let go. “The swim team is hosting the party tonight, so stop by the pool if you change your mind.”

“We’ll see.” She wrapped her arm around my waist and kissed my cheek. “Now get out of here before my mood brings you down,” she teased.

“Alright alright.” I spun around then got up from the ledge. “Don’t stay up here too long. Don’t want you getting sick.”

“I’ll try not to.”

I slid my hands in my pockets and left her to her own devices. If she wants me to be around she’ll let me know. There’s no reason to push her to have company if she doesn’t want it. I figured out early on that she’ll attach herself to you if she doesn’t want you to go instead of just asking. It seems like she has a hard time with talking about the things that bother her. I made my way down the staircase to the fourth floor where the elevator was. When she wants company she’ll let me know.

 

 

 

 

 

I walked around the party keeping a close eye on Laura. I had an unsettling feeling from the moment she walked into the party. She came over to me and gave me a hug while already smelling like she had been drowning herself in alcohol. I’m not sure if she hit up another party before coming here or if she drank a whole bottle of something by herself in her dorm room before coming here. It didn’t really matter because she came in looking happy, but I could tell she wasn’t. She had the aura of a deep seeded sadness that weighed on her shoulders. She was quickly whisked away by someone she had slept with before and got drinks with this girl. I sipped on my own drink as I watched her drinking and laughing with this girl. Normally I wouldn’t watch her like this, but tonight was different. I had to because I feared she would do something ridiculous.

I watched as the girl pulled Laura to the edge of the pool where everyone was dancing and having fun. Laura’s eyes were drooping which was a clear indication that she was probably black out drunk right now. I set my drink down on the top. I’m going to grab her before she does do something she’ll regret tomorrow. I shoved off the wall and began to make my way over to where she was dancing when I was grabbed by my elbow.

“Klara!”

I turned to see Sam standing there looking worried. “What is it Sam?”

“It’s Mika. She’s throwing up really bad in the bathroom and she won’t let any of us in to see if she’s ok. She only ever listens to you, so can you please check on her?”

I glanced over at Laura. She was laughing and kissing the girl she was with. I sighed and rubbed my forehead. “Fine, but you need to do me a favor and keep an eye on the girl right there.” I pointed at Laura and Sam followed my gaze.

“Oh you mean Laura?” Sam asked.

“You know her?”

“We hooked up once before,” Sam admitted.

Of course Laura has slept with someone from my Archery Club. “Right. Could you keep an eye on her?”

“Yeah sure,” Sam answered.

“Thank you.”

I took another glance at Laura before leaving to the hallway where the restrooms were. How Mika was able to shut down an entire restroom when there were so many women here was beyond me, although she can be very intimidating when she’s drunk. I got into the hallway and saw my entire club just standing there banging on the door and pleading with Mika to open it. I moved passed them and was lucky enough to get Mika to open the door for me. I held her waist as she stumbled back to the stall she had claimed and been throwing up in. It wasn’t long until I heard yelling going on outside. I closed my eyes as I held back Mika’s hair. Please don’t let it be related to Laura. The bathroom door banged open and I turned to see Sam standing there. Fuck me.

“Laura?” I asked already knowing the answer.

“She started a fight with one of the football players.”

“Handle Mika.” I stepped out of the stall and Sam took my place.

I ran out of the bathroom and back to the pool area. There was a lot of people grouped together obviously watching the fight that was going on. I shoved and squeezed past people as I fought my way to the front of the crowd. Once I got to the front it was just in time to see the football guy land a punch on Laura’s jaw. She was already bleeding from the side of her left eye. The punch didn’t stop Laura though. She landed her own punch to his chest before stepping into his space, putting her foot behind his leg, grabbing his shoulder with one hand and his forearm with the other, and then knocking him over onto his back. She was quickly on top of him landing punches on his face. He put his arms up to block her assault. I jumped in to the middle of the circle and wrapped my arms around her waist and yanked her off of him. I am so lucky she is light. She was punching and kicking trying to get out of my hold.

“Laura enough!” I angrily yelled into her ear. I put her down on her feet, but kept a strong hold on her waist. I continued to drag her away from the fight and toward the hallway where the restrooms were.

“Let me go Klara!” She demanded.

I managed to yank her into the hallway. “I said enough!”

She still struggled hard against me landing a few elbows to my arms and ribs. I was going to be feeling that pain tomorrow for sure. “I said let me go!”

I pulled her tighter against me and moved one of my arms to wrap tightly around her arms and chest in hopes of getting her to stop elbowing me. “I’ll let you go when you calm the fuck down,” I growled.

She jumped up lifting her feet of the ground and tried to get me off balance from the force of it. I backed up and was thankful when my back pressed against the hallway wall. I held her firmly as her feet touched the ground again. “Fuck you!” She yelled.

“Just calm down damn it!” I held her tightly. “It’s alright. I’ve got you. Ok? I’ve got you. You can stop now,” I soothed.

She stopped fighting hard against me and her breathing was ragged. “Let me go Klara,” she said between panting breaths.

“I will, just not yet.” I lessened my hold on her and her body began to relax against me.

I held her against me and gradually relaxed my hold on her as I felt the anger and tension leaving her body. It wasn’t long until her hands were gripping my forearm and she began crying. I tightened my hold a bit to keep her from falling to the ground. I let her cry it all out until she couldn’t anymore. She sniffled and wiped the remaining tears from her eyes. I let her go, but was careful to not let her move too far from me.

“Could you walk me back to my room?” She asked keeping her gaze on the floor.

“Yes.”

She took my hand and we began to walk out of the pool building. It was a silent walk to her dorm and once we got there I had her change into pajamas. I then took the first aid kit out from under her bed and cleaned up the blood from the cut above her eye and then the blood from her lip. A bruise was beginning to form around her jaw and cheekbone. I bet that football player was going to look worse with the way that Laura was landing punches to his face relentlessly. She lay down in bed as close to the wall as possible as way to say she wanted me to stay over. I tucked her in leaving some blanket for myself then looked around her room and found an empty bottle of Tequila by the sink. I grabbed the bottle and tossed it in the garbage can before going through her wardrobe for something to wear to sleep. I changed then sleepily climbed into bed next to her. She scooted back against me and I wrapped my arm around her waist. Maybe her friends do have a right to be overly concerned.

* * *

 

**_Laura_ **

I took my medication then stared at myself in the mirror. I ended up needing stitches for the cut over my eye, but it didn’t look as bad as the purple bruise across my jaw and cheek. I ended finding that football player I got into a fight with and apologized. His face looked a hell of a lot worse than mine. I gave him two black eyes, a busted lip, a broken cheek bone, and a bruise along his other cheek. He apologized as well and we chalked it up to both of us just being drunk beyond belief. I was surprised I could even remember what he looked like since I was so blacked out that night. I guess drinking until you can’t remember sometimes doesn’t work. I also apologize to Klara for bruising up her ribs. She said it was fine, but that I wasn’t allowed to drink Tequila for a while.

I walked back into my room and sat down at my desk. I started my laptop and turned around when I heard my door open. Carmilla stood at the entrance. She stared at me as her face went from being shocked to being worried to finally angry. She dropped her backpack and strolled over to me. She cupped my face gently in her hands and titled my head up so she could better examine my face.

“Who did this to you?”

“It was a mutual thing.”

“Laura,” she said with a growl.

I put my hands over hers to try to calm her down. “I’m fine. Really. You should see the other guy. I got him way worse than this.”

Her jaw clenched like it does when she’s trying to stop herself from saying something she would regret. She leaned down and pressed a caring kiss to my forehead. “It’s a good thing your dad had you in Krav Maga,” she said almost happily.

“Right. I can handle myself,” I reassured.

“I know, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to worry.”

“I know.” I turned my head and pressed a kiss to her wrist. “Thank you for caring.”

Her eyes softened. “I’ll always care.”

My heart clenched and I pulled away. “What can I do for you?”

“I just wanted to see if you wanted to watch a movie or something.”

I looked at my computer. “I actually have an essay to finish.” I glanced up at her to see her face fall. She slipped her hands into her pockets. “But you’re more than welcome to stay and do homework with me.”

“I don’t want to be a bother.”

“You’re not.” She looked at me curiously. I looked away from her. I don’t exactly want to talk about how much I don’t want her to leave my side right now. I only felt calm and safe around her. It is only with her that I don’t feel my guilt or feel like I’m falling into an abyss. It’s a bad sign.

“Alright then. Thanks.”

I watched as she went back to grab her backpack by the door then climb into my bed. She pulled out her textbooks and notebook. We studied and worked in a comfortable silence for a while before I grabbed my laptop and went to sit next to her. My body was itching to be as close to her as possible. I stretched my legs out and pressed my shoulder against hers. We looked at each other at the same time and I smiled before bumping my head against hers gently. The right side of her mouth turned up in a lopsided grin and she bumped my head back. She wrapped an arm around my shoulder then kissed the side of my forehead. I melted into her embrace. I missed this feeling of comfort.

*************

I threw the bottle of bourbon against the wall and listened to it shatter into pieces before falling to the ground. I walked into my bathroom and leaned over my sink. I gripped the edges of the sink tightly and pressed my forehead against the cold porcelain of it. The cold of it felt nice against my burning skin. I looked up at the mirror and stared at myself. Broken and alive. I was here while my mother wasn’t. It was all my fault. Everything is my damn fault. Why can’t I do anything right? My own father can’t even stand to be around me.

I gripped the sides of the sink tightly as anger built up in my chest. I let go of the sink and punched the mirror repeatedly until there was no glass left. It all fell to the floor or into the sink. I looked down to see my knuckles bleeding. Glass shards were in the sink. I heard frantic knocking at my door and was glad that I had locked it for however long that will last until Perry goes to get the spare key she has in her room. I grabbed the trash can by the toilet and began to pick up the shards of glass in the sink tossing them in the trashcan not caring about the new cuts I was giving myself. I deserved them.

“Laura,” Perry said softly. I set the trashcan down and looked at her. She looked like she was about to cry, but she blinked and beckoned me to her. “Come. Let me bandage you up and I’ll take care of the mess.”

I walked out of the bathroom and went to sit on my bed. I stared at her blankly as she picked out the shards of glass imbedded in my cuts then cleaned and wrapped my hands up. She lay me down and tucked me in. I grabbed my yellow pillow and hugged it tightly to my chest. I listened as Perry walked around my room cleaning up the mess I had made. I’m going to have to apologize for a very long time before she forgives me for this.

I pulled the blanket above my head. I wish Carmilla was here.

* * *

 

**_Will_ **

I looked up to see who had just come into the café and saw Laura shuffling over to her usual table by the window. She looked extremely run down and like she hadn’t eaten in a while. I looked over to the calendar that the café kept under the clock and ran my fingers through my hair. It was October 30th. Her mother’s birthday is today, but the real pain will come for her tomorrow. I put in an order of chocolate chip pancakes and bacon for her. Hopefully the chocolate chips will encourage her to eat something. I walked over to her table and sat down across from her. I’d been so busy lately that I forgot what month it was. I feel terrible. I should have noticed and been there for her sooner.

“I put your order in already,” I said folding my hands on top of the table.

She traced circles on the table top. “Thank you.”

“How are you holding up?”

She looked up at me and shrugged. “I’m here for food which is an improvement for this week.”

I frowned. “Sorry I haven’t been there for you this month. I’ve been busy helping Kirsch organize our annual charity event.”

She smiled sadly at me. “It’s alright Will. We all have lives to live.”

“I know, but still.” I looked down at the table.

Her hand squeezed mine and I looked up. “You’re here right now and that’s what matters to me.”

I nodded my head. “It’s pretty slow this morning. Want to play a card game or something?”

“I would like that.” She smiled.

“Cool. I’ll go get the deck of cards we keep under the diner top.” I made my way quickly to the shelf of games we keep under the diner top and grabbed the deck of cards. I made my way back to her table and took the cards out of the pack. “Have you ever played the game Speed?”

She looked at me confusedly. “No. What do you do?”

I shuffled up the cards and dealt out five cards to each of us then spilt the rest of the cards into two piles leaving space in between them. “So I flip a card from each of these piles putting them in the middle and the object of the game is to get rid of the cards in your hand, but you have to place them down on the pile in sequential order. If you can’t put a card down, you’ll have to pull a card from the deck to your right until you get a card you can place down. You can place a card in any of the two piles in the middle so long as it’s in order.” She raised her eyebrow at me. “Ok so say the two cards in the middle are a five and a ten. You could put down a four or a six for the five or a jack or a nine for the ten. You can go backwards or forwards. It just has to be in order.”

“Alright,” she said speculatively.

“And the point is to go as fast as possible in order to get rid of all your cards and win hence why it’s called Speed.”

“So can we go through this once slowly first then?”

“Of course.” I flipped a card over from each pile and set them down in the middle. “When I say go, we’ll start putting our cards down.” She chewed on her bottom lip and furrowed her eyebrows. “Ready?” She nodded her head. “Go!” I started to lay down my cards slowly so she could see what I was doing. She caught on and began to do the same.

The first round was slow since it was her first time playing, but I didn’t hold back in the second round. She glared at me while I just grinned innocently. She soon caught on that she could block me from putting my card down by putting hers down first when we played through our third round. We stopped midway through our fourth round so she could eat and she ended up ordering some more food. She really hadn’t been taking care of herself. I watched her eat and saw some color begin to return to her pale face. I’m glad that I can distract her even if it was only for a little while.

We kept playing until my shift was over and we decided to head back to my apartment and play some video games. Note to self: Laura is a cheater in Mario Kart.

* * *

 

**_Carmilla_ **

I looked down at my phone as I tapped my foot against the floor of my kitchen. It was Halloween. Perry said Laura was fine and was at the dorm Halloween party. She said Laura was going to be there for a while before heading to the party the Summer Society and Zeta dorks were throwing. I just couldn’t shake this feeling that something was going to go wrong. I took my zippo lighter out of my pocket and began to flick it open and close. I was trying not to be around her too much because I didn’t want her to push me away for always being there. I still don’t know where we stand as friends and I don’t want to ruin it because I love her and just want to be around her constantly, but I also want to prove that I can be there for her. I just wish she would tell me when she needs me. She probably never will.

I looked at my phone and saw that it was eleven at night. I stopped tapping my foot and stared at my phone. Screw it. I’m going to go check on her and hope that this sinking feeling was just me being overly worried for her. Then again how can I not be when she had stitches on her face and bandages on her hands? I grabbed my car keys and leather jacket and left my apartment. Please don’t let anything bad be happening to her right now.

 

 

 

 

 

I walked down the hall and clutched my phone tightly. Xena and the Mutt said they hadn’t seen Laura at their party yet and couldn’t find her. I shoved my phone in my pocket before I threw it across the dorm hall to the wall at the end. I got to Laura’s door and knocked on it. No answer. I ran my fingers through my hair and knocked on her door again. Still no answer. I turned the door knob to see if the door was locked. Lucky for me it wasn’t. I opened the door and poked my head into the room. It was quiet. I’ll just look around real quick then head out. If she’s not here then she probably went to the Zeta and Summer Society party.

I walked into the room and closed the door silently behind me. I don’t want people thinking I’m breaking in even though no one was here right now. I walked through the room and looked on her bed. It was empty. I made my way to the bathroom and saw that the door was shut. I pressed my hand against the wood of the door and pushed it open. The door creaked as it opened into the bathroom. I stepped inside and froze. She was sitting in the middle of the bathtub fully clothed in a purple tank top and blue skinny jeans. She was completely soaked and her clothes were sticking to her body. I could tell she had gone from being submerged under the water she filled the tub with to wanting to sit up. Her knees were pulled up to her chest as she held a bottle of whiskey in her hands. She lifted the bottle to her lips and took a big swig from it. My body began to shake because of the water. I couldn’t move.

She looked over at me as my breathing began to quicken. “You should probably go before you get worse,” she whispered. She looked away from me and took another drink from the bottle.

I began to hyperventilate at the sight of the full bathtub and had to close my eyes to fight back the feeling of water beginning to fill my lungs. I had to push back the memory of sinking to the bottom of a lake. I clenched my hands into fists and opened my eyes. I unclenched my hands and began to empty my pockets putting my stuff on the bathroom floor. My hands shook violently as I shrugged my leather jacket off and tossed it on top of my stuff. I kneeled down and untied my boots before stepping out of them. The cold tile of the bathroom floor beneath my feet had my heart clenching from remembering the coldness of the lake. I put my hands on my knees and bent down to try to catch my breath and steady myself.

“Carmilla really you should go.”

“Shut up,” I said around deep breaths. I stood up and stared at her. She looked like she was about to argue, but let it slip away. I probably looked like I was going to pass out and I certainly did feel like I was.

I shook my hands to try to shake the nerves out of my body. I took a step closer to the bathtub and felt a wave of dizziness come over me. I stopped and closed my eyes. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this for her. I opened my eyes and clenched my hands into tight fists. I walked closer to the bathtub as she watched me with worried eyes. She put the bottle of whiskey down on the bathroom floor and gripped the edge of the bathtub. I stopped right outside the bathtub and took a deep breath. I climbed into the tub behind her and fought through the instant feeling of pain that ran throughout my body. I slowly submerged my body into the water as my body shook. She made to turn around, but I put my hand on her shoulder to stop her. I kept my hand on her shoulder as I sat down fully behind her. I settled my legs on either side of her and wrapped my arms around her waist. I pressed my forehead against the back of her left shoulder.

“You didn’t have to do that,” she said worriedly as I tried to calm my shaking. “Why are you doing this?”

I scooted closer to her until I was pressed firmly against her back and rested my chin on her shoulder. “Because you’re more important.”

“I can’t believe you,” she said exasperated. She leaned into me and wrapped her arms over mine. She started to trace circles against my forearm. It calmed me down instantly and I relaxed against her.

I kissed her shoulder. “Why are you in a bath fully clothed anyway?”

“I needed to feel weightless, but like I was real at the same time.”

“How is that going for you?”

“I finished over half a bottle of whiskey so not that well.” She stopped tracing circles on my forearm and instead took my hand in hers and intertwined our fingers. “I feel better now that you’re here.” She caressed the back of my hand with her thumb. “I always feel better when you’re here.”

I kissed her shoulder again. “I’ll be here for as long as you want.” I’ll be here no matter what because I love you.

* * *

 

**_Laura_ **

I felt at home as she held me. I wanted to climb out of the tub when I saw her struggling to come near me, but I couldn’t. The look she gave me froze me in place. Her eyes were determined and filled with love. She loves me and that scares me to death. She loves me to the point of reliving her own trauma and that makes me want to run away. I can’t handle her loving me this way. Not again. I don’t think I’ll be able to do this again, but it’s only when she holds me like this that I feel the safest. It’s only now that I feel like I’m not missing a part of myself. I feel whole for once and that feeling ruined me last time.

I shivered. The water was beginning to get cold. “Let’s get out of here before we turn into ice cubes.”

“Alright.” She let go of me and I instantly felt the absence of her presence.

She practically jumped out of the bathtub as I unplugged the stopper. I climbed out of the bathtub and looked at her. She was shaking from head to toe as water dripped from her drenched clothes. Her fingers turned into tight fists. I got close to her and lifted the back of her shirt. I slipped my hand underneath and pressed it against her back. She tensed up and arched away from my hand. I put my hand over her fist and kissed her shoulder. She relaxed and settled back into the touch of my hand. I rubbed my hand against her back until her fist unclenched. She stopped shaking and let out a slow and deep breath.

I let go of her hand to grab the bottom of her shirt and tugged it up her body. She lifted her arms as I pulled the shirt up and over her head. I tossed her shirt to the corner of the bathroom then moved to stand in front of her. I cupped her face in my hands and pulled her down to lay a calming kiss on her forehead. She closed her eyes. I let go of her face and unbuttoned her jeans. I shoved them down her legs and helped her to step out of them. I tossed her pants to where her shirt was and turned to the sink. I had been smart enough to bring a change of pajamas with me for when I decided to get out of the bathtub.

I grabbed the oversized grey shirt and Carmilla lifted her arms so I could slip it on her. I reached under the back of the shirt and unclasped her bra. I slipped it off her and tossed it. Thankfully the shirt reached down to just above her knees. I reached under the shirt again and grabbed the waist band of her underwear. I slid them off her and helped her step into the purple pajama pants. I pulled them up her legs and looked up at her as I settled them on her waist. I kissed her cheek as I kept my hands on her waist.

“Come. Let’s get you in bed.” I took her hand and led her into the room and then onto the bed. I got her settled underneath my blanket. She grabbed my yellow pillow and held it against her chest. I went into my wardrobe and got some pajamas for myself. I went back into my bathroom and quickly got changed. I climbed into bed next to Carmilla keeping the yellow pillow between us.

“Laura?”

I placed my hand on her waist. Please don’t tell me you love me. I won’t say it back. “Yeah?”

“Are you alright?”

“Yes. Thank you.” I leaned my head closer to her until our foreheads were touching. “Are you alright?”

“Yes.” She put her hand on my forearm and caressed it with her thumb. “Thank you.”

I moved my head back a bit to stare into her eyes. My heart began to race. I closed my eyes and pressed our foreheads together again. I don’t want to go down this road again, but I may not be able to stop myself in the end.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can follow musictomyearshsau.tumblr.com to ask questions, get updates, and other stuff.


	11. These Little Things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone. Well this chapter has a headcannon in it that I am dedicating and crediting gvnnlfsen from tumblr on (anagbr translated it so they are getting partial blame for the tears that people may have, but mostly all of it was gvnnlfsen). She was nice enough to allow me to add it to this story and it is the way I chose to end this chapter. Hope you enjoy. :)

**_Carmilla_ **

I walked down the stairs into the basement of the Lustig building and was able to hear music playing. I followed the music down the hallway and I was beginning to hear what the lyrics were. I stopped outside the door and had to concentrate real hard to figure out what song it was. It was a dance beat that I didn’t know, but the lyrics were a different story. _When you walk away you don’t hear me say “Please, oh baby, don’t go.” Simple and clean is the way that you’re making me feel tonight it’s hard to let it go. Hold me whatever lies beyond this morning it’s a little later on._ I almost dropped the hot chocolate and coffee I was holding. That’s the song Laura sang to me before I left. It was a lot slower and on her guitar, but it was still the same. This seems to be the shorter dance beat one that is normally associated with the Kingdom Hearts game. I played them once just so I could hear this song, but that was when I had first moved here to Austria. I can’t believe I didn’t recognize this song. I wonder what it means for her to be playing this song now. I shouldn’t get my hopes up. She probably just likes to dance to it or something.

I opened the door and poked my head in. Sure enough she was dancing around the room and bobbing her head to the song as it came to an end. I pushed the door open wider causing it to creak. She looked up from the paint she was mixing and stared at me. She was standing in a black sports bra that was splattered with paint along with certain areas of her toned stomach. This was paired with a pair of black baggy sweat pants that looked like they’ve seen plenty of painting sessions. Her hair was tied up on top of her head in a sloppy bun with stray strands of hair sticking out. I tried my best to hold back my smile. She was a mess covered in paint, but she was a beautiful piece of art all on her own.

I cleared my throat. “Hey,” I said while trying not to blush.

“Hey.” She smiled and set her paintbrush down. “One of those for me?” She pointed to the two cups I was holding.

“Uh yeah. I remembered you said you’d be working all day and thought you might want some hot chocolate.” I walked over to her and held out her cup.

Her fingers brushed against mine as she took the cup out of my hand. She leaned up and kissed my cheek. “Thank you. I was thinking about taking a break soon, so what better time than now?” She took a sip of the hot chocolate and moaned at the taste of it. I clenched my own coffee cup tighter as I did my best not to think about how I wanted to hear that moan under different contexts.

“So what are you working on?” I stepped closer to the large canvas that was propped up against a set of stools.

“Just a series of paintings about my travels.”

I looked at the painting before me of the many homes and the ocean. “Where’s this one from?”

“Greece.”

I hummed. “It’s very beautiful.” I turned to look at her and saw a small spark of regret cross her eyes.

“It is.” She took another sip of her hot chocolate and quickly looked away from the painting. Odd.

I stepped away from the painting and moved closer to her. “So Will asked me to help out with this charity event that the Zetas are throwing.”

She licked some hot chocolate off her bottom lip and I followed the action closely with my eyes. “He asked me for help as well.”

“What did he ask you to help with?”

“The arts and crafts table and to play the guitar because I guess the Zetas want to play live music during the event, but I only have to play for the last song because the last song is going to be the kids’ choice.” She set her coffee cup down. “You?”

“He wants me to sing the last song and manage the jewelry table.”

She shook her head and smiled. “I have a feeling he and Kirsch are also going to be playing the last song with us.”

I hummed and smirked. “Of course. Another reunion.”

She laughed. “Well it was fun. It’s just been a while since I played and sang in front of our friends.”

“When was the last time you played and sang in general?”

Her eyes darkened with a tint of sadness. “Greece.” She picked up her hot chocolate and took a drink from it. “I should get back to work,” she said changing the subject.

I blinked back the worry that was beginning to surface. “Right. I should head out as well. I have poems to work on for class.”

She smiled and cupped my cheek in her hand. It felt wet from paint and I’m sure I had a smudge on my cheek now. She kissed my opposite cheek. “Have a good night Carm.”

I leaned down and kissed her forehead. “You as well cupcake.”

She let go of me and turned back to her painting. I walked out of the room just as Stereo Hearts by Gym Class Heroes began to play. I smiled and looked back at Laura. She was mouthing along to the lyrics as she stood in front of her painting. I left the room and closed the door behind me. I pressed my fingers to my cheek and pulled them away to see a bit of yellow paint on them. I’ll need to clean my face, but for now I think we’re in a good place.

* * *

 

**_Laura_ **

I carried both cups over to the quad. I stopped by the coffee shop to get a hot chocolate and just decided to get Carm a black coffee since she was nice enough to bring me hot chocolate the other day. I got to the biggest tree in the middle of the quad and peeked around it to see Carm sitting there with headphones on while writing in a journal. I stepped over to her and tapped her shoulder. She jumped then turned to look at me. She smiled and my heart skipped a beat. I wish it wouldn’t. She removed her headphones then closed her journal.

“Hey,” I said handing her her cup of coffee.

“Hey.” She took the cup from me. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” I set my backpack down then sat down next to her. “What were you working on?”

“Nothing really. Just trying to clear my head.” She took a drink from her coffee. “What brings you here?”

I stretched my legs out and crossed my ankles. “Just wanted to repay you for the hot chocolate the other day. Plus I’m ditching art class for today. Wasn’t really in the mood.”

She leaned back against the tree. “Well at least it’s a nice day.”

I nodded my head. “Do you always come out here to write?”

“Not always. Sometimes I lie down and listen to music. Other times I bring a book out here and just read until the sun goes down.”

“That sounds nice.”

“It is.” She held her cup between her hands. “Do you have a place you like to go?”

I leaned back against the tree pressing my shoulder against hers. “I like to hang out on the roof of the Astronomy tower when I need to clear my head.”

“Hmmm…sounds nice.”

“It is. I like to see the colors of the sky as the sun sets and when it rises.”

“I’d prefer to gaze up at the stars.”

“I do that sometimes as well.”

She smirked and looked up at the tree. “I climb this tree until I get to one particular branch that I lay on and can spy through a gap in the leaves and branches out at the stars as if it’s a telescope made specifically for me.”

I looked up at the tree and frowned. “Why do I doubt that such a branch exists?”

“Because you have to climb it to be able to find it.”

I looked back at her to see a grin she was trying to hide behind her coffee cup. “When did you become a tree climber?”

She shrugged. “I get bored sometimes.” She nudged my shoulder with hers. “Besides I bet you did some things I wouldn’t believe during your travels.”

“This is true.” I took a big drink from my hot chocolate and licked a stray drop off my bottom lip. “I went cliff jumping into a waterfall and did some zip lining as well.”

“Bullshit,” she said shocked.

I nodded my head and laughed. “I did. It was very fun even though I was totally scared out of my mind.”

She shook her head. “Alright I don’t believe you.”

“Believe it or not, but I did do it.”

“Uh huh.” She smiled and drank her coffee.

I licked my bottom lip then looked away to drink my hot chocolate. I love being around her like this. It was easy and comfortable. It felt safe and trusting even though I still had some hesitation about trusting her, but she proved on Halloween that she’d do anything for me and I think I fell in love with her a bit more because of that. I reached out and pressed my fingertips against the back of her hand. She turned her hand palm up and I slipped my hand into hers. It scared me how well my hand fit in hers like it was made for me only. She caressed the back of my hand with her thumb. Is it possible to fall deeper in love with someone when you don’t want to? I glanced up at her eyes and found myself getting breathless as my heart began to race. Her eyes were loving and careful as if she was afraid I would run away. I wanted to, but her eyes held me in place. The feel of her thumb caressing my hand kept me in place. Her shoulder against mine kept me in place. Just her herself kept me in place. She was slowly becoming a safe harbor to me and it terrified me. I need to get away.

I slipped my hand out of hers slowly. “I’m going to go. I have my first volleyball practice tonight and I want to get some homework done before then.”

Her eyes reflected her hurt, but she nodded. “Alright then. Good luck.”

“Thanks.” I stood up and grabbed my backpack.

I walked away at a normal pace until I started to feel like I couldn’t breathe. I gripped the strap of my backpack and tried to calm down as I picked up the pace a bit. I wanted to run, but she could still see me and I didn’t want her to see me freaking out. I didn’t want to hurt her. Despite everything, I don’t want to hurt her. I can’t wait until volleyball practice. I need to work out these conflicting emotions.

* * *

 

**_Danny_ **

I stood on the side line of the paintball field we created on the quad and watched as Laura and Carmilla moved through the obstacles that were set up to make the match more challenging taking out the Zetas one-by-one on their way to capture the Zeta flag. They moved seamlessly and as one entity. It pisses me off. How the hell can they be moving around each other and know where the other is as if they’ve never spent any time apart from one another? It was like they had this unspeakable language or pull where they just knew where the other was at all times. It’s infuriating.

How can Laura just start to cozy up to Carmilla like that again? How can she set aside everything she went through because of Carmilla and be close to her again? Why would she open herself up to Carmilla? Does she not care that Carmilla may hurt her again? Does she not care about herself? I tapped my paintball gun against my thigh as I watched them take down a Zeta together. I can’t believe this. It’s ridiculous. Laura is putting herself in harm’s way and for what exactly?

“They seem to be getting along again,” Perry’s voice said from behind me.

I turned to look at her then turned back to look at the field. “It would seem so.”

She stepped up to stand next to me. “I’m not sure I like this development.”

“You and me both Perry.”

“What do we do if Carmilla hurts her again?”

I shrugged and rubbed the back of my neck. “I’m not sure. I don’t think I’d be able to see Laura that lifeless again because of Carmilla.”

Perry put her hands on her waist and pursed her lips. “It’s already difficult enough trying to get her to eat healthier now let alone get her to eat anything at all if she gets hurt again and checks out on us.” She shook her head. “I don’t think they should be getting so close to one another. Carmilla is not good for Laura.”

“I agree.” I shook my head as I watched Carmilla and Laura capture the Zeta flag. Laura jumped onto Carmilla’s back and waved the flag around yelling their victory as Carmilla twirled them around. It made me sick. “If we try to talk to Laura about it she’s only going to push us away.”

“I know.” Perry played with the tips of her fingers. “I just don’t want to see Laura go to the hospital again.”

I wrapped an arm around Perry. “I know. We can only make sure that we’re there for her if anything bad does happen.”

“It’s not right,” she complained.

“It’s also not our life.”

I looked toward the field to see Carmilla with her arm wrapped around Laura’s shoulders. She leaned in and kissed Laura on the cheek. Laura blushed and just hugged Carmilla tighter around the waist. I swear if Carmilla hurts Laura again I will have no problems with giving her a piece of my mind.

* * *

 

**_Laura_ **

I stretched my arms up above my head and felt my back pop. I settled back into my seat and stared at the essay I had been working on for the last two hours. I would have had it done if I didn’t keep distracting myself with sneaking glances at Carmilla sitting next to me. She was leaning her head into the palm of her hand and was mouthing the words she was reading in her philosophy book. I noticed that she only does that when she’s really into the book or has read it before numerous times. I looked away from her and ran my fingers through my hair. I need to stop thinking about her. I need a distraction. I need someone who can take my mind off of her and sleeping with my usual hook ups has not helped at all.

I looked down the table to see LaF staring at me with an eyebrow raised. I rolled my eyes at them and shook my head. I glanced over at Danny and Perry and saw how tense they were. I can’t blame them really. They were the ones who helped me the most after the heartbreak. I re-read everything that I had written so far and began to edit it before continuing to write the next three pages I needed. I scratched my head and sighed as I stared blankly at my screen. I need to fix my thesis statement because now I am stuck with no more to write. I scrolled up to the top and deleted my thesis statement. Forget it. I’ll write it after I finish writing my paper.

There was a thud to my left and I turned to see a brown guitar case covered with stickers leaning against the table. The chair across from me scraped against the floor and I looked over to see who was sitting down. I blinked a couple times then raised my eyebrow at her.

“Melina,” I said.

“Won’t you play me a song?” She asked as she leaned her cheek into the palm of her hand reciting the first words she ever said to me.

I sat up straight and looked her up and down. She let her hair grow out to just above her waist and it fell in waves over her shoulders framing her face that had gotten tanner since I last saw her. Her fingernails were painted a nice sky blue to match the sundress she was wearing. I tilted my head to the side and stared into her playful hazel eyes. She smirked as she stared at me. I looked away and toward the stage.

“I have a song that is stuck in my head, but it sounds better on the electric guitar,” I answered repeating the first words I had said to her.

“I’m sure there is one here somewhere,” she countered.

I got up from my seat and rounded the table to stand next to her. I slipped my fingers under her chin and turned her face up to look at me. I leant down and pressed a soft kiss to her lips. “You’re lucky I need to sing right now,” I whispered against her lips. The exchange took me back to the small café I was sitting in drinking my coffee with my guitar leaning up against the table. It was the first time I had stopped thinking about Carmilla when I looked at another woman. I kissed her again then walked away to go up onto the small stage.

I grabbed the electric guitar from the side of the stage and adjusted the shoulder strap for my height. I struck a couple of chords to tune it to what I needed then lowered the mic so I could sing into it. The room grew a bit quieter as eyes began to focus on me. I took one last look at her before my eyes flitted to see the hurt look in Carmilla’s eyes. Carmilla’s eyes kept flicking between me and her trying to decipher what was going on. Danny and Perry looked surprised, but seemed to be in a better mood while LaF looked disgruntled. I looked down at the guitar in my hands and played a few chords to make sure I tuned it right. I cleared my throat and began to play.

“Hey you. Remember me? Remember love? Remember trying to stay together? My time you took it all and you tried to see. You tried to bring yourself up without involving me.” I sang into the mic as I closed my eyes and let my voice take on a somber tone as I focused on the lyrics. “Forever we tried to make it right. Together we sought the end in sight. Tired of fighting the good fight. If you say the word then I’ll say goodbye. Forever I see you and me forever we tried for you and I. No I never believed in their insight. Just another good reason to get it right.” I opened my eyes and shook my head and twisted my hips getting lost in the lyrics of the song. I spread my legs a bit more and bent down a bit as my voice was taken over by emotions. I opened my eyes and stared right at Carmilla. “Go, go, go, go get out, get out of my memory. No, no, no not tonight I don’t have the energy. Go, go, go, go get out, get out of my memory. No, no, no not tonight I, not tonight, oh not tonight,” I sang pouring all of my hurt into those lyrics. I looked away from Carmilla. “Forever we tried to make it right. Together we sought. I’m tired of fighting,” I sang as I tried to keep the tears inside. I sang the last of the lyrics then slipped the guitar off. I walked off the stage.

“You have a lot of pain for someone so small,” she said as I sat back down.

“I’ve been in pain for far too long,” I answered. I stared into her eyes.

“Uh…Laura who is this?” LaF finally asked.

“This is Melina. A friend from Greece,” I introduced while keeping my eyes on her.

She smiled and looked around the table. “More like summer love,” Melina clarified.

Everyone’s mouth dropped. I cleared my throat. “Love is a strong word Melina,” I cautioned.

She looked at me. “You are right. You could never say the words to me.”

I gulped and stared down at my laptop. “Yes well I am not a fan of those words.”

“Clearly,” she responded with a hint of spitefulness to it.

I saved my essay then closed my laptop. “Where are you staying?”

“In a hostel not far from here.” She stood up and grabbed the guitar case. Her eyes quickly scanned the table landing on Carmilla for a second longer than needed. She flicked her gaze down to me then leaned down. Her lips brushed against my ear. “Want to come over so we may catch up?” She took my ear lobe between her teeth biting it gently.

I fought the urge to close my eyes. “I would enjoy that very much,” I whispered.

“Come then,” she responded dipping her head lower to press a warm kiss to my neck.

I packed up my stuff and stood up. “I’ll see you all later.” I looked at Carmilla. She had her head turned away from me as she looked out the window. Her shoulders were tense and her fists were balled into fists. I looked away and grabbed Melina’s hand. I don’t want to think about Carmilla. Maybe Melina will be a better escape.

* * *

 

**_Catherine_ **

I groaned as I got up from my bed and made my way to the door. “Hold on. I’m coming!” I opened the door and immediately wanted to slam it shut, but looking at Carmilla and how distraught she was had me hesitating to do so. “Carmilla how did you find my room?”

“I saw you exit from here when I was visiting Laura once,” she answered.

“Why are you here?”

“I had no one else to talk to,” she said defeatedly.

I leaned against my door. “Carmilla I can’t.”

“Please,” she pleaded.

I turned to press my forehead against the edge of the door. As much as I want to just turn her away, the part of me that loves her doesn’t want to. I must like to torture myself. I stepped away from the door. “Come in.”

She walked into my room. “Thank you.” I closed the door and took a better look at her. Her eyes were puffy and slightly red. Her hair was a mess of knotted curls and she was wearing purple sweat pants with a black sweater. Judging by the bags under her eyes, she also hasn’t gotten enough sleep. “How have you been?” She asked.

I shook my head as I went into the small kitchenette to grab two cups of coffee. “Please don’t ask me that,” I answered while gripping the coffee pot a bit tighter for fear of dropping it.

“Sorry.”

I grabbed both cups and walked over to her handing her one. “Here.”

“Thank you.” She took the cup in both hands then took a sip.

I sat down cross-legged on my bed and patted the space next to me. “Have a seat.”

She sat at the edge of my bed and focused her attention on the ground. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“For coming to you.” She started to tap her foot. “I just...I can’t go to anyone else because my friends aren’t exactly happy with me right now and Will is busy with his frat stuff. I just. I really just need to talk to someone who doesn’t know anything about Laura and I and who won’t judge me right now. I’m really sorry,” she rambled.

I looked down into my coffee. Yeah I really do like torturing myself. “What’s wrong?”

“Laura’s girlfriend or ex-girlfriend…I don’t know really, but whatever she is, has come here and Laura has just been avoiding me for the last couple of days to be with her. I thought we were getting somewhere, but Laura has just completely pulled back and I think she’s running from me maybe, I don’t know, I don’t even know if she likes me as more than just a friend. I mean she treats me like more than a friend, but I don’t know where I stand with her especially more so now that this girl has shown up out of nowhere and Laura has been spending all her time with this girl. Like I just want her back, but she’s not mine to begin with so what exactly do I do here? We’re not dating, but I just want to claim her, no I can’t say claim her. Laura will kill me if she finds out I said I want to claim her, but like I want her to myself. I want to be the only one to touch her, to kiss her, and to hold her, and everything else, but this girl just took that possibility off the table. Like what do I even do now? What am I supposed to do? Laura won’t answer my texts or calls and I can’t handle it. What do I do?” She rattled off quickly as she tapped her foot rapidly and tapped her fingers against her coffee cup.

I set my coffee down on my headboard and did my best to not pay attention to my bleeding heart. “Did you tell Laura that you loved her or that you wanted to be more than friends?”

“Well no. She would have run away.”

“But she did run away anyway.”

“True, but it’s different. I mean she ran away with this mystery girl, she didn’t run away from me.”

“Are you sure about that?”

I watched as she furrowed her eyebrows in confusion and stared at my room door before realization crossed her eyes. “Do you think she loves me?”

I know she does. “You’ll have to talk to her to get that answer just the same as you will need to talk to her about the wall that sits between you two.”

She frowned and stopped tapping her foot. “I guess so.”

I moved to sit down on the edge of the bed. I can’t believe I’m giving the woman I love love advice for the woman she loves. “I already told you to stop being afraid and you still are. You’re not being clear with your intentions and now you are here. She needs to know how you feel about her or she’s only going to keep running away. I don’t know whether that will get you two to start talking about what is going on between you two or if that makes her run away for good, either way you need to tell her how you feel before it’s too late.”

She looked down at her coffee. “You’re right. Thank you.” She got up and set her coffee cup down next to mine. “Thank you. I’m glad you let me talk to you.”

I couldn’t turn you away even if I tried. “You can’t come to me again.” I stared down at the floor trying to keep my tears in. “It’s not fair to me to have you come to me when you need me when my heart is broken into pieces because of you.” I gulped and looked up at her with fragile eyes. “I can’t handle hearing you talk about Laura in a way I wished you had talked about me.” A tear slowly rolled down my face. “I’m sorry.”

She opened the door and looked at me with sad eyes. “I’m sorry. I won’t come back again.” She turned and left the room.

Once the door closed I buried my face in my hands and began to sob. The sad part about this conversation is that I would open the door to let her in again to talk about Laura so long as I was able to be near her for a moment. I’m pathetic.

* * *

 

**_Laura_ **

I sat up in the hotel bed and watched her move around the room putting her clothes on. “What’s the rush Melina?”

She turned to look at me with concerned eyes. “I do not like being used Laura.”

I tilted my head and furrowed my eyebrows as I looked at her confused. “What do you mean?”

“You used me again. I will not be used again,” she said firmly.

“What are you talking about?” This whole thing was becoming too confusing.

“I will not be the one you run to because you do not want to face the troubles in your life. I am not some…uh…thing you can use and throw away. Either you wish to be with me or you do not, but I am not a toy.”

I sat up straighter and stared at her. “What makes you think I’m using you?”

“Because you are doing the same thing you did in Greece. You go from gentle to rushed and rough in bed when something is troubling you then I am the one who gets hurt and you are the one that feels better. That is what you’ve been doing and that is what you do.” She circled around the room looking for something on the ground.

She’s right, but I’m not going to acknowledge that. “I don’t do that.”

“Yes you do. Instead of talking you choose to cut up your arms by putting your fists through windows or you injure yourself from fighting on the streets. It is the same. You use that and sex so you do not have to talk about it.” She ducked under the bed and pulled out her socks. “If you do not talk about it it will eat you alive.” She threw the socks into her bag before grabbing a clean pair. “No more running Laura. You need to face what you are running from before it is too late to come back from it. Pain is forever, but fear and anger are what end the possibility of living to the fullest.” She shook her bag to make more room in it. “You must let it go. You look more troubled now than at my home. I believe I could change you with time and that you could love me, but these things do not happen. You love, but you love the one who broke your heart. My love healed what was broken, but it cannot heal what is unsaid.” She came over to me and kissed my forehead. “You must be free Laura and find happiness wherever that may be.” She ran her fingers through my hair. “You will not use me anymore. I let you for this week because I love you, but no longer. I am going back to the hostel.” She looked around for more of her stuff. “Face your fears my Laura, it is the one thing that may help.”

I stared at her as she gathered her stuff up into her travel bag. “What if I can’t face my fear?”

She stopped to look at me. “Then your fear and rage will only build until the moment your body cannot hold things in any longer.” She stuffed her bag with a pair of shoes. “And you will never find the peace you deserve.”

“I am fine the way I am.”

She came over and sat down on the edge of the bed next to me. “Women, fights, drinking are not ways to live life and avoid pain. It is a distraction that you must get rid of. I saw the way you looked back at the woman with curly hair that first night at that food place when you said bye. I can see that she is the one who made you a mess of pieces, but I can also see that she is the one who can put you back together.” She reached out and placed her hand over my heart. “You need only to listen to this more and you shall be surprised at what happens.” She stood up and put her hair up in a bun. “I must go now. I have an appointment and I need to check into the hostel now that I won’t have you visiting me and getting me thrown out for being too loud.” She bent down to kiss my forehead again. “Listen to your heart my Laura, it will give you the answers you seek.” She walked back to her bag and slung the strap over her shoulder. “You’re guitar is by the table. Do not forget it.” She checked to make sure she had her passport. “Your heart Laura. Do not fear it.” She opened the door and walked out into the afternoon sun.

* * *

 

**_Carmilla_ **

I stared over at Laura as she laughed with all of the kids as paint got on clothes more than on paper. I watched her help one of the kids make a handprint on a sheet of paper. She then knelt in front of another kid and used a cloth to clean off the paint they had on their cheek. She smiled and laughed with the kids and it was the happiest I had seen her since coming here. She would make a good mom someday if that’s what she wanted. She was so good with kids.

“You look at her a lot.”

I turned to look at Laura’s “friend” Melina. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You look at her like she is the only one in the world,” Melina said as she ran her fingers over one of the necklaces on the table.

“Your point is?”

“She has the same look when you are not watching.” She picked up one of the bracelets with a rabbit on it. “That must mean you are the one who broke her heart.” She set the bracelet back down on the table.

“What does it matter to you?” I asked as I looked her up and down.

“Because I held her at night when she would cry her eyes out, I would take her to the hospital when she put her fists through a window or got in a fight, I did my best to get her to stop locking herself up in her hotel room, I got her to start living again, and because even though she can never say it to me, she did love me in some way. I took care of her and loved her. I put some of the pieces back together.” She moved to stand right in front of me with the table between us. “I got her to smile and laugh again when she was nothing but an empty shell. Do not hurt her again,” she warned then stepped away. I watched her walk away to where Laura was.

I looked down at the table as my jaw clenched. Who was she to tell me shit?

“That seemed intense,” Will said as he came up to me.

“It’s none of your concern,” I snapped.

He raised his hands in surrender. “Alright. I just wanted to tell you we need you on stage now.”

I glared at him. “Do you think I care right now?”

“You agreed to sing, so I don’t care if you care right now. These kids still deserve to hear a song from their favorite band alright.”

I sighed and rubbed my forehead. “What is this charity for again?”

“Child abuse survivors.” I stared at him. He shrugged. “I got to pick the charity this year because I’m new and I chose Child Abuse Survivor House.”

I nodded my head and looked around to all the kids running around happily. I spotted one who was sporting a black eye. I looked away. “Guess I’m trying hard not to think of it.”

“Sometimes we have no choice.”

I stared at him as he slipped his hands into his pockets. “What band did they choose?”

He broke out into a shit-eating grin. “One Direction.”

I glared at him. “You’re fucking kidding me right?”

“Nope. Have fun!” He walked away laughing his head off.

That little fucker. He did this on purpose. I know he did. I watched him meet up with Kirsch and they both started laughing. On second thought, both of those scheming bastards did this on purpose. Will knows that I know only one damn song from One Direction and he totally got Kirsch to help him set me up. Those two can never be trusted when together. Bastards.

I walked away from my table as another Zeta came over to take over for me. I think his name was Theo? I don’t know. Who cares. I have to start planning on how to get Will and Kirsch back for this obvious set up. Oh god. Laura. I looked to the stage and saw her standing by the stage wearing a smile as she played hula hoop with a couple of the kids. She is really adorable.

“Hey,” I said as I got closer.

The hula hoop fell off her waist and she looked up at me. “Hey,” she said a bit breathless.

“Did they tell you what band we’re singing a song from?”

“Yup. Although I don’t see you being a One Direction fan, so I can sing if you want.” She handed the hula hoop to one of the kids and began to walk to the stairs leading up to the stage.

“I know one song actually.” She turned to give me a skeptical look. “Little Things.” She cocked her eyebrow up then began to chew on her bottom lip. Not the ideal song for us to sing to, but it was the only one I knew. I looked down at the ground. Plus it’s the song I played a lot when I would think of her, so I know this song very well.

“Alright. Let me get my guitar.” She walked over toward the back of the stage and picked up the guitar case that ridiculous Melina had brought with her. Laura pulled the guitar out of the case and slung it over her shoulder.

“Isn’t that your friend’s?” I asked as she walked back over to me.

“It’s mine. I just let her borrow it for a bit and cover the case with any stickers from the places she visited.”

“Why?”

“That’s none of your business.” She climbed the stairs up onto the stage. “Come on. We have a crowd of adorable children to make happy,” she said with a bright smile.

“Right.”

I followed her onto the stage and walked over to one of the two mics that were set up at the front of the stage. Laura grabbed another mic and a stool. She sat down on the stool and lowered the mic that was already set up to be at her height before lowering the mic she grabbed herself down to the height of her guitar. She got situated on the stool a bit better and tuned her guitar. I looked out at the crowd and saw that all of the kids were gathered into the space in front of the stage. A couple of people were still going around the different tables and booths. I got a glimpse of Laura’s “friend” Melina hovering around in the back of the crowd. I looked away from her to Laura as Laura plucked a few strings to test the tuning. She looked at me and nodded her head. Forget about what Melina said. It’s just you and Laura right now.

Laura grabbed her mic and smiled wide. “Hey everyone, so we’re going to go ahead and sing Little Things by One Direction for you.” A lot of the kids shouted happily and a few called out to Laura. She laughed and waved at them. I cleared my throat and she looked at me still wearing a warm smile. “Alright everyone get ready!” She adjusted herself on the stool again and began playing.

I wrapped my hands around the mic stand and took a deep breath. “Your hand fits in mine like it’s made just for me, but bear this in mind it was meant to be. And I’m joining up the dots with the freckles on your cheek and it all makes sense to me,” I sang as I glanced over at Laura.

She was staring down at her guitar, but her smile had faded. She was focused on playing as I sang. I did my best to hold back my emotions. “I won’t let these little things slip out of my mouth, but if I do it’s you oh it’s you they add up to. I’m in love with you and all these little things,” she joined me and for a moment our eyes locked as I snuck another glance at her. A small smile played at the corner of her lips. I smiled a bit and tried to keep my heart from racing at the way she looked at me heart warmingly. I need to tell her I love her. She needs to know. She needs to know I’m all hers. I grabbed my mic off the stand and moved a bit closer to her.

I lowered my mic as she glanced up from her guitar and locked her eyes on mine trapping me in her serious gaze. “You’ll never love yourself half as much as I love you. You’ll never treat yourself right darlin’, but I want you to. If I let you know I’m here for you maybe you’ll love yourself like I love you oh,” she sang to me as I moved even closer to her.

I let my fingers tenderly trail down her cheek and along her jaw as I stared into her eyes trying to show her how much I love her. “And I’ve just let these little things slip out of my mouth cause it’s you, oh it’s you, it’s you, they add up to and I’m in love with you and all these little things,” I tried to keep back the overwhelming emotions that wanted to make my voice tremble in front of everyone.

She closed her eyes and pressed a kiss into the palm of my hand before leaning forward to sing into her mic. I let my hand slip down to my side. “I won’t let these little things slip out of my mouth, but if it’s true it’s you, it’s you they add up to. I’m in love with you and all your little things,” she sang. She played a few extra chords before ending the song.

The crowd applauded and cheered, but I was focused on her. Only her. She looked away as her eyes began to gloss over with unshed tears. She stood up and took her guitar off her shoulder. She took a deep breath and turned to the crowd. She bowed and waved at all of them with a strained smile on her face. I looked away from her and did the same following her lead. Everyone was cheering and asking for us to sing another song, but I was more focused on how Laura quickly exited the stage. I looked back and chased her retreating form. She began power walking to the back of the stage. She turned the corner and I reached out to grab her wrist. I stopped her and she turned around to face me.

“Laura,” I said shakily.

Tears were running down her face and she wouldn’t look at me. “Please don’t.”

“Laura please,” I pleaded.

She shook her head and looked up at me with shattered eyes. “Please Carm. Don’t,” she begged around the sobs that threatened to come out.

I moved forward and let go of her wrist. I cupped her face in my hands and wiped away her tears with my thumb. She closed her eyes and grabbed my shirt. She clutched my shirt tightly as I stepped even closer to her until I could pull her into my embrace. I kissed the top of her head. She cried against my chest for a moment before letting go of my shirt. She stepped away from me.

“Laura,” I tried again.

She shook her head again. “Don’t. Please. I beg you,” she pleaded.

I gulped and tried to catch my breath. “Okay,” I got out.

She turned and walked away from me. I watched her walk away. I clutched at my shirt just above my heart as I felt my entire world was crumpling right before me. I clutched at my heart like it was possible to keep myself together. As if I wasn’t falling into a darkened abyss where the light of hope has finally been destroyed after jumping in to take a chance. I'm hitting rock bottom and I don't know how to get out. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can follow me at musictomyearshsau.tumblr.com for updates, frustrating spoilers, and to ask questions and stuff.


	12. Truth Comes Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: mentions of suicide and self harm

**_Klara_ **

I looked up from my phone after I bumped into someone. “I am so sorry,” I apologized.

“It’s ok. I wasn’t paying attention either. I’m looking for someone.”

“Oh.” I took a step back and looked the girl up and down trying to figure out where I saw her before. “Oh wait you’re Laura’s friend from Greece right?”

She smiled and held her hand out to me. “Melina,” she said with a radiant smile.

“Klara.” I shook her hand and felt how soft it was. “I was actually heading over to see Laura if you want to come with me.”

“That would be great.”

“Right. Follow me.” I smiled and headed to the Astronomy building.

She fell into step with me and I allowed myself to get an even better look at her. She was beautiful and seemed like the type of girl who would be up for an adventure and I really like adventures. I opened the door to the building for her and waited for her to step through then I led her to the elevator. I checked my phone again and frowned. Laura still hasn’t messaged me back. This was getting very frustrating. She hasn’t answered anyone for the past two days and her squad of gingers were starting to jump me as if I was Laura’s gatekeeper or something. Again I wish they could take a chill pill and let Laura do what she wants. If she wants to hide for a long period of time then that was her right to do so.

The elevator doors opened and I stepped aside to let Melina out first. I touched her elbow and pointed in the direction we needed to go. She folded her hands behind her back as she followed me to the staircase that would take us up to the roof. I held the door open for her and began to climb the stairs ahead of her. I opened the door to the roof and she smiled shyly at me. I smirked and shook my head. It’s like chivalry has died and people don’t know how to act when someone is chivalrous. I led her over to where Laura usually sat. This time was different though. Laura was sitting on the rooftop gravel and not the ledge while drinking a bottle of bourbon. At least it wasn’t Tequila this time. I don’t exactly feel like stopping a brawl right now.

I kneeled down in front of Laura and reached for the bottle. She let it go and I held onto it as I moved to sit on her right side. Melina grabbed the back ends of her dress before sitting on Laura’s left. I set the bottle aside and adjusted to sit cross-legged. Laura sat there with her knees pulled up to her chest and spread open. She stared aimlessly at the ground.

“I hope you brought sunscreen because it’s pretty hot up here,” I said into the silence.

Laura looked over to me and tilted her head. “That’s how you want to start the conversation?” She asked.

“Well if I asked what’s wrong there was a fifty percent chance you would stay quiet,” I retorted.

She ran her fingers through her hair and looked away from me. “Carmilla is what happened.” I watched her to see if she would say anything else. Instead she stayed quiet. Well this was a good start.

“Carmilla said she loved Laura at the charity event when they were singing together,” Melina said.

I looked over at her curiously. “Seriously?”

She pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around her legs. “It was more the song, but Carmilla sang right to her.”

“Huh.” I sat back and looked at Laura. “So you ran away?” Laura stayed quiet and continued to stare at the floor.

“She did,” Melina filled me in.

“Melina shut up,” Laura said as she tilted her head back.

“Someone’s feisty,” I said sarcastically.

“You too Klara,” Laura groaned as she rubbed her eyes.

“Wow. I’m up here because I was slightly worried about you and instead you tell me to shut up. How much have you had to drink?” I asked.

She scratched her head then looked at me. “Sorry. I didn’t mean it.”

“Right.” I eyed her mildly angry then looked away. “So instead of talking to Carmilla you decided to hide out up here and drink yourself into oblivion.”

“Pretty much,” she responded.

I nodded my head. “Sounds like a great decision.”

She groaned and leaned her head against my shoulder. “I don’t know what to do,” she whined.

“You can do what I told you to do already,” Melina said.

“I don’t want to,” Laura grumbled.

Clearly this version of Laura doesn’t want to do anything. “Laura, you need to stop running away. It’s not getting you anywhere.”

“You need to talk to Carmilla or else things will only get worse,” Melina added.

Laura whined and I rolled my eyes. “Come on let’s get you back to your dorm. You need to sleep.”

“I don’t want to,” Laura complained.

“Come on.” I hooked her arm over my shoulder and lifted her up. I slid my arm around her waist to hold her up.

Melina walked in front of me and opened the doors for me. She then helped me walk Laura over to her dorm. Once I had Laura tucked into bed I sighed. I can only hope Laura figures out what to do.

* * *

 

**_Will_ **

I knocked on the door twice before opening it and walking into her apartment. I shut and locked the door twice making sure it was secure before walking toward her room. I peeked into her room to see that she was curled up in a ball under her bedsheets. I tilted my head and stared. When the hell did she get blue bedsheets? I knocked twice against the door frame before stepping into her room. She didn’t move as I approached her bed. I grabbed the ends of her blanket and yanked them off her forcefully.

“What the fuck?!” She yelled as she sat up.

“Time to get out of bed Carmilla,” I said as I let the blanket fall to the ground.

“Fuck off,” she spat out angrily before falling back against her bed.

“Come on Kitty. You’ve got to get out of this room.”

“Go away!” She threw a pillow at me.

Seriously when did she go from an all-white bedspread to a blue one? “Come on get out of bed you grouch.” I hit her on the leg with her pillow.

She grabbed her other pillow and tossed that one at me too. “I said fuck off.”

I rolled my eyes and hopped onto her bed. “You need to stop this.” She huffed and ignored me. “I mean it Carmilla. This little dance you and Laura are doing where you’re good one minute and then self-destructing the next is getting tiring.”

“Go fuck yourself,” she said hatefully as she got up from her bed.

“Wow really?” I said feeling hurt and getting slightly angry. “You know what, fuck this.” I stood up as she went to her bathroom. I cut her off and she glared at me. “No. Fuck you alright. I’m tired of this. You want to sit here and mope all damn day over Laura instead of fucking girling the hell up and going to be straight with her about your feelings. You honestly think that just singing that song was going to get her to say she loves you? Well guess what it didn’t and instead of chasing after her and telling her from your own damn mouth that you love her, you let her go.” She stepped back and crossed her arms over her chest. “I’m tired of your bitching. Go face her and get her to listen to you even if you have to shout until your lungs get sore. You love her now go fucking do something about it.”

She stared at me blankly and uncrossed her arms. “How long have you been holding that in?”

“Since you fucked everything up in the first place,” I said while putting my hands on my waist.

She uncrossed her arms and ran her fingers through her hair. “If she doesn’t listen then what?”

“Keep trying.”

“And if she walks away and wants nothing to do with me?”

“Then at least you did more than just sit on your ass.”

She rolled her eyes. “Get out Will,” she said defeatedly.

“Fine.” I made my way out of her room.

“Thank you by the way.”

I turned to look back and saw some determination in her eyes again. “You’re welcome.”

She nodded her head and walked over to her bathroom. I made my way out of her apartment and made sure I locked the door behind me. Who says tough love can’t get stuff done.

* * *

 

**_Laura_ **

“Am I better off dead? Am I better off a quitter? They say I’m better off now than I ever was with her,” I sang as I stood there mixing the paint on my palette as music filled the room. I picked up the palette and moved over to my painting and kept singing under my breath. “Dialed her number and confessed to her I’m still in love but all I heard was nothing.”

The door creaked and I turned to see who was coming in. My heart stopped. Carmilla stood there for a second before stepping into the room and closing the door behind her. I looked away from her and walked over to my work table to set my palette and paint brush down. I grabbed my towel and wiped some of the paint off my hands as I tried not to look at her.

“What do you want Carmilla?”

“To talk,” she said hesitantly.

“I don’t feel like talking right now.” I set the towel down and pressed my palms flat against my work table.

“Please?” She begged.

I pushed off the work table and looked at her. “I don’t want to talk to you.”

“Why not?” She stepped closer to me and I took a step back.

“Because I don’t want to talk about anything alright?” I looked away from her vulnerable eyes. “Just run away. It’s what you’re good at.”

“I’m not going anywhere.” I looked back at her and saw some determination in her eyes. “I’ve been doing everything I can to make you see that.” She took a half step closer. “I’ve been doing my best to be here for you and to show you that I’m not going anywhere again. That I am going to be here for you. That I want nothing more than to be here for you.” I gulped as I let her get within a half foot of me. “I can’t stay away from you no more than you can stay away from me.” She reached her hand out and trailed her fingertips down my forearm to my hand. “I love you Laura. I love you. I loved you in high school, I’ve loved you every moment that we’ve been apart, and I’ve fallen more in love with you now than ever before. I love you.” She slid her fingers between mine.

I took in a staggered breath as I saw her love reflected in her eyes. It was suffocating, but soothing at the same time. I took a step back and shook my head. “I can’t.” I pulled my hand away from her. “How do I know you’re not going to just drop me out of your life as if I was nothing again? How am I supposed to trust that you will actually keep your word when you say you’re not going anywhere?” I took another step back from her. “You went from writing me letters every week because you said you wanted to still be a part of my life even if it was in the smallest way possible and then you just disappeared. You stopped writing me for four months before I got another letter from you that finished destroying what was left of me!” I said raising my voice as anger began to course through my veins. “You said you wanted to talk, so let’s talk.”

I balled my hands up into fists. “You want to know what happened after you stopped writing me those four months?” She flinched as my voice got even louder. “I stopped eating, I stopped sleeping, I stopped wanting to get up, I stopped wanting to do anything. Danny had to come over sometimes and physically lift me out of my bed and carry me to my backyard so I could get out of my room and get some air and sun. Perry had to come over every day whenever my father was at work to practically force feed me soup she made because I wouldn’t eat anything else and couldn’t keep anything else down.” I stepped toward her as my anger continued to fuel me. “Then guess what comes after four months? Oh another letter from you. For a split second when I saw it I thought everything was going to be alright. For a moment I allowed myself to feel happy. For one moment I was better.” I unclenched my hands. “Then I opened the letter to find what exactly?” I yelled. “You sent me a letter after four months to tell me that you didn’t love me anymore. That you had fallen in love with someone else and that you could no longer have me in your life. That you wanted nothing to do with me and that you wouldn’t be writing me anymore because it was a burden!” I shouted in her face.

I pulled away as she looked away from me to the ground. “But I don’t know what’s worse to be honest. Getting a letter from you saying that you don’t love me and never want to hear from me again or a letter from Will afterward saying that you were suffering from PTSD and that you were telling him that you didn’t want me to know because you thought I wouldn’t love you anymore.” I felt my own tears sliding down my cheeks. “It didn’t take me long to put it together. You took away my right to say what I wanted for myself. You decided that saying you don’t love me would be easier than letting me decide to continue to love you.” I took a calming breath as I tried to keep the pain from my voice. “It didn’t matter in the end because you had decided that not loving me was easier than letting me in.”

She looked up at me as tears ran down her own face. “After reading both of those letters I didn’t see the point in holding onto anything anymore. I tried to rid myself of the pain by downing a whole bottle of pills. My father found me on my bathroom floor when he got back from work. He then committed me to the hospital. I didn’t eat or sleep and I lost so much weight that they eventually had my dad sign off on a feeding tube. That was just so much fun to go through,” I said sarcastically. I wiped at my tears. “I eventually was able to escape to the rooftop of the hospital because I actually had the strength to use my Krav Maga skills, so I broke the window on the door that opened up to the roof in order to get the door open. I grabbed one of the shards of glass and walked over to the edge of the roof.” I stepped closer to her. “I cut my arms open then climbed onto the ledge and looked down. My eyes began to get blurry and I felt happy because I wouldn’t have to be here any longer. I wouldn’t have to think of you anymore. I wouldn’t have to think about the way you smiled, the way you smelled, the way you laughed, how you sounded when you sang, how you would hold me or kiss me, and how you would look at me.” I lifted my arms up for her to look at. “My father tried to get the scars removed, but you can still see them if you look closely. If you run your fingers over them you’ll feel them.” Her eyes glanced at my arms and she gulped.

“Yeah not a pretty sight is it,” I said bitterly letting my arms fall down to my sides. “No amount of money could ever make them go away and even if they did, the pain will still be there.” I wiped the tears from my eyes again. “You wanted to talk, so there it is.” I grabbed my wallet and keys off my work table and pushed past her.

I walked out of the room slamming the door behind me. I walked quickly down the hall then climbed the stairs two at a time. Once I was outside I sprinted through campus until I got to the known path in the forest. I ran down this path until it was no longer visible. I kept going a bit longer as my lungs demanded air. I eventually tripped over a branch I didn’t clear when I jumped over it and rolled on the ground until I stopped. I lay on my stomach for a moment before pushing myself up onto my knees. I pounded my fists against the forest floor as I sobbed and screamed. Every wound that I fought to bury or had healed burst open and wreaked havoc on my body and mind. I relived every moment and every emotion. Yet despite it all, it felt good to finally tell her. To finally let her know what happened even if it wasn’t everything. It was the important things. I was broken and wounded, but I felt better.

* * *

 

**_Carmilla_ **

I stormed over to the Zeta house with balled up fists. The frat guys all moved out of my way once I entered their house. I ran up the staircase that led to the rooms on the second floor and went over to Will’s room. I tried the door knob to find that it was unlocked and shoved the door open letting it bang against the wall. Will looked up from the textbook he was reading and jumped to his feet as I stalked over to him.

“What the hell Ca-

I cut him off by grabbing him by the collar of his shirt. “Tell me you didn’t know!” I screamed in his face.

His hands came up to grab mine. “What are you talking about?”

“Tell me you didn’t know!” I yelled.

“Know what?” He asked calmly.

“That Laura tried to kill herself. Tell me you didn’t know. Tell me you didn’t know the extent of her depression and that she tried to kill herself,” I plead as I felt my tears trailing down my face again. “Tell me!”

He looked at me compassionately. “I swear I didn’t know. She said everything was fine and that she was busy. She didn’t tell me Carmilla. She didn’t.”

“She didn’t want anyone to know,” Kirsch’s voice said from behind me.

I let go of Will and turned to look at Kirsch. “Why didn’t you help her?” I yelled. “Why didn’t you keep her safe?”

Kirsch stepped closer to me. “You think we just sat there and did nothing?” He said angrily. “We did everything we could for her. I would sneak into her room every night to sleep over and I would make sure she kept breathing throughout the night whenever she could sleep because she was getting so weak. I spent a lot of nights awake with her watching movies and TV shows when she couldn’t sleep. I held her during the nights she would cry her eyes out because of you. I did that for her,” he stated as he tried to calm down. “I did that, so don’t think for one moment that we did nothing for her because I was there. I was there for her.”

I took a swing at him and he moved back just in time. Will’s arms wrapped tightly around me as he pulled me back. “Carmilla!” Will said as he held me against him. “No one’s the enemy here,” he whispered in my ear. “No one is the enemy.”

I let myself be taken over by the pain from everything I had just learned. Laura could have been gone. She could have been gone. I could have lost her because I was an idiot. I could have lost her.

“We did everything to keep her going,” Kirsch said as he knelt down in front of me. “I can tell she still loves you and I want nothing more than you two to be together again because I think only you can heal her in the way that she needs to be healed. It’s always been you and even though Perry and Danny don’t like it, it’s still only you.” He grabbed my hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. “Don’t give up on Laura just yet. She’ll need you now more than before.” He reached up and wiped my tears away with his free hand.

I squeezed his hand as Will kissed the top of my head. There is so much I don’t know. I won’t give up though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you can follow me at musictomyearshsau.tumblr.com for updates, to ask questions, and other stuff. :)


	13. Only You

**_Laura_ **

“Have you talked to Carmilla yet?” Klara asked as she drank her coffee.

“No.”

“Has she tried talking to you?”

I shook my head. “No.”

She looked over to the door and checked her watch for the fifth time in the last two minutes. “Are you planning to talk to her?”

“I will. I just needed some time to calm down and I think she knew that as well.” I took a sip of my hot chocolate. “Who are you waiting for?”

She set her coffee cup down and looked out the window of the café. “Melina,” she said shyly.

I cocked an eyebrow up at her. “Why?”

A blush began to creep up her neck. “No reason.”

I sat back in my seat and tried not to smile. “You like her don’t you?”

She stared at me surprised. “No. No I do not like her. Nope not at all,” she rambled.

My smile widened. “Oh god you do like her,” I teased.

“Shut it Hollis,” she warned.

“Awww…when did this happen?”

She shook her head and glared at me. “Drop it Laura.”

I tilted my head from right to left and bit down on my lip. “If it means anything I think you two would be great together. She does a travel blog and I know you always wanted to travel plus she’s very sweet and caring.”

Klara eyed me suspiciously. “You’re alright with it? Like seriously? I mean she told me that you two had a thing, so I just didn’t want to step on any toes here,” Klara clarified.

I smiled happily at her. “Klara it’s totally okay with me.”

She nodded her head. “Thanks.”

“Of course.”

She set her coffee cup down. “So what are we doing for your birthday?” She asked changing the subject.

“Not sure. I don’t really care to be honest. I just want to have fun and be with all of my friends.”

She hummed in agreement and looked toward the door again. “Are your other friends going to plan something for you?”

I shrugged. “If they are I don’t know anything.”

She nodded. “Alright then. I’ll see what I can do in case they drop the ball.”

I smiled. “Thanks.” I looked toward the door and began to get up from my seat. “I have homework to finish up, so enjoy the rest of your breakfast.”

Klara looked over to the door and her eyes went wide. “Laura,” she plead.

I winked at her and leaned down to press a kiss to her cheek. “You’ll be fine. Just be yourself.”

She gulped and nodded her head. I walked over to Melina and gave her a hug before telling her I had homework to do. I kissed her cheek in goodbye and walked over to the door. I turned back to see Klara get up from her seat and give Melina a hug. They look cute together.

* * *

 

**_Carmilla_ **

I sat on my couch and twirled my pencil between my fingers as I read my book for philosophy class. The professor ended up giving us a ten page paper to write because he got in trouble for not having a big project listed on his syllabus that was a writing component. If it wouldn’t cost him his job, I don’t think any of us in his class would have agreed to write this damn paper. The only good thing is that I get to write it on anything that I want. I heard two knocks on my door before it creaked opened. I looked over my shoulder to see Will come in and secure the door shut before coming over to sit next to me.

“What’s wrong?” I asked him as he settled in next to me.

“Nothing. I just came to check on you,” he said obviously holding something back as he picked at his jeans.

“Will?” I asked questioningly.

He looked down at his pants. “I got another letter from Mother.”

I closed my book and placed it on my coffee table. “And?”

He shrugged. “The usual. She wants to see us both.”

I sighed and shook my head. “She obviously hasn’t gotten the hint that we don’t want to see her. How did she get your address in the first place again?”

He ran his fingers through his hair. “Her attorney Mattie got a private investigator to find me.”

“Does she know where I live now?”

“Of course, but Mattie said she won’t be bugging you at all after what happened last time.”

I stretched my legs out putting my feet up on the coffee table. “She snuck up on me.”

“And you broke her jaw,” he said with a smirk. “Those boxing lessons you took did come in handy.”

“Yeah well I only took them because Mother was still out there, but now that she’s in prison, I can relax.”

He nodded his head. “Things happen in mysterious ways. We couldn’t get her for child abuse, but she got put away for assault.”

I reached over to my coffee table to grab my cup of black coffee. “Yes well at least she’s in jail and out of our lives.”

“Yeah.” We sat there silently for a while. “Do you think she’ll get out?”

“If she does we can handle ourselves better now.”

He ran his fingers through his hair. “So are you going to Laura’s birthday party tomorrow?”

I rested my coffee cup on my thigh. “No. I haven’t spoken to her yet, but I wanted to give her time to cool down before I bring things up again.”

“Understandable. What are you going to do?”

I shrugged. “I’ll find something to do, but I will at least send Laura a gift so she knows I’m still here for her.”

“I think that’d be good.”

“I just hope she doesn’t toss it.”

“Well that’d be one way to figure out whether or not she’s calmed down enough to talk.”

“True.”

“Let’s watch a movie or something.”

I looked over at my book and the five out of ten pages I had written. A little procrastination never hurt. Plus this would give me time to think of what to get Laura.

* * *

 

**_Laura_ **

I sighed as I got off the elevator and made my way to my room. I was tasked to do a ten page paper for art class about my series of paintings due by the time they go up for the student exhibit at the end of the semester as well as having to finish my series along with brief descriptions and titles. I also have to write my final fifteen page paper for English Lit class on _Paradise Lost_. What a way to start my birthday. I’m so looking forward to just sleeping for a bit before Perry and LaF come to get me for my big birthday surprise. I could use a few drinks tonight.

I got to my door and stopped as I looked down to see a bouquet of blue and pink flowers on my doorstep. I looked around me to see if anyone was still there, but the hall was empty. I knelt down and picked up the bouquet carefully to not displace any of the flowers. I brought them to my nose and deeply inhaled their scent. They smelled wonderful and made me smile for the first time since waking up today. I plucked the envelope off of its place holder and flipped it to see the front. My heart stopped for a moment as I read Carmilla’s name scrawled across the front in perfect cursive. I stared at the envelope for a bit before unlocking my door and walking inside.

I slipped my backpack off leaning it against my bed and kicked my shoes off. I placed the flowers on top of my headboard and sat down in my bed. I stared at the envelope some more as I chewed on my bottom lip. Should I open it? Should I read what she wrote or just be thankful she got me flowers? I tapped the envelope against my fingertips. I ran my fingertip under the flap of the envelope before flicking it open. I gripped the edge of the letter inside and held onto it as I debated whether to read it or not. I took a deep breath and pulled the letter out. I set the envelope aside and opened the letter slowly. Her neat cursive matched well with the old parchment style of the paper. It looked like she even used a fountain pen instead of a ballpoint pen.

I gnawed on my bottom lip as I began to read the letter.

_Laura,_

_My wings were ripped from my very soul as I fell from grace. I wandered the lands of purgatory_

_until you brought me back. You showed me life, love, devotion, and security. You showed me how_

_to smile, to laugh, to whine, to grumble, to complain, to want, and to need. You gave me the_

_meaning of home, comfort, safety, and love. As the monster that I am, I stole all of this from you._

_I do not expect you to forgive me. I do not expect you to want or need me. I do not expect you to_

_love me, but I wish to still be with you. I will swim through the depths of all the oceans of this_

_world if you would allow me to be near you for the smallest of moments. I need no air, I need no_

_light, I need nothing if it is not you or with you._

_Your pain cannot be unwritten, it cannot be taken back, and it cannot be forgotten. It is a part_

_of you. It is what has made you who you are. I can wish to take back my decision with every_

_breath I draw into my ever needy lungs, but I cannot change what has been done. What I have_

_done to you. What my decision has caused you. I can only do my best to give. Give you back life,_

_love, devotion, and security. Give back smiles, laughter, whines, complaints, grumbles, wants, and_

_needs. Give back the meaning of home, comfort, safety, and love. I do not need these as much as_

_you do. I will spend every minute of my ever fleeting life giving each of these back to you. It has_

_forever and will always be seulement pour toi._

_I’ll always be true,_

_Carmilla_

 

I wiped the tears from my eyes so it wouldn’t splotch the letter. I re-read it over and over again taking in every word as if I could imprint them into my very being. I folded the letter and noticed that on the back were two words scrawled out. _Pink arbutus and blue violet_. I looked to the flowers and smiled. I got up and went to my desk to boot up my computer. I grabbed the flowers and searched for a big enough cup to put them in until I could get a vase. I grabbed a water bottle that was lying around and cut the top of it off to fit the bouquet in it. I filled it with water then brought it back to sit on my headboard with the flowers leaning against the wall to hold some of the weight. I went back to the computer and looked up the meanings of the two flowers. I shook my head and smiled wide. Carmilla still hasn’t lost her ability to be romantic.

* * *

 

**_Carmilla_ **

I sat down on my couch with my glass of red wine and turned the volume up a bit on my stereo. Soothing music filled the room as I read my book. Not long ago Will had let me know that Perry and LaF were complaining that Laura wouldn’t tell them who sent her flowers. It made me happy knowing that she decided to keep them instead of throwing them in the trash like I thought she would. I looked up from my book to the clock and saw that it was almost eleven. I had been up for almost fifteen hours since I had to finish that philosophy paper because I got the due date wrong. I stared down at my book and sighed. I was almost done with it. I could sit here and finish reading or wake up tomorrow and finish it. I ran my thumb nail along my bottom lip. I might as well finish it now since I’m still awake and don’t have to worry about getting up early tomorrow. I flipped to the next page. I was half way done with the page when there was a knock at my door.

I shut my book and set my wine glass done on my coffee table. No one I knew would be coming over at this time of night when they were all at Laura’s birthday party. I walked over to my door and made sure the chain was on it before opening the door slightly. I about had a heart attack.

“Hey,” Laura said as she stared at me through the crack.

“Hey,” I answered. “One moment.” I closed the door and unlatched the chain to open the door all the way. I stepped aside so she could walk in.

“Thanks.” She walked inside and waited as I locked my door.

“Are you alright?” I asked looking her over from head to toe to see if she was hurt in any way.

“I’m fine.” She pulled on the ends of her black jacket and looked tense.

“You sure?”

She nodded her head. “Yeah. I’m sorry though. I can leave if you want,” she said walking towards the door.

I grabbed her arm. “No. I’m just surprised. I thought you would be at your party.”

Her eyes traveled down to look at my hand. I let go of her arm. She reached out and took my hand. “I was, but I was missing someone.” She looked up at me with weakened eyes. “Can I stay?”

“Of course.” I laced our fingers together and led her over to my couch. “You want some wine?”

“That would be nice.” She sat down and let go of my hand. “Do you mind if I take this jacket off?”

“No. Go ahead and get comfortable.” I grabbed my wine glass and took it to the kitchen to be refilled. I filled a glass for Laura and made my way back to the couch. My lungs refused to work as I saw her outfit in full. She was wearing a beautiful strapless white dress that hung onto her right shoulder and clung to her left upper arm. It had fluffy sleeves and a small white sash tied into a bow on top of the left side of her waist. “Don’t you look like a virgin sacrifice.”

She took the glass from me and smiled as she looked me up and down. “I’m not the one in a corset.”

“Fair point.” I sat down on the couch next to her.

“What was the occasion?” She asked taking in my black corset and black leather pants.

I took a sip of my wine. “I was thinking of going to a club tonight, but decided against it.”

“I’m glad you did.” I stared at her as she set her wine glass down. “I liked the flowers you gave me by the way.”

I smiled shyly as I looked into my wine glass. “I’m glad.”

I looked up at her as I felt her move closer. “I also read the letter.”

I took a sip of my wine before setting the glass down. “I meant every word of it.”

“I know,” she reached out and tucked a strand of my hair back behind my ear. She stayed quiet for a while before finally speaking. “I was hurt by you to the point that I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t stand the thought of not having you a part of my life, so I made the decision to not be in a world where you weren’t with me.” I reached out and took her hand in mine. “It took me a while to figure out how to live without the thought of you constantly plaguing my mind. To figure out who I was and to find my own strength because I had realized that I had relied on you to hold me together and keep me grounded. You see you weren’t the only one who needed someone to love you despite everything. I needed someone too. I just poured too much in you and left myself with nothing.” She pulled her hand back and ran her fingertips along the length of mine. “I will be just fine on my own Carmilla, but I do need everything you mentioned in your letter, but I don’t need them because I don’t already have them. I need them because I want them with you.” She slid her fingers between mine.

It was my turn to stay silent for a while. I cleared my throat and squeezed her hand a bit. “I made the decision to cut you out of my life because I thought you wouldn’t want me anymore after everything that had happened with my mother and then everything I was currently going through.” I rubbed my thumb against the back of her hand. “I was afraid of everything once I moved here. I couldn’t be around the sound of running water or water in general. I hated taking showers because I felt like I was drowning and even passed out a couple of times because of it. I couldn’t deal with loud noises and I would always take off running whenever someone would try to touch me even if it wasn’t in a malicious way. I would flinch whenever I heard yelling and I would start fights with anyone who put their hands on Will. I avoided staircases, but hyperventilated in elevators. It got to the point where I had to stay home, but then that even began to feel like I was trapped in that trunk again.” I looked at our joined hands. “I felt like you wouldn’t want to be with me if you knew. I felt like you would leave me and not look back. I felt like I didn’t deserve to have you in my life if I couldn’t even step foot out of my house.” I looked back up at her. “I have always been afraid that you would leave me when things got too much. I didn’t want you to suffer before you realized it wasn’t worth being with me anymore.”

“That was my decision to make,” she whispered.

I nodded my head. “I know. I just didn’t want to hear the answer in case it was no.” I looked up at her. “But I also couldn’t stand the thought of you loving me when I couldn’t even love myself. I felt worthless and like it didn’t matter whether I was here or not. I relied on you heavily to keep me together when I should have been relying on myself. I still struggle to love myself because of all these scars I have and because I sometimes feel like I’m not worth it, but I keep working because I know I am worth it and that the scars don’t matter.” I pulled her hand up to my lips and kissed the back of it lovingly. “I have done what I can for myself and I wish to be with you, so I will do everything to make you believe that I will always be here for you.”

“You already have.” She caressed my cheek. “I think we need to relearn who each other are though because we’ve missed out on a lot these last three years.”

I smiled. “Fair enough.”

She smiled and stood up. “First though is whether or not you can still dance with me.”

I got up and pulled her to the empty space between my TV and coffee table. “I can do more than just sway side to side sweetheart. I can waltz.”

“Oh can you now?” She asked teasingly.

I smirked and twirled her with my right hand. “Yes. I may not be able to dance contemporary ever again, but I can waltz.” I pulled her close and put my hand on her hip. I began to lead her in the waltz. “You know they used to think waltzing was like sex in 1698.”

“And why was that?” She asked unbelievingly.

I twirled her again and pulled her closer. She interlocked our fingers and glanced down at my lips before meeting my eyes. “People were face-to-face, chest-to-chest, and all the whirling.” I spun us around keeping a hold on her waist so she wouldn’t stumble on my feet. “They thought it might as well have been sex.”

She smiled and pressed closer against me bringing her lips closer to my own. “I can see that.” I glanced down at her lips then back at her eyes. She pulled back and spun me around this time.

I laughed. “I’m supposed to be spinning you around.”

She shrugged and gave me a playful smile. “I think we can tamper with traditional roles seeing as we’re both women here.”

I pulled her close again, but she kept some distance between us. “Ok. Makes sense.”

“What song is this anyway?”

“River Flows In You by Yiruma.”

“It’s nice.”

“It’s one of my favorites.”

I let go of her hand and put it on her waist then I lifted her up into the air. “Carmilla!” She gasped.

I slowly spun us in a circle then brought her down carefully. She put her hands on my shoulders as our noses brushed as I set her back on the ground. “I’ve got you,” I whispered against her lips.

She stared into my eyes with her wavering ones before she leaned in closer until her lips met mine. It was hesitant, but soft. It was loving, but careful. It made my heart race and my body burn. It took a part of me. She pulled away and I chased after her lips wanting to feel her, to taste her some more. I opened my eyes and saw that she still had hers closed. She took in a steadying breath then let it out as she opened her eyes. She searched my eyes as hers became surer before leaning forward to press her forehead against mine.

“And I’ve got you,” she whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can follow musictomyearshsau.tumblr.com for updates, to ask questions, and other stuff.


	14. Just a Start

**_Carmilla_ **

I jolted awake at the loud crashing noise coming from my kitchen and jumped to my feet instantly. I held my fists up in a guard as my heart pounded in my ear. My eyes searched the room until I saw her in the kitchen turn to look at me standing in the living room. She frowned and moved over to me. I took a step back keeping my fists up. She put her hands up in surrender to show she meant no harm. She reached out slowly and placed her hands over my fists. She lowered them down to my sides.

“Deep breathes Carm,” she soothed as my mind began to catch up to what was going on.

My body relaxed as I realized that I was in my apartment with Laura. That I was safe and that Mother was in prison now. I blinked a few times to steady myself. “Sorry. Loud noise set me off,” I explained.

She nodded her head. “Sorry. I just thought I’d make us some breakfast while you were sleeping.”

I nodded my head and ran my fingers through my messy hair. “No. It’s fine. Go ahead. I just need to take my medication.”

“Are you sure?” She looked at me full of concern.

“I’m sure cupcake. Go ahead and make breakfast. I’ll be back out in a moment.”

“Alright.”

I walked past her keeping my head bowed down to stare at the ground. My heart was still racing as I made my way down the hall to my bedroom. I walked into my room and made my way to my bathroom. I pulled the mirror away to reveal my medicine cabinet above my sink and grabbed my medication. I filled the cup resting on top of my sink up with water and took my medications then placed them back in my cabinet upside down to remind myself that I took them today. I closed the mirror and began the rest of my routine for the morning. I washed my face, brushed my teeth, and combed the knots out of my hair. I tapped my fingers against the sides of my sink. I am alright. I will be alright. I am alright. I will be alright. I walked out of my bathroom back to the kitchen.

Laura hummed as she made some eggs while a pile of bacon sat on a plate cooling down. I leaned against the hallway wall and watched her move around the kitchen. She had her hair up in a bun as she wore one of my Guns and Roses T-shirts with some black pajama pants with grey skulls all over them that she folded at the bottom so she wouldn’t be stepping on the ends since she’s shorter than me. Watching her move happily around the kitchen while humming reminded me of the time her and Will had made breakfast that one morning after they had won that band competition. It was the first time waking up in that house that I didn’t wish to be anywhere else but there.

“You graduated from singing to humming while you make breakfast?” I said.

She stopped and turned to look at me tilting her head to the right. “I still sing sometimes. I just didn’t want to make too much noise after earlier.”

I moved away from the hallway over to the kitchen. “Sorry about that.”

She turned off the stove. “Don’t apologize for things that are apart of you.” She took the pan off the stove and poured the scramble eggs out onto two plates.

I leaned against the island and watched her. “I just feel bad that that’s how you get to start your day.”

She placed a few pieces of bacon on each plate then turned to look at me with a serious gleam in her eyes. “You have started your day like that how many times now?”

I crossed my arms over my chest. “More than I could ever count.”

“Then this morning is nothing compared to all the mornings you have had to go through until now regardless of if I am here or not.” She grabbed the plates and set them down on the island. She cupped my face in her hands. “I’m here. I didn’t leave.”

I stared into her soft gaze and nodded my head. “Okay.”

“Okay.” She released my face and walked around the island to sit in one of the bar stools.

I walked over to the fridge and grabbed the orange juice out of the fridge. I opened the cabinet right next to it and grabbed two cups. “Did you sleep well?” I set the cups down on the island and poured juice for the both of us.

“I did, but I would have been fine sleeping on the couch.” She grabbed her cup of juice and took a sip from it.

I sat down next to her. “I can’t have my guest sleeping on the couch. What kind of host would I be?”

She shrugged. “That is true.” She took a bite of her bacon. “Do you kiss all of your guests?”

I almost choked on my juice. “What?”

She looked at me. “Do you kiss all of your guests?” I looked at her disbelievingly. The corner of her mouth turned up into a sly smile. She took another bite of her bacon.

“Very funny,” I tried not to smile.

She nudged my shoulder with her own. “That’s what you get for calling me your guest.”

“Then what should I call you?”

She chewed her food slowly. I watched as her body tensed up. “Do you have plans for today?” She asked changing the subject.

“Laura. What do I call you?”

“I think we should watch a movie,” she continued with her change of conversation.

“Laura,” I said more assertively.

She set her fork down making it clatter against her plate. “Not now Carm,” she said as her hands squeezed into fists.

“Why not?” I set my own fork down and stared at her as her body got tenser.

She chewed on her bottom lip for a bit. “Because I’m still angry with you,” she finally admitted. “I’m still pissed off that you made the decision that you did without involving me. I’m still pissed off that you didn’t want to tell me what was really going on with you. So no I don’t want to discuss what our relationship is right now because I’m still trying to figure that out myself,” she said as I listened to the anger build up in her voice.

“Then talk to me about this,” I plead.

She shook her head. “Leave it alone Carm.”

“I’m not going to leave it alone. You’re still pissed off at me then fine be pissed off, but talk to me about it instead of keeping it all bottled up.”

“What are you my psychiatrist now?” She said sarcastically.

“Laura. I don’t mean it that way.”

“Then how do you mean it Carm?” She stood up from her bar stool and moved away from me. “What do you want me to say?”

I turned in my seat to look at her. “I want you to tell me why you’re so angry. Not just that you hated my decision and that I kept things from you because that does not sound like the whole truth, so what is it exactly. What is pissing you off so much?”

She balled her hands into fists. “Leave it alone Carm.”

I stood up from my seat. “Why so you can continue to hold it over my head?” I began to get angry. “Why are you really pissed off?”

She shook her head. “You don’t get to do that.”

“Do what?”

“Get angry!” She yelled. “You have no right to be angry.”

“I have no right?” I yelled. “Who are you to tell me I have no right to get angry? You’re refusing to talk to me and instead want to continue to make me feel like shit for something I did three years ago. You want to move forward then fucking tell me the whole truth!” I demanded.

Her arms began to shake as her fists clenched as tight as possible. “You questioned my love for you!” She shouted. “You questioned my love for you! Alright. There you happy now?” I stared at her wide eyed. “I’m pissed off because you didn’t think I loved you enough to stay by your side. I’m pissed off because you made the decision based on the assumption that I wouldn’t want you anymore. I’ve always wanted you. I’ve always loved you.” She jabbed a finger at her chest. “I stayed and loved you after you told me about Ell and what happened after she broke up with you. I loved you and stayed after you told me about your mother. I loved you more than anything and accepted everything about you, but you threw that out the window after you moved here. You treated my love for you as if it was nothing!” She pointed her finger at me. “You had no right to assume how much I loved you and then throw it all away.” Tears began to fall from her eyes. “When did you stop believing in me? When did you stop trusting me? When did you stop loving me enough?” She asked as her body sagged with sadness. She turned and walked down the hall to my bedroom.

“Laura!” I called as I followed her. “Laura!” She disappeared into my room and slammed the door shut. “Laura!” I knocked on the door. “Laura open the door!” I jiggled the door knob. “Laura please!” I begged as I banged on the door. “Laura!” I pressed my forehead against the door. Fuck.

* * *

 

**_Laura_ **

I pressed my back against the door and slid down to the floor. I pulled my knees up to my chest and hugged them tight. I pressed my forehead to my knees and let myself cry. Why did she leave me that way? Why did she stop loving me? Why did she stop believing in me? Why did she think I would leave her? Why? I allowed for my sobs to take over my body as these thoughts ran through my mind.

“You’re able to face me and tell me the truth, but always run away before I can say anything. Could you please let me in so I can talk to you face-to-face,” Carmilla begged. “Please Laura.”

I stood up and unlocked the door. I moved away from the door and sat down on her bed pulling my knees back up to my chest and hugging them tightly. The door opened slowly as she hesitantly came into the room. I looked down at the floor. She knelt down before me and looked up at me to gain my attention. I didn’t look away even though I wanted to. I didn’t want to hear what she had to say because I didn’t want to hear that she didn’t love me. I didn’t want to hear that she lost faith in me. I didn’t want to hear that she stopped trusting me. I didn’t want to hear anything.

“Last night you said that you poured everything into me and left yourself with nothing,” she began. “I did the same with you. I gave you every part of me that I could. I depended on you to always be there for me in order to keep me sane despite what my mother did or said to me. I depended on you to keep me together. When I got here, I didn’t have you by my side to depend on. I didn’t have you here with me to reassure me that everything was going to be alright and to remind me that you loved me.” She looked away. “The only thing I was left with was the last words my mother told me which was that I was not a good girl and that only she could ever love me unconditionally. I counted on you to keep that shadow from taking over me. When I moved here, you were gone and I let those words play in my mind over and over again because I didn’t have you by my side.”

She looked back up at me. “I loved you and I knew that you loved me, but I let my mother’s words pray on my insecurities. I told you last night that I was always scared that you would leave me. That wasn’t a lie. That thought got worse when I moved here because now we had distance to deal with. I couldn’t walk down the street to see you and feel better. I couldn’t reach out and touch your hand in order to reassure me of the fact that you were still here. I couldn’t turn to look at you and have you look at me and have your look chase my fears away. I didn’t have you here with me.” Her eyes began to glisten with tears. “Not a day goes by that I don’t regret my decision. I knew deep down that you loved me and would accept every part of me without question, but the pieces of me that were strong enough to fight against my mother’s words in my mind were tied and left with you. The pieces I brought here with me were the ones that my mother controlled which were the ones that believed every word she said.” I wiped the tears from my eyes and let go of my knees to sit cross-legged.

She took in a deep breath and let it out calmly. “I know that this doesn’t excuse what I wrote in that last letter I sent you. I know it doesn’t excuse the fact I let you believe I didn’t love you. It doesn’t excuse the fact that it made you feel like I stopped believing and trusting you, but I can’t really explain very well what was going on in my head. I just know that I had put too much dependence on you to keep me together and when I began to get better I realized I could never do that again because I need to keep myself together.” She reached out and placed her hands on top of mine. “I know saying I’m sorry is never going to be enough, but I am sorry.”

“I can’t trust you,” I said.

“I know,” she answered.

“This isn’t going to be easy.”

“I don’t expect it to be.”

I took a deep breath and looked away from her. She will either be my greatest downfall or my greatest fortune. “Can we watch a movie or something?” I said wanting to change the subject.

“Okay,” she said looking at me knowingly, but willing to drop the subject. She stood up and went over to her dresser where her laptop was resting. I scooted back toward the pillows and pulled one onto my lap and placed another one behind my back. She brought the laptop over and sat down next to me. She pulled up her Netflix account and handed me her laptop. “Choose what you want.”

I exited out of her Netflix and pulled up her web browser. I did a quick search for _Spirited Away_ and clicked on the website I always go to to watch the movie whenever I forgot my DVD. I pulled the laptop onto my lap to rest on top of the pillow and angled it so she could see it. “I wonder if our breakfast is still warm?”

“I doubt it. I’ll just order a pizza or something,” She shuffled a bit closer to get a better look at the screen. “A Disney movie as usual I see.”

“It’s a Japanese animated film actually,” I corrected.

“What’s the difference?”

“You’ll see.” I pressed play and pushed away the rest of my anger.

* * *

 

**_Carmilla_ **

“Alright no more movies. We’ve been watching movies since this morning and there is only so much take-out I can eat,” I said shuffling out of the bed to stretch out my back. I looked over to the clock on my night stand and sighed. It was ten twenty-two. We have been in bed all day watching these animated movies that were actually great, not that I would ever admit that since I don’t want people thinking I like animated films.

“Well you were the one who kept asking me to play another one, so it was actually your fault we stayed in bed all day eating take-out,” she pointed out. “Which means I found animated movies that you don’t dislike.”

I groaned and turned back to see her crawling over to me. I gulped at the sight. “I don’t like them. I just wanted to find out what other movies you liked.”

“Sure you did.” She hopped off the bed and stretched out her limbs before heading over to the balcony.

I followed her and looked out into the night sky. “I didn’t like them,” I reaffirmed.

“Uh huh. Sure,” she teased.

I shook my head. “What do you want to do?”

She looked at me. “What is there to do?”

“We can go for a walk,” I suggested.

She leaned against the railing. “What’s your favorite color?” She asked abruptly.

“Black.” She gave me a pointed look. “And blue.”

“What’s your favorite food?”

“Pizza.”

“What’s your favorite flower?”

“A rose.”

She stayed quiet for a moment. “Yellow, cookies, and daisies.”

I smiled. “Can I take you out on a date sometime?” I asked.

She looked at me and leaned her cheek into the palm of her hand. “I thought this was a date.”

I chuckled and shook my head. “My apartment is not a very good date spot.”

“No, but we did eat and watch movies all day, so I consider that a date.”

I licked my bottom lip. “Then let me take you out on a second date.”

“What makes you think I want to go on a second date with you?” She bit down on her bottom lip. I just stared at her highly confused. She stood up as she started laughing. “I’m kidding. I’d love it if you took me out on a date.”

“Not funny creampuff.”

“Your face was just priceless though,” she teased.

I rolled my eyes. “Yeah yeah.”

She smiled wide and poked me in the side. “Mind if I stay over again?”

“Sure.” I turned my back to the railing and leaned against it. “What’s your favorite movie?” I asked. If she could ask random question then so can I.

“Princess Mononoke.”

“What’s your favorite book?”

“The whole of the Harry Potter series.”

“Favorite TV series?”

“Doctor Who.”

I tilted my head back to look up at the sky. “Unbroken is my favorite movie right now. I can’t choose a favorite book because I read a lot of poetry books along with philosophy ones and I don’t really watch TV shows.”

“You never could pick a book.”

I smirked. “Why pick a favorite when there are so many different ways to say one thing?”

“Fair enough.”

I looked at her. “You are still a mirage in the distance of the desert I cross.”

She looked at me curiously. “What does that even mean?”

I shrugged. “That’s for you to figure out creampuff.” I pushed off the railing. “I’m going to head to sleep though before you pull me into another movie marathon.”

“That’s not fair Carmilla,” she complained.

“A lot of things are not fair,” I answered.

She huffed and shook her head. “Always the mysterious one.”

“Yet easy to read,” I said.

I walked out of the room and headed to the couch. It still felt like she was holding something back, but after this morning I can do with ignoring it for a while.

* * *

 

**_Laura_ **

I stayed on the balcony staring blankly out at the city and the stars. She is so confusing sometimes and her being a poetry minor is not making things easier; although she can be easy to read even though she likes to play the dark and mysterious one. I chewed on my bottom lip and ran my fingers through my hair. I should get some sleep, but I can’t seem to calm down so I can actually do that. I walked back into her room and looked around. I closed her laptop and set it back on her dresser before going through her drawers in search of paper and a pencil. I sighed as I pulled open the last drawer and was glad to see that it was filled with pencils, pens, markers, and other stuff. I pulled out a couple of pencils and was about to close the drawer when a small box caught my eye. I pulled the drawer open all the way to get a better look at it. It was a small black jewelry box. I reached out to grab it, but stopped short of it. Do I really want to know what’s in that box? I stared at it for a while longer before shutting the drawer. No, I don’t. At least not now.

I went over to her nightstand to check for pieces of paper. I got lucky and there was a spiral notebook in there. I opened it up and saw that the pages were filled with words already. I scanned them and realized that they were her poems. Some passages were written down neatly while others looked rushed. Some looked unfinished and others were only a sentence long. I flipped through the pages seeing that almost the entire notebook was filled. I let my fingers trail across the most recent page. These ones were the most frantic looking ones compared to the others. I flipped the page to a clean one deciding not to invade her privacy by reading her poems.

I tip toed down the hallway to the living room. She was lying there with her left arm tucked under her head and her right hand resting by her face. She had her blanket pulled up to her waist and she looked to be deeply asleep now. How long had I stayed out on that balcony? I crept closer to her until I was close enough to see the details of her face. I sat down cross legged on the floor as quietly as possible so I didn’t scare her awake again. I brought the pencil down to the notebook paper and began to sketch out her sleeping face. I used my finger to smudge some of the lines to make them softer and to add shading to other areas. I must have sat there for about an hour before I was fully satisfied with how the drawing came out. I leaned back against the palm of my hands and stared at her.

She looked so peaceful for someone who has been through a lot. I wonder if that’s how I look when I sleep. Do I look peaceful or do I look like I went to hell and back to be where I am now? I looked down at the drawing I made of her and smiled. She was an unspoken poem. No words could really ever nail down who she is. As she said earlier, there are many ways to say one thing. What does my drawing of her say?

I got up from my spot and winced when my ankle and back popped hoping that she didn’t hear it. I looked at her and was thankful that she didn’t even stir. I padded down the hallway while closing the notebook shut. I entered her room and slid the notebook back into her nightstand and put the pencil back where I found it. I stared at the jewelry box again. I tapped my finger against the drawer then shut it. I climbed into her bed and pulled a pillow close to my chest to cuddle. We still have a long way to go.

 


	15. A Date with You

**_Laura_ **

“Maybe I should change my dress,” I said as I looked in the mirror.

“For the hundredth time, you’re fine,” Klara said.

“You look good Laura. Do not worry so much,” Melina added.

I looked down at my blue dress with the different colors of blue polka dots all over it and my black stockings. “I don’t know,” I mused.

“Laura don’t make me throw this pillow at you,” Klara complained.

I turned to face them both. They were sitting down on my bed looking through a travel magazine. “Are you sure I look okay? I mean I don’t want to go overboard, but I also don’t want to be too underdressed,” I worried.

“Laura you look beautiful. Now stop worrying,” Melina said.

I chewed on my bottom lip and looked back at the mirror. I reached over to my headboard and grabbed my magnifying glass necklace. No matter what anyone says I think it’s cool. “Maybe I should just cancel the date.”

Klara sighed. “Oh my God if you don’t go on this date I will hit you with your pillow repeatedly until I get tired,” she warned.

I looked over at her and glared. Melina was trying to hold back a laugh, but was failing. “You two are not helping here.”

“We helped you pick a dress and stopped you from running to the hills. I think we’ve helped you enough,” Klara explained.

Melina reached over and started to play with the ends of Klara’s hair. “You are fine Laura. Trust us,” Melina said while smiling brightly at Klara.

“I guess, but this is so stressful. I haven’t been on an actual date in a long time,” I groaned as I moved to sit down in my computer chair.

“It’s not that hard. You go, eat food, talk about random stuff, come home, kiss, and then go to sleep,” Klara outlined.

“Why does there have to be a kiss in that outline. It’s the first date,” I said incredulously.

Klara’s eyebrow shot up questioningly. “Do you not want to kiss Carmilla? I mean you said you two kissed already.”

I tucked some of my hair behind my ear. “I was hesitant to kiss her that first time and I still am. It’s not easy for me even though I really want to,” I admitted.

“And I understand that Laura, but you can’t be hesitant forever or this is not going to work,” she pointed out.

I folded my hands in my lap. “I know.”

“Do not think about the past. Only focus on this date and things may end well,” Melina said.

I nodded my head and let out a calming breath. “Ok. I think I can do that.”

There was a knock at my door and I began to panic. “Laura get your door,” Klara said.

I chewed on my bottom lip and stared at the door. “Breathe Laura,” Melina said.

I nodded my head and stood up to go get my door. There was another knock before I pulled the door open. My heart nearly jumped out of my chest. Carmilla was wearing a black shirt with fringes for sleeves, form fitting yellow and black pants with her signature combat boots, and her hair was in waves framing her face. I forgot how to breathe. I looked to her face and saw her eyes travel back up my body while she bit her lip. She stood up straighter and met my eyes.

“If breathing wasn’t a requirement for sustaining life; my lungs would cease working every time I gaze upon you until the moment I close my eyes to sleep,” Carmilla said then drew in a deep breath.

I felt the blush creep onto my cheeks and tucked my hair behind my ear again. “You uh…you look um…beautiful as well,” I stammered.

The left side of her mouth turned up into a half-smile. “Shall we get going?”

“Uh yeah…yes of course.” I grabbed my small purse and slung the strap across my chest.

“You better have her back at a reasonable hour!” Klara called from behind me.

“We’ll be waiting up, so do not get any bright ideas,” Melina added.

“Oh my god,” I whispered.

Carmilla laughed. “I’ll have her back before eleven,” she said playing along.

“Better make it twelve. We’re not that old that we can’t stay up that late,” Klara answered.

“Okay leaving now,” I said grabbing Carmilla’s hand and shutting the door close behind me. Carmilla was still laughing as we walked down the hall. “It’s not funny.”

“Of course it is sweetheart.”

“Ugh…” I shook my head as she interlaced our fingers.

She smirked. “I’ll have you back before midnight before your chaperones come after me with pitch forks and torches,” she joked.

“Careful, I might just order them to,” I said playfully.

She smiled widely and ran her thumb over the back of my hand. “I don’t think I’d mind so long as I get a kiss for my troubles.” Her eyes darted down to my lips then back up to my eyes.

I looked down to her lips as well. “Don’t get ahead of yourself.” I looked away.

This was going to be an interesting night.

* * *

 

**_Carmilla_ **

I pulled the chair out for her and waited for her to sit down before pushing it in slightly so she was closer to the table. I walked around the small table to my seat across from her and sat down.

“Such a gentlewoman,” Laura commented.

“I try to be,” I replied.

“What can I get you ladies?” The waitress asked.

“Your finest red wine for me,” I answered.

“And you ma’am?” The waitress asked Laura.

“I’ll have the same,” she answered.

The waitress left. I looked to Laura. “I didn’t know you liked wine.”

“I’ve had my fair share of it while traveling,” she answered.

“So you drank wine, went cliff jumping, and zip lined. What else have you done on this trip you took?”

She unfolded her napkin and placed it on her lap. “I visited a lot of old gothic mansions, churches, oceans, rode a motorcycle, and some other things.”

“A motorcycle? Really?”

She shrugged. “I wanted to try different things besides don’t think I didn’t see that picture of you with Will in front of some motorcycles that you have on your dresser in your room.”

I smirked. “I like doing dangerous things sometimes.”

“Right.”

“Did you do anything else?”

She took a sip from her water before answering. “I painted, went dancing, played music, and went bike riding through the cities.”

“That sounds like fun.”

“It was,” she said while holding back the rest of that sentence. “What did you do?”

“I raced motorcycles and still do during the summer, I bartended and still do, played for some local symphonies and tried out for the national one, and have been in school.”

“Did you not get into the national symphony?”

“No. They said I sounded like I was missing something, so I haven’t gotten in. I am going to audition again though.”

“It’d be nice to watch you play.”

“If I get in you’ll be the first to know.”

The waitress came back with our wine and we took that time to look down at our menus. We stayed in a comfortable silence as we decided what it was we wanted to have for dinner. The waitress came back once more and took our orders. I drank my wine as I stared at Laura order her food. She tucked a strand of her hair back behind her ear. The waitress took our menus and retreated back to the kitchen to put in our orders. Laura looked at me and blushed. She glanced down at the table as she picked up her wine glass and took a sip. This was going well so far.

 

 

 

 

 

“Okay so snowboarding, camping, and skydiving. Is there anything else you do for fun?” She asked as we walked down the street holding hands.

“I also teach at a bartending school over the summer.”

“Wow. Impressive.”

“I had to start living once I had the majority of my PTSD symptoms controlled.”

“I guess I’m not the only one with that thought process,” she pointed out.

“No, I guess not.”

She leaned in closer to me. “Can I ask you something that may freak you out?”

“Alright.”

“What happened to your mother?”

I sighed and clenched my jaw tightly. “She ended up finding Will and I at my grandparents’ place. She tried to take us by force, but my grandfather got home in time and threatened to have her arrested if she didn’t leave. From there my grandfather and some of his friends in the police force started taking and picking Will and I up from school. Last year I was living in a different apartment when my Mother’s attorney Mattie came over and told me my Mother had been arrested for assaulting one of her dancers on stage. She thought everyone had left, but a stage hand had stayed behind to give the dancer a ride home that night.” I took in a deep breath and stopped us. “The stage hand reported my Mother for what she did and then she was arrested. Mattie wanted me to pay for her retention in order to represent my Mother and my Mother thought I would pay, but I told Mattie no and that I hope my Mother rots in prison.”

“And Will?”

“He’s happy that Mother’s gone as well although he hates whenever Mattie visits him or Mother sends him a letter. I told him to move, but he doesn’t want to. He just wishes that Mattie would bother me instead, but she won’t since I accidentally broke her jaw because she snuck up on me.”

“You broke her jaw?” Laura asked disbelievingly.

“I took boxing lessons for just in case Mother came back, so when Mattie snuck up behind me I swung and broke her jaw. Now she won’t see me which is great because I hate being bothered anyway.”

“Wow so boxing lessons huh?”

“I’m sure you kept up with your Krav Maga.”

She smiled. “I did. It helped a bit with clearing my head.”

“Can I ask you something now?”

“Sure.”

“How did your dad react to everything?” I asked.

She tightened her grip on my hand. “He avoided me as much as possible. He would visit to see how I was doing of course, but it was mostly Perry and Danny there at the hospital with me. LaFontaine helped me with homework and Kirsch kept me busy with watching movies and making sure I slept. JP would come by and just listened to me talk. When I got out of the hospital, they spent a lot of time at my house and I spent a lot of time going to random house parties and getting drunk a lot. My father spent some time with me, but took extra shifts especially during October.” She looked down at the ground. “I don’t exactly know how to fix our relationship right now when he can’t even look at me let alone be around me for any length of time.”

“So I take it you’re not going home for winter break?”

“No. I’ll probably go home during summer or something.”

We started walking again back to her dorm. We stayed silent and I caressed her hand with my thumb. It was a comfortable silence and we didn’t really feel the need to fill it with anything unimportant at the moment. It’s weird to hear that her father pulled away so much. I mean I knew he pulled away during October, but to pull away so much when she needed him the most was hard to believe. Although he did lose his wife, he probably just couldn’t handle sitting on the side line not knowing how to help his daughter and to keep from losing her too. It still isn’t a reason to not be there to support her. No matter what, he should have been there for her just as much as her friends were.

We crossed under the gates onto campus. “Did you ever fall in love with anyone?” She asked suddenly.

We walked toward her dorm. “No. I had a few relationships, but nothing serious enough for me to say I loved them. I actually never said the words ‘I love you’ to them which is why some of them broke up with me.”

“Why else did they break up with you?”

“They said I was never there even when I was.” I looked down at the ground. “What about you?”

“No. The closest I got was Melina, but even then it wasn’t really love; at least not the way she needed it.”

I nodded my head. I wanted to change the subject because this was a bit too heavy even though she brought it up. “Tell me something new.”

“I already told you everything.”

“Somehow I doubt that,” I mused.

She smiled and shook her head. She stayed quiet as she gnawed on her bottom lip searching for something. “I like sushi.”

“Tell me something old.”

“Why does this line of questioning sound familiar?” She asked.

“It probably is, but tell me something old.”

“I still have Harry Potter marathons.”

“Tell me something you like that is blue.”

She started laughing. “Are you serious?”

“What?”

“Something new, something old, and something blue.” She nudged my shoulder. “That’s a wedding tradition. You turned them into questions.”

I smiled innocently. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Sure you don’t,” she said while rolling her eyes.

I smiled. “Well?”

“Well what?”

“What do you like that’s blue?”

“The sky.” She tugged on my hand a bit. “Your turn.”

“I unfortunately own a boat, I still play the piano whenever I can, and my notebook filled with poetry.” I smiled. “Which I just recently noticed that someone drew a picture of me sleeping in.”

“I wonder who did that,” she said trying to feign innocence.

“Right.”

We walked into her dorm and climbed onto the elevator. She leaned her head on my shoulder for the short ride up to her floor. The doors opened up and I escorted her to her room. We stopped in front of her door and I didn’t want the night to end just yet. I wanted to go back outside and walk around some more, but all good things must come to an end.

“Thank you for tonight,” she said.

“It was my pleasure,” I answered.

She leaned back against her door. “I’ll see you tomorrow hopefully?”

“Of course.” I stared into her eyes and saw the wheels turning. It looked like she was struggling to decide whether or not to kiss me right now. I was still holding her hand, so I pulled it up to my lips and kissed the back of her hand. “Goodnight.”

She smiled and blushed. “Goodnight.”

I stepped back so she could open her door. She gave me an embarrassed wave before closing the door. I walked down the hall back toward the elevators. I think tonight went well.

* * *

 

**_Laura_ **

I closed my door then turned to my bed. Klara and Melina were sitting on my bed with headphones stuck in their ears and a laptop balanced on Klara’s lap. They were both staring at me with questioning eyes. I slipped out of my shoes and moved toward my wardrobe to grab my pajamas.

“Well?” Klara asked.

“Well what?” I asked.

“How did it go?” She asked.

“Oh…eh,” I answered.

“Are you serious?” She asked as I heard her shut the laptop.

I turned to the both of them. I bit down on my lip to stop myself from smiling. Melina’s eyes widened. “It was great wasn’t it?” Melina asked excitedly.

I broke out in a smile. “It was,” I admitted.

“Awesome!” Klara said.

“Did you two kiss?” Melina asked.

I looked down at the ground. “No. She uh…she kissed my hand and wished me goodnight.”

“That’s a waste,” Klara said.

Melina gave her a playful slap to the knee. “Do not be mean. Laura isn’t ready for that and it’s nice that Carmilla noticed,” Melina said.

“Thank you Melina,” I said while glaring at Klara. She stuck her tongue out at me and I glared harder. “It was a good date nonetheless.”

“Well I’m glad,” Melina said.

Klara started scooting off my bed. “It’s good to hear.” She came over to me and gave me a big hug. “I hope everything goes well for you. I really do.” She kissed my forehead.

“Thank you.”

“Alright let me get a hug as well,” Melina said wrapping her arms around us both and making it a group hug.

I laughed and reached up to hug her. “Thanks Melina.” I let them both go. “Now get out of here so I can take a bath and get to sleep.”

“Is that any way to treat us after we stayed up waiting for you?” Klara said placing her hand on her chest and faking being hurt.

“Thank you for waiting up like concerned parents,” I said playfully. “Now go home.”

Klara laughed and gave me another hug. “Goodnight Laura.”

“Goodnight Laura,” Melina said giving me a hug as well.

“Have a goodnight you two.” I watched them leave before I went to take my shower.

It was a great night. I haven’t felt this happy in a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can follow me at musictomyearshsau.tumblr.com for updates, to ask questions, or other random stuff.


	16. Day Trip

**_Laura_ **

I stood in the middle of my room in front of my blackboard that I propped up on an easel and stared at the snapshots of my paintings that I took so I could arrange them for the showcase during exam week. I finished up the write ups for each of them and finally got my essay done so all I have to do is arrange my paintings and get them set up. The only problem is whether or not I want to put them in order of how I traveled to each country or if I want to arrange them dependent on the landscapes or color. Whatever I choose I can’t go back. I rearranged the pictures on the board to sort them out by color. It seemed so cliché, but so does just putting them in order of when I visited each country. I sighed and rubbed my forehead. This is so stressful and I’ve been at it all week.

There was a knock at my door and I ran my fingers through my hair. “Come in!” I called out. I peered around my blackboard to see Carmilla peek her head into the room.

“Hey,” she said and stepped inside holding a bag in her hand.

My eyes traveled down taking in the dark purple shirt that made her skin look fairer and black leather pants that hugged her curves deliciously paired with her usual black combat boots. I snapped my eyes back up to her face and tried not to linger too long on looking at her lips that had a touch of red lipstick on them. I wonder how I’d look with the lipstick painted across my body as kiss marks. I mentally shook myself. “What brings you by?” I asked.

She walked over to me. “Perry said you hadn’t come out of your room at all today, so I thought I’d bring lunch over to you.” She held up the bag of food she had in her hand before placing it down on my desk. She turned her face to stare at my blackboard. I stared at the expanse of her neck and her sharp jawline. I tilted my head slightly as I took in her side profile. She’s a picture of beauty. “What are you working on?” She asked snapping me out of my thoughts.

I reached my fingers out to touch the pictures of my paintings. “I’m trying to see what arrangement would work best for my exhibit at the end of the semester for my art class.”

She leaned a little closer to my blackboard squinting her eyes a bit and stared at the pictures. “Tell a story that isn’t about your travels.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well if you were to make this a story what would you want it to say?” She pointed to the painting of the gothic castle on a hill from Germany and the church from Spain. “You can tell the story historically based on the year when the buildings were built or possibly the story of Romeo and Juliet where they escape from their homes to meet at the church and then go from there.”

I stared at my pictures and followed her fingers as they moved from one picture to another. “Possibly, but that seems clichéd.”

“Aren’t all things a cliché waiting to be written?”

I stared at her and saw the intensity in her eyes knowing she was talking about more than just my paintings and Romeo and Juliet. “Maybe, but isn’t it better to keep the best clichés unwritten?”

“Yes, but there are more ways to write a story than simply on paper.” Her eyes flickered down to my lips then back up.

I looked away and cleared my throat. “I’ll figure it out later,” I said while gesturing to the board.

“I’m sure you will. For now you need to eat and then maybe we can do something together?” She asked hopefully.

“Maybe.” I turned to my desk and pulled the food containers out of the bag. “What exactly do you have planned?”

“That’s a surprise.”

I opened up the food container and took a big bite of food. “Give me a hint.”

She grabbed her food and smirked. “Nope. You just have to come with me and find out.”

I looked at her skeptically. She leaned back against my desk with a smirk still plastered on her face. “Alright. I’ll go.”

She smiled. “Good. Wear your brown boots and some jeans.” I quirked my eyebrow up at her. “Have faith in me.”

“Alright,” I said somewhat worried at what she had planned.

* * *

 

_**Carmilla** _

I leaned against the wall across from her door and waited for her to change out of her boy shorts and grey tank top. The door opened and she stepped out into the hallway wearing a pair of tight blue jeans, a white button up with a black blazer, and her brown boots. I watched her push the sleeves of her blazer and shirt up to her elbows making her look infinitely hotter than before. The way her pants clung to her body made me want to run my hands along every curve to familiarize myself with the wonder that she is. I bit my bottom lip as my eyes moved back up to stare into hers. I shoved off the wall and released my lip from between my teeth once I saw her eyes flicker down to stare at it.

“Ready to go?”

Her eyes met mine and a slow intense burn made its way down my spine. “After you since you won’t tell me what we’re doing,” she said with a lower tone to her voice.

“You’ll see.”

She reached out for my hand then laced our fingers together. I let her decide how much physical contact we were going to have. The more she allows me to touch her the more I know she is getting comfortable with me again and the more I know she is beginning to trust me with more of herself. It’s not an easy thing because I just want to envelop her in my arms and hold her all the time or kiss her whenever I can, but she doesn’t trust me and I understand that. I’ll take what she is willing to share with me.

I led her out to the parking lot behind her dorm and let go of her hand to hurry over to the pair of motorcycles sitting there waiting for us. I grabbed my helmet and stood next to my motorcycle. I turned to see her eyes had gone wide with shock. I smiled and leaned a bit of my weight against my motorcycle. She stayed rooted where I let go of her hand and her eyes traveled the length of Will’s motorcycle. I got him to let me borrow it for today which was easy when I told him it was to help Laura relax since she’s been stressed out. His helmet sat on top of his seat and the keys were left in the ignition. He must have just dropped it off now.

“Are you going to stare at it all day or hop on?” I asked.

She looked up at me. “Are you serious right now?”

I smirked. “Yes.” I stood up straight and tied my hair into a low ponytail then straddled my motorcycle. “Now hop on and follow me.” I pulled on my helmet. “Or you can stay here,” I offered.

She quickly moved over to Will’s motorcycle and swung her leg over it to straddle it. She pulled on the helmet and started the motorcycle. “No way I’m staying here.”

“That’s what I thought.” I started my motorcycle and revved it a bit before pushing the visor of my helmet down. “Try to keep up.” I kicked the kickstand up and took off down the parking lot. I could faintly hear her complain behind me, but she soon caught up.

I turned onto the street then took off toward the highway. I shifted gears as the wind whipped against my body. She pulled up beside me then pulled ahead. I lowered myself down and shifted gears again blowing right past her. I glanced back to see she had lowered herself as well and was chasing after me. I smirked and kept up my pace making sure to slow down at turns. After a while I slowed down and began to enjoy the ride taking in the scenery around me. She pulled up next to me and fell in line with my speed. She sat up and began to take in the scenery as we continued down the road slowly. I leaned down again and speed off ahead of her. It wasn’t long until she started following me trying to match my speed again.

I led the way until getting to my usual spot at the side of the mountain to look down at the expanse of the valley I just drove through. I slowed my motorcycle to a stop then turned it off. I pulled off my helmet and lowered the kickstand. I looked behind me to see her coming up the last turn. I swung off my bike and placed my helmet down on the seat. I yanked the rubber band out of my hair and shook my hair out combing out the knots with my fingers. I walked over to the edge of the mountain and leaned against the railing. I looked out at the valley as I listened to her turn her engine off. It was a couple of crunching gravel steps before she was standing next to me. She placed her hands on the railing and looked out into the valley.

“Wow.”

I looked at her and smiled. “This is one of my favorite places to go when I find that I need a moment to lose myself. The ride up here and then this view does a lot to clear my head.”

“I can see why. It’s beautiful.”

I stood up straight and gripped the railing in my hands. “I thought you might need to clear your head a bit before finals started in two weeks especially since you have your first exhibit coming up.”

Her eyes wandered around the scene before us for a while before looking to me. “Thank you for sharing this with me.”

“I wouldn’t want to share it with anyone else.”

She turned her back to the scenery and leaned it against the railing. She grabbed my hand and tugged me closer. “Come here please.”

I obliged and moved to stand in front of her. She tugged on my shirt and pulled me closer as she tilted her head up to me. I placed my hands on the railing on either side of her and leaned down until our lips met. Her hands slid along my stomach until they rested on my hips. Where our last kiss was unsure and hesitant, this one was slow and gentle. This one was calming and caring. This one was strong and needy. It was demanding. I pressed the tip of my tongue against her bottom lip and her lips parted slightly. I slowly slid my tongue into her mouth giving her the chance to change her mind. My tongue pressed against hers and her fingers clenched my shirt tightly as a low moan escaped her throat into my mouth. I stepped closer to her pressing more of my body against hers. Her hands let go of my shirt in favor of slipping under it to press against my back. Her nails scratched lightly against my lower back. She slowly pulled away capturing my bottom lip between her teeth. She released my lip then looked up at me.

“Sorry,” she whispered.

“It’s alright.”

We stared into each other’s eyes. “Thank you,” she suddenly said.

“For what?”

“For knowing what I needed without me having to say it,” she answered.

I leaned down and pressed a kiss to her forehead. “Of course.”

She wrapped her arms around my waist and held me close. I wrapped my arms around her and held her against me.

 

 

 

 

 

I leaned back against my seat and watched her tie her hair up into a ponytail. Her hands moved with delicacy and strength as she gathered her hair up in one hand then began to twist the rubber band around it. I munched on a fry as I watched her pour ketchup onto one side of her plate before beginning to eat her fries. She looked up at me and I saw how the light from the setting sun filtering through the window lit her eyes up from their usual chocolate brown to more of a hazel color. She was a picture of beauty that no amount of words could ever describe perfectly. My eyes traveled down until they caught the slight hint of her scar on her collarbone that peeked through her shirt now that she had unbuttoned the top buttons because she had gotten hot.

I glanced back up to meet her curious eyes. “May I ask you something?”

“You just did,” she teased.

I smirked. “You know what I mean.”

She smiled. “What do you want to know?”

“How did you get that scar on your collarbone?”

She took in a deep breath and sat back against her seat. She chewed her fry slowly and looked out the window. It was a while before she finally spoke. “So SJ and Kirsch broke up after trying a long distance relationship for a year. SJ decided that it was just too much because of the time difference and them only seeing each other during the summer when they were back at home. Kirsch tries to reason that everything was fine and that they were alright, but SJ was adamant about her decision even though she loved Kirsch. Then she had come home for our high school graduation week to see Betty and Elsie and the rest of us and went to one of the many parties being thrown. At the time I had been known to go to all of the parties and get very drunk and then drive myself home even though I wasn’t completely sober to do so, but that night I didn’t feel like celebrating like everyone else so I was sober and at home for once.” She began to trace circles against the table top. “SJ ended up giving me a call to pick her up because I was one of the only people who could understand where she was coming from and also wouldn’t lecture her, so I got in my car and went to pick her up.”

I reached out with the palm of my hand facing up toward her and she began to trace circles against it. “I was making a left turn when the next thing I know we were hit on SJ’s side of the car and I was lying on my left side against the road with my window broken.” She took a deep breath and got control of her quivering voice. “I got out of my seat then did what I could to make sure SJ was alright. I checked her breathing and her pulse and that was all good. Then I remembered that my car was probably leaking gas, so I climbed through the front windshield and checked. I had to pull SJ out of the car while trying not to do more damage to her than was already done because a lot of gas was pouring out of the car. I ended up cutting my collarbone and breaking it when I tried to free SJ’s leg of a piece of metal from her door before I could get her out.”

She looked away from me to the window. “Kirsch got to the hospital along with everyone else and they all thought I had been driving drunk with SJ in the car, so they blamed me for the accident even though I told them I wasn’t even at the party and that I hadn’t been drinking. They didn’t believe me so I just let them continue blaming me. I stayed to make sure SJ was going to be alright before I decided to go to the airport and hop on a plane to leave. I didn’t say bye to anyone or try to explain myself and the accident anymore. I just got on a plane and left because I needed to get away from everything and everyone for a lot of reasons.” She placed her hand flat against mine with her fingers resting on top of my wrist. “Apparently they finally accepted the truth of what I was telling them the entire time after the trial had revealed everything and the other driver was put in jail. That’s why Kirsch doesn’t hang around me that much and Perry is angry with me along with the bits of avoidance from everyone else because I left without a word and they didn’t get to apologize for not believing me.” She tapped her fingers against my wrist. “I was a mess. Everything reminded me of you, I was making so many wrong decisions, and they couldn’t believe me which is why I left. I needed to disappear and figure everything out.”

She pulled her hand away from mine. “I’ve been fine now. Obviously I still have some issues with drinking that I need to deal with, but for the most part I’m alright so long as it’s not October.”

I nodded my head. “That explains why everyone tends to be awkward around you.”

She shrugged. “I put myself in that position. Now I’m just trying not to put myself in that position again.” She leaned forward and picked at her fries.

I bit down on my lip and sat there quietly for a moment as she ate her fries. I began to tap my foot against the floor. “I had been secretly seeing my Mother before the incident where she tried to take me and Will from our grandparents. She found me first and because I wasn’t in such a good place and felt that I needed her because she was the only one who wanted me, I would meet with her. Everything seemed fine at first and I thought she had changed in the time we had been separated. The day before she tried to take me and Will, I had met her at the apartment she was renting like usual only she wasn’t the nice and loving person I had been meeting with. She was the person who put me in the hospital. She beat me again and I ended up with a few broken ribs that I did my best to hide. I had a hard time after that because a part of me still loved her because she’s my Mother and we did have some good memories together, but at the same time I knew what she had done wasn’t right.” I looked down at the table. “I know I probably shouldn’t love her, but I do. I just realize that she’s not a good mother and that I don’t need her in my life.” I picked at the table with my fingernail. “You must think I’m ridiculous.”

“We can’t choose who are parents are and even if they are horrible there’s still a part of us that loves them and wants them to love us, so no I don’t think you’re ridiculous. You’re just human.”

I met her eyes and saw the understanding they held. “Thanks.”

She reached out her hand and I met it at the middle of the table. “What else did you have planned for us today?” She asked thankfully changing the subject.

“I don’t know. I was going to ask you what you wanted to do.”

She tilted her head to the side and thought for a moment. “I have an idea.”

* * *

 

**_Laura_ **

“Laura why do I have to close my eyes? I’ve been to your studio before,” she said as I guided her down the stairs of the Lustig Building to where my studio was.

“Because it’s a surprise.” I placed her hands on my hips and walked slowly ahead of her. I opened the door to my studio and looked around to make sure everything was still the way I had left it. I shut the lights off and smiled. “Alright open your eyes.”

“Whoa.”

I leaned back a little bit and she moved forward wrapping her arms around my waist. “You like?”

“When did you find the time to do this?”

I looked around at all of the glow in the dark paintings of trees, galaxies, stars, and numerous other things. “Sometimes after painting because I have to, I need to paint because I want to.” I stepped out of her arms and turned to face her. “Plus I like creating my own personal playground.” I smiled playfully. “There’s a scaffold at the end with stars painted on the ceiling above it.” I stepped closer to her and whispered against her lips. “Race you.” I took off running into the maze of paintings.

“Laura!” She shouted.

I hid behind one of the paintings and watched as she followed where I had gone. She walked through the paintings one by one stopping to look at every one to take in the details. I followed behind her taking care not to startle her. She touched a few of the paintings and let her fingers run along the much longer ones. I bit down on my lip to keep from laughing when she bumped into a wall. She ducked under one of the paintings I had hanging on a steel wire then climbed over one I had painted on top of a desk. She got trapped in a dead end of paintings that depicted the Milky Way. She turned back and ended up in another dead end that depicted paintings of all of the planets. It didn’t take her long to realize she had to climb up onto a scaffold through a hole on its floor. I watched her climb through the hole then waited before following her. I leaned against the railing of the scaffold as I looked down to see her walking through the next maze of paintings.

I followed right behind her watching her eyes light up at the pictures of the galaxy and the smile that formed on her lips when she passed by a series of cartoons I had made up or my paintings of cookies. I had spent a lot of time painting these and another amount of time walking through the maze I had made using them. It was a different thing to see the glow of the paintings play across her face. It made me itch with the desire to reach out and trace my fingers along her skin forming a paintless portrait that only I knew the details of. She got to the end and climbed the painted ladder of the high scaffold to the top. I waited until she got to the top to climb up the ladder. She stood in the middle of the scaffold with her head tilted back to stare at the ceiling. She smiled widely up at the stars I had painted on the ceiling.

“It’s beautiful,” she whispered.

I kept my eyes on her. “It is.”

She looked over to me with her radiant smile. “Thank you for sharing this.”

I walked over to her then sat down. “Of course.”

She lay down next to me and stared up at the ceiling. I tilted my head back and stared at the stars. After a while she began to hum to herself. “Where did we start? I can’t remember at all. We used to fit together now we’re falling apart,” she began to sing. I leaned back against the palm of my hands. “You say nothing’s wrong well I’m alright and I know dreams are darker in the night and I say don’t let it go, lets hold on tight, but you know only we can make it right.” She kept singing allowing her voice to get louder as she sang through the song. “You think you’re so clever. You know I know you better. We need to run around someplace we can’t be found.” I smiled and looked down at her. She kept her eyes trained on the ceiling. I lay down next to her and took her hand in mine. She began to rub her thumb against mine. I closed my eyes and just listened to her sing. “Let’s get lost. I don’t want to lose you baby. Let’s get lost. Find our way back together.”

I turned and rested my head on her shoulder. She finished singing and we stayed laying there in the comfortable silence. I let go of her hand and scooted closer to her. She moved her arm and wrapped it around me. Her fingers rubbed lazy circles against my back as I rested my hand on top of her stomach. It wasn’t long until I felt myself falling asleep.

 

 

 

 

 

“Thank you for today. I really needed it,” I said as I leaned back against my door with my hands on her hips.

She leaned in closer and rested her forehead against mine. “Thank you because I also needed it.”

I tilted my head up and pressed a soft kiss to her lips. “I’ll see you later.”

She kissed me then stepped back. “I’ll see you.”

I watched her as she walked down the hall and climbed onto the elevator before I stepped into my room. I went over to my desk and picked up my phone. I decided to leave it here before I left with Carmilla because I really didn’t want to deal with anyone today. I turned it on and looked through the text messages. Klara wanted to know if I had finished with organizing for my exhibit, Perry wanted to know where I disappeared to, and I had several missed calls from my father. I sent a text to Klara saying I needed some help and then one to Perry letting her know I was alright and back in my room. I put my phone back down then went to take a shower and get ready for bed before I decided to call my father back.

I sat down in bed with the phone pressed to my ear once I finished getting ready for bed. _“Laura?”_

“Hey dad. What’s going on?”

I heard him sigh. _“I was just calling to see how you were doing.”_

“I’m doing alright. I was just out all day today.”

_“What were you doing?”_

“Nothing really. Just went sightseeing.”

_“Who did you go with?”_

“Just a friend.” It wasn’t really a lie since Carmilla and I are friends, we’re just not girlfriends.

_“That’s good to hear. Glad you’re getting out and having some fun.”_

“Yeah. I needed the break today.”

_“Speaking of breaks, when is winter break?”_

“Mid-December, but I was planning to just stay here over break and go home for summer.”

There was a moment of silence. _“That sounds good to me. I’m probably going to be very busy this break and might have to work on Christmas.”_

“I figured,” I lied. I honestly don’t know how to be around him and I’m sure he has no idea of how to be around me either.

_“Well if anything changes just let me know and I’ll book your flight for you.”_

“Thanks dad. I appreciate it.”

_“No problem kiddo.”_ I heard the engine of a car starting. _“I have to go now. I just wanted to check up on you.”_

“Thanks dad. I’ll call you later.”

_“Alright sweetheart. You have a good night.”_

“I will. Love you.”

_“Love you too.”_

I hung up my phone and placed it on top of my headboard. I lay down in bed and hugged my yellow pillow to my chest. Despite having to talk to my father, today was a good day. I climbed in under my blankets and snuggled my yellow pillow again. It wasn’t the same as snuggling Carmilla, but it will do. My phone vibrated and I reached up to grab it. I unlocked the screen and saw it was a text from Carmilla.

**Carmilla [11:12 PM]: Goodnight creampuff**

**Me [11:12 PM]: Goodnight Carm. Thanks again for today.**

**Carmilla [11:13 PM]: Thank you too. I had a good time.**

**Me [11:13 PM]: Me too. I’ll see you later**

I waited for her to answer, but after ten minutes I put my phone back on top of my headboard. She probably fell asleep already. My phone vibrated just as I was starting to fall asleep. I unlocked the screen and pulled the message up.

**Carmilla [11:31 PM]: My hand will ache with the phantom feeling**

**of yours in mine. My heart will wait at the edge**

**until our next adventure begins. I shall dream**

**of you with me until I can be enveloped in your**

**warmth again. My breaths shall be uneven until**

**yours can fill the space between them. I wait for**

**you to wake from the sweetest of dreams until**

**then, dream a dream of wondrous galaxies that**

**only you can see.**

I couldn’t stop myself from smiling as I read the message over again.

**Me [11:32 PM]: How do you not run out of words to say?**

**Carmilla [11:33 PM]: Words can be arranged in many different ways**

**to say many different things or one specific thing.**

**Me [11:33 PM]: You amaze me.**

**Carmilla [11:33 PM]: You enchant me.**

**Me [11:34 PM]: Goodnight my poet.**

**Carmilla [11:34 PM]: Goodnight my artist.**

I turned my screen off and plugged my phone into its charger. I love my poet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can follow me at musictomyearshsau.tumblr.com for updates, asks questions, and other random stuff.


	17. Option

**_Laura_ **

**Carmilla [4:44 PM]: What are you up to?**

**Me [4:44 PM]: Studying with Danny in the library.**

**Carmilla [4:45 PM]: Sounds exciting.**

**Me [4:46 PM]: Do I detect some sarcasm there?**

**Carmilla [4:47 PM]: No…**

**Me [4:47 PM]: What’s wrong?**

**Carmilla [4:53 PM]: Nothing**

**Me [4:55 PM]: Then why did it take you so long to answer?**

**Carmilla [4:57 PM]: I don’t want to push you.**

**Me [4:57 PM]: Meaning?**

**Carmilla [5:02 PM]: I don’t want you to push me away if I say**

**I want to see you.**

**Me [5:10 PM]: I want to see you too.**

**Carmilla [5:11 PM]: You do?**

**Me [5:17 PM]: Yes. I’m actually not feeling well to go out though.**

**Carmilla [5:20 PM]: I’ll head to your dorm. When will you be done?**

**Me [5:21 PM]: Around 8.**

**Carmilla [5:22 PM]: Alright then. I’ll see you.**

**Me [5:31 PM]: I’ll see you too.**

I placed my phone down on the table and leaned my chin into the palm of my hand. I tapped my pencil against the table top as I scanned through my English Lit notes. I glanced up to see Danny sitting there stiffly and looking annoyed. I stopped tapping my pencil and continued to stare at her. It’s been pretty tense the entire time I have been texting Carmilla. If she hadn’t have taken this class before I wouldn’t be studying with her in the first place. I set my pencil down and sat up straight.

“Alright what’s the problem?” I asked.

She glanced over at me and shrugged. “What do you mean?”

I rolled my eyes. “There’s obviously an elephant in the room right now, so what’s the problem?”

She stayed silent for a moment then sighed and leaned back in her chair. “Look I love you and Carmilla, but I love you separately and definitely not together as a couple.”

“Why not?”

“Are you really asking me that?” She glared at me and shook her head. “I took care of you after she left you in pieces. Do you know how hard it was to see you so broken because of her? You know how much I wanted to fly here to Austria and give her a piece of my mind?”

“But you’re her friend now.”

“Yes I am because she was honest with us and I understood why she did what she did even though I didn’t agree with it because of what it did to you. I forgave her for her, but not for what she did to you and I will not sit here and watch you go through this whole thing with her all over again. I don’t want to see you that broken again if she decides to leave you. I don’t want you to get hurt.” Her glare softened to one of concern.

I sighed and rubbed the side of my neck. “It’s my decision to make.” I leaned back against my chair. “I can’t say I won’t be hurt if she backs out or leaves me, but what happened last time when she did isn’t going to happen this time. I’m not that same person. I don’t need Carmilla in order to be alright. I don’t need her in order to be happy or to keep myself grounded.”

Danny sighed and folded her hands on top of the table. “I can’t talk you out of it can I? No matter what I say or what I bring up about what happened last time, you’re still going to stay her girlfriend?”

“First of all, I’m not her girlfriend. Second, no. I am not going to change my mind, but I am being more careful this time. I’m not letting my emotions for her dictate what I do or how close I get to her. I’m more cautious this time because if she’s going to leave, she’s not going to leave with a big part of me.”

“Is there any part of you that hates her?”

“There is a part that is angry with her, but I don’t hate her. I know I should or that a part of me should have hated her, but I don’t.”

She sighed. “I don’t want you two to be together, but I can’t stop you. I just want you to be careful.”

“I will be.”

She nodded her head and ran her fingers through her hair. She went back to going over her notes and I looked down at my notebook. I’m not that same person I was in high school. I’m not going to let Carmilla leaving me destroy me like that again. I’ll be fine without her even if I don’t exactly make the right decisions all the time. At least I can keep myself grounded and don’t need someone else for that. Although, being with Carmilla makes me feel like I’m fully planted on the ground and that I can make the best decisions even if sometimes I will make mistakes. She may be cautious, but she doesn’t treat me differently after everything I told her about what happened after she left. She makes me feel like everything is alright. I stared at my phone and picked it up. She makes me feel something when I don’t feel anything at all.

**Me [5:52 PM]: I need you.**

**Carmilla [5:54 PM]: Where are you?**

**Me [5:54 PM]: Library. I’ll meet you at my dorm.**

**Carmilla [5:55 PM]: Be over soon.**

I tucked my phone into my pocket and began packing my stuff up. “I’m going to head out. I’m not feeling well.”

“Is it what I said?”

I shook my head and tucked my hair behind my ear. “No. I’ve just been having an off day since I woke up. I’m going to go relax in my room.”

“Want me to walk you over?” Danny closed her notebook and reached for her backpack.

“No. I’ll be fine. I just need to rest is all.”

“Alright. If you need anything text me or Perry.”

I slung my backpack onto my shoulder. “I will. Have a good night.”

“You too.”

I waved goodbye and headed out of the library.

 

 

 

 

 

I had just changed into my pajamas when there was a knock at my door before it slowly opened. “Hey,” I said as Carmilla opened the door all the way and stepped inside.

“Hey.” She locked the door behind her and dropped her keys onto my headboard. “I brought you some cookies.” She held up the packet of cookies.

I took the cookies out of her hands and placed them on the headboard. “Thanks.”

She quirked her eyebrow up. “You never refuse cookies. Is everything alright?”

I sat down and grabbed the bottom of her shirt pulling her over to stand in front of me. I opened my legs and pulled her to stand between them. I wrapped my arms around her waist and leaned my head against her stomach. “I’m just very tired.”

Her fingers slowly began to thread through my hair. “What can I do to help?”

I pressed my chin against her stomach as I looked up at her. “Can we just lie down and sleep?”

“Of course.” She stopped playing with my hair and slipped out of her shoes.

I scooted back on my bed to lie against the wall and she climbed in after me. I put my hand on her waist and tugged. She moved closer and wrapped her arms around me. I cuddled into her and tucked my head under her chin. She began to run her fingers through my hair again. She scooted a bit closer until we were fully pressed against one another and tangled our legs together. I wrapped my arms around her waist and held her close. Her body was warmer than my own and she smelled of the oak trees on the quad. I closed my eyes and relaxed into her. Her fingers kept mindlessly threading through my hair while the silence was filled by the sound of us breathing. It was all very soothing and I could feel tiredness finally making its way into my body. I felt completely comfortable. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt this relaxed and at ease.

* * *

 

**_Carmilla_ **

“Look who finally decided to come watch Laura play,” LaF said as I took the seat next to them.

“I didn’t exactly feel like I was wanted,” I answered.

“Things must be going well with Laura if you feel alright being here now then.”

“Things are better.” I shed my coat off and placed it on top of my knee. “How has she been playing?”

“She and Danny are the stars of the team as usual. If they win this game and the one after finals week they’ll be able to move onto nationals.”

I nodded my head. “That’s good to hear.”

“Yup. She’s actually been playing a heck of a lot better recently as well. If she keeps it up, she may even get picked up to play professionally.”

“That’d be great.”

“I know, but I’m not sure if she’ll go. She’s all about getting her degree and what not. I know Danny turned down an offer last year because it conflicted too much with school.”

“And here I thought the Amazon would be dying to represent the USA in volleyball,” I said sarcastically.

LaF swatted my arm and shook their head. “She was pissed, but she knows what she wants. As for Laura, who knows,” LaF’s eyes gave me a once over as I heard the way their voice got curious at the last part. The double meaning was not lost on me.

“Whatever she chooses it’s her decision to make and not anyone else’s,” I responded.

They nodded their head. “Agreed, even though some may protest.”

“I expect nothing less when it comes to Laura,” I said as Perry sat down on the other side of LaF and gave me a slight glare. “Speaking of which,” I whispered under my breath. LaF patted my knee then grabbed the drink off the tray of snacks Perry brought with her.

“Carmilla,” Perry said curtly.

“Ginger one,” I replied.

“What brings you to the game?”

“I thought I’d catch one before finals and winter break started.”

“Well you’ve had all season to watch the games, why now?”

I clenched my jaw and tried not to glare at her. “That’s none of your business.”

“It’s just odd is all,” she placed a piece of popcorn in her mouth.

“I think I’m going to sit somewhere else.” I gripped my coat tightly and began to stand up.

“Carmilla come on,” LaF pleaded.

“I’m clearly not wanted here,” I stated.

“Already running away,” Perry said offhandedly. LaF gave Perry a death glare and Perry shrugged.

I stared at Perry with clenched fists. “Why don’t you just say what you really want to say?”

Perry chewed her piece of popcorn then wiped her hands with a napkin. “How long are you planning to stay with Laura so I can prepare myself for when you decide to walk right out of her life again?”

I shook my head and pressed my fingers to my forehead before shaking them out in a “what the fuck” manner. I stared hard at her. “Are you serious right now? If I was planning to walk away I would have done so by now. If I wasn’t serious about Laura I wouldn’t have tried to be with her. I would still be trying to talk myself out of it and doing what I could to stop feeling the way that I do about her. If anyone is going to leave this time, it’s going to be her because I’m not going anywhere.”

“What makes you think I will ever believe you?”

“You don’t have to believe me. The only one who does is Laura.” I opened my arms wide inviting her to say anything else. “You have anything else to say or are we done here? I have a game to watch.”

She straightened up. “Don’t you dare hurt her. She doesn’t need that in her life again. Once was enough and I will not stand by and watch her destroy herself because of you. I will make your life highly difficult. Do you understand?”

“Clearly.” I sat back down next to LaF.

They rubbed at their forehead with their eyes closed and sighed. They then leaned forward and handed me a napkin. I took it and uncrumbled it to see the message LaF had written. _I’m on your side._ They glanced at me from the corner of their eye and I gave them a slight nod. They let out the breath they were holding and went back to staring at the court. I followed their gaze and watched as our team ran out onto the court after being announced and Perry cheering loudly for Danny and Laura. Laura’s eyes were trained on the opponents, so she didn’t see that I was here. No matter really. I didn’t tell her I was coming because I wanted it to be a surprise. Although, surprising her is probably not the way to go since we’re still not at that stage in our relationship right now. The game started and I could see why scouts would want Laura to play professionally. Even the Ginger Giant wasn’t that bad.

 

 

 

 

 

 

We all stood up holding our breaths. Laura gave Danny a perfect set and Danny landed the ball into the opponent’s side of the court bouncing it off the floor with no contest. I joined in on cheering the win we just grabbed and LaF pulled me into a tight hug and messed up my hair. Thankfully I brought my beanie with me so I can cover up the mess LaF made of my hair. I looked back at the court and watched Laura jump on Danny throwing her fists into the air. Danny set her down.

“What did you think?” LaF shouted over the sound of the cheering crowd.

I watched as some girl made her way onto the court and throw her arms around Laura. Then the girl kissed Laura and my good mood disappeared instantly. I could feel the mood change around me as I looked away from the court. LaF frowned and looked away from the court to me. I saw the devastation in their eyes mixed with some anger and I could feel my eyes begin to well up. I will not cry. I clenched my jaw tightly grinding my teeth against each other. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to go down there and punch the girl in the face. I want…no…need to get out of here.

I leaned in close to LaF to whisper in their ear. “Don’t tell Laura I was here.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.” I looked down at the court and saw that Laura was making her way to the locker room. “I was never here to begin with.”

* * *

 

**_LaFontaine_ **

**Me [5:56 PM]: Have you talked to Laura yet?**

**Broody [6:02 PM]: Butt out science ginger.**

**Me [6:05 PM]: Hate to quote Perry, but communication is key.**

**Broody [6:08 PM]: None of your business parrot.**

**Me [6:09 PM]: Sooner rather than later.**

**Broody [6:15 PM] I hope you burn your eyebrows off again.**

**Me [6:16 PM]: Aww…that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said.**

**Broody [6:18 PM]: _Load Image_**

I tapped the picture and waited for it to load. It was a picture of Carmilla flipping me off while she sat in her philosophy class. I saved the picture and put it as her new ID in my phone. I slipped my phone into my pocket and made my way through the library. It wasn’t long until I finally found Laura hunched over one of the tables in the corner with her headphones in writing away. I dropped my stuff on the table and sat across from her. She glanced up at me then popped the earphones out of her ears. She leaned back in her chair and stretched out her back.

“What’s going on?”

“Nothing much. Just thought I’d find you here.”

She tilted her head to the side to stretch it out and there was a loud pop before she straightened up. “Yeah. I’ve been studying for my English Lit and Journalism exams tomorrow.”

“Luckily the volleyball game is at the end of the week.”

“Not so much since we’ll be sleep deprived and crashing from too much caffeine.”

“It’s better than trying to study and play a game in the middle of the week.”

“Yeah well, we still have practice to go to.” She picked her pencil up and began to scan through her notes.

I looked around the library then stared at her. “So…who was that girl that kissed you after the game?”

“Mila?” She asked as if I knew the girl. She shrugged. “She was a girl I had hooked up with once and she decided to confess to me after the game.”

“By kissing you?”

“She’s certainly not shy.” She put her pencil down and looked at me. “Why do you ask?”

I shrugged. “I just thought you and Carmilla were a couple is all.”

She sighed. “Not you too.”

“What?”

“Look I want to be with Carmilla and I’m not going to be like I was last time if she decides to leave me alright? I can handle myself.”

I raised my hands up. “Hey, no complaints here. I’m all for you being with Carmilla. I was just asking because I was wondering if your hookups know that you have a girlfriend now.”

“Carmilla is not my girlfriend,” she said all too quickly.

“Alright, then do your hookups know that you’re not available?”

“Why does it matter? I’m not going to date any of them and they know that.”

“True, but is that going to stop them from trying to hook up with you or have you been hooking up with them while you’ve been with Carmilla?”

“I haven’t been hooking up with anyone,” she said angrily. “As for them knowing I’m done doing hookups, I tell the ones that message me that I’m not interested anymore.”

“Sounds more like you’re taking a break not seeing someone.”

“I’m leaving my options open just in case.”

I leaned forward on the table. “Has Carmilla done something?”

“No,” she said while leaning back. “No. She’s been great.”

“Then why would you need a backup plan?”

“Everyone needs a backup plan.”

“Doesn’t answer my question.”

She ran her fingers through her hair and looked away. “It’s just in case Carmilla changes her mind.”

I leaned back and nodded my head. I am not a fan of this logic. “Be careful. You’ve slept with a lot of girls here and I would hate for you and Carmilla to break apart because of one of those girls.”

She nodded her head. “I know.”

I stood up and grabbed my backpack. “Great. I’ll see you frosh.”

“See you.”

I slipped my phone out of my pocket.

**Me [7:02 PM]: Talk to Laura.**

**Broody [7:07 PM]: Stay out of it.**

**Me [7:08 PM]: Just do it.**

**Brody [714 PM]: Whatever.**

I slipped my phone back into my pocket and walked back to my dorm room. These two are ridiculous.

* * *

 

**_Carmilla_ **

I tucked my arm behind my head as I stared through the hole in the leaves and tree branches at the stars. I let my leg dangle off the tree branch and felt it limply swing back and forth in the air. I bent my other leg and let it fold outward. It was a colder night, but I couldn’t stand being in my apartment for any longer. Being alone left me to relive seeing that girl kiss Laura over and over again. It made my heart feel like it was being stabbed repeatedly with no end in sight with each wound growing deeper and deeper. I tapped my fingers against my stomach. Is Laura serious about wanting to be with me or was this all just one sided on my part? Does she want to be with me because she feels like she can love me or because she feels like no one else will be able to understand and love her as much as I do? Is she just hung up on me because I was her first love?

I shouldn’t be over thinking this since we only started to want to try this out a month ago, but am I wrong to feel insecure about Laura not really wanting to be with me? Was it a bad thing when I felt that there was still something that Laura was holding back and not wanting to talk about with me? I don’t know. I don’t want Laura to be seeing anyone else, but I also don’t want to corner her into a relationship. I don’t want to push for that when Laura was still being cautious around me. I don’t want her to run away because I want a commitment.

“Carmilla are you up there?” Laura’s voice called up.

I looked down to see Laura bundled up and standing at the base of the tree searching for me. I sat up. “I’m up here. What can I do for you?”

“Mind coming down?”

I gripped the tree branch. I felt safer up here than down there with her right now. I think that was mostly because I was still angry, hurt, and jealous from the volleyball game. If I don’t go down there, she’ll think I’m pulling away. I sighed. “I’m coming down.” I began to climb down the tree and then dropped down the last six feet to land right next to her. “What can I do for you cupcake?”

She unburied her face from under her scarf as she looked down at the ground. “You’ve been avoiding me for a couple of days now.”

“It’s finals week. It may seem like I’m a genius, but sometimes I do need to study for exams.”

She poked at the ground with her toe a bit. “Is that all?”

No, but do I really want to have the conversation I want to have? No. “Yes. That’s it.”

She glanced up at me. “You’re hiding something,” she pointed out.

“What makes you say that?”

“Your body is slightly stiff and your hands are clenched into fists. Plus your standing slightly turned away from me. You do that when you’re hiding something.”

I stared at her and glanced down to see that I was in fact beginning to curl into myself. “I’m fine. Really I am.”

“Then tell me what’s bothering you?”

I slipped my hands into the pockets of my jacket and adjusted myself to be fully facing her. I stared at the ground as I bounced on the balls of my feet. “What are we doing?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean what are we doing?” I settled down to stand still while still not looking up at her. “What are we to one another?”

I heard the deep intake of breath and waited for her to respond. “We’re two people getting to know one another.”

“What does that mean exactly?”

“What do you want it to mean?”

I released one of my hands from its place in my warm pocket in order to run it through my hair. “Are we dating?”

There was a long pause as I continued to not look at her. “I wouldn’t say that.”

“Then what are we to one another?” I looked up at her while trying to contain the pain that was beginning to make me sick.

She met my glance and looked away. “I don’t know.”

“What do you want us to be to one another?”

She stared at the ground as I could practically hear the cogs in her head turning in the silence that sat between us. “I’m not sure.”

“Are you seeing anyone else?”

“No,” she answered instantly.

“Do you want to?”

She looked up at me sincerely. “No.”

“Have you told anyone you were seeing someone?”

She looked away guiltily. “No.”

“Why not?”

She gnawed on her bottom lip and the sick feeling imbedded itself in my stomach and I was fighting the urge to suddenly want to vomit. “Truthfully I don’t want to limit my options.”

A boulder fell on me and suddenly I felt like I was being crushed into dust. “I see.” I nodded my head and bit my bottom lip. Tears began to well up in my eyes as a heavy silence surrounded us. I glanced back at her. “I’m not going to do this with you. I may not deserve many things for what I’ve done, but I don’t deserve to be treated as an option,” my voice cracked as I said the last part. I felt the wetness of a tear as it made its way down along my cheek. “I at least deserve better than that.” I turned my back to her. “When you figure out what exactly we’re doing here and what you want from this, let me know.” I walked away from her and kept my head bowed as more tears began to escape.

I can live with just being someone she’s seeing, but I can’t live with being an option.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Follow musictomyearshsau.tumblr.com for updates, to ask questions, or other stuff.


	18. Damages

**_Klara_ **

“You. Are. An. Idiot,” I punctuated each word by throwing gummy bears at Laura’s face. Melina quickly leaned over the table to snatch the gummy bears before Laura could grab them. Melina popped them into her mouth and chewed silently.

“Very encouraging,” Laura said while glaring at me and Melina then looking hopeful at my bag of gummy bears.

“You’re welcome.” I threw another gummy bear at her and hit her in the cheek.

“What were you thinking Laura?” Melina asked while reaching over to grab some gummy bears from me.

Laura shrugged. “It seemed like a great idea.”

“Obviously only for you,” I pointed out.

“What should I have done then smart one?” Laura asked sarcastically.

“Pick one. Either you want to pursue a relationship with Carmilla or not. You can’t treat people like a revolving door because eventually they’re going to stop coming back.”

Laura cringed and looked down at the table. “I can’t commit to her.”

“Why not?” I asked.

“I don’t want to get hurt again.”

“And you don’t think she’s afraid of the same thing?” I asked incredulously.

“What does she have to be afraid of? She left me.”

“That she’ll lose the person she loves again because of something she did even though she didn’t even do anything this time,” I pointed out.

“Are you serious about giving Carmilla a second chance or are you not because what you’re doing is just as hurtful,” Melina pitched in.

Laura leaned her cheek into the palm of her hand. “Why do I even bother talking to you two?”

I shrugged and tossed another gummy bear at her. “Because you know we’ll tell you the honest truth.”

Laura groaned and rubbed her face. “I can’t think about this right now.”

“Better sooner than later,” I advised. Laura rolled her eyes then rested her head on the table.

I looked to Melina with my eyebrow raised and she rolled her eyes. Laura is very difficult when it comes to Carmilla. She has no problem with picking up girls or sleeping with them, but Carmilla is a whole other world. Things would be simple if she got out of her own way and let herself be with Carmilla. She makes things more difficult when she tries to protect her heart when at the end of the day her heart is going to break whether she protects it or not. A heart can’t be protected when it comes to loving someone. There’s always a way for that person to sneak into your heart no matter how many defenses you have. Plus honestly I think Carmilla has showed enough that she is not leaving and that she’s going to be here for Laura. She’s done enough to show that she loves Laura. I know Laura means everything to Carmilla, but does Carmilla mean everything to Laura?

* * *

 

**_LaFontaine_ **

“I know I said talk to Laura, but I didn’t mean talk to her and get hurt in the process,” I said as I reached over to grab another slice of pizza.

“Kitty talking to Laura always ends up with someone getting hurt. It seems to be the theme of their relationship right now,” Will added.

“At least they’re not avoiding each other and not talking at all about their problems,” Kirsch said.

“I’m right here,” Carmilla said angrily.

I rolled my eyes. “Alright in any case, at least you stood up for yourself so good on you for that.”

“Are you planning to tell Laura you saw her kiss that other girl?” Will asked. I glared at him and he shrugged.

“I don’t wat to. I mean Laura isn’t my girlfriend. She’s not even someone I’m dating, so it doesn’t matter what she does with other girls,” she responded while picking at the hem of her shirt.

“It does matter if she’s hurting you bro,” Kirsch said.

Carmilla shrugged. “I can deal with it. If she wants to see other girls then she needs to tell me upfront so I don’t get my hopes up too high.”

“Still not a way to go about things Kitty,” Will said while throwing an arm across her shoulders and giving her a hug.

“I know, but what can I expect from her? I hurt her so it’s only right she gets to hurt me a bit too.” Carmilla said.

I shook my head. “No it’s not right. This isn’t some game where you two go at each other hurting one another in order to even up the score because it’ll never be even. Either you two are together without hurting one another on purpose or you’re not.”

Carmilla chewed on her bottom lip. “I don’t think she’s going to choose me.”

“If she doesn’t then she’s an idiot,” I said.

“Laura has had it tough and she’s trying to protect herself, but she’s not able to protect herself from you. You scare her not just because you hurt her before, but because you can hurt her again and she’ll still love you no matter what. It’s not so much that she wants to hurt you, but that she doesn’t want to get hurt and still only want to be with you,” Will said.

Carmilla pulled her knees up to her chest. “What should I do then?”

“Just give Laura some time. She’ll make a decision when she’s ready and I have no doubt that she’ll choose you,” Kirsch said.

Carmilla stared at him. “How do you know?”

“Because she’s Laura and if there’s one thing I will always know about her, it’s that she’ll love you no matter what happens,” Kirsch said optimistically.

“I hope you’re right beef cake.”

“I am,” he said sternly.

Carmilla sighed and reached over for another slice of pizza. “Can we start watching whatever geeky movie you people brought over?”

“Star Wars is not geeky. It’s a classic,” I defended.

“Whatever.” Carmilla rolled her eyes.

I started the movie and we all settled in for a long marathon. I do hope that Laura comes to her senses and actually commits to Carmilla. I haven’t seen Laura smile and laugh as much as she has now being with Carmilla than after Carmilla left. No one has been able to pull that amount of happiness out of her in a long time. She might not be able to notice it on her own, but Carmilla is her person. Carmilla is the one that supports and believes in her the most. Carmilla is the one that protects her and keeps her safe. Carmilla takes care of her better than any of us ever could. It’s always been Carmilla and it always will be Carmilla because Carmilla understands her more than anyone else. I just hope she realizes that before she loses Carmilla because I believe Carmilla when she told Perry that if anyone is going to leave this time around, it’s going to be Laura and not her.

* * *

 

**_Kirsch_ **

I spotted Danny sitting at a table by herself in the caf and made my way over to her. I set my bag down and took a seat across from her. She raised her eyebrow up at me and kept chewing on the grilled cheese she was working through. I drummed my fingers against the table top and nodded my head to the beat. Danny covered my hands and shook her head.

“Please don’t. I’m trying to get through my day without a headache,” she groaned and released my hands.

“Sorry.”

“I suggest you learn to be more patient or has all that beer finally caught up to what was left of your tiny brain?”

“Look Summer Psycho I was trying to keep you company, but I see you just want to be a pain instead,” I grabbed my bag.

“Wait.” I looked back at her and she rolled her eyes. “Stay. I have some time for whatever it is you want to talk about,” she said apologetically with a hint of sass.

I let go of my bag and settled in again. “So what’s going on between you and your boyfriend?”

She cringed and began to pick at the crust of her grilled cheese. “That’s none of your business.”

“He’s trying to get in as a Zeta, but I don’t want him there if he’s an ass.”

She glanced up at me then back down to her sandwich. “It was nothing really. He just got angry that I got the TA position for English Lit next semester and he didn’t.”

I reached out and grabbed her hand. I pulled her arm out straight and rolled the sleeve up to see some bruises. “So was this him being mad too or no?”

She jerked her arm back and rolled the sleeve back down. “You don’t understand.”

“I understand he’s an asshole and you deserve better. Didn’t we do this with Laura too?” She rubbed the back of her neck and nodded. “Then why?”

“You don’t understand. It’s hard enough as is for me to find someone who really likes me.”

“I like you, but in a total bro way, but I still like you.”

She smiled a little and shook her head. “Thanks Kirsch.” She ran her fingers through her hair. “I already broke up with him though.”

“Is he cool with that?”

She shook her head. “He won’t stop messaging me, calling me, or trying to catch me outside of class or the Summer House after meetings. Luckily he hasn’t tried my apartment since a lot of people on my floor are part of the military.”

“Well I can be your dudescort if you want?”

She smiled. “I’ll be fine, but if I need you I’ll call you.”

I nodded my head. “Just know the Zetas are here if you need us. No woman should be afraid of a guy hurting them on purpose.”

She smiled. “Thanks Kirsch.” She looked back down at her plate. “I feel bad though.”

“For what?”

“I never told anyone and the one time everyone finds out is because he decided to do it publically and it was worse than the other times.” She sat up straight. “Plus I also probably got a bit too angry towards Laura and Carmilla.”

“Why?”

She shrugged. “I see them and despite everything, I can’t even see what was wrong with their relationship. They never abused one another or got into shouting matches or anything like that, but went through so much in destroying themselves over one another. I’m still pissed at Carmilla for what she did and for what that lead Laura to do, but I know that Carmilla is the best thing for Laura. They’re connected in a way that I wish I was with someone and I think I got jealous of that. I put too much pressure on Carmilla to not mess things up that I didn’t even think that Laura might be the one to mess it all up. I think in some way I saw Carmilla as Michael and I wanted to protect Laura from her.”

I reached over and put my hand on top of hers. “Michael was a case on his own. I don’t know much because you never told anyone, but from what has come out, it seems like he was playing you to keep you with him and was hurting you in a lot of ways and doing it on purpose. As far as Carmilla goes, she never has nor ever will be a Michael. Laura couldn’t be safer with anyone else.” I gave her hand a squeeze. “If you need to talk to someone I’m here, but I think the person who could really get you on this is gonna be Carmilla.”

She slid her hand out from under mine. “I’ll see. I need more time is all. Plus I need to apologize to Carmilla and I don’t know how she’s going to receive that.”

“Carmilla’s a cool bro. She’ll be fine.”

“Always the optimist.”

“Someone needs to be.” I stood up and pointed to her plate. “Want me to empty that for you?”

“That’d be great.” I picked up her plate. “Kirsch, you know you can always talk to me and the others about things too right? You don’t always have to be the optimistic one.”

I looked down at her half eaten grilled cheese. “I know.” I walked away and emptied her plate before putting it in the wash bin.

Growing up is hard.

* * *

 

**_Laura_ **

I walked out of my last final for the week and made my way back to my dorm. I still had the art exhibit tonight and then the volleyball game tomorrow night then I was officially on winter break. I rubbed my eyes and pulled my phone out to check for any messages from Carmilla. I sighed at the only message being from Perry reminding me of the end of year winter formal. I put my phone back in my pocket. I’ll talk to Perry when I see her later anyway. I slipped my hands into my pockets and stared at the ground. Carmilla hasn’t messaged me since our last conversation and I’ve been too chicken to message her especially since I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to do. I groaned.

I made my way through the quad until I started to hear yelling. I looked up to see that it was Danny and her boyfriend having a shouting match in the middle of the quad. He grabbed her by the arm tightly and she swung at him connecting with his jaw. I started to sprint over to her. He took a swing at her which she dodged despite him still having a grip on her arm. She jabbed him in the stomach then head-butted him in the nose. His nose busted open and started to bleed. He released her arm and she took a step back away from him. I got to where she was at and stood next to her.

“Everything alright?” I asked trying not to sound out of breath.

“Yeah fine,” she said while glaring at him.

He looked at her then to me and back to her. “I’ll just be leaving then,” he said before spitting on the floor on the other side of Danny. He glared at her and walked away.

She watched him go until she couldn’t see him anymore than looked to me. “Sorry you had to see that,” she apologized.

I looked at her bewildered. “Danny what’s been going on?”

She looked down at the ground and rubbed the back of her neck. “Just some things. Don’t worry though. I broke up with him and I’m probably going to ask Kirsch to hang around until Michael finally gives up.”

I shook my head. “How did I not see this?” I rubbed my forehead. “I’ve been so busy that I’ve forgotten to pay attention to my friends. I am so sorry Danny. I should have known. I should have paid more attention.” I looked up at her. “You can talk to me alright. No matter what I’m busy with, just tell me and I’ll drop everything to help you out and listen.”

Her shoulders slumped as she nodded her head. “I know. I just didn’t want people knowing. I thought I could handle it and that he couldn’t get worse.”

“You want to talk about it now? I have a few hours before my exhibit tonight.”

“No I’ll be fine. I have plans right now anyway.”

“Alright. Be safe. If you need anything message me ok. I’m here even if it seems like I’m not.”

“I know. Thanks Laura.”

“You’re welcome.” I gave her a tight hug before letting her go.

I watched her walk off before I headed to my dorm. With everything that has been going on with Carmilla and classes, I have completely neglected my friends. I sighed and scratched my head. I need to get everything sorted out because I shouldn’t have missed what was going on with Danny. I should have recognized it and done something sooner. I need to get my life together before I lose everything and everyone.

* * *

 

**_Danny_ **

I walked down the hallway to Carmilla’s apartment and knocked on the door. I heard a crash, a string of cuss words, and then another crash. After a moment of silence, the door opened and she was standing there in sweat pants and a hoodie with messy hair.

“You’ve looked better,” I commented.

“Nice to see you too Amazon,” she said while opening the door wider and moving off to the side.

I stepped into her apartment and looked around to see ice cream cartons on the coffee table in the living room and books thrown all over the place. I moved into the living room and glanced into the kitchen to see that there was glass on the floor. I looked away and sat down on her couch. She locked her door and checked it twice before coming to sit down next to me. She pulled her hair up into a bun then crossed her legs. We sat there in silence for a moment as I took everything in. Obviously things aren’t going well with Laura at the moment because her apartment is such a mess. Plus she looks warn down which could also be because of finals. Maybe I should just go. This may have been a bad idea.

“I think I’m going to go,” I said.

“What for?”

I looked around. “It looks like you have enough to deal with. I don’t want to add on to it.”

“Danny whatever I have going now is nothing compared to what you’ve went through.”

I looked at her nervously. “You sure because I could just go.”

“I’m sure. Now talk to me because your texts made me worried.”

I sat there and picked at the couch cushion for a while. “You know how I was dating Michael right?”

“Yeah. He seemed like a great guy.”

“Well I uh…I thought he was a good guy too.” I kept picking at the couch cushion. “He started to show who he really was about two months after the welcome party for Laura. I didn’t think anything of it because he usually had a few drinks before, but then a month after that it started happening when he was sober.”

“What did?”

I looked away from the couch cushion and rested my chin on top of the back of her couch. “Hitting me and telling me sorry and that if I would just do what he said he wouldn’t lose his temper.”

“That no one but him will love you,” she finished for me.

I nodded my head. “Yeah.” I stayed silent.

“It starts to take root because you look back and only see the negatives. No one wanted you before or everyone broke up with you or some other rejections and you start to believe those words. You start to believe that no one will ever love you. That no one will ever want you. You find yourself believing it and you spiral down into a dark spot because of it.” She took a deep breath. “What finally snapped you out of it?”

I wiped my eyes to remove the tears before they fell. “When he did it publically last week. I thought that he could change, that he was changing because we had talked about it before.” I looked back to her. “He didn’t change and when he snapped in public everyone saw. My sisters saw it all because he did it at the Summer’s House during one of our events. Mel had to throw him out of the house and threatened to lodge an arrow in his chest if he didn’t disappear. He thought it was funny until Mel actually grabbed her bow and pointed an arrow at him then shot it nicking his right ear causing it to bleed.” I looked down at the couch again. “When my sisters were putting ice on the bruises that began to form from him grabbing my arms so tightly, I knew it was bad and that he wasn’t going to change.”

“I think a lot of us forget that even though you are the strongest one of us all and the most protective one that you can also be vulnerable. We see so much more of your strength, that to think of you not being a strong person is unfathomable. I’m sure people are going to say I’m sorry a lot, but people don’t see what they don’t want to see. Then others are better at hiding it than some. Then there are people in-between. The only thing that matters though is yourself. Are you going to come out of it stronger or are you going to find yourself in that situation again?”

“What snapped you out of your situation?”

I watched her face go from helpful to mournful in an instant. She looked down at her hands that were folded on top of her legs. “The first time was Laura. The second time was when my mother beat me again. I realized then that she was never going to change. I also realized that I had to be strong for myself and not because someone else was strong for me.”

I nodded my head. “How long did it take you to feel strong on your own?”

“A year maybe more. Everyone is different though. You were strong before Michael. You just need to find that strength again and make it stronger.”

I thread my fingers in my hair and rested my temple against the palm of my hand. “I need to apologize to you. I never gave you a chance when it came to Laura and I think that’s because I was afraid you were going to be like Michael or worse your mother. It wasn’t fair and I’m sorry.”

She shrugged. “You had a right to be cautious, but I would never hurt Laura in that way.”

“I know. I just projected onto you instead of dealing with my own problems.”

“It happens.” She picked at her sweat pants.

“Are you going to Laura’s exhibit tonight?”

She sighed and shook her head. “No. I don’t think I should go.”

“Why not?”

“We haven’t spoken at all since our disagreement, so I don’t want to crash her exhibit by showing up.”

“You can always go and just blend in with the crowd.”

She chuckled. “Yes because I am so good at blending in.”

I smirked. “Well when you dress like a vampire then no you don’t.”

She smiled. “More like when I get dressed at all. I’d probably still get noticed even if I go like this.” She pointed to her sweat pants and hoodie.

“Someone’s cocky.”

“Sometimes it can’t be helped.”

“What about you go and I distract Laura the entire time.”

She tilted her head back to rest against the couch. “I don’t know.”

“It is open to the public so it’s not like you’re there for her specifically.”

She groaned. “You won’t stop persisting until I go huh?”

“Nope.”

She sighed. “Fine.”

“Great. You’ll have to text me when you get there and where you’re at so I can start steering Laura in the other direction.”

“I will.” She stared up at the ceiling. “When you’re done changing the subject and want to talk more about you and what happened with Michael, I’m here when you need me. It’s a marathon not a sprint, so it’s ok to take your time to process and work through everything.”

I stared down at the couch cushion again. Nothing gets past her that’s for sure. “Thanks.”

We sat there in silence just thinking to ourselves. There was still a lot I had to think of and process, but for now I should be alright. I looked at her. She was staring intently up at the ceiling. I hope if anything at least she and Laura get their happy ending because I can’t see any other two people besides LaFontaine and Perry who could last forever and more. I’ll get there eventually. I just need to work on myself right now.

* * *

 

**_Carmilla_ **

I stood outside of the ballroom inside the Lustig Building and took a deep breath. Laura’s exhibit was tonight’s main attraction then tomorrow it will change to one of her classmate’s exhibit. I stood outside and stared through the glass doors to see people milling around looking at all of the artwork. People were talking and laughing with drinks in their hands and food walking around being handed out by caterers. It was a whole other world and I just wanted to turn back. I shouldn’t be here. Laura didn’t invite me and I just shouldn’t have come in the first place. This was her world and I shouldn’t intrude on it for my own selfish desire to be as close to her as possible, to be surrounded by her through her artwork. I should go, but I can’t.

I opened the doors to the ballroom and stepped inside. It was like a concert in here with how loud it was with everyone walking around and conversing. I stepped off to the side and shed my coat to hang it up with the others on the coat rack that was provided. I pulled out my phone and pulled up a conversation with Danny.

**Me [9:10 PM]: I’m here.**

**Clifford [9:12 PM]: Took you long enough. Move from the back to the front.**

**Me [9:12 PM]: Laura?**

**Clifford [9:13 PM]: Taken care of.**

I glanced around me as I walked to the back of the exhibit keeping a look out for Laura and Danny. I was halfway to the back when I spotted Danny since she’s super tall. She glanced up and met my eyes before going back to talking. I looked away from her to see who she was talking to. I recognized Laura’s honey blonde hair and couldn’t help but stand there and stare at her back. She was wearing a form fitting black dress with black stockings and black ballet flats. I stared at her for a while longer until I saw her look over to her side. I quickly moved to the back before she turned around completely and saw me. Danny is probably going to give me an earful later for that.

I walked to the back of the exhibit and found the first painting. It was a painting of the ocean from a bedroom window in France. From there it was the homes in Greece. Then it was the gothic castle from Germany. From there it was the colosseum from Italy. I followed the paintings one by one realizing that Laura took my advice and wrote a story with her paintings. The story of the lower class citizen falling for royalty and how their story played out in terms of where they would see each other in secret. I got absorbed into the story and lost within the realness of the paintings. They looked to be photographs and not just paintings of color across a canvas. I found myself reaching out and running my fingertips along the white walls just below the paintings in order to be closer to them: to feel them without really touching them. I got to the last painting and stood in front of it. It was a painting of my favorite oak tree on the quad. There was a book set leaning against the tree with a cup of what I can guess is hot chocolate right next to it.

I stood back from the painting putting some more distance between it and myself. It was our story. I stepped closer and reached out pressing my fingertips to the wall again. I wish I could fall into this painting and find the warmth and love that it depicted for it was missing from reality at the moment. It was missing from the real people it was meant to represent; what this whole story was meant to represent. I stepped back again. If only life could be as simple as a painted picture, but instead it is as complex as the brush strokes it took to create it.

I walked away from the painting and made my way over to the coat rack. I slipped my coat on and walked out of the exhibit. I took my phone out of my pocket as I made my way down the hall so I could text Danny that I had left. There weren’t many people left at the exhibit so it was a good thing I left right after I finished walking it. I pulled up our conversation when I glanced up to make sure I wasn’t going to end up tripping down the stairs because I wasn’t paying attention. Instead a door opened and Laura stepped out of it. She locked eyes with me and her face went from confused to shocked.

“Seriously Laura what’s wrong?” A girl stepped out from the same door and stared at Laura. The girl’s eyes went from Laura to me then back to Laura.

I stared at the two of them before clenching my phone tightly. I began to step backwards towards the stairs at the other end of the hall. Laura stepped forward suddenly and opened her mouth, but nothing came out. She ran her fingers through her hair and stepped forward again.

“Carm. This really isn’t what it looks like,” she said desperately.

I shook my head and kept walking backwards. “What does it matter to me? I’m nothing to you remember?” I pivoted and turned my back to her.

“Carm!” She shouted.

I heard her footsteps behind me and I broke out in a sprint. I can’t. I can’t face her. I can’t do it. I’m nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you can follow musictomyearshsau.tumblr.com for updates and other stuff :)


	19. Listen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The "*****" mean same character point of view just different day.

**_Melina_ **

“WHAT. WERE. YOU. THINKING?!” I yelled as I hit Laura with the pillow after each word. I gave her an extra three hits then sat down.

“I can’t believe you didn’t stop her,” Laura groaned as she glared at Klara.

“Better her than me,” Klara answered.

I hit Laura on the arm with the pillow again. “Again what were you thinking?”

Laura looked down at the ground as her shoulders slumped. I scooted back on Klara’s bed until I was sitting against the wall. Klara swiveled side to side on her computer chair as she stared up at the ceiling. Klara was right when she said Laura is her own worst enemy when it comes to Carmilla. She finds a way to sabotage herself instead of just letting things be.

“I needed to get my mind off Carmilla and saw Rhonda at the gallery. I texted her to meet me in the small conference room next door, but after I just couldn’t,” Laura admitted. She shuffled back on the bed and pulled her knees up to her chest. “I’ve never had a problem with hooking up with girls to forget Carmilla. It’s usually a hot empty feeling that drives me, but this time everything was just so cold. I couldn’t. I kissed Rhonda and felt like a Dementor sucked a part of my soul out of me.” She ran her fingers through her hair. “That’s when I changed my mind and stepped out of the conference room and Carmilla was there. Rhonda came out and Carmilla ran off.” She wrapped her arms around her knees and leaned her chin on top of them. “I don’t know what to do.”

I sighed. “Laura what do you want? Do you want to be with Carmilla or not? You keep getting in the water, but jumping out just as quickly. What is your heart telling you?”

Klara leaned forward in the computer chair. “Laura you know what you want, so what is it that’s holding you back? And don’t tell me it’s because Carmilla hurt you because now I think it’s something else entirely.”

I watched Laura shrink into a smaller ball and I’ve never seen her look so fragile like a gust of wind can easily blow her away. I scooted over to her and wrapped my arms around her. She stiffened at the contact, but didn’t move me. “Laura, we won’t push you to tell us, but know that the empty feeling will not go away until you figure out what it is you want for yourself. What you truly want. What you truly desire. What is holding you back you must be honest with yourself about it before you can be honest to Carmilla about it. What haunts you, Carmilla may be able to help with. I believe you need only to tell her.”

Laura relaxed in my hold and leaned into me more. “Thank you.”

I kissed the top of her head. “You are welcome.”

* * *

 

**_Carmilla_ **

I lowered my violin after practicing my solo for the thousandth time this week. I walked over to the piano that was still on the stage since the person who used it before was too lazy to put it back where it came from. I set my violin down on top of it then sat down on the bench in front of the keys. I tied my hair up and stared at the keys. I ran my fingers over them one by one.

Laura has messaged me every day this week, but I can’t bring myself to message her back. The only thing she has been able to say is that she’s sorry that I saw that and that nothing happened. I want so much to believe her, but I can’t. In the end I’m still just an option. I’m still no one important to her. Maybe I should have stayed away. I couldn’t possibly have stayed with Catherine because of how I feel about Laura, but I could have stayed away. I could have kept my distance from Laura after breaking up with Catherine. I could have chosen to ignore everything within myself that said to go after Laura. I could have ignored everyone who said to let my heart decide what I want. I could have ignored it all and saved myself this heartache. Maybe Mother was right all along, no one can ever love me but her. No one else could ever love me.

I shook my head to get that thought out of my head. No. Mother was not right. Her love is not love. She never loved me. She never could. I pressed down on the keys on the piano. Will loves me and that’s all I need. I just need my brother. My fingers began playing out a tune. I only need my brother, yet I can’t stop myself from yearning to have Laura. I can’t stop myself from loving her and it’s the worst feeling to exist. To love someone who can’t love you. To love someone who you have loved for years, but shouldn’t. To love someone knowing that you shouldn’t; that you don’t have the right to. To love someone you don’t deserve. Then to have that person show that you don’t deserve them; that they don’t love you the way you love them. To have that person show that the only thing you deserve is to be hurt; that you only deserve to be in pain.

“You stare politely right on through some sort of window to your right. As he goes left and you stay right between the lines of fear and blame you begin to wonder why you came,” I sang above a whisper after humming the first few lines. “Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend somewhere along in the bitterness and I would have stayed up with you all night had I known how to save a life.” I began to let my voice get louder as I closed my eyes and tried not to picture Laura as I sang. “As he begins to raise his voice you lower yours and grant him one last choice: drive until you lose the road or break with the ones you’ve followed. He will do one of two things: he will admit to everything or he’ll say he’s just not the same and you’ll begin to wonder why you came.” I took a deep breath as I felt the tears sliding down my cheeks. I looked down and saw the few tear drops on the piano keys. My voice began to crack as I tried to sing around the sobs that wanted to escape my mouth. “Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend somewhere along in the bitterness and I would have stayed up with you all night had I known how to save a life.” I stopped singing because I couldn’t breathe and pulled my hands away from the keys.

What am I doing? What’s the point of it all? I’m fighting a losing battle. I wiped the tears from my cheeks. More like I already lost. So what is the point? I can’t do anything for her. I can’t do more than I have already done for her. So why bother to keep fighting? I should let her go. I should let her go before I hurt her more; before she hurts me more. I can’t save what’s left of us and it was foolish of me to even think I could. She’ll be fine on her own. She’s been fine on her own. I stand up from the piano and grab my violin. I’ll be fine eventually.

* * *

 

**_Laura_ **

I opened the door to my room and dropped my stuff onto the floor. I stared at the middle of my room where my father was standing. “Dad?”

He smiled and looked at me. “I should have called, but I wanted to surprise you.”

“What? Why?” I looked around and shook my head. “I thought you were working.”

“I wouldn’t miss Christmas with my little girl, so I’m here. I know its short notice, so I can go if you want,” he said worriedly.

“N-no. I’m just surprised is all.” I smiled and walked over to him and wrapped my arms around him. “I’ve missed you.”

His arms wrapped around me and he kissed the top of my head. “I missed you too sweetheart.”

I let go and looked up at him. “Thanks for coming.”

He ruffled my hair and smiled. “Wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

I took my coat off and stared at my phone before I placed it on my desk. Still no response from Carmilla. “Is there anything you want to do? We can go get some food or something.”

“I’m fine. Although I could use something warm to drink. It’s pretty cold here.”

I smiled and went over to my small kitchen. “Yeah. You get used to it after a while.” I pulled out the instant hot chocolate and warmed up a pot of hot water.

“I bet. So tell me what’s been going on. It’s been a while since we last talked.” He sat down on my bed and leaned forward.

I went over to my desk and sat in my computer chair. I glanced at my phone again. “Nothing much really. Just waiting for my grades from this semester and my art exhibit went very well, so that was good. We won our last volleyball game, so we’re going to be going to nationals.”

“That’s good to here. I talked to Perry and LaFontaine for a bit and they seem to be doing well. How’s everyone else?”

“Fine. Danny has her Summer Society and volleyball stuff going on and Kirsch is busy with the Zetas. JP gave a great presentation on ancient mystical weapons for his history class that went over very well.”

“That’s good to hear.”

“Yeah. Everything is just fine.”

“So…any girlfriends or anything?”

“Why do you ask?”

“Because you’ve spent the entire time staring at your phone.” He directed his gaze at the phone and gave me a pointed look.

“Oh…no.” I put the phone in a drawer. “Nothing really.”

“Laura?” He sat up straight. “What’s going on?”

Sometimes I really dislike that he can tell that I’m hiding something. “Promise you won’t get angry?”

“I promise,” he said.

I chewed on my bottom lip trying to organize how I’m going to say this. “I’m in an argument with Carmilla right now.”

He took in a sharp breath and let it out slowly. “I didn’t think you would even talk to her.”

“I have been talking to her.” I turned my chair away. “I’ve actually been sort of dating her,” I admitted.

He stared at me then stood up. He put his hands on his waist and turned his back to me. He took a moment then turned back to me. “I don’t want to hear about it.” He walked over to the small kitchen and checked on the pot of water.

“Dad…”

“I think I am hungry, so we should get some food in a bit.” He poured us both a mug of hot chocolate and we sat there in silence drinking our hot chocolate.

This is going to be a long week.

* * *

 

**_Will_ **

I drank my beer and looked at the TV. “You know I saw Laura and her dad the other day,” I said. I glanced at Carmilla as she stiffened.

“How did that go?”

“Mr. Hollis was not very happy to see me of course.”

She smirked. “Mr. Hollis huh? I thought it was John.”

“Obviously that’s only reserved for the people he likes.”

“So he doesn’t like you anymore.”

“Nope.” I set my beer down on the coffee table. “Laura didn’t look too comfortable though. She kept doing that thing where she draws circles on the table.”

She stayed silent then glanced down at her phone. “We both know she doesn’t have a perfect relationship with her dad.”

“I know, but it seems really off now.”

She started to tap her fingers against her thighs. “She hasn’t had a good relationship with him since I broke up with her.”

“What do you mean?”

She sighed and paused the show we were watching. “He avoided her the entire time and they never talked. Then she left for a year and they never really got a chance to fix things.”

“Why did he avoid her?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know. He just did, but that’s their problem not mine.”

Her phone vibrated and her hand twitched. “How many times has Laura called and texted you by now?”

She frowned. “Too many times by now.”

“Are you never going to answer her?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because she hasn’t been honest with me.” She turned her phone off. “She keeps saying sorry and that nothing happened, but that’s it. She doesn’t say anything else and I don’t have time for it right now. I have a concert and a solo after Christmas to practice for and I don’t have the time for it.”

I stared at her for a long moment. “Are you giving up on her?”

She threaded her fingers through her hair. “No. I thought about it, but I can’t.”

“So what are you going to do?”

She leaned back. “She knows where I live. If she’s serious about us she can come here and talk to me about it to my face instead of over the phone.”

I nodded my head. “How long do you think that will take?”

“It takes as long as it takes.”

I grabbed my beer and sat back. She pressed play and the show started again. I agree with her. If Laura really wants to fix things between them she needs to come talk to Carmilla personally instead of over the phone. It’s the only way they’re going to get anywhere with each other. It’s the only way for them to be honest with one another. I just hope Laura hurries before it becomes too late.

* * *

 

**_Danny_ **

“So how is having your dad here going?” I asked as we walked down the street with Kirsch trailing behind us.

“As good as expected,” Laura answered.

“What do you mean?”

She stared into the window of one of the shops. “I told him I’m sort of dating Carmilla and he shut down on me like he shut down on me three years ago and up until now. It’s worse than when he does it in October.”

We began walking again. “You two never did talk about anything that happened.”

“No and I’m starting to think we never will.” She stopped outside another shop. “We never talked about my mom and now we’re not talking about this.”

“Have you tried?”

“Why should I? He makes it obvious that he doesn’t want to, so what’s the point?”

I stared at the shop she stopped in and saw the walls of books. “How are things with Carmilla?”

She turned her head away from the shop and started walking again. “She won’t answer me and I don’t know what to do.”

“Have you tried going to her place?”

“I don’t know if I should. If she won’t answer her phone why would she let me into her apartment?”

Kirsch caught up to us and walked just a step or two behind us. “Maybe she wants to talk to you face-to-face and not over the phone. It seems like something she’d want to do. I mean like isn’t that what you two always do,” he said.

“Maybe.” She peered into another shop.

“Well Carmilla has that concert thing for her music program on the twenty-eighth and we were gonna go with everyone else if you wanna come too,” Kirsch said.

She turned to look at us. “I don’t think I should go.”

“She won’t see you. It’s going to be pretty dark in there and our tickets are towards the back of the concert hall. Plus it’s not like we’re going to tell her you were there,” I added.

She chewed on her bottom lip. “I’ll think about it.”

We started walking and Kirsch bumped my shoulder and tilted his head towards Laura. I stared at him confused and he rolled his eyes. He took his phone out and messaged me. I looked at my phone and shook my head. He nodded his head and jabbed it towards Laura again. I shook my head and crossed my arms over my chest. He widened his eyes and opened his arms up slightly. I sighed and rolled my eyes. I shook my head again. He pursed his lips and turned to Laura. She was staring at us like we were aliens.

“Look I shouldn’t be saying anything because Carmilla is my bro, but like you need to know because she’s never gonna tell you herself,” Kirsch began.

I smacked his arm. “Kirsch don’t.”

“She needs to know,” he plead.

I shook my head. “Now is not a good time.”

“Then when is?”

“You both do know I’m standing right here right?” Laura interrupted.

I groaned. “Fine.”

Kirsch turned back to Laura. “Look Carmilla had gone to that volleyball game where that one chick kissed you. She saw it and then rushed out of there. I thought you should know because she was hurting before you two got in that argument and then the other thing at the art place happened. I don’t think she’s in a good place right now because of all of that happening so quickly.”

Laura stared at him. “She saw that?” He nodded his head. She turned away and stared at the ground. “Fuck.”

I glared at Kirsch and he just gave me a sorry look. Carmilla was right in comparing him to a puppy. “Laura?” I said.

She looked up at me and sniffled while quickly wiping at her eyes. “Sorry. Just…I’m alright. Don’t worry,” she said.

I stepped closer to her and wrapped her into a hug. “You’re with friends, so you don’t have to hold anything in.”

Kirsch moved closer and began to rub Laura’s back soothingly. “Yeah, you don’t need to hide from us. We’ll take care of you,” he added.

Laura pulled away after a bit and wiped her eyes again. “I feel like I have become more hollow these past two weeks and to hear that she saw that has just sucked what was left out of me.” She sniffled. “Where do I even start to make things right?”

Kirsch wrapped his arm around her shoulders. “Well you can always start by showing her that you do care for her and go from there.”

“How do I even do that?” She asked.

“You know her. I’m sure you know what to do if you think hard enough,” he said.

“We’ll help if you want us too,” I added.

She nodded her head. “Thanks. I’ll figure something out.”

“We know you will,” I said. I grabbed her hand. “For now, it’s Christmas Eve and we still have some last minute shopping to do.”

I took her to a few shops with Kirsch trailing behind us. Eventually we finished shopping and Kirsch was holding all of our bags. Laura didn’t get anything for Carmilla, but I wasn’t going to point that out no matter how many looks and hand gestures Kirsch gave me about it. I know Laura has something else in mind and I’m not going to get in the way of that. I just hope those two work things out because I can’t stand to keep staring at the vacant look on Laura’s face especially after what Kirsch told her. It’s like we took what was left of her soul out of her with that news. It sucked, but it had to be done so Laura knows everything that Carmilla is feeling at this moment about her.

I really honestly can’t blame Carmilla for ignoring Laura’s calls and messages either. If I saw the girl I loved kissing someone else and then running out of a room with someone else, I would be pretty heart broken right now. I wouldn’t even want to bother with having a relationship with them if I had to go through what Carmilla did especially with Laura practically saying that she doesn’t believe their relationship is going to last and that’s why she still has her options open. I drank my soda and stared as Laura drew circles on top of the table. As much as I want Laura and Carmilla to be together, is it even worth it at this point if they’re just going to be hurting each other? Well more like if Laura is going to keep hurting Carmilla. Is it worth it?

I looked up to the sky. I guess we’ll find out.

* * *

 

**_Laura_ **

I took deep breaths as I paced around my room wondering if this was a good idea. I took my phone out of my pocket to check the time. I had an hour before the concert started and a while more before Carmilla’s solo piece. I shook my hands out as I did another turn in my room. This isn’t a good idea. If she wanted me there she would answer my messages right? No. She’s been mad for almost three weeks so I can’t blame her for not answering my messages. I looked up at the ceiling and groaned. Why can’t this be easy? I go and I enjoy the show and hopefully talk to her after or I don’t go and I sit here going crazy because I want to see her. I want to be near her. I slid my fingers in my hair and gripped it at the roots. Why can’t I make a damn decision about this? I should just go. Even if I don’t see her after at least I got to see her and be as close as possible to her. I released my hair and kept pacing across my room. I’ll go. I will go. I just need to leave my room and head out. Right just have to leave my room. I stared at my door and shook my head. I can’t. I turned my back to the door as I paced in the opposite direction.

The door opened and I whipped my head to it to see my father poking his head in. “Hey sweetheart. Can we talk?”

“Yeah s-sure.”

He came into the room and I went to sit down on my bed. He pulled up my computer chair and leaned forward with his elbows on his knees. He stayed silent for a while as I began to fidget with my hands. “I don’t blame you for your mother’s death.” I snapped my head up to stare at him. He kept his gaze to the floor. “I blame myself more than anything.” He took a deep breath. “I was supposed to be driving, but I decided to take an extra shift at the hospital instead. I don’t know if you remember, but I was always at work when you were younger because I made the wrong decision to put my work before my family.” He wrung his hands together. “I took your mother away because I was selfish, so it’s not your fault no matter what. People forget things at home all the time, so it’s not your fault.” He moved closer and put his hand on mine giving it a gentle squeeze. “It’s neither of our faults. We can keep blaming ourselves and wishing that we had done something different, but it won’t change what happened. It’s not our fault and it never will be.” He rubbed his thumb over my hand. “I’m sorry that I made it feel like I blamed you. I don’t. I blame myself and you look so much like her that it just brings me back to that day and the conversation we had and I can’t handle it, but I’m getting some help now. I’m finally getting help.”

I put my hand over his and tried to hold my tears back. “I’ve waited a long time to hear something like that.”

“I know. I’m sorry it took so long.”

I nodded my head and laughed as tears began to fall. “Better late than never right?”

“Yeah.” he squeezed my hand again. “I have something else to tell you.”

I rolled my eyes and wiped at my tears. “What more could there be?”

He rubbed the back of his neck with his free hand. “Carmilla had sent me a letter that came after the one she sent you to tell you that she was breaking up with you.”

I pulled my hand away and stared disbelievingly at him. “What do you mean she sent you a letter? Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Because she hurt you and I didn’t want to hurt you more by telling you what she wrote me.”

“That was not your decision to make.”

“It was because I’m your father and I will make the best decision for you even if you don’t like it.”

I balled my hands into fists and tried to contain my anger. “She was my girlfriend.”

“And you’re my responsibility,” he countered.

I gritted my teeth. “What did the letter say?”

He stared at me hard before relaxing into a calm state. “She told me to take care of you because she knew that you would be hurt and would have a tough time with it. That she made the decision she made because it was the best decision for the both of you. She told me to stop avoiding you every October and to take care of you because she couldn’t anymore. She apologized and told me that she still loved you and only wanted you to be happy and that being happy with her wasn’t possible anymore because of how she was.” He sat up straight. “She said she’d always love you and that would never change.” He leaned forward again. “I didn’t want to believe her because of how much pain you were in and everything that was happening to you at the time. I didn’t care for her apology or her saying she loved you. I hated her for putting you through everything you went through.” He rubbed at the back of his neck. “I’ve been thinking this past week and I realized that I had failed both of you. I didn’t take care of you like she asked me to and I wasn’t a father to you during that time. Instead of being there for you I avoided you and let your friends take over. I failed as a father and I can never forgive myself for that. I should have been the one taking care of you and being by your side, but instead I chose to busy myself with work. The pain and hurt you went through is just as much my fault as hers. I’m sorry for not being there for you and for not telling you about the letter.” He looked at the floor. “I don’t want this gap between us anymore. I want to be close to my little girl again. I want my little girl to be happy again.” He looked up and stared at me with eyes filled with regret.

I looked away down to my hands folded on my lap. “I want that too, but it’s going to be a while to get over the whole hiding things from me part.”

“I know.”

“And you practically ignored me when I needed you the most so it’s really going to take a while for that.”

“I know.”

I wiped my tears away. “As long as you know then I’m willing to work on this.”

He got up and sat down next to me. He hesitated a moment before putting his arm around my shoulders. “I’m sorry sweetheart.”

It felt weird to have the weight of his arm around me since it’s been almost forever since he’d hug me like this. Like he actually cared. Like he actually loved me. I turned to him and wrapped my arms around him and cried into his shoulder. He wrapped his other arm around me and held me close as I cried. I miss this. I miss the feeling of knowing he loved me and cared for me. I miss the feeling of being able to feel safe with my dad. I miss my dad.

He kissed the top of my head and rubbed my arms as I calmed down. I pulled away and smiled. “You smell like the bear spray you send me.”

“I may have accidentally broken the bottle open today and I guess the smell hasn’t come off yet,” he laughed.

I smiled and poked his side. “Try not to break anything else.”

“I’ll try.” He kept his arm around my shoulders and kissed the side of my head. “You need to fix things with Carmilla,” he said bluntly.

I pulled away instantly. “What do you mean?”

He pulled his arm away from me and cleared his throat. “Sweetheart I have seen you two together when you were younger and I could tell from the tone of your voice from our phone calls, she makes you happy.”

I stood up. “I am so not having this conversation with you.”

“I would take her back in a heartbeat if it was your mother,” he declared. I turned to look at him. He clapped his hands together. “If I was in your position, no matter what your mother had done or how messed up things ended up being or how messed up I ended up being, I would take her back.” He stood up and looked at me. “Love is a strange thing that does strange things to us. It will break us, it will fix us, it will kill us, it will make us live, it makes us sick, it makes us better, and it does so much more because love is dangerous just as much as it is safe. That’s why love is strange.” He put his hands on my shoulders. “This is a decision that only you can make of course, but don’t let fear stop you from feeling the strangeness of love especially if it gets in the way of being with the person who is meant to be yours.” He let go of me and sighed. “As much as I want you to be with someone else, I knew a long time ago that Carmilla was it for you. She was your one. She’s always going to be your one even if I forbid you from seeing her again.”

I looked up at him. “How do you know that?”

“Because you two looked at each other the way your mother and I used to look at each other. Your mother was my one and always will be just like Carmilla is yours.” He tilted his head to the side. “Plus if she wasn’t you wouldn’t be drawn to her as much as you are.”

I turned away and began to pace in a smaller space now. “I really messed things up though.”

“I can tell.”

“Not helping dad,” I groaned.

He stopped me from pacing and I looked up at his caring eyes. “You will find a way. Just let love guide you from now on.”

I sighed and shook my hands out. “Right because that’s easy to do.”

“I didn’t say it would be easy, but it would help.”

I nodded my head and checked the time on my phone. “I have to go.” I grabbed my coat and made my way to the door.

“Love isn’t perfect, but it’s damn near close,” he said before I closed the door behind me.

 

 

 

 

 

I walked into the concert hall and searched for everyone. It was easy to spot Danny’s long red hair and I made my way over to the row they were sitting in. “Hey everyone.”

They all looked at me at once. “Hey Laura, glad you could come,” Danny said.

“Looking good little nerd,” Kirsch added.

“You can come sit by me,” JP said.

I began to make my way down the aisle. “If you want snacks Perry brought some with her,” LaF whispered while holding up a box of gummy bears.

I glared at the box remembering Klara throwing them at me before. “No thanks LaF. Maybe later.”

“Suit yourself frosh,” LaF said while popping a gummy bear in their mouth.

“How have you been Laura?” Perry asked.

“Fine. Just been busy,” I answered.

“Hey you got room for two more?” I looked up to see Klara standing there with Melina. “And before you ask I’m here because a member from the archery club is playing tonight,” Klara clarified.

“Yeah I have two seats next to me here,” I said.

Klara nodded her head and began to make her way down the aisle to me. She sat down next to me and Melina sat next to her. Melina leaned forward to stare at me. “Is everything alright? You look like you have been crying,” Melina pointed out.

“I was just talking to my dad before this is all. Everything is fine,” I answered.

“Alright then. Is everything else alright?”

I glanced at the stage to see everyone beginning to come on stage. “It’s getting there hopefully.” She nodded her head. I sat back in my seat and focused on the stage.

My breath got caught in my throat as I watched Carmilla come on stage with her violin. She was wearing her trademark look of black leather pants, white button up shirt with a black tie, black blazer, and black heels. I guess some things don’t change. She sat down in her chair and began to converse with the other violinist as everyone else filed over to their chairs. I opened up the program in my hand and began to read through it to see when Carmilla would be doing her solo. They had her going last since her solo was going to be a long one with a few accompanists. It also didn’t say what she was going to be playing. Odd. I looked back to the stage and saw her tuck a strand of her curly hair behind her ear. My heart squeezed in my chest. She looked remarkably beautiful tonight.

The lights dimmed and all of the people on stage stood up. Once the conductor stood on the podium, they all sat down. The conductor raised his hand and all the instrumentalist got in the ready position. The conductor then began to lead them into the first song. My eyes were glued to Carmilla. Her fingers moved delicately, but the sound came off strong. She had her eyes closed as she played never missing a note. She must have every single one of these songs memorized if she didn’t have to look at the sheet music in front of her. Her mouth twitched at the corner every now and then at certain parts. She was a picture of finesse. Time seemed to fly by as I focused just on her because soon it was the ending of the concert and it was time for her solo.

The conductor left the podium and stage hands came over to remove it from the stage. Carmilla had gone off stage for a moment leaving her violin propped on top of her chair. She came back holding another violin. I leaned forward to get a better look and noticed it was an electric violin and in her other hand she had an effects pedal. Well this is going to be interesting. I sat back and watched as she set up everything. She stood in the middle of the stage and took a deep breath as she raised the violin up to her shoulder. She tucked it under her chin and moved the effects pedal over a bit. The lights centered on her as she began to play and press down on the effects pedal. My skin immediately began to crawl and my heart was beating like a race horse. I gripped the arm rest tightly. I felt a hand on top of mine and glanced over to see that it was Klara’s. She gave my hand a gentle squeeze and a reassuring smile. I gulped and looked back to the stage.

Carmilla began to play Secrets by One Republic and my mind went to the time in the orchestra room in high school where I first heard her play it. I knew then I couldn’t be without her. She switched the song midway to a different one. After a moment I realized she was now playing the acoustic version of Latch by Sam Smith. I smiled remembering how happy I had been when she asked me to be her girlfriend on my birthday in that little studio in the backyard of her house. I rubbed my wrist where the charm bracelet she gave me used to be. I swallowed hard as she then moved into playing A Higher Place by Adam Levine. It was our first real fight we had. It was the first time she hurt me badly after we started dating. It was the first time I had gotten so angry with her. It was also when I realized she needed me as much as I needed her if not more. She transitioned into the next song which was Utada’s Simple and Clean from when she left here to Austria to be with her grandparents after what happened with her mom. My heart sunk. I would have said more if I knew that would be the last time I would ever see her. I would have begged her to stay. I would have begged someone to take her and Will. I would have begged her grandparents to move to the states so I could keep her close. I would have done anything to keep her with me if I knew what was going to happen once she left.

She transitioned to Ocean Avenue by Yellowcard. The first song we played together since I came here. I was nervous because I hadn’t played in front of my friends in years, but I somehow drew comfort from her. Playing with her again like that reminded me of how much I missed being close to her like that. Especially when she put her hand on my waist as we sang into the same mic. I started to feel that familiar feeling of love creeping back into my heart at that time. I didn’t want to acknowledge it. She flowed into playing Little Things by One Direction and I remembered telling her not tell me she loved me. I knew the moment she began to sing that song to me that she did. She always did. I just didn’t want to hear it. I couldn’t hear it after everything. I didn’t want to believe it.

She let the effects pedal keep looping the song as she walked over to her chair to switch out her violin. She moved back to center stage and stepped on the effects pedal to stop it as she began to play. It was Yiruma’s River Flows in You. I had to cover my mouth to stop myself from outwardly sobbing. I felt tears I didn’t know I was crying falling slowly down my cheeks onto my hand. I was afraid that night. I was afraid to kiss her, but I couldn’t stop myself. She didn’t see me as someone to pity. She just saw me. I kissed her hesitantly for the first time since seeing her again and it felt like the world was melting away to leave just the two of us there. Nothing existed except the warmth coming from her and the taste of her lips after so long. I wanted to jump in right then and there, but couldn’t. I hurt too much to do that. A piano solo began as I watched Carmilla take a deep breath. She then began to play and I didn’t recognize the song. This was a new one.

“Song from a Secret Garden by Secret Garden,” Klara whispered in my ear.

I nodded my head as I listened to the song. It was comforting and inviting. It was a warm blanket being thrown over my shoulders followed by Carmilla’s embrace. It felt like a lock box for all the things I couldn’t say. It felt safe and understanding. It felt like home. I stared at Carmilla and watched as her body rocked slightly to the music as she played with everyone following behind her. It was ethereal.

Once the song ended I quickly stood up and began to make my way down the aisle. “Laura?” Perry stopped me.

“Sorry I just need to go. I have to go.”

Perry rubbed my shoulders and pulled me into a quick hug. “You’ll be alright,” she whispered then let me go.

I nodded my head and made my way out of the concert hall. This was too much.

******************

I began to pace up and down the hallway outside of Carmilla’s apartment. It has been almost a week since her performance and practically a month since she talked to me. I laced my fingers behind my head as I paced. It’ll be alright. I can do this. I can tell her the truth. I can tell her everything. I just need to girl the hell up. I looked up at the ceiling of the hallway and shook my hands out. I can do this. I just need to start. I can do it.

I stopped in front of her door and knocked. I laced my fingers together and waited for her to answer. I knocked again and took my phone out to double check that Will had said she was home right now since he just left here. I knocked a bit harder. Great she’s not going to acknowledge that I’m even here. “Carmilla its Laura. Look I don’t need you to let me in…actually I probably won’t be able to get a word out if I saw you. I uh…I…I just need to know that you’re listening. So if you could knock on the door or something to let me know you’re there that would be great.” My hands trembled as I took a step back from the door.

There was a knock and I shook my hands out again while taking a deep breath. I stared at the door and thought about Carmilla being on the other side of it. I took a step closer and placed my hands on either side of the door frame so I could have a grip on something solid. Something concrete as I jumped into the deep end.

“I’m not going to lie and say that I wasn’t going to hook up with that girl from the art exhibit. I was going to because it’s the only way I have been able to forget about you. To forget you for even a moment no matter how brief it is. I just…I had wanted you to go to the art exhibit with me so I could walk with you and show you all of my paintings…to…to show you that I had taken your advice and created a story. Our story. I wanted to show you our story, but we argued and I didn’t know why until Kirsch told me Christmas Eve that you had seen that girl kiss me at my volleyball game. I didn’t know. I didn’t think you would be there and nothing happened. She wanted to hook up after the game, but we didn’t. I just wanted to see you after the game. I wanted to be with you.” I took a deep breath and pressed my forehead against the door. “You’re always in my head. Thoughts of you are always there and when I’m hurt I make the wrong decision like what happened at the art exhibit. I didn’t hook up with her. So I said the truth when I said it wasn’t what it looked like. I couldn’t…I couldn’t do it because I felt so empty. I felt so drained of everything that I felt hollow. Like I was no longer alive.” I gulped and tried to gain control of my voice. “I did kiss her I won’t lie about that, but I felt myself falling to pieces because of that. Then I saw you and the look on your face and I just…I just broke again and it was my fault. This is all my fault and I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” I took a deep breath as tears began to fall to the floor. “I’m so sorry I’ve messed things up. I’ve just been so afraid that I’ve been doing all the wrong things instead of just being honest with you from the beginning.”

I turned my back to the door and slid down it until I was sitting on the floor. I pulled my knees up to my chest. “I haven’t been completely honest with you and I know you know that because you’re the only one could ever know me better than I could probably ever know myself.” I leaned my head back against the door. “I know you said it wasn’t my fault…that what your mother did wasn’t my fault, but there hasn’t been a day that I’ve woken up where I didn’t blame myself for it. That I didn’t wish things had been different. That I hadn’t have been so selfish for wanting to be with you.” My voice began to quiver. “I wish that I had never fallen in love with you because then you would have been safe. You would have been ok. You would have been close to me even if not in the way I had wanted. You still would have been there.”

I tried to speak around my sobs and the fact I was beginning to find it hard to breathe. “You had died on me and then you were in a coma because you were with me…because you were my girlfriend. You have scars on your back because of me and I know…I know it’s not my fault…I know it was your mother and that she was ill, but I blame myself because it was because of me. Your mother did what she did because I loved you. Because you loved me.” I lowered my head to my knees. “You died. You died and even if it was only for a moment your heart stopped. It stopped beating because I loved you. I loved you more than anything and I could have lost you forever because of that. You could have not come back. I can’t handle the thought of going through that again.”

I hugged my knees tightly. “I can’t lose you because I love you. I can’t have me loving you be the reason why you die…the reason why you disappear forever. I can’t Carm. I can’t.” I closed my eyes. “I love you. I love you and I’m afraid that it’ll kill you. I’m afraid Carm. I’m just so afraid.” I slid my fingers into my hair and gripped it at the roots. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” I let my sobs rack through my body. “I can’t lose you like that again. I can’t…I can’t…I just can’t. And your scars only remind me of what happened. Of what my selfishness caused you…of what it did to you. They remind me that you could be dead right now because of me and I just can’t. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

There was a soft click after a few silent moments of me crying and I put my hands on the floor immediately to brace myself. The door opened and I looked through the crack to see Carmilla sitting there against the wall. She looked at me with all the heartache in the world and the weight of fear and love mixed together. She looked at me like I was a fragile porcelain cup that would break if she touched me. She held her hand out for me and I took it. She pulled me to her as her own tears began to fall. She tugged me into the space between her legs and closed the door.

I couldn’t face her. I couldn’t look at her. I pressed my back against her front as her arms wrapped around me protectively. One arm around my waist and the other across my chest. I slid my fingers between hers across my waist and gripped at her forearm across my chest. She pressed her forehead against my shoulder and I let go. I let go of everything. I let go of my fear. I let go of my love. I let go of my sorrow. I let go of my insecurities and my pain. I let go. I let go and let her hold me together. I let her be my one. My only.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can follow me at musictomyearshsau.tumblr.com for updates and other stuff.


	20. Right Here

**_Laura_ **

I slowly woke up to the feeling of circles being lazily drawn against my lower back and a thumb gently caressing my shoulder. I stayed still as I took in the feeling of my leg being thrown across her waist, my head resting on her chest, and my arm resting on top of her stomach. I remembered being carried to her bed and then curling up against her as I passed out from exhaustion. The very last thing I remember was the feeling of her lips pressing against my forehead, the feeling of her arms wrapping protectively around me, and the warmth and comfort that surrounded me.

I sighed and began to move off of her. Her hands pulled away and I felt like ice water washed over me. I wanted her to keep touching me. I moved to lie on my side and rubbed my eyes before finally opening them. She turned over on her side to face me and put her hand on my hip. She caressed my hip with her thumb. I scooted a bit closer to her to share her pillow and leaned my forehead toward hers. She met me halfway.

“I’m sorry for the way I’ve been treating you and the things that I did to hurt you,” I whispered.

“Was it just a kiss?”

“Yes.”

“Have you…uh…with anyone since we started this?”

“No.”

She pulled back a bit and I tilted my head up to meet her pained gaze. “It’s going to be a while before I can trust you.”

“I know.”

She took a deep breath. “Do you want to be with me?”

I continued to stare into her hurt filled eyes. I do want to be with her. I just don’t want to hurt her like before. Even if it wasn’t my fault, I still hurt her. “Carm…”

“Do you want to be with me?” She asked cutting me off.

I bit my bottom lip and closed my eyes. I nodded my head slightly. “Yes,” I whispered as my eyes began to fill with tears. “I want to be with you.” I opened my eyes and met her gaze. “I’ve wanted to be with you. I just…I just don’t know how to.” I felt the tears roll down my cheeks. “I’m afraid and I don’t know how to be with you because of that.”

“But do you want to be with me?”

I nodded my head. “Yes. I want to be with you.”

“Only me?”

“Yes. Only you.”

She brushed her fingers against my cheek before tucking my hair behind my ear. She cupped my cheek in the palm of her hand. “Are you going to keep in contact with those other women?”

“No,” I answered as she wiped my tears away. “I only want you.” I took a calming breath. “I’ve always wanted you.”

She searched my eyes for any hint of a lie. “What are we to each other?” She asked as she caressed my cheek.

“I want to be yours.” I swallowed past the lump of fear in my throat. “I want to be your girlfriend…if you’d have me.”

She lowered her hand to rest on my hip again. “We’ll see.” I panicked and she pressed a soft kiss to my forehead. “I mean there is still something we need to talk about before we get there.”

I was still panicked, but the hopeful look in her eyes calmed me down a bit. “You’re right.”

She caressed my hip with her thumb as we stared at one another. I closed my eyes and moved in closer tucking my head into the crook of her neck. Her other arm slid under my head and she began to work her fingers through my hair. She shouldn’t want to still try. She should want to leave me alone and not bother anymore for everything I have done to mess things up between us. She shouldn’t want or love me. Yet she’s still here and trying.

“Thank you,” I whispered.

“For what?”

“For not giving up on me.”

Her hand went from my hip to my back and held me lovingly. “I won’t ever give up on you.”

* * *

 

**_Carmilla_ **

I woke up for the second time with Laura in my arms. She had tangled our legs together and her breath was a steady rhythm against my neck. I kissed the top of her head then sneakily began to remove myself from her hold. I slipped out of the bed then covered her in my blankets and tucked her in. I looked at my alarm clock and saw that it was three in the afternoon already. I scratched my head and stared at Laura. As much as I want to keep sleeping since I haven’t slept the entire month we’ve been apart, I should make sure we get some food in our stomachs and a shower.

I walked out of the room to the living room and grabbed my home phone. I dialed the local pizza place and sat down on the arm rest of the couch with my feet hanging above the living room floor. There was a creak and my head snapped over to my room. Laura poked her head out of my room looking wide eyed. She caught sight of me and made her way quickly to me. The pizza place answered the phone just as Laura came to stand between my legs and throw her arms around me. I wrapped my free arm around her and held her tightly. I hung the phone up and tossed it on the couch cushion.

“I’m right here,” I whispered softly in her ear. “I’m right here.” She hugged me tightly and sniffled as she cried onto my shoulder. Her body began to shake and I held her even tighter. “I’m right here Laura. I love you and I’m right here.” I kissed her shoulder and began to rub circles against her back. Once she calmed down she pulled back a bit and I moved my hands to cup her face. I waited for her to lift her eyes to mine. “I am right here. I’m not going anywhere. No one is taking me away from you.” She nodded her head. I wiped the tears from her eyes then pressed a reassuring kiss to her forehead. “I am right here.”

She gripped my shirt tightly in her hands. “I’m sorry. I just…I just thought…sorry.”

I put my hands on her hips and pulled her close again. I pressed my forehead to hers. “I know and I’m not going anywhere,” I whispered against her lips.

She nodded her head then rubbed her nose against mine. I inhaled sharply at the proximity of her lips to mine. She hovered her lips above mine and I parted my lips slightly as I breathed her in feeling every languid breath she took as I hope she was doing the same with me. Drinking each other into each other’s lungs to ensure that we were both alive. To ensure that we were both here together. To ensure that this wasn’t just a dream. She took a deep breath then pulled back. I met her hazy gaze with my own and we stared at one another trying to grasp a hold of the ground we seemed to have forgotten existed.

I blinked to clear the fog from my mind as I moved my hands from her hips to her hands that were resting on my shoulders. She took in a deep settling breath and closed her eyes. She held her breath for a moment then let it out slowly. She looked at me and her eyes weren’t cloudy anymore. I brought her hands to my lips and kissed the palms of them. Her stomach growled and I couldn’t stop myself from smiling. She blushed and looked away.

“Maybe we should get something to eat,” she suggested.

I reached behind me to grab the phone off the couch cushion. “I was thinking pizza.”

She stepped closer as I began to dial and laid her head on my shoulder. “That would be great.”

 

 

 

 

 

I sat on the couch and flipped through the channels on my TV as I waited for Laura to finish showering. The left over pizza sat in the box on the coffee table along with a few soda cans. I stopped flipping through the channels and just left some random movie on. I got up from the couch and grabbed the pizza box so I could shove it in the fridge for later. I grabbed a few more sodas from my fridge and set them down on the coffee table. I heard the shower turn off as I sat back down and waited for Laura to come back.

I listened as her feet padded down the hallway. She was wearing my black sweatpants and red hoodie. She sat down cross-legged and stared at me. I turned to give her my full attention.

“Something wrong?”

“Why do you have a toy sword hanging up in your bathroom?”

I raised my eyebrow. “Barely noticed it?”

She shook her head. “No. I just never wanted to ask.”

“But now you do?”

She bit her lip and looked away. “I just never pictured you having something like that.”

I hummed and looked away. Well shit. This is not how I wanted to start the conversation about my Mother and Laura’s fear. I sighed and closed my eyes as I scratched my head. “When my Mother tried to drown me in the lake, she first told me a story about how her and her friend had been playing with the toy sword where they would toss it somewhere and try to find it underwater. They never found it after the last time they threw it.” I opened my eyes and watched as Laura stiffened and I could see the fear gripping her heart. “I had given up. I was tired from treading water, I couldn’t get much air in my lungs, and my Mother’s words were taking a toll on me mentally. I decided to let go.” I looked down at my hands. “I was going to let go until I saw the toy sword shoved between two rocks. The entire time I was going through that, I was thinking about you. I was fighting myself about whether or not you loved me and would continue to love me because Mother kept saying you wouldn’t. She kept saying that you would leave me. I didn’t want to believe her, but doubt is a curse that many cannot escape from.” I looked back to her to see her struggling to breathe. I moved closer and put my hands on top of hers. “My Mother worked hard to make me give up that night, but when I found that sword I decided I was going to keep fighting. Whether you stayed with me or not, I was going to be there to love you. I fought to live in a world where you existed because to lose you would be the end of me. I chose to fight for myself and for what I wanted. I chose to survive and to keep surviving no matter what happened.”

I reached up to wipe away her tears as she closed her eyes and took in ragged breaths. “I’m here because of you. I’m here because I fought to be here for you. I’m here because you loved me and because you never saw me as a monster. You didn’t turn your back on me when I told you about my addiction, about Elle, about how I harmed myself, how I tried to kill myself, and about my Mother. You stayed and you loved me despite it all.”

Laura uncrossed her legs. I shuffled closer and sat up on my knees as I cupped her face in my hands and tilted her head back slightly to meet my gaze. “You are not at fault. None of what happened was your fault. You are the reason why I kept fighting. You are the reason why I am right here right now. You are why I am here able to look at you, to hold you, to care for you, to support you, to fight for you, to love you. You are my reason, my strength, my sanity, my heart. I am alive because of you. No matter what happens in the future, it will always be you. I will always fight to be in a world with you.”

Her hands moved to grip at the back of my shirt. “I can’t get rid of the fear you have of losing me. I can’t tell you that nothing bad will ever happen. I can’t tell you something I have no control over, but I can tell you I will never stop fighting. I will never give up on you or us.” I pressed my forehead to hers as I swallowed past my own need to crumble before her. “Love is selfish and God if that is wrong then I don’t want to be told what is right. I would rather be wrongly selfishly in love with you than to not have you with me.” I moved back to stare into her eyes. “I want to be enough. I want this all to be enough for you because I know I don’t deserve you. I never did. I love you and I want it to be enough to calm the storm in your heart. I want it to be enough to get rid of some of the fear. I only want it to be enough for you to be selfishly in love with me.”

She took a choking breath as a sob threatened to leave her mouth. Tears spilled from her eyes as a war waged itself in her eyes and in her being. “I love you Laura and you can love me and be as selfish as you want because I’m strong enough to fight for the both of us when you find that you can’t any longer.”

I let go of her face and placed my hands on the arm rest of the couch encasing her between my arms. I leaned down and pressed my forehead to hers. “I love you.” Her hands moved up my back until they hooked onto my shoulders. “It’s always been only for you,” I whispered. I leaned down more and captured her lips with my own.

Her hands gripped my shoulders tightly as she kissed me greedily. As she kissed me as if I would disappear from right in front of her. As she kissed me like it would be the last time. As she kissed me like I was only a dream she would soon wake up from. As she kissed as if she would fall apart. I cupped her face in my hands again and kissed her with every ounce of my being. I kissed her with the intent to give her the strength she needs. To give her every part of me that she so desperately needed. I kissed her and felt myself falling apart. I’m afraid. I’m afraid I’m not enough. I’m afraid I’ll never be enough. I’m afraid because I don’t want to ever leave her.

Her hands moved from my shoulders to my face and she began to kiss me tenderly. To kiss me with strength and care. To kiss me selfishly. She kissed me as her thumbs gently caressed my cheeks. She kissed me reassuringly. She kissed me with everything she had to give.

We kissed and held the pieces of each other together.

* * *

 

**_Laura_ **

I rest my head against her shoulder as she flipped through the channels on her TV. It was nearing nine o’clock at night and there seemed to be nothing on at this time. I wrapped an arm around her stomach and nuzzled my head against her shoulder. She leaned her head on top of mine and kept caressing my arm gently. She settled on some random documentary about sting rays and set the remote down.

I was feeling better than when I had first come here. I’m still afraid of losing her. I’m still afraid to love her. I’m still afraid to be with her, but I am more afraid to not be with her. I am more afraid of not being with her and losing her than I am with being with her and losing her. I want to be selfish. I want to be selfishly in love with her. I want to love her recklessly and dangerously. I want to love her.

She grabbed my hand and moved it from her stomach to rest on top of her chest. She pressed my hand just above her heart. I could feel it beating languidly beneath my hand. She started to tap the back of my hand with her fingers to the beat of her own heart. I closed my eyes and focused on listening to the small tapping noise her finger made. She began humming lowly. After a while she soon stopped. I didn’t want her to.

“Laura?”

“Yeah.”

“Could you do me a favor?”

“Anything.”

She removed her arm from around my shoulders and let go of my hand. “Could you get up real quick?”

I looked at her curiously. “Alright.” I got up from the couch then watched as she laid down flat.

She looked up at me and opened her arms. “Come here.” I climbed on top of her. She spread her legs open so I could settle between them. “Rest your head on my chest please,” she said.

I adjusted myself until my head rested on her chest. She reached over and shut the TV off. “Carm what are you…?”

“Shh…just listen,” she cut me off.

I sighed and closed my eyes. One of her hands rested on my back and began to tap out a steady rhythm. I relaxed into her and closed my eyes. I felt her stomach rise and fall with every breath she took. Then I focused on the heartbeat pounding in my ear. This is what she wanted me to hear. This is what she wanted me to focus on. The tapping of her finger on my back matched the beating of her heart. I longingly took in every beat. I took it in and let it shove down the fear I held. This is what’s most important. This heartbeat beneath me. I am a fool to think that I can go another day without hearing this sound.

“We’ll do it all, everything, on our own. We don’t need anything or anyone. If I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?” She began to sing as her fingers began to tap out the piano keys around the beating of her heart. She kept singing only for me.

“Let’s waste time chasing cars around our heads. And if I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?” I sang with her. “Forget what we’re told before we get too old. Show me a garden that’s bursting into life.”

I pushed myself up and hovered over her. I stared into her starry eyes. “All that I am, all that I ever was, is here in your perfect eyes. They’re all I can see.”

She placed her hands on my hips as she sang with me. I leaned down to sing against her lips. “And if I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?” We whispered together.

I kissed her passionately to tell her I loved her. To tell her I was here for her. To tell her I understood. To tell her I wasn’t as scared anymore. I pulled back slowly. “I love you,” I said confidently.


	21. Never Better

**_Laura_ **

I sat on the couch with the cup of hot chocolate between my hands. She sat down next to me with her coffee and we watched as the morning news played out on the TV without really paying attention to it. I leaned forward and set my hot chocolate down on the coffee table then turned my body to face her. She took a sip of her coffee before leaning forward to put her cup down as well. I crossed my legs and put my hands in my lap. I stared down at my hands as I clasped them together. I looked up at her to see her staring at me mirroring my position. I glanced back down at my hands. I shook my hands then stood up. I began to pace back and forth in front of her. I took a deep breath as I scratched my head and listened to her change her position to face me.

I stopped pacing and looked at her. She looked at me curiously. I moved over and kneeled down in front of her. I reached out and grabbed her hands. I pulled them to my lips and kissed every fingertip and the palms of her hands then her wrists slowly and preciously. I pressed her hands to my heart and stared up into her eyes.

“You are the most caring, loving, honest, smart, beautiful person I know. You were always there for me in high school and took care of me better than anyone. You have been there for me recently and have taken better care of me than anyone else has. You always know what I need and what to do to make me feel something when I feel nothing. Only you have ever accepted everything about me without pity, without the need to protect me, and without feeling like you had to say sorry all the time.” I brought her hands to my lips and kissed them adoringly. “I love you because you support me, you take care of me without being overbearing, you are my partner in things and don’t try to tell me what to do, you know how to be there even when you’re not, you love me unconditionally, and you don’t give up on me even when you should.” I leaned up and wrapped my arms around her neck. “You are more than enough for me. You are everything. I don’t know how I got so lucky to know someone so compassionate and admirable, but I’m thankful every day for it.”

I tucked some of her hair behind her ear then caressed her cheek while staring fondly into her eyes. “I don’t know what I can say or do to make you feel that you are enough, to make you feel that you deserve me, but whatever I have to do I will do it every day without fail. I am yours and only yours. I only ever want to be yours. You are all I want and all I need and that’s enough for me.” I kissed her tenderly then pressed my forehead against hers. “And I can also be strong for the both of us when you feel you can’t be. I’m here for you just as much as you’re here for me.”

She leaned closer and rubbed her nose against mine before pulling back to gaze into my eyes. “I’m enough?” She asked with a small voice.

“More than.”

She nodded her head slightly and bit her lip. “Come here cupcake.”

I got up from the floor and her hands went to my waist. She pulled me onto her lap and I adjusted myself to straddle her. She wrapped her arms around my waist and leaned her forehead against my chest. I kissed the top of her head and began to run my fingers comfortingly through her hair scratching at her scalp a bit. She hummed in appreciation then pressed a lingering kiss to my chest just above my heart. She tilted her head up to look at me and I could see the silent tears that had made their way down her cheeks. I brushed them away then leaned down to capture her lips in a tender and devoted kiss.

“Only for you,” I whispered against her lips.

“Only for you,” she whispered back.

* * *

 

**_Carmilla_ **

I lay on top of her and hummed appreciatively as she ran her fingers through my hair. I was content in lying on the couch with her with my ear pressed against her chest listening to her heartbeat beat against my ear. It was relaxing and I found myself steadily drifting off to sleep. She moved her hand away from my hair and I whined at the loss of contact. She chuckled and began to run her fingers through my hair again. I sighed happily and nuzzled her chest in thanks. I could feel her smile as she scratched at the base of my neck and I hummed again.

“You know Will calling you Kitty might not be too far off,” she mused.

I frowned slightly. “Why do you say that?”

“Because you are acting very cat like right now,” she said while trying not to laugh.

I groaned, “Am not.”

“Are too.” She scratched my head again and I couldn’t stop myself from humming. “See? Very cat like.”

I sighed. “Whatever creampuff.”

It went silent again, so I decided to get comfy and try to go back to falling asleep. I should have known she wouldn’t allow me to do that.

“Carm?”

“Hmm…?”

“What are we?”

I opened my eyes and blinked a few times before lifting my head to look at her. She stopped running her fingers through my hair as I stared at her. Its odd hearing that question directed at me instead of me asking it. Things aren’t perfect. We still need to get to know one another as we are now, but that will come with time. As will our insecurities and fears slowly subsiding to where they can’t make us jump to the first conclusion or worst case scenario. It’s not perfect but perfection is a misconception that can destroy a relationship rather than build and maintain one. I don’t want a perfect relationship anyway. I want a relationship where we grow together, learn from each, and support one another. A relationship where I can still be me and she can still be her, but we can still work together.

I got up and quickly surveyed the living room for a pen and paper. I went into the kitchen to check the drawers there and found a pen and some post-it notes. I brought them back with me to the couch. Laura was sitting up looking highly confused, panicked, and concerned. I sat down next to her and crossed my legs. I balanced the post-it notes on my thigh and scribbled on the first one to make sure the pen worked. I ripped the first post-it off then crumbled it and tossed it into the kitchen to put in the trash later. She gave me a bit of a glare for making a mess and I just shrugged.

“Ok so this might sound ridiculous, but I think we need to put everything down before we start a relationship,” I began. “So I’m going to start.” I scribbled down on the post-it note. “I believe I am not enough and don’t deserve to be with you,” I said out loud as I wrote. I went to rip the post-it off, but she quickly grabbed my hand to stop me.

“Let me see.” She grabbed the post-it and my pen and pulled it into her lap. She drew a line under what I wrote and began to write. “I will spend every day showing you that you are more than enough and deserve the world.” She ripped the post-it off and stuck it to the coffee table. She then began to write again. “I’m afraid loving you will cause you to disappear forever.”

She held out the post-it and pen for me and I took it. I drew a line under what she wrote and wrote underneath it. “I will always fight to come back for you.” I ripped the post-it off and placed it next to the other one. “I have nightmares some nights and can’t get back to sleep.” I handed her the post-it and pen.

She drew a line. “I will stay up with you and comfort you until you can sleep easy.” She stuck it next to the other two. “I have days where I feel so heavy I can’t get out of bed.”

“I will bring you cookies and lay with you for as long as you need me to.” I stuck it to the table. “I sometimes get scared because of my PTSD.”

“I will do my best to ease your unrest and keep you safe from triggers.” She reached out and squeezed my hand then wrote on the next post-it. “I sometimes refuse to take my medication for depression and October is not a good month.”

“I will not bug you to take your medication, but I will strongly suggest you do so. I will never be gone in October.” I stuck it to the table then grabbed her hand and kissed it. “I can’t be in small enclosed places.”

“I will keep you away from such places and when it can’t be avoided, I will keep you with me until it’s over.” She stuck it to the table. “I only drink hot chocolate in the morning.”

I smiled and took the post-it. “I will make sure we always have hot chocolate.” I drew a little cup of hot chocolate in the bottom right corner. “I buy too many books and leave them in random places.”

She smiled. “I will organize your books so you can always find them and I won’t trip over them or ruin them.” She drew a book in the bottom right corner.

We went back and forth passing the post-it notes and pen between us. The coffee table steadily began to fill up with the post-it-notes and we were getting down to the last couple in the stack. We had some serious ones, but there were plenty of light hearted ones thrown in. Some of them had little drawings at the corners. We were having fun, but also making each other aware of some of the things that haunted us. Some of the things that made us jump or not able to function.

I stared down at the post-it note on my thigh. “I will never purposefully hurt you again.”

“I will never purposefully hurt you.” She added it to our pile. “I will talk to you when something is bothering me.”

“I will talk or write when something is bothering me.” I added it to our pile. I stared down at the post-it note again and then to all of the ones on the table. I smiled. “Seulement pour toi.”

She smiled. “Only for you.” She drew little hearts around the words. She stuck it on the table. She tapped the end of the pen against her chin for a moment. “Love is strange and unconditional.”

“Love is selfish yet gentle.” I wrote.

“Love is not perfect.”

“Love is support and effort.”

“Love is easy yet not.”

“Love is foolish yet rewarding.”

“Love is.”

“Love is.” I looked at her before I wrote the last word in all capitals. “YOU.” I ripped it off and stuck it on the table. She grabbed the post-it notes and pen from my hands and placed them on the table.

She wrapped her arms around me. “So what are we?”

I wrapped my arms around her waist and glanced at the coffee table of post-it notes. I looked back into her eyes. “We are friends, we are in love, and we are possibly girlfriends.”

“Possibly?”

I smirked. “Well you have to give me an answer on that cutie.”

She smiled. “It’s a yes.”

“Good.” I leaned in and kissed her happily.

* * *

 

**_Laura_ **

I groaned as Carmilla’s phone began to ring from her bedroom. She didn’t stir at the noise and I sighed. I got up from laying on her as stealthily as possible then made my way down the hall to her room. I went over to her night stand and picked her phone up. I yawned as I tried to comb my hair with my fingers. The caller ID showed that Will was calling her. I went ahead and accepted the call.

“Hello?”

There was silence for a moment. _“Laura?”_ He asked shocked.

“Yes. What’s going on?”

_“You’re answering Carmilla’s phone.”_

“I know.”

There was another long pause of disbelief. _“Is Carmilla there?”_

“Yes, but she’s sleeping at the moment.”

_“Oh…”_ Another long pause as I sat down on her bed. _“Did you stay there all day yesterday?”_

“I did actually.”

_“Did you two talk?”_

“Yes Will we talked.”

_“Good. Good. Awesome.”_ A longer awkward pause followed.

“Was there something you wanted?”

_“Oh right. Yes. I was calling because I hadn’t seen or heard from Carmilla, so I just wanted to check in and see if she was okay.”_

I turned my head at the creak the floorboard made and saw Carmilla at the entrance of her room. “She’s doing alright. We’ve just been talking about some things is all.” Carmilla made her way over to me then climbed onto her bed. She wrapped an arm around me while curling up behind me. I turned a bit to my right and brushed my fingers along her cheek before tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. She hummed and snuggled against my waist a bit more. She is a total cat.

_“Alright. Well you two should make an appearance at some point before Perry decides to send in the National Guard.”_

I leaned down and pressed a kiss to her temple. A small smile crossed her face. “I’ll see if I can get her to go to the café in a bit.” She pouted at the mention of the café and I ran my thumb over her bottom lip. She opened her mouth slightly. My heart began to race as she opened her eyes then looked up at me with these sleepy hungry eyes. I pulled my hand back and tried to calm myself.

_“That would be great. I work tonight, but everyone is coming in to hang out before school starts on Tuesday.”_

I closed my eyes and groaned. “I totally forgot about that.”

_“Don’t worry I think Danny and Perry got your books already.”_

I opened then closed my mouth. “How would they know what books I needed?”

There was a long moment of silence. _“Well uh JP and LaFontaine did something and got our class schedules and booklists, so Perry and Danny went and got everything.”_

“Why does it sound like there is more to that story than what you’re saying?”

_“Because there is, but hey you can totally ask the people in question yourself when you come tonight. At six o’clock_.”

“Will…”

_“It wasn’t bad. Just at least you and Carmilla don’t have to go get your books last minute.”_

I sighed. “Fine. We’ll be there at six.”

_“Great. See you later.”_

I hung up the phone. “What did the dimwit squad do this time?” She asked while running her fingers through her hair to tame her curls.

“JP and LaF did something where they got a hold of our booklists for this semester, so Danny and Perry already went shopping for us.”

“Lovely. I don’t have to deal with the morons at the bookstore.” She rolled over onto her back. “I don’t want to go to the café,” she whined.

I climbed on top of her and straddled her waist. “You’re going because your brother is worried.”

“Who cares about Will. I just want to stay holed up here like we did yesterday.” Her hands snaked slowly up my thighs to my waist.

“That sounds good for you, but I would rather go see everyone at the café than have them show up here unannounced.” I leaned down and kissed her lips sweetly. “Come on. I need to shower then head back to my dorm for some clothes.” I swung off of her and made my way to her shower.

“You can borrow my clothes. I mean I may be taller than you, but I’m sure something fits you.”

“You’re short too.”

“But not as short as you.” I glared at her. “You know that bunched up face you make is just hilarious buttercup.”

I rolled my eyes. “Where have I heard that line before.”

She chuckled then sat up on her elbows. She stared playfully at me. “I’m sure it’s been said a few times.” There has to be a law against her looking at me like she wants nothing more than to eat me up.

I looked away and made my way to her closet. “Right. I’m going to shower first.” A very, very, very cold shower.

 

 

 

 

 

Carmilla wrapped her arm around my shoulders and pulled me close to her. She rubbed her extremely cold nose against the side of my neck then kissed it with her icy lips. I shivered from the contact and shook my head. She pressed a kiss to my cheek then looked back to the sidewalk to focus on actually walking. It’s strange how quickly we can get in tune with one another despite everything. It’s like our bodies know exactly how to move with and around each other without having to give it another thought. Mix that with the way we love each other and it’s like we have a whole dance choreographed without needing to go over the steps. I’m sure there are going to be some speed bumps eventually, but moments like these are just simple, like breathing.

She slipped her arm off my shoulders to grab the door for me. I walked in ahead of her then reached my hand back for her to take it. She took my hand and threaded our fingers together. Her fingers were like icicles. I should have done more to get her to wear some gloves for her hands. I spotted the table where everyone was at and lead her over to it. Everyone was laughing and playing some board game. When we got closer Kirsch was the first to see us. His eyes went down to our joined hands and he gave us a very puppy like grin. Danny saw Kirsch grinning then looked to where he was starring. She raised her eyebrow at our joined hands, but smiled and beckoned us over.

“Haven’t seen the both of you in a while,” Danny said.

“Well more like content versions of you,” JP corrected.

“They could be clones of the people we know as Carmilla and Laura,” LaF said looking us up and down while tapping their fingers on the table eagerly.

“You are not doing any sort of experiment on us LaFrankenstein,” Carmilla grumbled.

“Now that just ruins the fun,” LaF said slightly pouty.

“Uh huh,” Carmilla answered. She pulled a chair over for herself and set it next to mine. I grabbed her hands and encased them between mine. I brought them to my mouth and tried to warm them up using my breath.

“Ok really you two are gross,” Danny said.

“No one asked you Bean Stalk,” Carmilla said snarky.

I rubbed my hands against Carmilla’s then pulled one of her hands onto my thigh and threaded our fingers together. “What are we playing?”

“Monopoly and Perry has already begun to clean us all out even though it’s only been twenty minutes since we got here,” JP explained.

“I am merely making the smart purchases,” Perry defended.

“No one buys all of the railroads in twenty minutes,” JP complained.

“Perry is just lucky tonight,” LaF said. “Or all the time,” they then whispered for only me to hear.

I smiled. “I’ll wait for the next round then since it doesn’t look like it will take too long.”

“Don’t think that just because you’re coming in next round you can be grossly entertained by your girlfriend,” Danny commented as she landed in jail and sighed in frustration.

“Yeah Hollis, you actually have to interact with us,” LaF said with a smug grin on their face. “You too Karnstein.”

“As long as you don’t bore me to death I should be fine,” Carmilla said.

“Kitty, Laura, nice to see you’re both alive,” Will said setting a cup of coffee in front of Carmilla and hot chocolate in front of me.

“Well I was enjoying my naps until someone had to ruin that,” Carmilla said sarcastically.

“Sorry to be a concerned brother,” Will said sarcastically back.

“Sorry Will. I’ll text you next time so you know she’s alive,” I said.

“Much appreciated,” Will answered then stuck his tongue out at Carmilla. She returned the favor then took a sip of her coffee.

I shook my head then turned back to the group. Carmilla caressed my hand with her thumb as I got JP and LaFontaine to tell me how they got a hold of my booklist for this semester. Apparently the two of them were trying to look up JP’s grade and professor comments for his presentation and they ended up finding a way to download the whole school’s database onto their computer and have full access to everyone’s records and accounts. Perry chastised them when they mentioned using their new found access to pull pranks on random students and the administration. Danny said she would drop off our books tomorrow when she finished up her morning workout.

It was nice to talk with everyone and actually be able to fully pay attention. I have been neglecting everyone a lot, so I’m going to need to start reconnecting with them again. I just hope they don’t hate me for not paying attention to them because of everything with Carmilla. Speaking of which. I glanced over to Carmilla and smiled at her. She gave me a small smile then drank some of her coffee. I’m glad things are better now. We’ll really need to stick to our promise of communicating when something is wrong because I don’t want to be torn away from her again.

* * *

 

**_Carmilla_ **

“I’ll be back creampuff.”

“Ok.”

I let go of her hand and made my way to the diner top with my empty cup of coffee. I stood at the top waiting for Will to finish up with his other customers so I could get a hot chocolate instead and maybe a few cookies. Pancakes actually sound good right about now too. Someone pressed against my side and a few other people crowded around me as they took up the stools on my other side. I began to feel closed in and my breathing began to accelerate. I pressed my hands flat against the counter top to try to ground myself. I closed my eyes. I felt arms snake around my waist and my body began to unwind from its state of tenseness.

“Carm,” Laura’s voice whispered in my ear. I took a moment to focus on her arms around me. “You are just as short as me.”

I broke out in a laugh. “Really cupcake?” I turned to look at her.

She smiled at me. “Only thing I could think of.”

I shook my head. Well that certainly snapped me out of my state real quick. “You’re something else.”

“I know.”

There was a cough behind us. I looked up to see Perry standing there. “Laura do you mind if I speak with Carmilla for a moment?”

Laura glanced at me seeing as she felt me tense up again. I gave her a slight nod. “Sure thing Perry. I’m going to head back to our table.” Laura gave me a tight hug then walked back to our table.

“Another coffee Kitty?” Will asked.

“No. Hot chocolate and some chocolate chip cookies,” I answered.

“Gotcha. You Perry?”

“I’m fine,” she said.

He disappeared and I looked to the uptight ginger. “If you’re going to reprimand me again for being with Laura I don’t want to hear it. I already know how you feel,” I said bluntly.

She pressed her fingertips together then began to pick at them. “I was rude before and I know that. I shouldn’t have said what I did in the manner I did, but I was only trying to look out for Laura. I was there for her when you left and for everything else that happened.”

“I know,” I said.

She nodded her head. “I didn’t want that happening again and I guess I didn’t understand why she would ever want to be with you again. I didn’t realize it until you two got into your argument.” I stayed silent not knowing what to say. “I see why now you two can’t stay away from one another and I want to let you know that you need to take care of her. She needs to be taken care of and loved. She deserves that and you’re the only one who has been able to give that to her in the way she needs it.” Perry looked up at me. “You’re good for her despite everything that has happened between you two and it’s taken me a while to realize that. I’m sorry.”

“Here you go,” Will interrupted by placing the hot chocolate and plate of cookies in front of me.

“Thanks,” I said. He turned and went back to his other customers. I turned back to Perry. “I understood where you were coming from and even though you could have said it in a nicer way, I did understand the concern. I’m not going to hurt Laura like that again,” I said sincerely.

“I know,” she said. “I’m sorry still.”

I nodded my head. “It’s fine.”

She nodded her head twice then grabbed the plate of cookies. “I’ll carry these.”

I grabbed my cup of hot chocolate. “Thanks.”

We walked back to the table together. I sat down next to Laura as Perry set the plate of cookies down in the general reach of everyone. Perry nodded at me twice again as she wiped her hands against her jeans then went back to her seat.

“Everything alright?” Laura asked leaning close so only I could hear.

“Never better,” I said.

She nodded then grabbed a cookie. I looked around the table to all the people I call my friends and watched as they smiled and laughed. I even glanced back to see Will running around behind the diner top attending to his customers and working hard. It’s taken a while to get to this point. Many mistakes were made and many secrets were revealed and shared up to this point. To sit here now was a great thing. Laura got my attention by holding up her cookie that she just took a bite out of and I took a bite out of it as well. She grabbed my hand and laced our fingers together.

Yeah. Never better for sure.

 


	22. Stay Calm

**_Laura_ **

My fingers clicked away at my laptop as I worked on the ridiculous “Get to Know You” paper my English Lit professor is requiring from the class. I reached over for a cookie and brushed against Carmilla’s hand who also reached out at the same time. I glanced over to her. She smirked and snatched the cookie I was going for and began to munch on it. I narrowed my eyes at her and she simply shrugged. I grabbed a different cookie and began to eat it while trying to type one handed.

I glanced back at her from the corner of my eye and got distracted by her long delicate fingers smoothly and carefully turning the page in her book. I wonder if she’d be that careful when exploring my body. I mentally shook my head. Focus on your paper Laura. I clapped my hands together to get the cookie crumbs off my hand. I went back to typing my paper at lightning speed so I could meet up with Danny later today in the caf on time. Then I’m going to meet up with LaF and Perry tonight. Tomorrow I have to meet up with Kircsh then JP. From there I need to catch up with Melina and Klara. Especially Melina since she just transferred in this semester after being here all last semester exploring Austria and being with Klara to get a degree in Creative Writing and Photography.

I stared at the clock on my computer then went back to typing. Just one more page and I am fully done.

“Do you have to meet with the Bean Stalk today?” Carmilla asked bored.

“Yes. I’ve been shutting everyone out, so I need to catch up and actually pay attention to our friends.”

“But does it have to be this weekend?”

I stopped typing. “Why do you ask?” I looked over to her.

She kept staring at her book. “I just wanted to have a weekend with you like last weekend, but minus the talking and more relaxing.”

I slid my fingers into my hair as I leaned my cheek into the palm of my hand. I reached out and ran a finger along the back of her hand up to her elbow. She bit down on her lip. “I’m not leaving you. I just need to make time for our friends. They’re important to me too.” I ran my finger back down to the back of her hand.

Her fingers shifted their grip on the book. “I know.”

I leaned over and pressed a lingering kiss to her cheek. “You have me in times like now and other times where I’m not with our friends.”

She nodded her head. “If only they could leave me alone and not inform me of all that is happening in their lives.”

I smiled. “You know they’re important to you too.”

“That’s debatable.”

“Carm…”

She rolled her eyes. “Fine. It’s nice knowing that none of them are in some immediate danger or suffering from some horrible disaster.”

I tucked some of her curly hair behind her ear and pressed a kiss to her jawline. “You are so loving.”

“I am no such thing.”

“Yes you are.”

She pressed her lips into a thin line. I pressed my forehead against her cheek and giggled before kissing her cheek again. “Just admit that you do actually care for our friends.”

“Not in a million years buttercup.” A small smile played at the corner of her mouth.

She really is very loving.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Hey Danny!” I said as I got closer to the table she had gotten us towards the corner of the caf.

“Hey Hollis! Long time no see.” She got up and wrapped me in a hug.

“It’s only been a few days since you’re my Lit TA this semester.”

“True, but still. Haven’t seen you like this in a while.” She gestured vaguely to all of me.

I quirked my eyebrow. “What do you mean?”

She sat down. “You seem more alive now than ever. It’s nice.”

I took the seat across from her. “I’m feeling better now.”

“So things are going alright with Carmilla after last weekend?”

I nodded my head. “Yes. It’s been easier to just be with her now that we have everything out in the open. We still have our moments where we think one of us is leaving, but it’s easier now to calm down.”

“That’s good to hear. I’m sure you too can work out just about anything now.”

“Yeah. We can.” I sat up straight. “How are things with you? I know we haven’t talked about the Michael thing since what happened out in the quad.”

She took a deep breath. “Well he’s finally left me alone, so Kirsch has been able to go back to doing whatever he does.”

“That’s good.”

“It is. I’m just glad I realized what the relationship was before it went farther than it was already at.” She sighed and stared over at the food line. “Kirsch has been really helpful with keeping my mind off it, so I’m thankful for him.”

“Kirsch is a great guy. He’s always there when we need him.”

“He really is,” she picked at the sleeve of her sweater.

“What’s wrong?”

She shook her head. “Nothing.”

“Danny…”

She tilted her head from one side to the other then glanced up at me. “I think I might be developing feelings for Kirsch.”

My jaw dropped. “Wow. Really?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know really. I don’t know if it’s just because he’s been there for me throughout this whole fallout with Michael or whatever. I haven’t told anyone else and I don’t want to make it a big deal if it is because he’s been there for me when I needed him the most.”

I nodded my head. “I won’t tell anyone...well maybe Carmilla, but no one else. Especially not LaFontaine.”

Danny narrowed her eyes on me. “I think telling Elvira would be worse than telling LaFontaine.”

“True, but at least if I tell Carmilla now she won’t yell it out once she figures it out on her own.”

“That is true.” She looked down at the table. “She probably knows it already anyway since she’s been helping me out with my issues as well.”

I tilted my head. “You’ve been talking to Carmilla?” That explains why she said she’d wish they wouldn’t bug her, even though I know she wouldn’t ever turn them away if they needed help.

“Yes. She’s actually really great and a good listener, but don’t tell her I said that. I will deny it until the world ends.”

I smiled. “I won’t. I promise.”

“Anyway let’s get some food. I’m starving right now,” she said while getting up.

“Sure thing.”

* * *

 

**_Carmilla_ **

I looked at the big puppy dog sitting across from me. “So how did talking with Laura go yesterday?”

He smiled a wide goofy smile. “Good. Little nerd looks so much happier now.”

I rolled my eyes. “Why do I get the feeling you’re trying to take credit for that?”

“Well like I did help like tons you know. So yeah I take some…um…credit.” He smiled widely. “And you know it. So like I should get a thank you.”

I rolled my eyes again. “Whatever.” He frowned like a kicked puppy. I grumbled.

“What I can’t hear you,” he said.

I sighed. “Thank you.”

Will sat down next to me. “I think I need a thank you as well,” he said.

“Don’t push it Willy boy,” I growled.

He smirked and wrapped an arm around my shoulder and tried to plant a kiss on my cheek. “Come here sis. I love you so much and am so glad you’re so happy now.”

I shoved at him. “Eww get away from me.”

“Just one kiss big sis.” He kissed my hand as I shoved his face away.

“Kiss the table.”

He laughed and pulled away. “Close enough to a thank you I’ll ever get.”

I groaned. “You both are annoying.”

He nudged my shoulder. “So how are things going with the tiny gay?”

“Good. She’s just been playing catch up with everyone,” I said before taking a sip of my coffee.

“But things are still good between you two right?” Kirsch asked worriedly.

“Yes Kirsch. Everything is still fine. She’s going to stay over tonight.”

“How’s that by the way?” Will asked.

“What do you mean?”

“Being that close. Isn’t it weird or something?”

I looked down at my coffee. “No it’s not actually. It feels right.” I smiled. “It feels like home.” They both smiled widely. “Don’t ever mention I said that,” I warned.

Kirsch shook his head and Will raised his hands in surrender. “Secret’s safe with me Kitty,” Will said around a laugh.

I shook my head. “You both are a pain in the ass.”

“We know,” Will said.

I shook my head. “Why did I agree to a lunch with you two again?”

“Because you love us,” Will said.

“You really love us,” Kirsch added.

I tilted my head back. “Shut up.”

They laughed loudly drawing the attention of others. Annoying as hell, but I do love these twerps.

 

 

 

 

 

I felt my lungs filling up with water as the darkness began to swoop in around me eating away at all the light. The water drowning me was stained red as I shouted from the pain of my flesh being ripped open on my back. More water entered my lungs and I felt myself getting light headed. Can’t breathe. I reached my hand out to the remaining sliver of light. I felt a hand clasp around my ankle long finger nails digging into my skin pulling me down as I struggled. I kicked at the unknown entity as I choked from the water in my lungs. Black. Everything is black. The light is gone. I can’t. I can’t anymore. I reached my hand out again as a last ditch effort as I slowly sank to the bottom of this hell. Help. Help me. Help me! HELP ME! I jolted awake taking in a deep breath. I gripped the sheets around me and gasped for air. Help me. Please. Won’t someone help me?

“I’ve got you Carm. I’ve got you,” Laura whispered soothingly. One of her arms went around my waist while the other slid under the back of my shirt and rubbed slow calming circles against my back.

I gripped the sheets tighter as her hand went over some of the scars on my back. The feeling of my flesh being ripped open coursing through my memories. It was too hot. Too hot. Stop. Stop please. I can’t. It hurts. It hurts. She stopped rubbing my back. Her hand slid out from under my shirt and she began to run her fingers through my hair.

“I’m sorry Carm. I won’t do that again ok?”

I fought for air to get in my lungs as her fingers steadily combed through my hair. I closed my eyes tightly. I am not there. I am not there. I am free. I am free. I am alright. I am safe. I am safe. My heart began to slow down as my breathing began to even out. I leaned into her and her arm moved to cradle me against her.

“I’ve got you,” she whispered.

I shifted to press my ear against her chest. She slowly moved to lie down and held me against her. I shifted against her to press tightly against her side. My ear pressed against her chest greedily taking in every thump of her heart. I let my fear and pain wash away with every beat her heart made. She wrapped her arms around me tightly and kissed the top of my head. I took a deep breath then began to try to match my breathing to hers. I wonder if I can match my heart beat to hers as well. I wrapped an arm around her waist.

Her fingers slowly began to run through my hair again. I felt the feeling of being dragged and drowned in water surrounded by my own blood slowly work its way out of my body as her heart and touch worked a spell to rid me of this horrid nightmare. I breathed in the scent of daisies that clings to her skin and let that rid my lungs of the water submerging them. Her warmth against my body eased the coldness that had come over me. Bit by bit I felt myself returning to this moment in time. Returning to her.

“Thank you,” I croaked out with my raspy voice actually hearing it for the first time tonight.

She turned onto her side and cradled me against her. She intertwined our legs and pulled me as close as possible to her. “I have you and I will fight away all your fears.”

I wrapped my arms around her and clung onto the back of her tank top. “Please. Don’t leave.”

“I won’t. I promise. I won’t.”

I clung to her feeling my world being brightened by color again. Don’t leave me.

* * *

 

**_Laura_ **

I woke up to the feeling of the space next to me being ice cold. I reached out blindly, not wanting to open my eyes, in search of her. I patted all over the bed, but felt nothing. I opened my eyes slightly to stare at the bed, but she wasn’t there. I turned over onto my back and stretched my arms above my head. My back popped then I turned to stare at the alarm clock on the night stand next to me. It was four in the morning. I sat up and looked around the room. She didn’t have another nightmare, so where did she go. I rubbed my eyes so they could fully open up. I stared around the room then noticed that the balcony doors were opened and the curtains were blowing in the slight breeze. I got up from the bed pulling the blanket with me. I wrapped it around myself then shuffled over to the balcony.

She stood there leaning her elbows against the railing and looking out to the city. It was still pretty dark out, but it was very cold and she was only in some boy shorts and a tank top. Her skin looked paler than yesterday which must have been because of her nightmare earlier. I cleared my throat a bit so she knew I was there then walked over to her. I wrapped my arms around her making sure to wrap the blanket around her as well. Her skin was burning ice against my warm skin. I placed my chin on her shoulder.

“Are you alright?”

“Fine,” she whispered. I stayed silent as I held her. After a few long minutes she finally relaxed. “I didn’t want you to see me like that.”

“Why not?”

She sighed. “I didn’t want to scare you away,” she admitted heart brokenly.

“You didn’t scare me away. I’m right here.”

She hung her head. “This won’t be the last time.”

“I know.” I pressed a kiss to her shoulder. “I will stay up with you and comfort you until you can sleep easy,” I recited what I wrote on the post-it note. A small smile played at the corner of her mouth. “I’m not going anywhere Carm.”

She turned around in my arms and pressed her forehead to mine. “Ok.”

“Ok,” I whispered against her lips. I rubbed my nose against hers then stood on my tip toes to press a kiss to her forehead. “Do you want to stay here for a bit longer or go back to bed?”

She wrapped her arms around me. “Can we stay out here for a bit longer?”

“Of course.”

She grabbed my hands and pulled me over to the chair she had in the corner of her balcony. She went to sit down, but I stopped her. I wrapped the blanket around her then let her sit down. I sat down on her lap and she wrapped her arms and the blanket around me. I tucked my head into the crook of her neck. She held onto me tightly as if I would suddenly disappear. I would have preferred to hold her, but she needs to hold me more right now. She needs to know that I’m here. That I haven’t left her. That I’m not some figment of her imagination or the remnants of a peaceful dream. She needs to know that I am here and that I am real.

I slid my hand onto the back of her neck and began to caress it reassuringly. She hummed and relaxed into the seat more leaning back slightly. Her hand sat on my knee and caressed it with her thumb. It was just us and stars above until she felt well enough to go back to bed.

* * *

 

**_Will_ **

I walked into the diner and spotted Carmilla and Laura sitting at one of the tables with their homework splayed out all over it. Laura was typing away at her laptop while Carmilla read one of her books. I watched as Carmilla reached out and tucked a strand of Laura’s hair behind her ear. Laura stopped typing and blushed. She turned her head and pressed a kiss to Carmilla’s wrist. The side of Carmilla’s mouth turned up into a tiny smile. Laura smiled brightly then went back to typing away on her laptop.

These two were gross. I mean I’m happy they’re finally together after all those agonizingly painful months and the fuck ups, but gods are they really gross. It isn’t even like they kiss or make out constantly in front of people. It’s just all those little things they do for each other like what I just saw right now. It’s just as bad as when they were in high school. No wait no. Actually it’s worse than when they were in high school. Now it is deeper. Like they’ve fallen in love more deeply with one another now than when they were in high school. It’s like a whole other dimension of tenderness. Like they were literally made to be with one another by some higher being out there. So gross.

I pulled on my server’s apron and went over to their table. “Did you two need anything?”

“Hot cocoa and a black coffee with some chocolate chip cookies and an order of pancakes,” Laura answered without looking up from her screen. I glanced at Carmilla and saw that tiny smile on her face again. Yup super gross.

“Anything else?”

“Nope,” Laura answered. She looked up from her laptop screen. “Thanks Will.”

“You’re welcome.” I walked away from their table.

I put the ticket in for their order then stared back at their table. Laura was staring at Carmilla until Carmilla finally looked up from her book. She met Laura’s eyes and they stared at each other. It looked like they were having a silent conversation with one another. Laura tilted her head to the side and I could see Carmilla sigh. Carmilla gave a small nod and Laura smiled happily. She scooted her laptop over to sit in front of Carmilla and Carmilla clicked through it. Laura chewed on her bottom lip as Carmilla began to read whatever Laura wrote. Carmilla reached out and put her hand on top of Laura’s. She caressed Laura’s hand with her thumb and that seemed to ease the nervousness in Laura.

I sighed. I wonder how it feels to have a love like that no matter how sickeningly sweet and gross it looked.

* * *

 

**_LaFontaine_ **

“God those two are really something,” I said as I spotted Carmilla and Laura sitting under an oak tree out on the quad. Carmilla was resting her head in Laura’s lap as Laura ran her fingers through Carmilla’s hair while reading her textbook.

“They can say the same about us dear,” Perry said. She pressed a sweet kiss to my cheek.

I smiled. “I guess, but we are way cuter than those two.”

Perry smiled and kissed my cheek again. Score two for two! Perry looked over to where Laura and Carmilla were and smiled. “As much as I may have had my reservations about them before, they do seem happy.”

“I would say more than happy. It’s more like they are at peace with one another.”

“Content,” Perry offered.

I nodded. “Yeah content.” I looked away from them to Perry. She was wearing a tight lipped smile. She was happy for them, but something else was bugging her. “What is it Perr?”

She looked away from the couple. “Nothing sweetie,” she said in a higher pitch tone.

“You’re voice got higher and it only does that when you’re hiding something.”

She looked away from me to the ground then let go of my hand. She began to pick at the tips of her fingers. I knew better than to interrupt her thinking as she thought about how to phrase what it is she wants to say. “I just wonder how long you are willing to stay with me.”

I looked at her confused. “What do you mean Perr?”

She sighed. “You’ve been hanging around JP a lot recently and I just…I’m just worried that you want something more than I can give you.”

“What more could I want?”

“You know…” She glanced up at me and saw how confused I was at this moment. She looked back to the ground. “More intimate moments…you know…in bed.” Her cheeks went bright red and she fidgeted a lot more.

“Oh…oh…ok…uh…right,” I stammered. Well I completely missed that. Way to go genius. “Uh…Perr…I…I uh don’t need that. I am perfectly happy with what I have with you because it’s with you. I only want you and what we have is way more intimate and meaningful than if we also had the other thing.” I lifted her head up by her chin. “We’ve been good all these years and I have never complained or wanted more from you. I just want you and nothing else.”

She smiled slightly. “So me being Asexual is not a problem for you?”

“Never has been and never will be. I love you and you being by my side is all I’ve ever needed and all I’ll ever need.”

She smiled brighter and came in close to wrap her arms around me into a tender hug. She pressed a kiss to my cheek. “I love you too sweetie.”

I hugged her tightly. “Awww….you two are so cute,” I heard Will’s voice say.

I looked and saw Will walking with Kirsch. I waved at them and they both waved back. “See I told you we were cuter than Carmilla and Laura,” I said smugly.

Perry smiled brightly. “I guess so my genius.” She kissed my cheek again. Four for four! I’m on a roll.

I looked back to Laura and Carmilla and saw Laura lean down to press a kiss to Carmilla’s forehead. I’m glad they finally got it together. Now they can stop being a pain in the ass for the rest of us.

* * *

 

**_Carmilla_ **

I pulled my phone out of my pocket as it vibrated for a phone call. I smiled and answered the phone. “Hey buttercup.”

_“Hey Carmilla.”_

“What can I do for you?”

_“Nothing. I just wanted to hear your voice.”_

“Well you can ditch Klara and Melina and come be with me instead.”

She giggled. _“I would, but I need to get started on this project with Klara and help proof read Melina’s essay for English Lit class.”_

“Can’t you just give her the essay you wrote for that class?”

_“That’s cheating and immoral.”_

“Yes but you’re in section B now while she’s in A, everyone from B gives people from A their essays.”

_“Still cheating.”_

“Well I’m only trying to help.”

_“Good try.”_

“I do my best.” I unlocked the door to my apartment building and got on the elevator to get to the third floor. Normally I would climb the stairs, but having Laura on the phone to talk to me fights away the feeling of being suffocated as well as being trapped in a trunk.

_“What are you going to be doing later tonight?”_

You maybe. I bit my tongue. “Nothing really. I didn’t make plans with anyone.”

_“Mind if I spend the night?”_

“Do you even have to ask?”

I could feel her smiling on the other side of the phone. _“I’ll text you when I’m on the way over.”_ I smiled as the doors opened up to my hall. I looked up from the floor and felt my heart freeze in my chest. _“Carmilla?”_ I stopped breathing and could feel a sea of black tar fill my lungs as flames licked at the scars on my back. _“Carm?!”_ The phone slipped from my grasp and slammed against the floor like a bomb. _“Carm!”_

BANG!

_“CARM!!”_

Ding.


	23. Come Back

**_Carmilla_ **

My chest felt like it was being ripped to pieces as the sound of the gun reverberated throughout the hallway. I fell back landing on my ass as I looked at her in utter shock. How is this possible? How is she standing there with a tortured yet satisfied look on her face? How is she even here?

The doors to the elevator began to close as she lowered the gun and walked calmly over to me. My worst nightmares becoming my torturous reality. I began to hyperventilate as the elevator stayed stuck on this floor since no one was coming. I could hear the ringing of my phone in every fiber of my body. Laura’s ringtone. Laura. I reached over and grabbed my phone just as the elevator doors opened. She stood towering over me. I froze in place with my phone still ringing in my hand. She stepped into the elevator and then knelt down to my eye level. I stopped breathing all together.

“Hello my darling girl,” she said endearingly. Her eyes bore holes into my own as she glared with a new twinkle of insanity hidden behind her eyes. She reached up and cupped my face. Her touch was scorching. “You are so beautiful.” She leaned over and pressed a blistering kiss to my forehead. Her face then took a turn for the worst. Her deathly glare and tight lipped frown made my skin crawl. “You are still a bad girl. You have not visited me at all this past year.” Her hands fell from my face onto my shoulders. “You always were an ungrateful child. You could never do anything right.” Her hand moved down from my left shoulder to my chest and I screamed in agony as her finger pushed into the gaping wound. The first actual recognition of having been shot making my body tense up and my lungs struggle to gasp for air. “You could never learn to be good.” She pulled her finger out of my wound. “After everything I still need to punish you and remind you of your manners.”

The elevator jolted and began to move. “Why do you always make things difficult for me?” She tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear. I bit down on my bottom lip to keep from screaming. This is too much. I can’t. Make it stop. “Why can you never listen to me? I am the only one who will ever love you my diamond girl. Why don’t you see that?” She pressed another kiss to my forehead.

Laura’s ringtone filled the space around us. She’s wrong. Laura loves me. Will loves. I love me. She will never love me. She doesn’t know how to love. Don’t let her get in my head. The elevator dinged as it reached the lobby and the doors slid open. I looked past her to the lobby to see Mattie standing there. She scanned the scene like a hawk then jumped into action. She shoved my mother onto the ground and pinned her. She yanked her hands behind her back and pulled a pair of handcuffs out of her purse. I sighed thankfully and suddenly felt woozy.

“Carmilla? Stay with me now,” Mattie said.

“Laura,” I whispered.

I felt Mattie’s hand on the back of my head as she pulled me into her chest. Her other hand slipped under the back collar of my shirt. “No exit wound. Damn it.” She tilted me back and lifted my face to look at her. “Stay with me now. Don’t go anywhere.” She’s so blurry and my eyes are so heavy. I just want to sleep. She gently shook my head. “No Carmilla. Don’t you dare fall asleep.”

“Laura,” I whispered again. I want Laura. Take me to Laura.

My Mother’s cynical laughter was an ice bath. “You are still attached to that little girl? I would have thought you’d grow up from such childish attachments at this point. Always the disappointment. She doesn’t love you you know. She can never love you. You are an ungrateful child who only knows how to cause others problems. A monster that does nothing but ruin people’s lives.”

“You be quiet Lilita!” Mattie snapped. She shook me again. “Carmilla stay awake. There are police and an ambulance on the way already.”

“Tired,” I whispered as my eyes shut.

“I know, but I need you to stay awake for me alright?” She pushed my hair out of my face. “Stay awake for Laura.”

I hummed. Laura. I need Laura. I need to stay awake for Laura. Too tired. Feeling cold. “Cold.”

“Over here in the elevator. Someone is shot,” someone called out. Rory. Rory the desk manager. He’s here.

“You hear that Carmilla? Help is here now alright. I need you to stay with me for Laura alright? Stay with me,” Mattie plead.

Too tired. I just need to sleep. I closed my eyes shut and let the darkness wash over me.

* * *

 

**_Mattie_ **

I watched as the ambulance speed away with Carmilla inside. Her heart beat was slowing down and her breathing was ragged. She was beginning to crash and it didn’t help that she passed out. I rolled my shoulders back and walked over to where the police stood with Lilita in the backseat of one of the police cruisers. I pulled the door open and slid into the backseat to sit next to her. She sat there with a smug look of satisfaction on her face.

“Want to explain what it is you are doing?” I asked while smoothing out the bottom of my dress before folding my hands on top of my lap.

“What do you mean?” She countered.

I have never liked her attitude. She has not one compassionate bone in her body. I do wonder how this pathetic excuse of a person’s blood is coursing through my veins. “I know of what you did to Carmilla and William back in America. Now you do this to Carmilla. What is your purpose?”

“She is mine and she needs to remember that.”

“She is not an object or a piece of property. She is not yours to own,” I snapped.

“Matska darling you have no idea what I do or do not own,” she said coldly.

“Unfortunately for you, you do not own my silence any longer,” I countered.

She finally turned to stare at me with wide wild eyes. “Matska,” she warned.

I shook my head. “You may have bought my father’s silence, but I made it a point to add in a contingency plan in our contract. It allows me to break it if you do something that breaks the law in any way,” I smiled smugly. “You see I believed it was best that I should keep your big secret to myself when you were placed in prison last year, but I decided that I am not going to keep your secret any longer. I want to be a part of their life as more than just your ex-attorney. Especially after today.”

“Do you really believe they will accept you with open arms? You will be considered as no better than I am.”

“I expect nothing. I only wish for them to know.” I straightened up even more. “As for you dear Mother,” I said bitingly, “I hope you enjoy solitary for the rest of your life.”

“I would if I had actually pulled the trigger,” she said with pride.

I looked back to her. “Don’t worry. I’m sure we’ll find your partner soon enough and I’m sure they’ll have no problems with giving you up.”

I slid out of the police cruiser. I slammed the door behind me and climbed into the front seat of another police cruiser. The officer switched on their emergency lights and speed off to the hospital Carmilla was going to. I folded my hands on top of my lap. I always knew Carmilla and William were my siblings, but thanks to Mother, they never knew I existed. I grew up with only photos of them and wished to be a part of their lives until I realized it was futile. I stared at my hands where earlier they were covered with Carmilla’s blood from trying to add pressure to her wound to stop it from bleeding out too much.

I may not have grown up to be a sister to her, but my heart still ached as if I did. “Damn you Mother.”

 

 

 

 

 

“William its Mattie.”

_“What’s going on?”_ He asked worriedly.

“I am at the hospital at the moment. Your Mother was released from prison which is a long story, but I need you to come here. Carmilla was shot,” I said lowly.

A sharp intake of breath. _“WHAT THE FUCK!”_ He exploded.

I pulled the phone away from my ear now that it was ringing. I switched it to my other hand and pressed it to my other ear. “She needs you William.” I tapped my fingers against my elbow. “Do you know a Laura?”

There was the loud sound of things crashing and being thrown around before a strangled yell followed. There were footsteps then the sound of the phone being picked back up. _“What did you say?”_

“Do you know a Laura? Carmilla wouldn’t stop saying that name.”

_“Laura’s her girlfriend and I’ll call her on the way there,”_ he said angrily.

“I will be waiting.” He hung up. I walked back into the hospital just as a doctor was coming into the waiting room.

“Matska Belmonde?” He asked.

“Yes,” I answered.

“My name is Dr. Kaufmann. I just wanted to inform you that Carmilla Karnstein’s surgery has started. Is there any family we can contact?”

I shook my head. “I have contacted the only family member she has.”

“Who will be coming for her?”

“Her brother William.”

“No parents or grandparents?”

“Her mother was the one who order for her to be shot, her father is dead, and her grandparents passed away last year.”

He nodded his head. “We will talk to her brother when he arrives.”

“As you should.”

“Thank you for your time.” I watched him walk back toward the operating rooms.

Let her be alright.

* * *

 

**_Will_ **

I walked into the hospital after having thoroughly trashed my apartment. It helped to work out some of my anger and I just left it that way. I’ll clean it up later before I bring Carmilla back home with me. I looked around the hospital and clenched my jaw tightly. Flashbacks to the last time I was in the hospital and Carmilla was injured assaulted my senses. When is Mother ever going to leave her alone? When is Mother ever going to stop trying to take away the only other person I love in this world? When is Mother going to leave for good?

I made my way pass the reception desk with my body buzzing with the pain of the past and the fear of this moment. This whole situation wrecked me from the inside out and all I wanted to do was get my hands on Mother and just end things myself. The only thing holding me back besides police is Carmilla. I don’t want to put her through losing me because of my untamed rage.

“Where is she?” I asked angrily as I walked into the waiting room and saw Mattie sitting there on her phone.

“Surgery. They haven’t come back yet with a status update,” she answered.

I balled my hands into fists. “How could you let that monster do this to her?” I asked doing my best to restrain my voice.

She put her phone down. “I stopped being her attorney after she was sentenced.”

My anger subsided slightly. “Why?”

She sat up straight and glanced down at her nails. “I got a hold of the records from America, so I know what she did to you and Carmilla. I didn’t feel like continuing to represent her after knowing that tidbit of information.”

My anger was still boiling, but it was no longer toward her. “What happened?”

She sighed. “I was going to visit Carmilla because there is a certain matter I need to discuss with her and you. When the elevator came down I saw Lilita hovering in front of her with one of her hands covered in blood. Carmilla was bleeding and looking whiter than a ghost. I pinned Lilita down and handcuffed her with handcuffs I carry with me for my most interesting clients. Now we are here,” she swept her hand around the hospital.

“What were you going to talk to Carmilla about?”

“I don’t see how that is important at the moment,” she said tersely. “Did you contact Laura?”

I nodded my head then moved over to sit near her. I clasped my hands together and clenched my jaw shut tightly. I took a calming breath. “Laura was on the phone with her when Mother shot Carmilla, so she was panicking by the time I got a hold of her.”

“She was?”

I nodded my head. “She heard the loud pop of the gun and then Carmilla’s phone hitting the ground. She tried calling Carmilla back a few times after.”

“So she’s the one who didn’t stop calling,” she mused. She cleared her throat. “Your mother was not the one to shoot Carmilla. There was another person there and the police are looking for them now.”

My eyes widened at this particular information. Who else would want to hurt Carmilla? “Right,” I said not sure of what to say. I began to tap my foot against the floor. “I should tell you this is not going to go over well for Laura or any of our other friends.”

“Why not?”

“Because they were the ones who saved us in America and got us to the hospital in time to save Carmilla.” She looked at me shocked. I smirked. “Our friends are crazy and protective. Mix those two together and you get an army.” I sighed. “They are going to blame you and I don’t want you to take it to heart.”

“I shall do my best.”

I turned at the sound of a group of people walking into the hospital. Laura saw me and I jumped to my feet. She ran over and threw her arms around me. I hugged her tightly. If this was tearing me to pieces, I can only imagine what it’s doing to her. This is just hell for her. Between her problems with being in the hospital because of her mother and then because of the last time Carmilla was in one, I wouldn’t be surprised if she crumbled.

“I’m sorry Will,” she whispered. She pulled back and wiped the tears from her eyes. She looked at me as if to ask if I’m alright and I couldn’t help feeling my fear surge up to the surface.

I shook my head and looked down at the ground as my eyes began to well up. “I can’t lose her Laura. She’s the only family I have. I can’t. I can’t lose her,” I choked out.

Her arms tightened around me and drew me into a tight hug. I leaned my head onto her shoulder and let the tears roll down. “I know.”

And she did. She knew. She will know this feeling better than anyone because we were the only ones who could ever love Carmilla as much as we did. I clung to her and let slip the dam of feelings that had been building up since sitting here waiting for some news. The thought of losing Carmilla when I thought we were finally free crippled my ability to stand any longer. Laura held onto me and sunk to the floor with me. My sister. I can lose my sister to that damn monster that I have been unfortunate to call Mother. My sister can be gone for good this time. I balled as I held onto Laura. All this fighting to survive and for what? What was the point of it all? Why were we so unlucky? Why her? What has she ever done? Why can’t we ever have peace? Why couldn’t it have been me?

“Why couldn’t it be me?!” I cried out.

* * *

 

**_Laura_ **

I stood outside the hospital hiding off to the side of the entrance to the emergency room. I sat there with my knees pulled up to my chest and my arms wrapped tightly around them. I had got Will to settle down enough to listen to the doctor when they came out to give him some news about how Carmilla’s surgery was doing. It was all about how they were doing their best, but in hospital speak that just meant that Carmilla’s injuries were incredibly serious and there was a chance that she might not make it out alive. It is times like these where I wished my dad wasn’t an ER doctor. I could have taken some comfort in those empty words instead of trying to hold back the dread that was threatening to consume every fiber of my being.

I tilted my head down so my forehead was pressed against my knees. How is this happening right now? Why is it even happening? How could this happen? Carmilla’s mother should have been in prison for a long time and instead she comes walking back into Carmilla’s life like a bad horror film to mess everything up. To hurt Carmilla. To kill Carmilla. Why was this happening? After finally getting to a point where my fear of losing her had subsided enough to not keep me from being with her, this happens. Am I bad luck? Is it me that is causing these things to happen to Carmilla? Is it simply the fact that I am around her that causes these things to happen to her?

I sighed. No. This is all just her mother. She didn’t even know Carmilla and I were together again. This is all about punishing Carmilla and for what exactly? What has Carmilla ever done to incur the wrath of that madwoman? What could that woman be so angry about when it comes to Carmilla? Why can’t she just leave Carmilla alone? Why does she have to do this to her? Why does that evil woman get to do this and never be punished for it?

I pulled my arm away from around my knee to look down at the bracelet I was squeezing tightly in my hand.

“Laura?”

I looked up to see Kirsch awkwardly standing there. He sat down next to me and put an arm around my shoulders pulling me tight against his side. “How’s Will?” I asked.

“Better,” he answered.

“Good.”

“How are you?”

I bit my lip and shook my head. He rubbed my shoulder gently. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. “Kirsch what do I do if I lose her for good this time?” I asked weakly. I choked on a sob. “What do I do? I just got her back after messing up so damn much. I’ve fallen harder for her than I ever have and we’ve done what we could to calm each other’s fears, but what do I do? What do I do if I never see her again? What do I do if I never get to hear her voice again? What do I do if I never get to hold her again? What do I do Kirsch? Please tell me what to do because I feel like someone’s cut a hole in me and I can’t take it. I can’t lose her. Not again. Please. What do I do?” I broke. He pulled me tighter as my sobs tore away at my lungs as they crawled up my throat causing me to struggle to breathe. I clung to his shirt tightly. “What am I going to do? I can’t lose her. I can’t. I just got her back. Why? Why her? Why is it always her?”

Why can’t she be safe? Why can’t she be left alone? Why can’t she be free? Why can’t she be happy?

“Shh…Laura. I’ve got you. No matter what happens, I’ll be here and so will everyone else. We will get through this together like we always have. We’re a family and we’ll get through this.”

Carmilla…please don’t leave me. Please.

* * *

 

**_Dr. Klein_ **

“Come on Karnstein,” I said as I pumped her heart with my hand. We had finally managed to locate the bullet and safely remove it from her body, but there was some surface damage to her left ventricle since the bullet decided to travel through her body instead of staying put. It managed to make its way to nicking her lung as well before settling just off to the side of her spine. Luckily no spinal damage. “Charge the paddles!” I demanded. The nurse handed me the paddles and I cradled Karnstein’s heart with them. “Clear!” The bolts of electricity shot directly into Karnstein’s heart. I pulled back and waited. “Come on Karnstein. Don’t give up on us now.” She was still flatlining. “Turn it to two-fifty.” The nurse cranked up the paddles. “Don’t give up now.” I pressed the paddles around her heart again. “Clear!” The higher dosage of bolts surged through her heart. I pulled back and stared at the monitor. “Come on. Come on. You can do it.” Another second went by and the monitor picked up a beat. Then it sprung to life as I looked down to see her heart beating with the monitor reflecting the same results. “Excellent.” I handed the paddles back to the nurse. “Let’s get her patched up quickly before she flatlines on us for a fourth time.”

I looked down at her heart and began to quickly and accurately apply the patch to it. Thankfully the bullet hadn’t fully punctured her heart or this would be a whole different issue all together. I finished up with the patch then checked the rest of her heart to see if there was any other bleeds I didn’t know about. I glanced at my coworkers as they worked to patch up her lung. I glanced back down at her heart thankful for the fact it was still beating. I stepped away from the table and moved to kneel down by her head. She was a beautiful girl for sure. It’s a shame that she was dealt this card today.

“You keep fighting now. I know it’s tiring and that you want nothing more than to rest, but we need you to keep fighting so we can help you,” I said in hopes that she could actually hear me even though she was heavily sedated. “Keep fighting Karnstein.” I stood back up and stepped back to the table.

“Have a nice chat?” Dr. Meier asked.

“Just trying to keep her alive long enough for you to finish patching her up,” I answered.

He nodded his head. He looked up to the heart monitor. “She is lucky.”

I looked down at her. “More like strong,” I corrected. He hummed and continued to work. I checked her heart again then walked away from the table. “Let me know when she is in post-op.”

“Will do,” he answered.

* * *

 

**_Mattie_ **

I hung the phone up and walked back into the waiting room. Will looked up with his red puffy eyes. He looked so destroyed it was hard to keep my heart from aching. “It was the police. It seems they were able to track down your mother’s accomplice.”

“That was quick,” the tall redhead, Danny I believe, said snarky.

I rolled my shoulders back and stood up straighter. That one was going to be a problem. “Yes well it wasn’t like he was hiding.” I strolled over to my seat and sat down. I crossed my legs. “They found him at home. He surrendered and named Lilita as the one who came up with the plan that he gladly obliged to all too eagerly.”

“What’s his name?” Will asked. His hands were clutching the arms of his chair to the point his knuckles were ghost white.

“Baron Vordenberg.”

Will leapt to his feet and began pacing. “Why would he want to do this to Carmilla? My mother couldn’t have sunk her venomous teeth into him to the point he’d agree to this,” he mused angrily.

I looked down at my phone as an email came through. I clicked on it and sighed. This was ridiculous. I shook my head. “It seems the Vordenberg’s and the Karnstein’s were not on good terms with one another for a long time. The latest case, Carmilla’s father caused a car accident that killed Baron Vordenberg’s uncle. His uncle was riding his motorcycle home when Carmilla’s father crashed into him. Carmilla’s father was not persecuted and it seems that Vordenberg held a grudge. An eye for an eye,” I explained as I closed out the informative email.

Will’s hands balled into fists. “That’s fucking ridiculous.”

I shrugged. “Your mother found a weakness and presented him an opportunity. It doesn’t help that it seems the man is out of his mind crazy.”

We all looked up as a doctor cleared their throat. It was then the tiny one named Laura and the tall goof named Wilson, I believe, came back in. Everyone stood up tense and awaiting the doctor to speak. “Your sister is fine. We had to repair some damage to her heart and lung, but we removed the bullet without any complications and she’s currently in post-op. Once the doctors have taken a look at her, you will be able to go see her. Unfortunately hospital policy is family only for the moment,” the doctor explained.

Will nodded his head. “No offense, but we are her family,” he responded.

The doctor nodded. “Of course. Well only two people in at a time then. I’ll come back after she’s been checked,” the doctor amended.

Will nodded. The doctor left. Will turn to look at Laura. “You’ll come with me right?” He asked like a terrified child. His hand was shaking.

She reached out and took his hand. Her eyes were incredibly red and puffy. “Of course.”

He nodded his head and squeezed her hand.

I sat back in my chair. Carmilla is alright. That is all that matters. She’s alright.

* * *

 

**_Laura_ **

I took a deep breath as I walked with Will to Carmilla’s room. He held onto my hand like a lifeline as I held onto his for the same reason. This was real and not a distant memory of the past. This is the here and now no matter how much it resembled the nightmare we have all lived with since that day three years ago. Focus on the now and what we can do for her.

“Déjà vu,” he whispered.

I squeezed his hand. “Yeah,” I responded. We stood outside her room. He reached his hand out for the door knob. His hand violently shook. I moved closer to him and put my hand on top of his. I pushed it to the door knob. “Together,” I said.

He nodded his head. We turned the door knob together and I let him slip inside ahead of me. I quietly closed the door behind me as he released my hand and walked over to her bedside. I watched as his eyes roamed over her. I looked to the machines connected to her and tried to ignore the tubes. I walked over to stand on her other side. She was so pale that I had to tune into the sound of the heart monitor to assure myself she was in fact alive right now. She was so frail and so very small. I closed my eyes as silent tears streaked down my face. The last image I had of her like this resurfacing to plague my mind. I fought it back to the back of my mind and opened my eyes to look at her.

I moved closer to her bed and ran my fingertips gingerly from her shoulder down to her fingertips. She was warm. I watched as her chest steadily rose and fell. I lightly pressed my fingertips to hers for fear that she would break under my touch.

“She’s alive right?”

I kept my gaze on her face. Tears continued to slowly slide down my cheeks. “Yes. She’s alive.”

“She’ll wake up won’t she?”

I took a deep breath remembering that last time she fell into a coma for a while. I looked blurrily down to her hand. “I don’t know,” I answered truthfully. I took her hand in mine as tears fell down onto her hand.

“It’s not your fault,” he whispered.

I looked up at him then. He was crying as well as he looked at me. I opened my mouth then closed it. I cleared my throat. “It’s not yours either.”

He nodded his head and looked back down at her. I looked away from him. He’s right. It’s not my fault. Not this time.

I opened my other hand to reveal the bracelet I was still clutching tightly to as if it could keep me from falling to pieces. I let go of her hand to unclasp the bracelet. I slid it around her wrist and clasped it shut. I pulled her hand up off the bed a bit then leaned down. I pressed a tender kiss to her wrist feeling the steady pulse against my lips. I turned her hand over and kissed the back of it as well. I stood up straight and held her hand in mine. I stepped closer to the head of her bed. I brushed back the strands of hair clinging to her forehead. I leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to her forehead.

I looked down at the bracelet on her wrist. My charm bracelet. The one she had given me for my birthday when she asked me to be her girlfriend. I looked back down at her face and pressed another kiss to her forehead before pressing my forehead to hers. “You said you will always fight to come back, so I need you to come back to me.” I ran my thumb over the charm bracelet. “If you lose your way, use the charm bracelet you gave me as a guide.” I ran my fingers through her hair. “Follow the love that’s encased in it back because I’ll be waiting for you. I’ll always be waiting for you.” I stayed silent for a while trying to catch my breath. I leaned down and kissed her lips delicately. “Please come back,” I whispered against her lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can follow me at musictomyearshsau.tumblr.com to get updates and ask questions or anything else.


	24. Coming Back

**_Will_ **

I walked into the room with my book bag and some take out for me and Laura. Like usual she’s curled up into a ball on the chair next to Carmilla’s bed sleeping in a pair of sweats and a hoodie that she probably stole from Carmilla’s place the other day like she has been doing this whole time. I looked at Laura and remembered the first time we went to Carmilla’s place that first night. It was closer than my own place and we fought really hard to ignore the blood stain still on the elevator floor. We had showered and slept for a whole hour before we packed some blankets and a pillow and made our way back to the hospital to sleep on the floor in Carmilla’s room. I had to pay for a private room in order to be able to visit Carmilla whenever we wanted to as well as be able to sleep over in the hospital. They eventually put in a bed after the third straight day me and Laura had slept over. We barely sleep in it. We prefer to be as close to Carmilla as possible even if it means our backs and necks are messed up from sleeping in the chair.

I set my bag down by the door and walked closer to the bed. I looked at Laura and saw that she was in fact in Carmilla’s black Silas U hoodie Danny had bought her and Carmilla’s black sweat pants. She was sound asleep. She hasn’t left the hospital outside of going to shower at Carmilla’s place and change her clothes or do laundry. I will never tell the doctors this, but sometimes I would catch Laura curled up around Carmilla as close as possible, but not close enough to hurt Carmilla as well as making herself seem smaller in order to fit into the small space between Carmilla and the bed railing. She liked having her fingers pressed against the inside of Carmilla’s wrist. It was like she was finding some source of peace from feeling Carmilla’s pulse underneath her fingertips. It was the only time she slept longer than an hour. Plus I don’t really know what it’s like to be her right now. I don’t know how it feels to see someone I love that deeply in this state. It’s different to see Carmilla like this as her brother as supposed to being the person to look at her the way Laura does. Like the world will cease to exist if that person was to ever disappear.

I moved around to the other side of the bed and placed the take out on the bed side stand there. I took Carmilla’s hand and gave it a firm squeeze. My world would stop if I lost her, but it’s different. This is my sister. I will always feel an emptiness in my life, an emptiness right next to me, where she should be standing. It won’t be an emptiness from within, but one where I will turn to the side to look for her, but never see her there. An emptiness where I would pull out my phone to send her a text or call her about something that happened, but her not being on the other end. Wanting to share something I know would make her laugh, but realizing I would never hear that laugh followed with an eye roll again. It is an emptiness on the outside followed by the worst pain imaginable on the inside. It is the feeling of always being unbalanced no matter what I do.

I stared down at her hand as I held it in my own. “It would be nice if you came back soon Kitty. I miss you. We all miss you. So if you could listen to Laura and come back that would be great.” I wiped my eyes before tears could fall. “I still need you too you know. You’re the only family I have left and I need you to be there for as long as possible, so I need you to wake up soon because I don’t know what I’d do otherwise.”

And I really don’t. I know I won’t be able to function. I know things will never be the same. I know I’d be living with that emptiness.

I shouldn’t have to.

* * *

 

**_Laura_ **

I ran my fingers lightly along her arm until I reached her wrist. I let my fingertips rest on her wrist to feel her heartbeat. I leaned down and pressed my forehead to hers and began to run my fingers through her hair.

“Hey. Sorry I wasn’t here for a couple of hours. I had to go to class. My professors let me get away with missing one week, but not okay if I missed another. I’ll come whenever I finish with class, so you might sense me being super stressed and frustrated with my homework.” I moved to stand up straight then looked to the closed door. Screw it. They can reprimand me if they want. I kicked off my shoes then climbed into the small space between her and the bed railing. I slid my hand down to thread our fingers together. “I missed you all day today. I couldn’t concentrate in class at all and just wanted to be here with you like this.” I moved closer to rest my chin on her shoulder and press my forehead against her cheek. She smelled of the sterile hospital instead of the oak trees and I sighed. “I miss you. I can’t breathe, I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I can’t get out of bed because I miss you so much. I miss you and it’s just cutting a deeper hole in me because I want you to be awake and safe. I want you to talk to me and let me hold you until I fall asleep so I know you’re real. I dream of your voice and it drives me insane because I know I won’t hear it when I wake up.” I pressed a kiss to her shoulder as my tears began to fall again. “I miss feeling how sure you are of us especially when I feel like running. I miss you and it’s driving me insane to feel this way and to feel helpless because I never wanted to, not after last time, but I know if I should ever feel this way, I want to only ever feel it with you.” I leaned up to press a teary kiss to her cheek. “Please Carm, wake up. Wake up because even though I’d be fine without you, I don’t want to be. I don’t want to be without you.”

* * *

 

**_Mattie_ **

I stood in the room ram rod straight trying not to glance at Carmilla. I took a peak at the girl named Laura and saw that she was a wreck with dark black bruising under her eyes most likely from not sleeping. I stared at Will as he tapped his foot and stared at Carmilla with furrowed brows. He stopped tapping his foot and looked over to me.

“If we proceed with the trial while Carmilla is still unconscious, will my mother be sent to prison even though her accomplice is insane and the survivor hasn’t woken up yet?”

I glanced at Carmilla. She’s not dead, but she hasn’t woken up, so she’s not really a survivor. I wasn’t going to voice this though. I lifted my chin and stood even taller. “Yes. She will be found guilty because even though Vordenberg is a mess and not a very reliable accomplice, it plays against her because she took advantage of someone who was vulnerable to manipulation.”

“What about the fact that she seems to be ill as well?”

“Your attorney had her tested per my suggestion. She may be ill, but she is conscious of her decisions and is able to determine right from wrong. She fully comprehends what she has done and what she wants to do.”

He rubbed his finger under his bottom lip. He stared intensely at Carmilla. “If she wakes up before the trial ends, will she have to testify?”

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly through my nose. “It will depend on your attorney as well as your mother’s attorney.”

He ran his fingers through his hair and for a moment I saw Carmilla in him. It’s strange how much they ended up looking alike and having the same mannerisms even though they’re only half siblings. Then again they did get to grow up together. I wonder how things would have worked out if they knew I had existed. Would I have gotten the chance to grow up with them and have the same mannerisms? I mentally sighed. That is another issue I have to address in case Mother decides a trial was a good time to tell the whole truth.

“Alright. Let’s proceed with the trial then,” he said.

I nodded my head then steeled my nerves. “There is one other matter I need to discuss with you before we move forward.”

He leaned back in his chair. “What more could there be?”

“As you know, your mother was never one to tell the whole truth as well as a very manipulative and abusive person.” He nodded his head then gave me his full attention. “I didn’t want to tell you this in this manner, but I need to tell you this in the off chance that your mother may bring it up in court.” I took a deep breath and lowered my shoulders slightly as a sign of lowering my defenses. “Your mother kept it secret that she had another child. An older child. She had the father sign a contract to keep quiet about the whole affair because she was seventeen when she had the child and didn’t want it getting back to the dance world before her career got the chance to truly begin.”

He sat up straight and stared at me while his fingers folded together and gripped tightly onto one another until they were an even paler shade of white. “Mother had another child and didn’t even tell us?” He asked with restrained anger.

“Yes.”

He shook his head and huffed. “Of course she did.” He leaned back in the chair. “So who is it?”

I braced myself for his reaction. “It’s me.” His eyes widened. “She had my father sign a contract and even tried to pay him to keep quiet. She then had me sign a contract as well in exchange for her paying for me to go to college and then law school,” I cut in before he could get a word out. “Before you ask, no my father didn’t have the money to send me to college. My father refused the money she offered to pay him and that’s why I was willing to sign the contract and have her put me through school.”

He rubbed his finger under his bottom lip then stood up. He began to pace in front of me. “You?”

“Yes.”

He nodded his head then stopped to face me. He crossed his arms above his chest and looked at me, like really looked at me. he tilted his head to the side and I clenched my jaw tightly. He smirked. “Carmilla does that a lot you know.”

“What?”

“The jaw clenching thing. It drove mother mad, but mother never realized that she herself did it all the time.” He unfolded his arms. “To be honest I should be pissed off at you for keeping silent this whole damn time. For not wanting to seek us out, but knowing mother, she probably made that impossible for you.” He rolled back onto the heels of his feet then back forward. “We will need to talk about this at length, but right now my focus is on locking that woman up for good and waiting for my sister to wake up.”

I nodded my head. “That’s understandable. I only wanted you to know in case your mother brought it up in court.”

“Right.” He looked me up and down then shook his head. he sat back down in his chair and looked at Carmilla. “Is there anything else?”

“No. Your attorney should contact you to go over your witness statements and to prep both of you for trial.” I glanced over at Laura.

She had been completely silent this whole time and it was a bit unnerving, yet at the same time reassuring. Her focus was solely on Carmilla and I have to say that that filled me with some joy and affection toward the small girl. She loved Carmilla and after everything that Carmilla has gone through, she does need to have someone who loves and supports her as much as this girl seems to. I could see this girl being with Carmilla for a long time. She turned to look at me.

“I will be ready,” she said hoarsely as if she has been crying for days nonstop, but seeing how much she cares for Carmilla, that is a strong possibility.

“Good. I will be available if either of you need or want to speak with me. Other than that, Will’s attorney will be in contact.” I turned then left the room.

I didn’t deserve to be in that room any longer than necessary. They are close to Carmilla and are the ones who should be by her side. I’m just the outsider. I’ll always be the outsider.

* * *

 

**_Laura_ **

“Do you believe her?” I asked as I looked over to Will.

He ran his fingers through his hair and sighed. “When it comes to my mother I don’t know what to believe. She’s certainly manipulative enough and a damn good liar to pull of keeping an older sister a secret.” He rolled his head back to look up at the ceiling. “I would definitely need to talk to Carmilla about this and see what she wants to do. I can honestly say I want to have a blood test done to confirm it, but looking back on the times I have talked to her, certain things are beginning to stand out a lot.”

“Like the jaw clenching thing?”

He nodded. “Yeah.” He sat up and leaned forward with his elbows on his knees. “I don’t know what to do about anything.” He shook his head and wiped his eyes.

I stood up and moved over to him. I stood behind him and wrapped my arms around him. I kissed the top of his head as he put a hand over his eyes. “We focus on one thing at a time when they come. Right now it’s waiting for Carmilla to wake up. Tomorrow it will be classes and the trial stuff.” His body jolted with the struggle to keep his sobs inside. “We do the best we can for the person we love. That’s all we can do right now.” He nodded his head slightly. I stayed behind him holding him close.

All we can do it what is possible. It’s possible to go to classes and not flunk out. It’s possible to be here by Carmilla’s side for when she wakes up. It’s possible to keep hoping. I stared at Carmilla. I hope she wakes up soon though. I don’t know how many more pieces of myself I can keep from falling away. I don’t know how much longer Will can keep it together before he finally snaps and loses it. We need her and it’s tearing us apart.

* * *

 

**_Carmilla_ **

Trapped. Can’t move. Everything is as black as a black hole in the galaxy. I shifted my eyes. Wake up. I need to wake up. I need to get back. Pain. My chest hurts. Wake up. Wake up and everything will be fine. There will be no pain. I need to wake up.

I pushed against the wall in front of me, but it didn’t budge. Let me through! Let me get back! I have to get back! Laura. I need to get back to Laura. I need to get back to Will. I shoved at the wall against as it morphed to an elastic band. I shoved, but it just bounced back into place. I need to get back. Why can’t I get back? Please. Please let me go back. Let me wake up. Please. I don’t want to be here anymore. It’s too dark. Too cold. Too lonely. Let me go back. I just want to go back. I shoved against the elastic band of a wall again, but it didn’t budge. I struggled trying to get through this barrier, but nothing.

“DAMMIT!!!” I screamed.

“My darling girl that’s not how you’re going to get out of here.”

My blood ran cold. I turned to see her standing there. “What are you doing here?” I whispered.

She stepped closer. “I never left,” she stated matter-of-factly.

I balled my hands into fists digging my nails into the palms of my hands to try to get my blood pumping again. “What do you want?”

She threaded her fingers together in front of her. “To keep you here of course.” She took another step forward. “To make you a good girl like her.” She nodded her head to the right.

I looked to where she indicated and I felt myself freeze into place. The girl was me, but a different form of me. She was a me that looked like her life was beaten out of her and judging by the bruises I could see, it was. I gulped. “What did you do to her?” I asked.

This me stepped closer and met my eyes pleadingly before looking down at the ground. “It took a while, but she eventually became an obedient child. She does what she’s told and does not ever do anything wrong.” I watched this horrid woman raise her hand to run her fingers through this other me’s hair. “She is everything I wanted and everything you can become if you just submit to me like a good daughter should.” She turned her snake eyes toward me. “You can be a good girl too. You just need to be taught.” He hand snapped forward and grabbed the collar of my shirt. “Let me teach you to be an obedient little girl and you can be as happy as this one is.”

I grabbed at her wrist and shoved at her arm. “Get your hands off me!” Her hand gripped around my collar tighter and her face began to morph into what looked like a Python’s head.

“You will obey me you ungrateful and pathetic excuse of a daughter!” She hissed.

My eyes widened in fear of her. No. I’m not afraid. I will not be afraid. I’ve had it with being afraid of her. Of letting her manipulate me and make me feel like shit for being me. “I am not going to submit to you,” I said with conviction. I gripped her hand tighter and shoved harder. “I won’t be afraid of you any longer.” I shoved some more, but she didn’t move. “I am not afraid of you,” I said strongly. I shoved and she let go of me taking a few steps back. “This is the last time I will ever be afraid of you. You can’t control me anymore. You are not my mother. You never loved me. You can never love me. I see that now. I see the monster you truly are and I won’t be afraid anymore.”

I took a step toward her. “All I wanted was to be good enough for you to love me. I wanted to be and do anything you wanted so you could love me, but no more. I can fear the fact that you can physically harm me, but I am done letting you plague me with the fear of you in my mind and in my heart. I will not let you take way what is me. Not anymore.” I shoved at her again and she fell landing on her ass. She shrank as I stood above her. “I am not yours and never will be. I am who I am and I will do what I want because I am perfectly fine the way I am. I am a good girl. I am a good sister. I am a good friend. I am a good girlfriend. I am a good person and you had nothing to do with that.” A frightened look washed over her face. “If anything you made me strong enough to keep getting back up no matter what happens, but nothing more. I can’t get rid of you, but you’ll no longer control me.”

I kneeled down and softened my look to one of pity. “I feel sorry for you for whatever it is that happened to make you this way, but you don’t belong here anymore.” I stood up and stared down at her. “Goodbye.” She reached out for me just as I clapped my hands. The sound reverberated in the space as her screams joined in just before she crumbled into pieces.

I turned away and went to stand in front of the other me. She looked up and met my eyes. Looking at her more closely I could see the black eyes, the split lip, the bruising of fingers on the neck, the bruises on the cheeks, and the ones along her arms. I knew underneath the rock T-shirt and jeans would be more bruises and a few fractured ribs. She was everything I had suffered when I was younger. She was the me who desperately wanted Mother to love her. I felt tears stream down my face and saw it reflected on her face. My face. I reached up and cupped her face in my hands. I gulped and fought down the sob that threatened to come out. I choked and took deep breaths as I stared into my own eyes. Eyes that looked so hopeless and defeated. I pulled her forehead to mine and closed my eyes.

“You are me. you will forever be me, but you will only ever be a part of me. You don’t have to be afraid anymore. You don’t have to fight for Mother’s love anymore. You don’t have to keep trying to be a good girl. You already are.” I pulled back and stared into my own eyes again. “You are good and always have been.” She smiled and nodded her head. “You love you and others love you, so it’s alright to stand up. It’s alright to look up.” I pulled her into a hug. “I love you and so does everyone you know.” She hugged me back and then faded away.

I let my arms fall away to my sides. I looked around. “I love me and others love me too.” I looked back to where the wall was and saw a bridge formed out of stars in its place. There was a small light at the end of it.

I made my way to it cautiously in case it decided to disappear. I stood at the edge of it and stared at the road. I tilted my head to the side. Right down the middle was a golden string with charms hanging down from it to hover in the nest of stars. The more I stared at it the more it seemed like it was pulsing with the light shade of red. Odd. I looked away and to the light at the end of the bridge. Took a step making sure to stand on the golden string because the stars looked a bit flimsy. I took another step getting on the path fully. I waited for it to disappear and for me to fall away into the darkness. Nothing happened. I took a strengthening breath and began making my way across the bridge.

I’m going back.

* * *

 

**_Laura_ **

I jolted awake and looked around the room. I pulled out my phone to check the time. Will was still in class. I turned in the chair to plant my feet on the floor. I let go of Carm’s hand to rub the sleep from my eyes. I slipped my hand back into hers and ran my fingers through my hair to untangle some of the knots. I wanted to stand up and stretch out my back, but something in my gut was telling me not to move right now. I leaned forward in the chair and rested my head on her bed while using my arm as a pillow. I caressed her hand with my thumb as I stared up at her face. It looked like it had relaxed and become more peaceful, but that’s probably just my hopeful thinking.

I moved my hand to cover the back of hers then scooted a bit closer. I lifted her hand and guided it so that it could cup my face. I closed my eyes at the feeling then pressed a kiss to her wrist before opening my eyes to look at her. I smiled sadly at her as tears welled up in my eyes again.

“I really miss you. I don’t want to feel like a part of me is dead anymore. I want to feel whole. To feel complete, so if you could wake up that would be great.” Tears began to fall from my eyes as my sight blurred. “I just really want to hear your voice again and see your eyes. I need to feel your arms around me. I need you to reassure me that things are going to be ok because I really need to hear that right now. I really need to hear you say that because I don’t know how much longer I can hold on. I don’t know how much longer I can keep going without a heart. Without a part of my soul. Without my happiness.” I closed my eyes. “So please wake up for me. Please Carm. Wake up for me.”

My eyes shot open at the feel of her thumb twitching against my cheek. I sat frozen to the spot as I stared at her. Her thumb twitched again. I stood up and moved her hand to press against my chest as I moved closer to hover next to her head. “Carm are you waking up?” I stared down at her as her eyes seemed to be moving under her eyelids. “Carm?” I whined. Her thumb twitched again as her eyes heavily and slowly opened. She blinked a couple of times. “Carm,” I said as more tears blurred my vision. I pressed the emergency button to call for a nurse. “Carm. I’m right here,” I said. She blinked a few time and licked her lips. She turned her head and her eyes locked with mine. Her thumb moved and began to caress my hand. I smiled through my tears and pressed a teary kiss to her forehead. “You came back.” I kissed her forehead again. “You came back.”

“Told…fight…” She croaked out hoarsely. She cleared her throat and gripped my hand tightly. She gulped. “Told you. I will…fight,” she gulped again and cleared her throat, “to come…back.”

I stared down at her then leaned down to press a soft kiss to her lips scared that this wasn’t real. “I love you.” I leaned down and pressed my forehead against her chest. “Don’t leave me again,” I sobbed desperately.

“I won’t,” she whispered.

I held her hand and cried against her chest. The door opened and closed. I stayed where I was.

She came back. She finally came back.

* * *

 

**_Carmilla_ **

I leaned my forehead against hers and caressed the back of her hand while holding it against my chest. She had her palm splayed flat against my chest and her body pressed against my side. I had my arm wrapped around her with my hand on her hip. She had her fingers threaded through my hair on the back of my head holding me close. We kept our eyes closed as we breathed against one another afraid that this will soon fade away like smoke into a dream if we separated. Her thumb caressed my chest as she took a deep breath in. she let her breath out slowly and I felt her body rattle against my side. She was holding in her tears. I slide my nose against hers to reassure her I was here. She sighed in relief and I breathed her in.

The door creaked opened then softly clicked shut. Someone cleared their throat.

“Sorry to interrupt, but can I get a moment with my sister?” Will asked shyly.

Laura pulled away achingly slow then pressed soft lips against my forehead. “I’ll be back,” she whispered.

“Ok.” I reluctantly let her go.

She climbed out of my bed and made her way to the door. She stopped next to Will and reached up to squeeze his shoulder. He patted her hand then she let go and left the room. He shifted from one foot to the other.

“So you’re awake,” he said.

I nodded. “You don’t have to hold back. I know I’ve been out for a while. Now come here.” I scooted over and opened my arms for him. It’s not often I want to hug him, but the times that I do are the times that we both need it.

He shuffled over to me and hopped into the bed careful not to jostle me too much. I wrapped my arms around him as he rest his head on my shoulder. I kissed the top of his head and held him tightly. He put his hand on my knee and gave it a squeeze then moved it to cover his eyes. I pressed my cheek to the top of his head and closed my eyes. His body began to heave and I could hear the exhale of sharp breaths as he tried to not be too loud. I kissed the top of his head again then put my hand on the back of his head and ran my fingers through his hair.

We stayed like that for a long moment as he released all that he had bottled up. His body hiccupped as he slowly began to calm down. He wiped his eyes then rest his hand on my knee. He stayed silent as I continued to run my fingers through his hair.

“I don’t know what I’d do if I ever lost you. I’ve already almost lost you twice now and I just…I can’t. I can’t do it. I need you. I love you sis and I need you. I don’t want to live in a world where you’re not in it because you’re all I have,” he let out. “I can’t lose you.”

I kissed the top of his head. “I’m still here Will. I’m still here and I’m not going anywhere anytime soon. I’m not leaving you or anyone else for that matter.” I hugged him tightly. “I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere little brother.”

He nodded his head. “There’s so much I have to tell you.”

“Later alright. I just want to be here with you.”

He nodded his head. “Later.”

I closed my eyes. There’s a later. “Later,” I reaffirmed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> follow musictomyearshsau.tumblr.com for updates and other stuff.


	25. We're Alright

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a warning that there is mention of abuse.

**_Laura_ **

I woke up to the sound of small whimpers and my leg being gently kicked. I opened my eyes wearily then popped up onto my elbow. She was shaking and sweating. I tucked some of her stray hairs behind her ear feeling the cold sweat on her cheek and hair. I placed my hand on her shoulder and gently shook her.

“Carm,” I whispered. She mumbled and began to curl up into a ball. “Carm, baby wake up please,” I whispered as I wrapped my arm around her. She groaned and tried pulling away. “Carm.” I shook her gently again. I felt her body jolt awake. I held onto her tighter and kissed the back of her shoulder. “I’m right here.” Her body uncurled from the small ball it was in then she turned to face me.

“Laura?” She whined sleepily.

I pulled her close and wrapped my arms around her. I held her head against my chest and kissed the top of her head. “I’m right here Carm.”

She snaked her arms around me gripping at the back of my tank top. “Don’t go,” she plead.

“I’m not going anywhere. I’m right her for you.”

She pulled me tighter against her molding our bodies together. “Stay.”

“I will. I will,” I reassured.

She relaxed some more. I held onto her and ran my fingers through her hair. Her grip on the back of my shirt slackened as she fell back into a deep sleep. I pressed a kiss to the top of her head again and kept running my fingers through her hair. Her nightmares have become a constant occurrence these past two weeks. Thankfully it doesn’t take her too long to fall back to sleep now. it’s also not too hard to wake her up now as well. Before she would almost hit me with the suddenness of her popping up into a sitting position or her fists trying to connect with the woman haunting her dreams. Other times she curls into a tight ball where she tightly clutches at her chest where she was shot and it takes a while to get her to relax and let me hold her.

I closed my eyes and sighed. All I want to do is take her nightmares away. I want to make it so she can have one peaceful night of sleep where she doesn’t have to see that horrible woman who calls herself “mother.” I want to go back in time to stop all of this from happening in the first place. I want to go back and have been there with her. if I had decided to spend the day with her instead I could have prevented this from happening. I could have got in the way instead. I could have done something. Instead I had to hear it through the phone. I had to hear that deafening sound and the clatter to the ground through the phone. it is those sounds that haunt my sleeping hours. It is those sounds that I hear over and over again in my head during the day. I sighed. I just wish that all of this could go away. I just want her to be able to sleep peacefully more often than when she had nightmares, but that’s not going to be possible for a very long time.

I sniffled and wiped the tears from my eyes. I wrapped my arm back around her. Things will be ok. They’ll eventually be ok. I just have to give it time.

* * *

 

**_Carmilla_ **

I adjusted the strap of my backpack on my shoulder as I walked over to the Lustig Building to pick up Laura. My class was let out early today, so I decided to go pick her up from class for once these past two weeks. She’s been doing everything for me. Carrying my bag while walking me to class, making me meals picking me up from class, doing my errands, and pretty much everything else that involves me moving around too much or carrying something. I love her for it, but my stitches have been out for a while and I would really like to start doing things for myself now. I know she’s doing it because she’s worried and because I know she wishes she could have done something to prevent all of this from happening, but I need her to know that I’m alright and I don’t need her to do everything for me or make things up to me. I need her to know that I just need her support especially with the trial starting tomorrow. With leaning about Mattie being my older half-sister and then having to face Mother in a court, I need her support more than anything. I’ll need her support after everything is done and all I have left to deal with is Mattie. We haven’t really talked about her much, but we’ll need to figure out what to do after this trial is over and actually talk to Mattie and hear the whole story from her.

I walked up the stairs to the classrooms on the second floor and made my way over to her classroom. I glanced up at the clock on the hallway wall, 2:45. Just another fifteen minutes and she’ll be out of class. I leaned against the wall opposite from her classroom and pulled my phone out of my right pocket. The charms on the charm bracelet jingled and I stared down at it. I tried to give it back to her since I had bought it for her for her birthday, but she wouldn’t have it. She said I needed to keep it as a way to always find my way back to her if anything should ever happen again. I smiled. She even made it a point to make sure I always wore it after I had told her about the dream I had while in the coma where I followed a golden string with charms dangling from it back to the waking world. I unlocked my phone. I can never get lost again.

**Me [2:46 PM]: You still coming over for dinner?**

**Bro [2:46 PM]: Yeah. Need me to bring anything?**

**Me [2:47 PM]: Bring some beer.**

**Bro [2:49 PM]: Laura letting you drink again?**

**Me [2:49 PM]: Not yet, but she will tonight.**

**Bro [2:53 PM]: How are you pulling that off?”**

**Me [2:54 PM]: By having a conversation with her.**

**Bro [2:55 PM]: Good luck with that.**

**Me [2:55 PM]: Thanks I’ll need it.**

**Bro [2:57 PM]: How’s your chest?**

**Me [2:57 PM: Better.**

**Bro [2:59 PM]: Good to hear. Ready for tomorrow?**

**Me [3:00 PM]: We’ll talk about it tonight.**

**Bro [3:00 PM]: Alright.**

The classroom door opened and a flood of students exited. I shoved off the wall and slipped my hands into my pockets as I watched for her to come out. She was the last one to exit the classroom and her eyes widened once she saw me. I smirked and she opened her mouth then shut it shaking her head slightly. She walked over to me and placed her hand on my hips.

“What are you doing here? I was going to go pick you up.”

I leaned down and rubbed my nose against hers. “My class was let out early today, so I thought I’d come get you for a change.”

She pressed her lips to mine gently as if I would break. “You didn’t have to,” she whispered.

I slid my hands out of my pockets and cupped her face. I pressed my lips to hers and kissed her clos. Her fingers gripped at my hips a bit tighter as I ran my tongue along her bottom lip then bit down on it. She groaned and parted her lips for me. I slid my tongue into her hot mouth and kissed her hungrily. Her fingers slid under the sides of my shirt and pressed into my skin. Her nails scratched at my hips as my tongue slid against hers. She pushed me until my back connected with the wall. I gasped at the action and moved my hands from her face down to her ass and slipped my leg between hers. I groped her ass and pulled her against me. She moaned and bit my bottom lip before moving her hands to my shoulders. She bit my bottom lip again then drew me into another kiss. She pushed against my shoulders and I couldn’t help wincing because it caused my back to straighten out and my chest to expand. My chest was healed, but it was still tender when it came to expanding it.

She pulled away instantly and stepped back. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Oh my god Carm I am so so sorry,” she rambled.

I stepped closer to her and she took a step back. I stood still. “You’re not going to break me and I’m not going to fall apart. I’m alright.” I stepped closer to her and reached out for her hand. She stayed still and allowed me to thread our fingers together. “I’m alright,” I assured.

She bit her bottom lip as she ran her fingers through her hair. “Carm I…

“I know,” I interrupted. “But you can’t keep being gentle with me and never letting me do anything for myself. That’s not going to help me and it’s not going to help you either. I need you, but I don’t need you to do everything for me.”

She took a deep breath and nodded her head. “We’re not getting that intimate now though.”

I nodded my head. “Whenever you’re ready.”

She stepped closer to me and pulled my head down to hers. She threaded her fingers in my hair and kissed me sweetly. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

 

 

 

 

 

“So you think the trial is going to go over well?” Will asked while grabbing another slice of pizza.

“There’s no reason why it shouldn’t especially since I’m alive and well,” I answered. Laura’s legs twitched on my lap and I began to message her legs to calm her down.

“Well it is Mother though.”

“I know, but it doesn’t change what I saw or what happened to me.”

He leaned back in his seat. “Have you decided what we should do about Mattie once this is all over?”

I sighed. “I want to know everything from her side of things then go from there.”

“Do you believe her?”

“At this point I’ll believe anything,” I answered truthfully.

He nodded his head. “Yeah.”

Laura pulled her legs off my lap and flipped around so that her head could rest in my lap instead. I began running my fingers through her hair. “What do you think Laura?” I asked.

“Find out what happened in the past then figure out what you want to do in the future, but I don’t think you should turn her away completely if she really is your half-sister. She probably had it hard even if it wasn’t in the same way as you two. Your mother was a master in hurting people.”

“She has a scary point,” Will said.

“I know,” I said.                          

He stood up and stretched out his arms and back. “I should get going. We have an early day tomorrow.”

Laura got up and hugged him. “You get home safe,” she told him.

“I will.”

“I’ll walk you out,” I said. He nodded his head and grabbed his stuff off the coffee table. I shut the door behind me and walked with him to the elevator.

“Are you ready for tomorrow?” He asked.

“As ready as I can be.”

“She doesn’t own you.”

“I know.”

“And she can’t hurt you again.”

“I know.”

He pressed the button to call for the elevator. “If anything, Laura and I are there for you. So you’re not alone. We love you and we’re there for you along with everyone else.” I looked at him then pulled him into a hug. He hugged me tightly. “Everything is going to be alright,” he reassured. “She’ll go away for a very long time and we’ll be free.” He pulled away and wiped the tears from my eyes. “You’re stronger now than you’ve ever been. Don’t forget that.”

I nodded my head. “I won’t.”

He kissed my forehead. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow.”

I watched him step into the elevator while avoiding looking at the floor of it. The blood stain my blood caused had been cleaned up properly now, so it was no longer there physically, but it was there in my mind. The doors closed and I walked back to my apartment. As much as I didn’t want to be here I didn’t want to deal with all of Laura’s dorm neighbors staring at me or put Will or Danny out of their apartments. I didn’t have to worry about being alone though because Laura brought a suitcase of her stuff over that first day I came back and has been staying with me this whole time. I should probably think about asking her to move in with me, but I think that’s too soon for us. I’ll wait. I don’t want to rush things just because of the circumstances surrounding us. We need to talk this over for us and not anyone or anything else.

I walked back into my apartment and saw Laura had cleared the mess out of the living room. The kitchen sink was running. I locked the apartment door and double checked that it was locked securely. I made my way to the kitchen and came up behind her. I wrapped my arms around her waist and kissed the top of her shoulder.

“You didn’t have to clean this up now.”

“We’re going to be very busy tomorrow and I didn’t want the place to smell like dirty dishes when we get back,” she answered.

I rested my chin on her shoulder and watched her wash the dishes. “Thank you,” I said.

She put the last dish in the drying rack and dried her hands with the hand towel. “For what?”

“For not running away.”

Her body stiffened. “I wanted to.”

I closed my eyes and shifted to lean my forehead against her shoulder. “I know.”

She sighed. “I wasn’t going to run. Even if everything inside me was saying that I should, was wanting me to, I wasn’t going to.” She placed her hands over mine. “I’m not leaving you.” She placed her hands over mine. “I’m not leaving you.” I held her tighter and kissed her shoulder. She turned to face me and wrapped her arms around my neck. “I’m not leaving. I’m here for you tonight, tomorrow, and every day after that.”

I nodded my head and kissed her to let her know I love her and that I’m glad she didn’t run away. I know this wasn’t easy for her. this just brought her back to the last time I was in the hospital and she felt like she was going to lose me. I want her to know that I am here and I am alive. She pulled away and pressed her forehead against mine.

“I’ll need you tomorrow,” I whispered.

“I’ll be right there with you.”

I held her and wanted nothing more than to disappear with her. Just go somewhere where none of this mattered or could reach us. I want all of this to be over so it can just be her and I.

_******* _

I sat there silently as the trial seemed to proceed very quickly. It was soon going to be my turn to get on the witness stand and tell them what happened. My chest began to ache with a phantom pain from having been shot since I’ve had to sit here and relive it all over again. It was probably going to get worse when I have to tell the whole story myself. Laura squeezed my hand and I took strength from that. I glanced at her and gave her a half-hearted smile. She caressed my hand with her thumb. I took a deep calming breath as I watched Mattie step down from the witness stand and walk back over to where we were sitting. Despite Will’s questioning look, I had asked her to sit with us before the trial started. She seemed to be shocked by the request, but had composed herself within an instant and agreed. She took her seat next to me and gave me a slight nod of reassurances. I nodded back and tried not to feel sick to my stomach. I wanted to be done with all of this and go home.

“We call Carmilla Karnstein to the stand,” the prosecutor said to the court.

Laura gave my hand another squeeze before I got up. I buttoned up the blazer I was wearing with shaky hands and glanced at Will. He took a deep breath and let it out then looked at me suggesting I do the same. I did it and watched as Mattie stood again so I could pass. She gaze my shoulder a gentle squeeze as she gave me a small smile. I nodded my head and walked pass her out of the aisle and then up toward the witness. I took the oath then sat down in the chair. The pain in my chest was burning a new hole. I looked everywhere but at my Mother as I settled in and waited for the prosecutor to start asking me the questions we had gone over.

“Carmilla could you tell the court what happened the day you were shot?”

“I was in the elevator talking on the phone with my girlfriend on the way up to my apartment. When the elevator doors opened I saw my uh…my, my Mother standing there,” I struggled to say. I never want to call her that ever again. Saying it now makes me want to vomit. “She was with a man and she had whispered something in his ear. He raised his arm and that’s when I saw the gun he had in his hand. At first I had thought she had pulled the trigger because I could only really focus on her, but she only had her hand over his. The man pulled the trigger.” I began tapping my foot and tapping my fingers against my knee. “I fell back and couldn’t move.” I glanced down at my lap and flattened my hand on my thigh. “She came into the elevator and knelt down in front of me.”

“Did she say anything to you?”

“Yes.”

“What did she say?”

I glanced up and found Laura’s eyes on me. Her eyes were caring and full of worry for me. She nodded her head encouraging me to continue. “She said I was an ungrateful child and that I was a bad girl. She said I could never do anything right and that I made things difficult for her. She said that after everything she still had to punish me. She said that while pushing a finger into the bullet wound in my chest.”

“Did she say why she was doing this?”

“I didn’t visit her in prison.”

He nodded his head. “That’s all your honor.”

Lilita’s lawyer stood up and looked at me. “Why didn’t you visit your mother?”

I quickly glanced at her then away. “I didn’t want to see her.”

“Why not? She’s your mother.” I licked my bottom lip then shifted in my seat. “Ms. Karnstein?”

“I didn’t want to see her because I never wanted to see her again after everything she had put me through,” I answered doing my best to hold back the anger and hurt.

“Everything she did? What did she do besides being a loving and caring mother to you?”

I huffed and shook my head. “Is that what she told you?”

“I’m the one asking questions here Ms. Karnstein.”

I nodded my head. “Right. Well a word to the wise, you should probably get to know your client better before just believing everything that comes out of her lying mouth,” I spat. He tilted his head to the side and wore a smug smirk on his face. I took a deep breath to calm myself. “She abused me and my brother growing up. She almost beat me to death and that case is still open in the United States. She also beat me here when she found me here at my grandparents’ place and tried to kidnap me and my brother.” His smug smirk fell from his face. He looked back at Lilita. I stared at her openly for the first time today. “Judging by your reaction she didn’t tell you that bit of history.” She kept her face neutral. “I can show you the scars she gave me over the years of abuse if you don’t believe me,” I offered.

He looked at Lilita as she kept her eyes on me. She was engaging me in a staring contest. “I have no files here showing this history, so how do I know you’re not lying on the stand?” He finally asked.

“Your honor, may I present to you the United States case file on the child abuse and attempted murder of Lilita Morgan’s children Carmilla Karnstein and William Luce by their own mother?” The prosecutor interrupted holding the file in his hands.

“Bring it to me,” the judge said.

“I must warn you that the pictures of the wounds inflicted on both children by Lilita Morgan are also included in the file if you so choose to show it to the jurors,” the prosecutor said while waking back to his desk.

I sat there staring into Lilita’s eyes. She didn’t flinch or try to look away. It was like she was trying to make me crumble under her stare and make me hers again. Not this time. Not again. Not ever. I stared her down as the judge refiled through the file. She sat up straight and smoothed down her skirt in the way I have seen Mattie do it whenever she needs a moment to compose herself. Looks like Mattie did pick up some mannerisms from her. I tilted my head as she finally looked away from me.

“I will allow for the jurors to inspect the file in full including the pictures,” the judge determined.

“Thank you judge,” the prosecutor said.

“Are there only more questions for the witness?” The judge asked.

I looked at Lilita’s lawyer. He closed his folder that probably had his notes written in it. “No your honor.” He took his seat and glared at Lilita.

“You may step down Ms. Karnstein.”

I got up from my seat and made my way back to where Laura was sitting. I sat down and immediately took her hand in mine to stop it from visibly shaking. She caressed my hand with her thumb. I tapped my fingers against the bench in the space between Mattie and me. Mattie’s had rested on top of mine. I stared up at her and saw that her eyes were both caring and strong. They also held a hint of what I can only assume was regret and maybe a bit of love, but that’s something I’ll have to deal with after this. I flipped my hand over and held her hand in mine. She gave my hand a gentle squeeze then turned to face the court again.

I looked down at the ground and did not care about the closing arguments. I just wanted to go home.

* * *

 

**_Laura_ **

I walked out of the bathroom and walked over to the balcony. She was standing there resting her elbows against the railing. She was staring out at the stars and looking like she was in a different place. I walked over to her and wrapped my arms around her waist.

“What are you brooding about?” I asked jokingly.

She stood up straight and placed her hands over mine. “Would you run away with me?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean travel the world together and never stay in the same place twice. Forget about everything here and just be together, two people in love.”

I rested my chin on her shoulder. “As good as that sounds, that’s not us.”

“It could be us.”

“True, but would we be happy running away instead of moving forward? Plus we can’t leave everything unfinished here. We can’t run away.”

She sighed. “Why are you right?”

“Because you know I am.” I kissed her shoulder. “What’s wrong?”

She turned in my arms to face me. “I just want all of this to be finished. I don’t want to deal with it anymore and just move on.”

I tucked her hair behind her ear and ran my fingertips down along her jawline. “It’s almost over and then we’ll be able to move on.”

“You really think so?”

I caressed her cheek. “I believe that if we stay stuck in this moment it will eat away at us.”

She leaned into my hand and closed her eyes. “You’re right.” She nodded her head then turned to kiss the palm of my hand.

I moved away and sat down on the chair then patted the space between my legs. “Let’s look at the stars for a while.”

She moved over to me and took up the space between my legs. She leaned her back against me as I wrapped my arms around her. “I hope they come back with a verdict soon,” she said.

“So do I.”

* * *

 

**_Mattie_ **

Carmilla paced in the hallway as we waited to be able to go into the courtroom. Will leaned against the wall with his hands in his pockets as he stared down at the ground. Laura sat next to me and watched as Carmilla paced back and forth. I smoothed out my skirt then looked at my nails.

“Why did it take them two days to come to a decision?” Carmilla finally asked.

“Your lawyer did give the prosecution the file from the United States of what she did to you and that takes a while to get through because of the photos that come with it,” I answered.

She stopped to stare at me. “How long did it take you to get through that file?”

I sat up straighter and rolled my shoulders back. “A few days. It took me a while to even want to look at the photos that came with the file let alone be able to actually see what was in them.” I folded my hands on my lap.

She turned away from me and began pacing again. “Do you think she’d get off and end up in the mental institution instead of prison?”

“That’s unlikely with the file of the open U.S. case showing her history of violence towards you.”

She stopped and put her hands on her waist. “I don’t want all of this to have gone to waste.”

“It won’t.”

The court doors opened and we were ushered inside. We took up the front row just behind the prosecution and sat down as we waited for the judge to arrive. Once the judge had arrived and we all had settled back into our seats, the judge had proceeded in obtaining the verdict that the jury had deliberated about for the last two days. The judge opened the slip of paper then folded it before placing it down and folding his hands together. He sternly stared at Lilita.

“The jury has found the defendant guilty of all charges. The sentencing hearing will commence tomorrow morning at ten,” the judge announced.

I glanced out the corner of my eye to see Carmilla visibly relax. She turned to Laura and wrapped her arms around her then pulled Will into the hug. I looked away to look at Lilita. She was staring at their group hug then she looked away to meet my gaze. I could see the fury that flamed up in her eyes as she was handcuffed. Her lies have finally caught up to her and now she has no means of getting out. May she rot in prison for everything she has done.

“Hey,” Carmilla said.

I looked away from Lilita to her. “And you were worried for no reason.”

She gave me a half smile. “I tend to worry more than I should.”

“Don’t we all.”

She looked down at her feet. “I want to know about you, so if you don’t mind coming over tonight I’d great appreciate hearing your story.”

“I think I would like that very much.”

“Great. We’ll see you tonight then.” She smiled then turned to leave with Laura and Will.

 

 

 

 

 

I sat in the chair with a glass of wine in my hand while I stared down at the box I had brought with me and placed on the coffee table. Will was tapping his foot anxiously while Laura was caressing Carmilla’s hand to keep her calm. Laura gave me a hesitant smile. No one wanted to open up the can of worms that was the truth behind Lilita and I, well more accurately no one wanted to open up the box of truths that was sitting on the table. I stared at it along with the rest of them not really wanting to take this trip down memory lane, but it was one of necessity regardless if they let me stay near them or not. The truth has to come out even if others don’t like it.

I uncrossed my legs and set my wine glass down next to the box. I picked the box up and placed it on my lap. I ran my fingers along the edges of it before flicking the clasp open and raising the lid of it up. I let out a breath I hadn’t realized I was had been holding then stared down at the contents in the box. I caressed the box with my thumbs as I looked down at my history, my story. I sighed then set the box back down on the coffee table. I reached in and pulled out the first photo. It was the one that had crushed my very soul every day with the feelings of wants, dreams, wishes, and hope. I gleaned my fingers over it.

“Mother had told me I had siblings when I was around nine. I think Will would have been three at the time and Carmilla five. She didn’t say anything more on the matter no matter how much I begged her to tell me about you two or to let me meet the both of you. She always said that you two would never accept me or love me, that she was the only one who could, so that I should stop asking for something that will never happen. I kept asking anyway because how could two people not want me if they didn’t ever get the chance to meet me.” I looked up and held the photo out for Carmilla. She hesitated, but eventually reached out and took it from me. “She gave me that picture of the both of you during one of her visits so I could stop asking about how you two looked.” Carmilla passed the photo over to Will. “That’s been my most treasured photo for so long.”

I smoothed out my skirt and folded my hands on my lap. “She would tell me stories about you both whenever I could catch her in a good mood and she didn’t lash out at me for always asking. I used to pretend and dream about how things would be if we were all together as one family. How I would be as an older sibling. I wanted to teach Carmilla about dresses and skirts and play princesses together. I wanted to get to play video games with Will and teach him how to match his clothes.” I smiled then looked at the box that held more photos. “She told me what you both liked on her good days, but on her bad days I was grateful my father never left us alone together for too long. He would always come in just before she got too unruly. He didn’t trust her, but he thought that she could change and felt I needed my mother even if she would lay her hands on me.” I reached over to grab the box then handed it over to Carmilla.

“She spent Christmas with me once every three years then every other year after you had moved in with her permanently. By that time I had started to realize that she wanted me only so long as I didn’t interfere with her other family, her real family, with you two. She loved me so long as I never mentioned wanting to meet you two or spend time with you.”

I watched as Carmilla went through all of the photos and pulled out the letters I had kept bound together. The letters were to the both of them and there were quite a few. “I wrote you both letters thinking that maybe one day I’d be able to send them, but one day I understood that would never happen. then I completely understood that I was the secret child, the throw away child when she asked me to sign a contract to never try to get in contact with you or tell you who I am if we were to ever meet in exchange for her paying for law school. I agreed because I had lost hope in ever being able to meet the both of you.” I leaned back in the chair. “I never got the chance to know the both of you, to grow up with you, but I still found myself loving you even though I only knew you from the little bit of information she would give me from time to time.” I watched as Carmilla and Will rifled through the box. “I know that it may be too late for anything now and that since I kept this from the both of you that you might not want me around, but I need to tell you the truth. It was killing me to not tell you the truth now that you were in arms reach. If you don’t want me in your lives that’s fine. I only ask for you to forgive me for not saying anything sooner.”

Will huffed and shook his head. “Mother always took a Christmas off for business, but I see where exactly she went if she didn’t go see Carmilla.”

“More like we now know what she meant whenever she said she had to go away for business,” Carmilla added as she flipped a photo over to look at the date on the back.

“Nice to know I was treated as a business trip,” I said mildly bitter.

Carmilla sat back with some of the pictures in her lap. “You said your father never let you two be alone for long, why?”

I crossed my legs and began to tap my foot. “The first and only time he truly left us alone because he wanted to; she beat me with a belt she was wearing. The second time he had no choice because he was called into work and my grandparents were away at the time; she beat me again and locked me in my room without food or drink for the rest of the day.” I stared at my finger nails. “After that my father refused to leave us alone for long. Although there were times she was able to hit me while he would go to run a quick errand or go to grab something in another room.”

Carmilla handed the photos over to Laura to look at. “You willing to tell us the stories behind these pictures?” She asked while getting another glance of the photos in Laura’s hands.

“Start with this one,” Will said while holding up a photo. It was the one where Lilita took me to Spain for Christmas. One of the rare times she was a decent person.

Maybe there’s hope for me to be a part of their family yet.

* * *

 

**_Carmilla_ **

I folded my arms on top of the railing then leaned down to rest my chin on top of them. I stared at the crowd of people below as they walked around the city.

“Well swapping stories with Mattie was fun,” Will said genuinely.

“It was.”

There was a moment of silence as we both just stood there. “I can’t honestly hate her, but I don’t want to open the door wide open for her,” he finally said.

I stood up and gripped the railing. “We don’t need to open the door wide open for her, but a little bit at a time.”

“So we’re going to give her a chance then?”

“I don’t see why not.”

He pushed off the railing and turned to look out at the city. “Mother really was a monster wasn’t she,” he stated.

“She really was.” I put my hand on his shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze. “But we’re done with her now. For good this time.”

He nodded his head. “So an older sister huh,” he mused. “Looks like you’ll be getting the younger sibling treatment from now on too.”

I shoved him. “Shut up!”

He chuckled then back away from the railing. “I’m going to head out now. You have a good night Kitty.”

“Yeah yeah. Go home Willy Boy.”

He smiled and shook his head then left me alone on the balcony. Having an older sister is going to be a pretty big change especially at our age. I mean it will be a while before Mattie got comfortable enough to joke with us and it will certainly take Will and I some time to warm up to her, but I think it can be done. I think we can work it out and get to a place where we’re just three siblings joking around as if nothing bad has ever happened to us, as if our shared mother didn’t screw us up or hurt us for years. We can get there. I know we can. I smiled. Now I am sounding as positive as Laura which isn’t a bad thing if I’m being honest.

“You three seemed to have gotten along well tonight.”

I turned to look at Laura. “Yeah. Despite everything we did have some good memories to fall back although the ones most joyful for us were the ones we had with our fathers.”

She nodded her head and hugged herself. “I’m glad. You three deserve a fresh start without your mother in the picture.”

I leaned back against the railing. “The same can be said about us.”

She leaned against the door frame. “We’re alright?” She asked.

“We’re alright,” I confirmed.

I walked over to her. She turned to have her back pressing against the door frame. I took her hands and lifted them up above her head. I threaded our fingers together then down and captured her lips with my own. I kissed her slowly and longingly. I brought our joined hands down then pulled them toward my back. I let go of her hands then cupped her face in my hands. Her arms loosely wrapped around my waist. We stood there enjoying the slowness and care of our kiss.

She pulled back after a while and pressed her forehead to mine. “We’re alright,” she whispered.

“We’re alright,” I said back as if it was a mantra.

We’re alright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can follow and ask me questions by going to musictomyearshsau.tumblr.com.


	26. Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is NSFW. I repeat this is NSFW. Do not read in public unless you can keep a straight face or go ahead and read it if you dare to. Enjoy lovelies. ;)

**_Laura_ **

I sat down at the usual booth and sipped my hot chocolate. The door opened and I looked up to see Klara. She made her way over to the table then sat down across from me. She looked a little stressed out, but with the large course load we were just handed from our art instructor I was beginning to feel the stress as well especially since I have missed a lot of days for Carmilla. I was currently playing catch up with assignments I missed or didn’t even bother to turn in because of all that was happening. Thankfully Danny was helping me with English and LaF was helping me with Chemistry. Klara was nice enough to keep a detailed record of all of our assignments and the requirements and also helping me get everything I needed. Without her I would be failing my art class with no chance of ever crawling back from that failing grade by the end of the semester.

“Thanks for coming,” I said.

She ran her fingers through her hair and smiled. “Nice to see you’re happy.”

I smiled. “Yes well things are finally calming down.”

“How’s Carmilla doing?”

“She’s good. She’s currently in the process of moving to a different apartment closer to campus because she doesn’t want to stay in her current apartment any longer.”

Klara looked down at the menu. “I wouldn’t want to stay there either if that’s where I was shot by my own mother.”

“True.” I took another drink from my hot chocolate. “How are things with Melina?”

She lowered the menu and had a bright smile on her face. “Good. We’re planning to spend the upcoming summer in Greece where she’s going to show me around the place and spend time with her family.”

I smirked. “Meeting the family huh? You scared?”

She put the menu down. “Yes. I haven’t been with someone long enough to meet their parents, so this is going to be a challenge.”

I nodded my head. “Don’t think about it too much or you’ll end up messing it up.”

“I know. It’s just still in the back of my mind.”

“Yeah.” I glanced out the window.

“What’s wrong?”

“What do you mean?”

“You’re getting that far off look in your eyes. Are you sure things are alright with Carmilla?”

I looked back at her and gave her a small smile. “Yeah. I just. I don’t know.” I looked down at my hot chocolate. “We’ve gotten very close lately and I don’t know if it’s because of us or because of everything that has happened. I don’t want things to go wrong because we moved too quickly because of everything that happened.”

“You’re an idiot.” I snapped my head up to stare at her. She smiled wide and shook her head. “You two were passengers on speeding trains going in opposite directions with what you wanted and what you were afraid of, but you always got off at the same station because you could never stay apart for too long. Before everything with her mother happened, you two were on the same train traveling at a slow pace. You may have had to make some stops at other stations along the way, but that doesn’t change the fact that you two were on the same train.” I stared at her some more. She folded her hands on the table. “To put it simply, you two were going to fall into one another whether everything that happened ever happened. You two have spent almost this entire year falling into one another like it was the most natural thing to do. It doesn’t matter what happened, you two were going to be where you’re at now at this moment in time because you two have what many people spend a life time searching for and that’s comfort, safety, trust, love, the acknowledgement of fear, and the willingness to grow separately and together at once.” She reached over and gripped my hand in hers. “It was not what happened, but who you two are.”

I squeezed her hand. “You’re right.”

She smiled and squeezed my hand back. “I know I am, but seriously don’t worry.”

I let out a deep sigh. “Is it crazy for me to want to move in with her then?”

“No.” She sat back. “It’s not crazy at all.”

I nodded my head. “I’ll have to see what Carmilla thinks, but not right now.”

“Whatever works for you.”

“Alright let’s talk about our art class because the concept of this assignment is confusing me.” I pulled the instructions out for the assignment we were currently working on.

“I’m not having much luck with it either, but maybe two brains are better than one.” We poured over the assignment for the rest of the afternoon.

* * *

 

**_Carmilla_ **

“You know Mattie, things would go quicker if you helped out,” I said lowering a box onto the ground.

She stood there and stared at her nails. “Oh darling I don’t do the lifting, I pay people to do it for me.”

I rolled my eyes. “And you didn’t think to pay people to help me out?”

She smirked. “And miss out on all the fun of watching you struggle with all of your stuff? Not a chance.”

“You can be a pain sometimes.”

She pressed her hand to her chest. “You wound me.”

I shook my head and picked the box up to carry into the building. “I’ll remember this when I’m ordering food for lunch.”

“That doesn’t mean I can’t order my own food!” She called after me.

I huffed then climbed onto the elevator with my box of stuff. I shifted the weight of the box so I wouldn’t drop it then sighed as the doors slid open. I walked over to my new apartment and pushed the door open. I walked inside and placed the box in the living room. I looked around at all of the furniture in the apartment. It was filled, but it felt so empty and hollow. I ran my fingers through my hair. After a month of trying to get this place cleaned up and some new paint and tiles lay down, it still didn’t feel like home. I could feel my father in the room because I kept all of his furniture, but there was something else missing. I bit down on my lip and looked around the room again. I’ll figure it out later.

I walked over to my bedroom where Will was supposed to be putting my new bed frame together for my bed. I dragged my fingers along the newly painted walls of the hallway then leaned against the doorframe to my room. He was shoving the box frame onto the new bed frame then he tossed the bed on top of that. He shoved it a few times to make sure it was on fully then stood up and did a fist pump.

“You have been spending too much time with your frat bros,” I teased.

He looked at me and smiled. “Nothing wrong with that. They are my bros after all.”

I shook my head. “Everything good in here?”

“Yup. Your frame is all put together without any problems and your new bed is ready for some sheets and pillows.”

I nodded my head. “Thanks.”

“No problem.”

He looked around the room. “So why yellow and white walls?”

I shrugged. “Just needed a change is all.”

He smirked. “Just that? I mean a certain tiny gay has nothing to do with it at all whatsoever?”

I tried not to smile. “No. She has nothing to do with it.”

He squinted his right eye. “You sure because I could swear her favorite color is yellow.” He smiled wider and looked around the room. “So the blue trim and the constellations done in black in the corners also have nothing to do with the tiny gay?”

“Drop it Will.”

“Only when you tell the truth Kitty.”

“Are we discussing how Carmilla painted the bedroom in her girlfriend’s favorite color with spots of her own?” Mattie asked while coming up behind me.

“I did not!” I denied.

“Of course you didn’t Kitty,” Will teased.

“Stop calling me that!” I growled at him.

“Darling if you’re going to work in a bar called the Black Cat, Kitty is only a fitting name,” Mattie said joining in on the teasing with a smirk.

“I hate the both of you,” I grumbled. They both laughed. “If your both done making fun of me, can we get started on unpacking everything?”

“I guess I can help with that,” Mattie said.

“Well I don’t want to ruin your nails dear sister,” I said sarcastically.

“Why thank you for being so considerate,” she said in a too sweet sarcastic voice. I narrowed my eyes at her. She smiled. “I’m going to help. If there’s anything I’m good at besides law it’s organizing.” She moved pass me and into the living room.

Will came up behind me. “Why did we give her a chance again?” I asked him.

“Because she’s so obviously our sister,” he said while chuckling.

I shook my head. “Sarcasm is clearly an inherited trait in this family.”

“You said it.” He put his hand on my shoulder and shoved me forward. “Now come on we have some unpacking to do.”

“Yeah yeah yeah,” I groaned. We got into the living room and were hit with balled up newspaper we used to pack up the glass stuff. “What the hell?!”

Mattie laughed loudly at our shocked faces and threw more paper at us. “Welcome home!”

“You little monster!” I picked up the paper balls from the ground.

“More like big monster since the both of you are the little monsters,” she corrected.

A paper ball soared over to her and she ducked behind the counter. “Don’t hide now big sister! It’s two against one now!” Will called happily.

I gave him another paper ball then we both walked into the kitchen. Mattie popped up and tried to run around us. We pelted her with the paper balls as she shrieked and ran into the living room. I reached into the box and grabbed more newspaper. I made more paper ball ammo and started to throw them at her. She ducked down behind the couch and collected all of the paper balls I tossed at her. I held some back and handed a few to Will. We both charged into the living room. Mattie stood up and started to throw paper balls at us and we threw them right back. Mattie tried to run around us again, but Will grabbed her around the waist and lifted her up. She shrieked and kicked her bare feet up into the air as Will placed her down on the couch. We stuck her with the last of the paper balls we had as she held her arms up to shield herself. Will picked them up off the floor and dropped them down on her like confetti.

He leaned forward putting his hands on his knees and laughed. Mattie pushed all of the paper balls off her and lay on the couch laughing. I put my hands on my waist and shook my head. I looked at them both. This is what was missing here. My apartment doesn’t feel so lifeless anymore. Although there is still one other thing missing.

* * *

 

**_Laura_ **

I got off the elevator and made my way to Carmilla’s new apartment. I pulled out the key she gave me and unlocked her door. I stepped into the apartment and my eyes instantly fell on a string hanging from the ceiling with a note stuck to it. I looked around to see if Carmilla was here, but all I saw was that everything had gotten unpacked and that they had left the boxes in the corner. They must have been too tired to take the boxes down to the recycler.

“Carm?” I called out. Maybe she’s in her room or the bathroom or something. I set my backpack down by the door and kicked my shoes off. “Carm?” I called again. I stood with my hands on my hips and looked around. No answer. I ran my fingers through my hair.

I walked over to the note that was hanging down from the string and saw that there was something else attached to it. I untied it and pulled down the note and a heart shaped pendant that looked like it belonged on a necklace. I stared at the pendant some more. It looks very familiar. I turned it over in my hand then smiled. It was part of the necklace I gave her for Christmas all those years ago. I opened up the note and read what was inside.

_May the weight of my heart never weigh on you with fears or doubts,_

_but with the love I have held for you for all these years. From the_

_moment I laid eyes on you to this very moment in time. May it last_

_until the very last moments of our lives. I am forever yours, so know_

_I will always come back for you._

I folded the note back up then walked down the hallway. There was another note hanging from the ceiling in the middle of the hallway. I untied this one along with the key pendant that had come with the original necklace. I opened up this note to read it.

_Home is where my soul is at peace and where I can rest my weary_

_bones. Home is where my heart has settled and where I can go to be_

_vulnerable. Home is where love lives. I am home when I am with you_

_and so long as you will have me, I will always know where home is._

I wiped at my eyes to keep my tears at bay. I folded up the note and looked down at the heart and key pendants. I clutched them to my chest and walked over to her room. I stopped in the doorway. On the bed was a note folded so it stood on top of the bed. I walked over to it and saw the promise ring I had given her for her birthday on the necklace that originally held the heart and key pendant. I picked it up and slid the heart and key pendant back onto the necklace making sure the ring was in the middle. I held it up to look at all three joined together. I lowered the necklace then reached out for the final note.

_Long ago you gave me this ring to let me know you will always love me._

_Now like the band of this ring, it comes back full circle. I give you this_

_ring to let you know I will always love you no matter what should_

_happen. I will support you, I will fight for you and with you, I will ease_

_your pain and sooth your wounds, and I will be your safety and your_

_home. I am your friend and I am your partner._

“I give you all of me in hopes you give me all of you. I am me and you are you, but we can still be an us,” Carmilla said from behind me. I turned to look at her. “There is still a lot for us to do, but I know we will get through it,” she said as she came closer. She took the necklace from me and opened it. “May this necklace guide you back to me should you ever lose your way and know that I am always with you at every step.” She clasped the necklace around my neck. Her fingers traveled down my arms to my hands.

I entwined our fingers together and stepped closer to her. “Thank you,” I whispered. I let go of her hands and wrapped my arms around her waist.

“You’re welcome.” She hugged me and kissed the top of my head.

* * *

 

**_Carmilla_ **

She pulled back from the hug and stood on her tip toes to kiss me. I leaned down so she could stand flat on the ground again. She pulled me tighter against her and began to kiss me feverishly. I licked her bottom lip before biting it gently. She whimpered and moved her hands to grab hold of my face. She twined her fingers in my hair and parted her lips. I slid my tongue into her mouth and wrapped my arms around her waist holding her close. Her mouth was hot and her tongue was scorching against mine. I moved my hands down from her waist, over her ass, then to the back of her thighs. I squeezed the back of her thighs just before lifting her up. She broke from the kiss and wrapped her legs around my waist. I ducked my head down to the crook of her neck. I ran my lips down against her neck then pressed gentle kisses back up to just beneath her chin. She held my head against her neck and I bit down on her neck just enough for it to hurt, but also be pleasurable. She gasped and gripped my hair tighter between her fingers.

I moved one of my arms to wrap around her lower back then crawled onto the bed holding her securely against me. I pulled the comforter back then lay her down on the sheets. She kept her legs wrapped around me keeping me trapped against her. I slipped my hands under the front of her shirt and trailed them up her stomach feeling the taught muscles of her abs then ran them over her bra covered breasts. I moved my hands back down making sure to drag my nails against her skin. Her back arched up off the bed as her eyes closed. She gripped the sheets between her fingers as I dragged my nails all the way down to her waist. I pushed her shirt up to pool below her breast then pressed soothing kisses to the bright pink scratch marks on her stomach.

She untangled her legs from my waist to press her feet flat against the bed. I put more weight on my knees as I wrapped an arm around her and pulled her up into a sitting position. I grabbed the bottom of her shirt then pulled it off of her tossing it over the side of the bed. She went to lower her arms, but I stopped her by grabbing the back of her hands and threading my fingers between hers. I brought her hands down onto my shoulders making sure that the inside of her arms were turned toward me. I kissed my way up along the raised skin of her scars on each of her arms replacing the bad memories that they brought with the feel of my loving lips. I know that in truth the memories can never truly disappear, but at least they will mix with the ones from this moment.

I trailed my fingers up the back of her arms to her shoulders as I pressed one last kiss to the scar on her left arm. I moved my fingers down her back to the clasp of her bra. I looked her in the eyes then and was met with the fiery desire of want and need mixed with heartache and healing. Her hands traveled up my shoulders to the back of my head and neck. She pulled me to her and kissed me sorrowfully, but with devotion. I unclasped her bra and trailed the straps down her shoulders to the crook of her elbows. She released me so I could slide her bra the rest of the way off. I tossed it in the same direction as her shirt. She wrapped her arms around my neck as I leaned forward to press her back down against the bed.

I broke from the kiss then began to trail kisses down the right side of her neck until I got to the scar on her collarbone. I kissed the length of the scar delicately and felt her chest rise with a deep breath. I moved along to kiss the length of her other collarbone before bringing my kisses to the center of her chest. I pressed a long kiss to her chest where her heart lay hoping to reach her heart itself in some way. Her fingers slipped into my hair and gripped it slightly. I moved away from her chest and pressed kisses down the very center of her body to her waist. I tilted my head to the right then bit down on the center of her waist. She bucked her hips up and groaned. I sucked the bitten skin into my mouth and sucked on it until I felt I had left a mark there. I pulled away and ran my tongue up her body back over the trail of kisses I had left. I moved to her right breast and circled my tongue around her hard nipple. I flicked the tip of it before entrapping it in my mouth. I brushed my teeth against it and heard her gasp as her fingers clutched my hair tighter holding me against her. I sucked on her nipple then bit down on it. That earned me another gasp and her back raised off the bed a bit. I twirled my tongue around it then sucked on it hard before releasing it from my mouth. I moved over to her left nipple to do the same.

As I worked my tongue against her left nipple, I trailed my nails along her sides. She took in a deep breath. I moved my fingers along her waist then unbuttoned her pants. I pulled the zipper down on her pants. She moved her hands from my hair to run down my body. She gripped the bottom of my shirt and began tugging it up my body. I released her nipple. She pushed against me forcing me up on my knees again. She sat up and pulled my shirt up and off me. She tossed it to the side then ran her fingers along my bare skin following them with her lust filled eyes and the eyes of an artist trying to remember every single last detail on my body. Her fingers traveled along my waist to my back then up my back to the clasp of my bra. She leaned forward and pressed a kiss to my right shoulder as she unclasped my bra. She slid the bra straps down my arms making sure her fingers trailed along my skin the entire time. She tossed my bra off to the side then moved her hands to my back then up to press against my shoulder blades. She pulled me close and brought me down with her as she lay back down on the bed.

Her skin was fire against my own and it felt so right. I leaned more of my weight against her to feel more of her bare skin against mine. I could feel her stomach and chest contract with every breath she took and never felt so in tune with someone else like this before where the breath I exhaled filled in the space of the breath she took. She clutched my shoulder blades and rolled her hips up against my waist for friction. I leaned down and captured her lips in a passionate kiss wanting more of her in this moment. She pulled me closer and I settled more of my weight on her. She dragged her nails down along my back over the many scars that littered it then back up. I shivered at the sensation of her making her own marks on my back; claiming it as her own. I bit down on her bottom lip and pulled back taking it with me until it slipped out from between my teeth.

She looked at me with her starving eyes. I leaned down and began to bite my way down her body. I grasped the waist band of her underwear and pants together then began pulling them down her legs. Her breaths came in short huffs as I bit down on her skin. Once I got to her waist, I sat up on my knees to pull her pants and underwear down the rest of the way off making sure to slip her socks off as well. I tossed everything over the side of the bed then placed my hands on her knees. I looked down at her body savoring every inch of skin that was both marked and unmarked by me. I watched as her chest rose and fell with every breath she took. Her fingers grasped the sheets of the bed tighter as I took in every bit of her skin burning it with my ravenous gaze.

I slipped my hands underneath her knees then kissed up her right leg slowly from her ankle all the way up to the crevice of her thigh and pelvis. I bit down on this spot and her hips bucked up along with a loud gasp escaping her mouth. I sucked on this spot making sure to leave a mark. I pulled back and did the same thing to her left leg. I felt the sheet move up and I looked to see her hands fisting the sheets in a death grip as her head lolled back against the pillows. I smirked at the sight of her unfolding beneath me without having touched her where she desperately needed me.

I kept my eyes on her as I lowered the tip of my tongue to the tip of her clit and flicked it. Her back arched up as she pulled the sheets along with her. I did it again to watch her wither a bit some more.

“Carm, please,” she finally begged after teasing her a couple more times.

I smirked then circled her clit with my tongue then down to her dripping entrance. She whined at first then moaned as my tongue circled her entrance and I took some of her cum into my mouth. I loudly groaned at the taste of her on my tongue and dipped my tongue inside her wanting to taste more of her. She moaned loudly and bucked her hips up. I moved my hands from under her knees to her hips and pressed her back down onto the mattress holding her there firmly as I moved my tongue around inside her swallowing her cum and savoring the taste of her with each flick of my tongue. I moaned against her then pulled back. I flattened my tongue against her and dragged it back up to her clit. I flicked it with my tongue. She did her best to thrust up, but I dug my hands into her hips more to hold her down.

“Fuck Carm, please,” she whined.

I closed my mouth around her clit then finally pressed my flattened tongue against it. She moaned loudly as I added more pressure and began to thrust my tongue against her clit. Her fingers threaded in my hair as she held me against her. I sucked on her clit softly at first and let go of her hips slightly. She bucked up against my tongue and I sucked harder on her clit. I released it then scraped my teeth against it. She pulled my hair then. I groaned at the pleasurable pain then pressed my tongue back to her clit. I released my grip on her hips and allowed her to thrust up against my tongue. I slid my right hand away from her hip then moved to circle her wet entrance with my fingers lubricating them with her cum. I slid my middle finger inside her slowly causing her to gasp.

I moved my tongue away from her clit and began thrusting my finger in and out of her slowly. She gripped my hair tightly as she moaned. I looked up at her and saw her back arched up and her head thrown back exposing her neck fully. I’m not one to leave visible marks, but I really wanted to bite and suck on her neck right now leaving as many marks as I could. I watched her chest heave with shallow breaths then added my ring finger inside her after I felt she was ready enough for me to do so. Her back arched some more and her hips thrust up against my fingers. I dipped down to run my tongue against her clit again before moving up her body. I curled my fingers up inside her which earned me an unrestrained moan. I leaned down and bit down on her neck. Her hands flattened against my shoulder blades as I thrust my fingers against her G-spot. I quickened my pace slightly. She dug her finger nails into my shoulder blades then scarped them along my back. Those were definitely going to leave a lasting mark. I curled my fingers more adding more pressure to her G-spot.

“Yes Carm, baby, please right there,” she moaned in my ear.

I thrust my fingers a bit rougher and felt her legs wrap around my waist trapping me against her. She kissed my shoulder then bit down on it to stop herself from moaning extremely loud. Her teeth dug in a bit deeply causing me pain, yet feeling so damn good. I quickened my pace wanting to bring her over the edge. She clutched my shoulder blades even tighter digging her nails ruthlessly into me as she released my shoulder from her teeth. She moaned and quickly breathed against my ear as she started to get closer to her release. I moved my head back away from her neck and watched as her head tilted back with her eyes shut.

“Carmilla!” She cried out as she orgasimed.

I slowed my pace down steadily as I felt her body begin to gradually relax. Once her back was fully pressed against the mattress, her legs unwrapped from around my waist, and her grip on my shoulder blades released, I slipped my fingers out of her. She opened her eyes to lock onto mine as I brought my fingers to my mouth. Her eyes darted to my cum coated fingers and followed them as I sucked the cum off of them one at a time. She bit down on her lower lip. I moaned at the taste and watched as her eyes became heavy with desire. I placed my hands down on either side of her head then bent down. She released her bottom lip then parted her lips for me. I dipped my tongue into her mouth and felt the vibrations of her moan as her tongue slid against mine tasting herself on me. She put her hands against my shoulder then wrapped a leg around my waist then flipped us so that I was now on my back.

“My turn,” she said with a low sexy voice that sent chills throughout my body.

* * *

 

**_Laura_ **

I shifted so I was between her legs now seeing the wet spot I had left on her waist from briefly straddling her. I lowered my head to lick it up then sucked on the spot feeling her stomach tense from the sensation. I kissed the spot, happy with the mark I left, then trailed my lips up the center of her body. I dragged my lips up the length of her neck then kissed along her jawline. I ran my hands up her body as I pressed kisses down the length of her neck to her shoulder. I moved my hands to rest over her breast then groped them gently in my hands. Her breath hitched and her head tilted back a bit. I groped her breast more firmly making sure her nipples were squeezed between my middle and ring finger. She let out a ragged breath and I felt her legs press against my own as she pulled them up so the bottom of her feet rested flat against the bed.

I smiled against her neck then bit down on her shoulder as I moved my hands so I could roll her nipples between my forefinger and thumb. She hooked her legs around mine and thrusted up against my waist. I trailed my hands down to her waist and shoved them back down against the mattress. I released her shoulder then licked and sucked at the new bite mark I left to help ease the pain. I kissed down to her left breast then encased her nipple in my mouth. I caressed her hips with my thumbs as I sucked on her nipple then pressed my tongue flat against it before sucking hard on it. Her left ankle pressed hard against my leg as it moved down slowly. I released her nipple then moved over to her right breast to do the same. Her hips jerked at the sensation and I pressed down to keep her still. She groaned with a slight hint of impatience.

I hovered up just enough so that the necklace she just gave me barely pressed against her skin. I lowered myself achingly slow trailing the tip of the pendants down along her body to her waist. I could see her body tighten up as she held her breath. I lifted up so that the pendants were no longer touching her skin and she let out a slow breath. I moved my hands off her hips and ran them over her stomach feeling the raised skin of her scars that have been there for years. I traced over each one committing them to memory and remembering the last time I saw them. She trembled from my touch as I’m sure she might be remembering that old memory as well. I leaned down and pressed a kiss to each and every scar lovingly. Steadily her trembling subsided. I looked up into her eyes and saw just a hint of panic in the dominating trust that filled them.

I moved up to cup her face in my hands. I caressed her cheeks with my thumbs then pressed a gentle and loving kiss to her lips. Her hands went to my hips and pulled me down closer against her body. I slipped my fingers into her hair as she deepened the kiss. Her ankles moved back up my legs. I trailed my fingers down alone her jawline, down her neck, then onto her shoulders. I pulled away from the kiss to stare down into her eyes. They were glossed over with desire and her nails dug into my hips. I bit my bottom lip. I ducked my head down to trail kisses down her neck. I kept moving down her body until I got back to her waist.

I kissed the length of her waist as I unbuttoned her pants. I pulled the zipper down then began pulling her pants and underwear down. I kissed the top of her right thigh, her knee, and then her shin as I pulled her pants and underwear off. I tossed them to the side then kissed up the top of her left leg. Her skin was soft against my lips. I ran my fingertips up along the inside of her legs as I stared down at her body. Her skin was fair and in stark contrast to the dark purple of the sheets. Her raven black hair was sprawled out messily on the pillows below her. I raked my eyes over her body with more focus trying to remember every shadow, every dip in her ribs, every mark I have left so far, and every scar that was visible to me in this very moment. My fingertips traveled along her body as my substitute brushes memorizing the feel of her beneath them. I stared into her eyes and my breath got caught in my throat at how close to black they seemed right now. She was beyond comprehensible and she was mine.

I knelt down and gripped her thighs in my hands. I dipped my tongue down into her entrance and moaned relentlessly at the first taste of her on my tongue. Her hips thrust up as a low moan escaped her lips. I swirled my tongue around inside her as my hunger to make her come undone grew. Her body shifted and I kept a tight hold on her thighs as I lagged my tongue up to her clit. I closed my mouth around it and sucked hard wanting to hear her voice get louder so I could remember it for later. She gasped and groaned. Her fingers tangled in my hair as she pulled me closer to her. I flattened my tongue over her clit and began to thrust it up and down against it. She moaned and gripped my hair tighter.

Her feet swiped against the sheets as they moved up more. I freed my right hand from her thigh and trailed my nails along her skin until I got to her entrance. I slowly slid my middle finger inside of her and heard her moan out loudly. I curled it up and steadily pumped it in and out of her. Her legs went over my shoulders and I could feel her hook her ankles together then press the heels down against my spine. Her heels slid down my spine as I curled my finger some more and added pressure. She thrust her hips up to match the ministrations of my tongue on her clit. Once I felt that she was wet enough and ready, I slid my ring finger inside of her and sucked on her clit at the same time.

“Fuck Laura!” She called out.

I curled both of my fingers increasing the pressure against her G-spot. I pulled back from her clit and flicked the tip of it with my tongue. She thrust her hips up seeking the pressure of my tongue. I pulled back more at the same time I thrust my fingers in her roughly. Her back arched off the bed and one of her hands shot up to press against the backboard of the bed frame.

“Fucking hell Laura!” She groaned while tossing her head back against the pillows.

I increased the pace of my fingers thrusting in her. I squeezed through what room she left me between her legs effectively removing her legs from on top of my shoulders. I scratched up her body with my nails watching as her chest stilled from her holding her breath. I lifted my nails off her skin and she let out a low moan. I pressed the palm of my hand against her clit and moved my hand in a way to keep my fingers moving in and out of her, but also have my palm thrusting against her clit. She glided her hands down my body until they rested on top of my butt. She gripped my butt tightly as she began to thrust up against my hand.

I ducked my head down to her chest. I kissed every scar except this one. It scares me because it reminds me that Carm isn’t immortal and that anything could happen to the person I love, but I can’t always be afraid of it. I kissed the scar on her chest that only existed because of the bullet that tore through her. Anger began to build up in my chest at the feel of the new wound on my lips that was raised higher than all of her other scars. I bit down on the scar hard which made her toss her head back with a loud cry and dig her nails into my butt. I bit down a bit harder then pulled back. I kissed the bite mark then sucked the skin into my mouth. I sucked hard on the scar making sure to leave a bruising mark there. I pulled back from the scar then started to move my hand faster and harderto bring her to climax.

Her hands moved up my back and gripped my shoulders blades as her back arched higher off the bed followed by a satisfied moan. I slowed down bit by bit watching and feeling her body relax back down on the bed. I slid my fingers out of her and brought them to my mouth. She opened her eyes to look up at me as she ran her fingers through her tangled and sweaty hair. I sucked the cum off my fingers then leaned down to kiss her. She graciously accepted my tongue in her mouth and practically purred at the taste of herself on my tongue. She ran her fingers through my hair as I pulled away from the kiss.

I stared down at her glistening face and trailed the back of my fingers along her cheek. I pecked her lips. “Do you trust me?” I asked.

“Yes,” she responded instantly.

“Turn over for me.”

Her eyes filled with the hint of panic from earlier, but she turned over onto her stomach for me. I sat up real quick to grab the blanket from the bottom of the bed then pulled it up to our waists. I then pressed my fingers against a long scar in the middle of her back and I felt her tense up immediately. I kissed along the scar and did the same for another one that was almost like it in length. Slowly, gently, and lovingly, I traced each individual scar with my fingertips then followed it with my lips. I did this fully twice before she finally relaxed and I did it a third and fourth time to make sure she had fully and completely relaxed. She pulled a pillow closer to her and bundled it up to wrap her arms around it and rest her head.

I lay my head on her shoulder blade and began to lazily trace over the scars on her back. I closed my eyes and finally rest my hand on her back. I pressed a kiss to her shoulder blade then got comfortable against her. The feeling of her back rising and falling from her chest expanding from her breathing was gently lulling me to sleep.

“Laura?” She whispered.

“Hmm…?” I answered.

“Will you move in with me?” I opened my eyes then and turned over onto my back. She turned onto her side to stare at me. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to,” she said back tracking.

I shook my head and turned onto my side to face her. “It’s not that.” Her eyebrows raised in question. I bit my lip. “It’s just that, I was thinking about asking if I could move in with you earlier today.” She nodded her head.

She cupped my face in her hand and caressed my cheek with her thumb. “Does that mean yes then?” She asked.

I smiled and kissed her wrist. “Yes.”

She smiled happily and kissed me sweetly. She pulled the blanket up a bit higher then wrapped me up in her arms. I kissed her chest as I wrapped my arms around her and held her close.

This is where I want to be. Always.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this chapter. Hit me up at musictomyearshsau.tumblr.com


	27. Better This Time

**_Carmilla_ **

I pulled my phone out of my pocket and bumped into someone as I read the text. “I’m so sorry,” I tucked my phone back into my pocket and looked at the person.

“It’s fine.”

“Catherine?” I asked.

She looked up and gave me a small awkward smile. “Hey.”

“Hey,” I said back.

She lowered her arms and straightened out her shirt. “How are you doing?” She asked.

“Pretty good. You?”

“I’m doing great.”

“You cut your hair,” I observed.

She looked off to the side then back to me. “Yeah I did. I thought I’d change it up a bit.”

“It looks good.”

“Thanks.” She shoved her free hand into her pocket. “I heard about the shooting. How are you doing?”

“Uh…I’m doing better now. The wound has healed, but I still have the nightmares from time to time.”

She nodded her head. “You’ve always had nightmares.”

I looked down at the ground. “Yeah. Now I just have another one to add to the ones I already have.”

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to remind you.”

I looked up and sighed. “No. It’s fine. We can’t really pretend we never dated.”

She bit her lower lip. “You’re right, but still sorry. I’m trying not to make this awkward.”

I nodded my head. “I think we’re both doing poorly at that.”

She smiled. “Yeah, but I mean it’s not like we’ve spent a lot of time together or saw each other a lot after everything between us.”

“I’m sorry about going to you that one night.”

She looked down at the ground then shrugged. “Honestly I was pissed and hurt about you doing that, but I honestly just wanted you to be happy.” She gave me a small smile. “You look very happy now by the way, so I take it things with Laura went well?”

I smiled widely. “Yes. We’re actually living together now.”

She nodded her head. “I’m glad. You look settled and at peace now.”

I looked away for a moment. “Yeah I really am.” I looked back to her. “For what it’s worth, I really did try with you.”

“I know,” she said. She gave me a sad smile. “A part of me still wishes we had worked out, but I know you were never going to be truly mine.”

“Catherine…”

She held her hand up to interrupt me. “Look I know that eventually we would have had to end things because I know I was never going to be who you really wanted to be with. I just want to let you know that you better not screw things up with Laura because then I’ll really be pissed that you ruined a great relationship because from what I’ve heard you two are a great couple and are good together. If you break her heart I’m coming after you to smack some sense into you.” She smiled wide.

I shook my head and chuckled. “Fair enough.”

She shoved my shoulder. “I mean it. Don’t ruin it.”

“I won’t.”

She nodded her head. “Well I need to get going, I have a lunch date.”

“Right. Sorry about bumping into you. Hope you didn’t get coffee on your shirt.”

“It’s fine. I’ll see you around.”

“Yeah.”

She smiled and walked past me. I turned back to watch her go and smiled. She turned back and gave me a small wave. It’s funny how much time has passed. We’re different people now, but we’ll always share some history.

* * *

 

**_Laura_ **

“So you’re dating Kirsch now?” I asked.

Danny looked down at the table. “Yeah we finally ended up talking about it and made it official recently.”

I smiled. “That’s good to hear. I think he’s a good fit for you.”

She looked up with relieved eyes. “Thanks. He’s a sweet guy even if he does act like the typical zeta every once in a while.”

I leaned into the palm of my hand. “He’s a very sweet guy, but if he hurts you I’m using my Krav Maga skills on him.”

She laughed. “You have my full permission.”

I looked out the window. “I’m still sorry for not being there for you with your ex.”

“I know, but you can’t keep that on your shoulders Laura.” I looked back at her to see how genuine she was. “We were both in a bad place at the time and things just ended up slipping through the cracks. Not even LaF or Perry knew about what was going on. I was very good at hiding it.”

“Promise me you won’t hide something like that from any of us again. If someone is abusing you you tell us and we will do everything we can to help you.”

“I promise.”

I reached out and took her hand. “We’re family Danny, let’s not put distance between us again. I think we’ve all had enough of that for a lifetime.”

“That is very true although I would be more worried about you bolting than me getting into another bad situation.” She squeezed my hand. “How are things with Carmilla?”

I smiled. “I’m not going to run for the hills if that’s what you’re asking.” She smirked. “Everything is fine. It’s a slow process to figure out how to live together and learn what each other’s triggers are, but we’re managing.”

“That’s good to hear especially since I really don’t want to take a back packing trip around Europe just to find you and bring your tiny ass back home,” she laughed.

“Shut up.” I let go of her hand and leaned back in my seat. “Things are good and I haven’t felt the dying urge to make a run for it…besides if I did I’d probably just end up at your apartment or Klara’s and Melina’s.”

“How are those two doing? We haven’t hung out in a while.”

“They’re planning for a trip to Greece to meet Melina’s family.”

“Sounds like a disaster.”

“I think they’ll be fine.”

“Oh how our little family has grown.”

I smiled. “So Klara and Melina are family now?”

She shrugged. “Just voicing out loud.”

“You know I thought all of you were jealous of how close Klara and I were.”

“Oh we were don’t get me wrong. We were very jealous and angry that you would rather talk to her than us, but eventually we realized that you aren’t the same person we used to know and that Klara saw you for who you are now while we kept comparing you to who you used to be.” She leaned back in her own seat. “We realized that Klara and even Melina were more equipped to help you than we were at this point because of that. I can’t say we will never compare you to how you used to be, but we do see you for who you are now. It just took a long time to get there.” She leaned forward. “We know that you won’t always be able to come to us, so we’re glad you have someone like Klara who can be there when we can’t.”

“Thanks. That means a lot.”

She nodded her head. “I know. Just no more running alright?”

“I promise.”

“Besides I think all of us would give you a good smack to the head if you leave Carmilla after everything.”

I laughed. “Oh I bet all of you already wanted to do that before.”

“Yes, we were close on some occasions.”

“Well I’m glad you didn’t.” I took a drink of my hot chocolate. “Thank you for still being there for me. I know it wasn’t easy after everything I had put you through in the past when Carmilla broke up with me.”

She sighed. “I’m not going to lie and say I was happy about you two getting back together, but you two have something that just makes the anger go away. Seeing you two together, I know I wouldn’t wish for things to be any other way. You two were genuinely made for one another and I can honestly say that I’m glad you two were able to make it work.”

“So am I,” I admitted honestly.

Danny gave me a half smile. “Only you two could make being with someone seem like the Triwizard Tournament.”

I frowned at her. “Shut up!”

She busted out laughing and shook her head. “You know I’m right.” She winked and I groaned.

“Drink your damn hot chocolate,” I grumbled.

She kept laughing as I glared at her, but she is right. I’m just glad we figured it all out in the end. There is no one who could make me feel like an individual while completing me at the same time.

* * *

 

**_Carmilla_ **

“Why exactly are we doing this again?” I asked as I tried to not lose my footing on the rocks we were walking on.

“Because we haven’t gotten the chance to get away from everything and just be together and no locking ourselves in our apartment is not considered getting away from everything,” she clarified.

I threw my head back and huffed. “Fine, but why camping? I am not a camping person.”

She turned back with a smile. “Because I have to use this bear spray at some point.”

“Very funny creampuff.”

She shrugged. “I know.” She turned back around as I reached her. “Come on. It’s not that much further.”

I groaned. “Fine, but you’re setting everything up.”

“I thought I already was since you’ve never been camping.”

“Don’t push it cupcake.”

She laughed and pressed a kiss to my cheek. Her lips traveled up to tickle my ear as she whispered, “I thought you liked it when I pushed you around.”

A shiver went down my spine. I turned to her and smirked. “Well that’s only when it ends with you between my legs.”

She smiled and leaned forward engaging my lips in a slow kiss that ignited my desire to have her under me right this minute. She pulled back. “Later. We need to find our campsite first.”

“I’ll hold you to that promise.”

She took my hand and led us on deeper into the forest. I have no idea how much further in she was taking us, but since she said she camped here for a while during her travels I let her drag me deeper into the forest trusting her to know where she was going and that she wouldn’t get us killed. Her grip on my hand tightened slightly then relaxed. She must have felt my fear of being in the forest since my whole fear of water thing is not solely based on water. That whole night all those years ago has made forests and standing water a living hell for me. Thankfully Laura packed all of our medications and to be honest being near Laura is the best medicine that I can ever have. She was my rock in these moments as I am hers when she needs me. The forest didn’t seem as dominating as she kept a strong, but relaxed hold on my hand.

We finally emerged into a big clearing with a fire pit already built in the middle with stones and left over wood. She pulled me over to the fire pit and let go of my hand. The cold feeling of fear began to creep up my arm as I took in the forest all around us. The plop of her bag hitting the ground brought my attention back to her and she moved closer to me. She stood in front of me and slipped the straps of my bag off my shoulders and wrapped her arms around me. She held me close and pressed soft kisses to my neck as the fear slowly began to melt away. I closed my eyes and wrapped my arms around her waist. I’m fine so long as she is here with me. I will always be fine with her here with me.

She pulled back and ran her fingers down along my jaw then pressed a soothing kiss to my lips. “Better?” She asked.

I nodded my head and took a deep calming breath. “Better,” I answered and meant it.

She ran her fingers through my hair lightly scratching at my scalp and I closed my eyes in bliss. “You’re such a cat sometimes,” she giggled.

I opened my eyes and glared at her smiling face. “Get the tent set up before we lose daylight,” I growled.

She pecked my lips and smirked. “Down kitty,” she teased.

I rolled my eyes and started to unpack our bags taking out all the small stuff while she worked on getting the tent up. I watched her for a bit enjoying how beautiful she looked all focused and determined to get the tent set up by herself. I walked over to her and started to help her set the tent up at her instructions. From there we went off together to find some wood to burn as the sun slowly began to fall from the sky. We got the fire started and began to cook some of the hot dog weenies we packed. I may hate the woods, but I have to say that being with her with no other distractions or worries made me want to go camping more regularly.

I hugged her tighter against me as she worked on roasting a marshmallow for the s’more she was making. I kissed along her neck and she sighed contentedly. She reached her free hand back to thread into my hair and turned to face me. I kissed her lovingly feeling the peacefulness I have grown to associate only being possible with her. It was grounding and comforting. I pulled back and pressed my forehead to hers. She rubbed her nose against mine. I pecked her lips.

“I love you,” I whispered.

“I love you too,” she whispered back then kissed me softly.

She made her s’more then took a bite out of it before offering it to me. We finished the small s’more quickly and she got up. I pouted at the absence of her warmth and the feel of her body fitting so seamlessly with mine. She walked over to where she had set her bag down and pulled out a small stereo. She plugged her phone in and then our little clearing of the forest was filled with some music from one of her many playlist. I smiled. One of the things I have learned is that she has a ton of songs she has collected throughout her travels and has placed them in playlists from every country she had visited. She then made playlists for whatever mood she is in for her paintings, for when she cooks, for when she reads, for when she does homework, and I guess also for camping among other random playlists for other things.

She raised the volume on the stereo a bit more then beckoned me to get up. I shook my head and leaned back against my elbows. She rolled her eyes but began to dance to the music. She closed her eyes and swayed her hips in time to the music and raised her arms above her head. One of my favorite parts about her having so much music to listen to is being able to watch her get lost in it. She was so captivating in the way she moved sensually and beautifully. I could watch her dance all day learning more about how she connected with the music.

I sat up recognizing the next song that came on. It was one of the songs I have been listening to on repeat a lot since she moved in with me. She opened her eyes to look at me and smiled.

“I thought I’d add this to my playlist since you’ve been listening to it on repeat for the last two months.”

“Well you can’t say you don’t also enjoy the song,” I pointed out.

“True.”

I got up and went over to the stereo and her phone. I started the song over again and went over to her. “Never wanna stand up for myself. Never wanna get in the way, I said it. I don’t know what the plan is, but you can share with me ‘cause I’ll be listening here to everything you say, I won’t turn away and I will listen. Open up my heart and I must say that I love you, so,” I sang and pulled her against me. “Oo la love, I’ve fallen in love, and it’s better this time than ever before. Oo la love, I’ve fallen in love, and it’s better this time than I’ve ever known.” I twirled her then dipped her.

She laughed and wrapped her arms around my neck. “Every day is a battle I face. Strange life I live but it’s what you've decided. I’ll give it all into your hands do what you will with me. And oh I’ll smile when you speak remember all those times I was hoping for something and shaking my head from all I have done, but you never left me,” she sang as I lifted her up and spun her around.

She kissed me with a smile still plastered on her face. It was messy, but still one of my top five kisses from her. We sang the chorus together and danced around the fire.

Just as the song says, I’ve fallen in love and it’s better this time than ever before.

I held her in my arms and kissed her shoulder. I turned her to face me and cupped her face in my hands. “My skies have been bluer than they have ever been now that I can see and make you smile at all times of the day. You warm up my nights and fight away my nightmares keeping me safe and filling me with strength and love. My days have never been so complete since I have been able to fill our home with your laughter. Your heart will always be the only song that I can never live without.” I wiped at the tears that fell from her face. I kissed her forehead. “Seulement pour toi,” I whispered.

“Only for you,” she whispered back. She stood on her tip-toes and kissed me tenderly.

She pulled back, but brought my head down by the base of head to keep our foreheads connected. Always together. That is all I have wished for and now it is possible.

Finally.

 

 

 

**The End**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end my friends. The song if you had not guessed already is Foster the People-I Would Do Anything For You. This has been fun to write and I have enjoyed every moment of it and every comment all of you have left here and on tumblr. Y'all are the best. :)


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